... and a time for every purpose under heaven.
(Ecclesiastes 3:2)
Today was to be my wedding day. Less than 3 months ago the plan was to put on the pretty dress, tiara and veil and "jump the broom."
Instead I'm sitting down, and before me are 2 empy bottles of coors bottles and a computer. Yeah, I emptied them myself.
I'm thinking back over the events of the summer: Wedding plans, resigning from a job, therapy, putting daughter in college, 3 week vacation in the home town... there's been alot of heavy life changes going on. With that has been life altering circumstances that have imposed themselves upon what could have been (and are to a point) some exciting times.
Lost my phone and some kind guy found it, called the Contact labled "home" so I was able to get that back.
Got up this morning, spent a couple hours at the dentist office with my daughter. Got her car inspected and registered for another year. Did some shopping and during that time I found myself staring a six pack of long necked bottles of Coors. I bought them along with some other things.
One might say that I'm sad or depressed because of the expectations of this day and how it has turned out.
Not me. So far I'm quite pleased with how the day is going. I know that postponing the wedding was the right thing. (noticed I said postponing) there's a little curiosity as to how this wedding thing will play out in the future since it is only postponed. I'm grateful for the time I was able to spend in Michigan with my family and his family, it was a much needed thing. I've got a few job prospects that I'll be delving into next week and as for the therapy I'm in the last stages needed before I'll be released. Daughter is having an amazing time in college, she's down this weekend with some of her roomates.
I'm even planning one of my favorite dinners: Baked potatoes and Steaks, which are marinating in a not-so-secret recipe of coors, A-1 steak sauce, and ginger ale. YUMMY! :)
I'm confident that as I continue to work at doing the right things and being productive that things will fall into place and when they do, it will be "mo betta" than even I can contemplate.
I'm pretty patient, especially when I've decided to put things in the Lords hands because I know
he ALREADY has it all worked out. My job is to have faith, listen for that Holy Spirit of promise and wait for his direction. So when that time and season comes, I can go forward in peace.
In the mean time, I get steak for dinner, Pie for dessert and a movie! Sounds good to me :)
I'm A Trip, Trust Me On This!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Shame On ME!
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"
Yeah, I know, wrong Church. I'm ashamed to say I haven't been to Church in over a month . I was on vacation for 3 weeks and the week before I went on vacation I was out of town taking my Child to college. But you know what? NO EXCUSES. I could have gone had I made the effort. I chose not to and now my SOUL is crying out. Oh don't get me wrong, I had my scriptures with me and read them and prayed. Was it daily...? Naw.... it wasn't. But I can tell a huge difference. My intuition is pretty good. I have good instincts. However the last 3 weeks, I feel it's all but escaped me. Now before I blame it on anything or anyone I have to take into account that I and I alone did not do the spiritual maintenance needed on a daily basis. I did not take that time each day to Connect with my Father in heaven and it has cost me dearly. I think the most praying done was the blessing of meals. Sad, I know. Props for blessing the food though.
How can I profess to be a woman of God and not take the time at the start and end of each day to check in with the Lord? How can I profess to be a woman of God and not take the time to read his word. I read books, watched TV, dabbled on the computer some, but I didn't take enough time to even pick up the Scriptures as much as I should have. *sigh*
Yeah, I know, I've disappointed myself. And now I'm feeling a spiritual funk.
So, it's back to basic training for me. You know making a point of doing those little things that we don't think will matter. Cuz they DO matter.
What I love most about the fellowship of the Lord and that he will meet you where you are as long as you make an honest and humble effort. So if it's back to the drawing board for some of us, he'll be there with the chalk in hand. I'm not that far gone folks but yeah, I am in need of spiritual repair and upliftment. I'm blessed because I know how to call down what I need and where to gather with those who praise and worship in his name.
I'm grateful for the Love our Heavenly Father extends to us at our request even in times of OUR absence.
Yeah, I know, wrong Church. I'm ashamed to say I haven't been to Church in over a month . I was on vacation for 3 weeks and the week before I went on vacation I was out of town taking my Child to college. But you know what? NO EXCUSES. I could have gone had I made the effort. I chose not to and now my SOUL is crying out. Oh don't get me wrong, I had my scriptures with me and read them and prayed. Was it daily...? Naw.... it wasn't. But I can tell a huge difference. My intuition is pretty good. I have good instincts. However the last 3 weeks, I feel it's all but escaped me. Now before I blame it on anything or anyone I have to take into account that I and I alone did not do the spiritual maintenance needed on a daily basis. I did not take that time each day to Connect with my Father in heaven and it has cost me dearly. I think the most praying done was the blessing of meals. Sad, I know. Props for blessing the food though.
How can I profess to be a woman of God and not take the time at the start and end of each day to check in with the Lord? How can I profess to be a woman of God and not take the time to read his word. I read books, watched TV, dabbled on the computer some, but I didn't take enough time to even pick up the Scriptures as much as I should have. *sigh*
Yeah, I know, I've disappointed myself. And now I'm feeling a spiritual funk.
So, it's back to basic training for me. You know making a point of doing those little things that we don't think will matter. Cuz they DO matter.
What I love most about the fellowship of the Lord and that he will meet you where you are as long as you make an honest and humble effort. So if it's back to the drawing board for some of us, he'll be there with the chalk in hand. I'm not that far gone folks but yeah, I am in need of spiritual repair and upliftment. I'm blessed because I know how to call down what I need and where to gather with those who praise and worship in his name.
I'm grateful for the Love our Heavenly Father extends to us at our request even in times of OUR absence.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
We Sho Do Eat Some Funny Stuff!
People who know me know that when I get stressed or anxious or upset I likes to cook. And then I invite the neighborhood, who likes to eat. It's really a win/win relationship. I've lived 1/2 of my life in Utah for the most part... and other half I grew up in Battle Creek Michigan as a kid.
The Utah traditional meals were Apple Jacks, Frosted flakes, Pop tarts and all manner of Kellogg's breakfast cereals. My daddy worked and retired from Kellogg's and that's how we rolled. I'm STILL a Kellogg's Kids today. I tell you there is nothing like a Strawberry frosted pop tart ice cream sandwich, A mixture of apple jacks & fruit loops or a bowl of Frosted flakes OR Coco Crispy with half/half at midnight :)
We grew up on the typical foods in Michigan... Tuna Noodle Casseroles, Spaghetti, Fried chicken, Macaroni and cheese, Roast beef, Mashed potatoes. Desserts.. a simple bowl of ice cream , chocolate chip cookies or Apple and Peach cobblers.
The Utah tradition of foods is like none other. I'm not saying it's bad, but for sure it's Different. I'll share with you some the traditional favorites:
The most popular is probably the Funeral Potatoes. Mormons have taken scalloped potatoes to new heights with these. You know when someone has passed away and they call and ask... "would you be willing to make THE POTATOES". There's no need in asking "what potatoes." they hand you a flyer with the recipe when you cross the state line so you know. Being a Black Mormon girl, I have to put some SOUL in the potatoes so I don't lose my "Soul Food" card when I venture back into the real world.
There are several variation to Funeral Potatoes but here's the basic recipe... and then I'll add the Soul to it so you can have Funeral Potatoes with SOUL.
Basics:
8-10 Potatoes cooked, shredded or diced.
couple cans of Cream of Mushroom OR Cream of Chicken Soup
Carton of Sour Cream (abt 2 cups)
Couple cups of Grated Cheese
1/2-1 can of half and half
1/3 chopped onion
crushed corn flakes (abt 2 cups)
9x13 backing pan
Oven Preheated to 350.
I actually don't use the frozen potatoes, or the cornflakes but hey, that's how it goes I guess.
So I boil or back my potatoes with the skins on, then after they cool I peel them and I grate them or cut them up.
I mix the half/half, Sour cream and onion with the Cream of whichever soup I'm using. For the "Soul", I add minced or crushed garlic abt 1/2-1 teaspoon. I let that simmer and get warm so it's smooth but still thick. Then add the potatoes and mix it really well. And then pour it into the baking pan. This next part is where your personal style/taste variations come in. For me, this is the REAL SOUL: Traditional Mormons will use the the cheddar cheese and crushed corn flakes to sprinkle on top. For me, the Kellogg's kid.... I got something to say: DRY BREAKFAST CEREAL SHOULD NEVER BE USED IN CASSEROLES OR ON MEAT AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR "CRUNCH!"
Back to the Soul.... instead of Cheddar cheese on top, I'll use a pepper jack and Colby mixture to add a little bit of "BITE" to it. And then garnish it with Bacon bits. NOT BACOS, people. Fry you up some bacon... (Traditional Mormons, bacon can be microwaved and done in the oven on broil if you watch it closely). Bake for about 30 minutes. Now that is some Mormon Funeral Potatoes with some soul.
OK next we have a traditional dessert called "Better than Sex" Cake. There are a multitude of variations for this dessert. Some aren't even remotely the same. So I'll post the most traditional recipe I can find:
1 package devil's food cake mix
1/2 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
6 ounces caramel ice cream topping
3 Skor or heath candy bars chopped
1 (8 ounce) container frozen whipped topping, thawed
1. Bake cake according to package directions for a 9x13 inch pan; cool on wire rack for 5 minutes. Make holes across the top of the cake (with wooden spoon handle), making sure not to go all the way through to the bottom.
2. In a saucepan over low heat, combine sweetened condensed milk and caramel topping, stirring until smooth and blended. Slowly pour the warm topping mixture over the top of the warm cake, letting it sink into the holes ; then sprinkle the crushed chocolate toffee bars liberally across the entire cake while still warm. (Hint: I crush my candy bars into small chunks as opposed to crumbs - I like to have pieces I can chew on!)
3. Let cake cool completely, then top with whipped topping. Decorate the top of the cake with some more chocolate toffee bar chunks and swirls of caramel topping. Refrigerate and serve right from the pan!
This is ALSO known as "Prophets Cake" Cuz it was good enough to serve to the prophet and more appropriate to say when people asked what it's called.
Next we have Frog eye salad. IF there's a way to put sugar in something and sweeten it up, Mormons are masters at is.
This is a pasta salad with fruit, coconut, whipped topping and mini marshmallows. I personally don't care for it but it IS a church Potluck Tradition:
1 cup white sugar
3 egg yolks
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 cups pineapple juice
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 (16 ounce) package acini di pepe pasta
2 (20 ounce) cans pineapple chunks
2 (11 ounce) cans mandarin oranges, drained
3/4 cup maraschino cherries, chopped
1 (16 ounce) package miniature marshmallows
1 (12 ounce) container frozen whipped topping, thawed
1. In large saucepan over low heat, combine sugar, egg yolks, flour, pineapple juice and lemon juice. Stir and cook until thickened. Remove from heat.
2. While sauce is cooking, bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain and rinse with cold water.
3. In large bowl, combine cooked mixture with pasta and toss to coat thoroughly. Refrigerate 8 hours or overnight.
4. Toss pasta with pineapple, mandarin oranges, maraschino cherries, marshmallows and whipped topping. Refrigerate.
Now MY dessert is one we call GOUP! (pronounced goop). My Hawaii friends call it "Mormon Fluff Salad" And I think traditional Mormons simply call it fruit salad. Growing up we called it goup cuz we never knew the name for it and you just goup in on your plate. It's sugar shock heaven with all the flavor.
You need 2 cartons of whipped topping
2 pkgs of your favorite Jello. ( I like using the pineapples and orange flavors)
2 cartons of cottage cheese
couple cans of drained pineapple chunks
couple cans of drained Mandarin oranges.
1 Somewhat drain the cottage cheese so it doesn't have so much liquid on it.
Combine your containers of whipped topping and jello powder a large bowl.
Add cottage cheese, pineapple chunks, mandarin oranges.
Mix really well and refrigerate until thick and stiff.
When dessert comes around Goup it on your plates and enjoy.
** can be used with any flavor jello powder and fruit combinations
(peach and mango are my other favorites :)
On another hand, Mormons are particularly known for making Home made Ice cream, root beer, Bread, Freezer jam, and canning our own Salsa and tomato/spaghetti Sauces too from items we grown in our gardens. I thoroughly approve of such madness. It's cost effective and comes in very handy during the winter months. I dare say Utah alone keeps the GE Freezer company in business at LEAST for 2 financial quarter each year. Christmas traditions always consist of jars of homemade freezer jam, or a Canning jar with soup mix( just add water and meat), Cookie mix (just add butter and egg) and a bow tied nicely around the lid.
I must admit I've taken on the roll of making homemade treat baskets for Christmas. I like making the fudge, English toffee, sugar cookies, candy covered pretzels, Cinnamon rolls, french loaf breads and so on for the holiday season. I call it "Christmas Brunch in a basket"
Yup, we Mormons and our food traditions are something else. What I like about it is having the mind set to try different things and make it my own. I guess that's what Mormon cooking is all about. I've had jello cheese cake with strawberry jam on it masqueraded as Strawberry Cheese cake. I've had Dutch oven White cake (or Pillsbury Cinnamon rolls dough) and canned peaches masqueraded as peach cobbler. It's quite interesting to say the least. However you MUST admit pioneers knew how to make meals out of just about anything. Big Props for that, because when those hard times come again... and they will... you wont care if your peach cobbler is made from pop n fresh canned Cinnamon roll dough. You'll just praise the Lord and Pass the food. AMEN!
The Utah traditional meals were Apple Jacks, Frosted flakes, Pop tarts and all manner of Kellogg's breakfast cereals. My daddy worked and retired from Kellogg's and that's how we rolled. I'm STILL a Kellogg's Kids today. I tell you there is nothing like a Strawberry frosted pop tart ice cream sandwich, A mixture of apple jacks & fruit loops or a bowl of Frosted flakes OR Coco Crispy with half/half at midnight :)
We grew up on the typical foods in Michigan... Tuna Noodle Casseroles, Spaghetti, Fried chicken, Macaroni and cheese, Roast beef, Mashed potatoes. Desserts.. a simple bowl of ice cream , chocolate chip cookies or Apple and Peach cobblers.
The Utah tradition of foods is like none other. I'm not saying it's bad, but for sure it's Different. I'll share with you some the traditional favorites:
The most popular is probably the Funeral Potatoes. Mormons have taken scalloped potatoes to new heights with these. You know when someone has passed away and they call and ask... "would you be willing to make THE POTATOES". There's no need in asking "what potatoes." they hand you a flyer with the recipe when you cross the state line so you know. Being a Black Mormon girl, I have to put some SOUL in the potatoes so I don't lose my "Soul Food" card when I venture back into the real world.
There are several variation to Funeral Potatoes but here's the basic recipe... and then I'll add the Soul to it so you can have Funeral Potatoes with SOUL.
Basics:
8-10 Potatoes cooked, shredded or diced.
couple cans of Cream of Mushroom OR Cream of Chicken Soup
Carton of Sour Cream (abt 2 cups)
Couple cups of Grated Cheese
1/2-1 can of half and half
1/3 chopped onion
crushed corn flakes (abt 2 cups)
9x13 backing pan
Oven Preheated to 350.
I actually don't use the frozen potatoes, or the cornflakes but hey, that's how it goes I guess.
So I boil or back my potatoes with the skins on, then after they cool I peel them and I grate them or cut them up.
I mix the half/half, Sour cream and onion with the Cream of whichever soup I'm using. For the "Soul", I add minced or crushed garlic abt 1/2-1 teaspoon. I let that simmer and get warm so it's smooth but still thick. Then add the potatoes and mix it really well. And then pour it into the baking pan. This next part is where your personal style/taste variations come in. For me, this is the REAL SOUL: Traditional Mormons will use the the cheddar cheese and crushed corn flakes to sprinkle on top. For me, the Kellogg's kid.... I got something to say: DRY BREAKFAST CEREAL SHOULD NEVER BE USED IN CASSEROLES OR ON MEAT AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR "CRUNCH!"
Back to the Soul.... instead of Cheddar cheese on top, I'll use a pepper jack and Colby mixture to add a little bit of "BITE" to it. And then garnish it with Bacon bits. NOT BACOS, people. Fry you up some bacon... (Traditional Mormons, bacon can be microwaved and done in the oven on broil if you watch it closely). Bake for about 30 minutes. Now that is some Mormon Funeral Potatoes with some soul.
OK next we have a traditional dessert called "Better than Sex" Cake. There are a multitude of variations for this dessert. Some aren't even remotely the same. So I'll post the most traditional recipe I can find:
1 package devil's food cake mix
1/2 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
6 ounces caramel ice cream topping
3 Skor or heath candy bars chopped
1 (8 ounce) container frozen whipped topping, thawed
1. Bake cake according to package directions for a 9x13 inch pan; cool on wire rack for 5 minutes. Make holes across the top of the cake (with wooden spoon handle), making sure not to go all the way through to the bottom.
2. In a saucepan over low heat, combine sweetened condensed milk and caramel topping, stirring until smooth and blended. Slowly pour the warm topping mixture over the top of the warm cake, letting it sink into the holes ; then sprinkle the crushed chocolate toffee bars liberally across the entire cake while still warm. (Hint: I crush my candy bars into small chunks as opposed to crumbs - I like to have pieces I can chew on!)
3. Let cake cool completely, then top with whipped topping. Decorate the top of the cake with some more chocolate toffee bar chunks and swirls of caramel topping. Refrigerate and serve right from the pan!
This is ALSO known as "Prophets Cake" Cuz it was good enough to serve to the prophet and more appropriate to say when people asked what it's called.
Next we have Frog eye salad. IF there's a way to put sugar in something and sweeten it up, Mormons are masters at is.
This is a pasta salad with fruit, coconut, whipped topping and mini marshmallows. I personally don't care for it but it IS a church Potluck Tradition:
1 cup white sugar
3 egg yolks
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 cups pineapple juice
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 (16 ounce) package acini di pepe pasta
2 (20 ounce) cans pineapple chunks
2 (11 ounce) cans mandarin oranges, drained
3/4 cup maraschino cherries, chopped
1 (16 ounce) package miniature marshmallows
1 (12 ounce) container frozen whipped topping, thawed
1. In large saucepan over low heat, combine sugar, egg yolks, flour, pineapple juice and lemon juice. Stir and cook until thickened. Remove from heat.
2. While sauce is cooking, bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain and rinse with cold water.
3. In large bowl, combine cooked mixture with pasta and toss to coat thoroughly. Refrigerate 8 hours or overnight.
4. Toss pasta with pineapple, mandarin oranges, maraschino cherries, marshmallows and whipped topping. Refrigerate.
Now MY dessert is one we call GOUP! (pronounced goop). My Hawaii friends call it "Mormon Fluff Salad" And I think traditional Mormons simply call it fruit salad. Growing up we called it goup cuz we never knew the name for it and you just goup in on your plate. It's sugar shock heaven with all the flavor.
You need 2 cartons of whipped topping
2 pkgs of your favorite Jello. ( I like using the pineapples and orange flavors)
2 cartons of cottage cheese
couple cans of drained pineapple chunks
couple cans of drained Mandarin oranges.
1 Somewhat drain the cottage cheese so it doesn't have so much liquid on it.
Combine your containers of whipped topping and jello powder a large bowl.
Add cottage cheese, pineapple chunks, mandarin oranges.
Mix really well and refrigerate until thick and stiff.
When dessert comes around Goup it on your plates and enjoy.
** can be used with any flavor jello powder and fruit combinations
(peach and mango are my other favorites :)
On another hand, Mormons are particularly known for making Home made Ice cream, root beer, Bread, Freezer jam, and canning our own Salsa and tomato/spaghetti Sauces too from items we grown in our gardens. I thoroughly approve of such madness. It's cost effective and comes in very handy during the winter months. I dare say Utah alone keeps the GE Freezer company in business at LEAST for 2 financial quarter each year. Christmas traditions always consist of jars of homemade freezer jam, or a Canning jar with soup mix( just add water and meat), Cookie mix (just add butter and egg) and a bow tied nicely around the lid.
I must admit I've taken on the roll of making homemade treat baskets for Christmas. I like making the fudge, English toffee, sugar cookies, candy covered pretzels, Cinnamon rolls, french loaf breads and so on for the holiday season. I call it "Christmas Brunch in a basket"
Yup, we Mormons and our food traditions are something else. What I like about it is having the mind set to try different things and make it my own. I guess that's what Mormon cooking is all about. I've had jello cheese cake with strawberry jam on it masqueraded as Strawberry Cheese cake. I've had Dutch oven White cake (or Pillsbury Cinnamon rolls dough) and canned peaches masqueraded as peach cobbler. It's quite interesting to say the least. However you MUST admit pioneers knew how to make meals out of just about anything. Big Props for that, because when those hard times come again... and they will... you wont care if your peach cobbler is made from pop n fresh canned Cinnamon roll dough. You'll just praise the Lord and Pass the food. AMEN!
Sunday, August 3, 2008
When Your Leaders Fall.
When your leaders fall you treat them as anyone one else who has fallen. You remember they, just like you, are human. You remind yourself that just as Jesus Christ has accounted for and paid for you, he has paid for them also and through his Atonement and his blood that was shed for each of us, they too will be justified.
You leave all unrighteous judgements to God the Father once again remembering that His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ is our mediator, our Savior. You ask for peace and comfort, give peace and comfort and continue to serve: AS I HAVE LOVED YOU, LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
I say these things today because I'm just getting home from church. If you were to read our ward bulletin today, it would look a little odd to you.
In the section where it says ward contacts you would see information about all the ward leadership starting with the 1st counselor of the bishopric. You would not see my bishop's name in that listing.
You would find his name on a different page announcing the times of his viewing and funeral.
On Thursday July 31, 2008, my bishop, using a gun, took his own life.
That's all I will say, without speculation, regarding his death.
I haven't been in this ward very long, just about 4 months. In that time, I've only met with the bishop 1 time. I've only talked to him twice.
Let me tell you what I know of him.
Saturday June 21, 2008. I'm sitting in a chapel in Midvale sobbing uncontrollably. My head is in some one's lap, I don't remember whose lap it was. There were arms around me, 2 people kneeling in front of me telling me to breath. I faintly hear... someone call the bishop. It may have been me, I'm not sure, that day is still foggy to me. All I know is I need help!
Within an hour I'm in a car headed to LDS Family Services...as an emergency trauma/crisis victim.
My bishop has just made an appointment for me on emergency status, and is paying for the charges from the ward fund for however long I need it.
Void of knowing who I am he is concerned for my welfare. I find out later that he was on the phone several times that day with my sister, and my other friends who were with me, making sure I was where I needed to be, comforted and safe. He would contact me in a couple days to follow up. The next 2 weeks for me were a blur. I would find out later, he called the Doctor I had seen several times, to be filled in on my treatments and how I was doing. He called my home as well, spoke to my sister to make sure I was progressing and doing well. He didn't want to interrupt my rest and would wait another week before actually speaking with me.
When I did meet with him, he showed so much kindness, support and love, for me, a member of his flock. Although he only knew me by name, He, my Shepherd tended me, his sheep as if he had known me since a little lamb of his own.
I think of the words from the hymn:
I stand All Amazed, 2ND vs:
" I marvel to that he would descend from his throne divine
to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine.
That he should extend his great love unto such as I
sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify."
Although his was not our savior Jesus Christ. He took on that roll as mediator, Shepherd and caretaker for me and hundreds of my ward brothers and sisters.
For this I am eternally grateful. Each time I step into my therapist office I give thanks to Bishop Williams for being one of my Shepherds at this time in my life when I need it.
God bless him and his family and Daybreak First Ward.
You leave all unrighteous judgements to God the Father once again remembering that His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ is our mediator, our Savior. You ask for peace and comfort, give peace and comfort and continue to serve: AS I HAVE LOVED YOU, LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
I say these things today because I'm just getting home from church. If you were to read our ward bulletin today, it would look a little odd to you.
In the section where it says ward contacts you would see information about all the ward leadership starting with the 1st counselor of the bishopric. You would not see my bishop's name in that listing.
You would find his name on a different page announcing the times of his viewing and funeral.
On Thursday July 31, 2008, my bishop, using a gun, took his own life.
That's all I will say, without speculation, regarding his death.
I haven't been in this ward very long, just about 4 months. In that time, I've only met with the bishop 1 time. I've only talked to him twice.
Let me tell you what I know of him.
Saturday June 21, 2008. I'm sitting in a chapel in Midvale sobbing uncontrollably. My head is in some one's lap, I don't remember whose lap it was. There were arms around me, 2 people kneeling in front of me telling me to breath. I faintly hear... someone call the bishop. It may have been me, I'm not sure, that day is still foggy to me. All I know is I need help!
Within an hour I'm in a car headed to LDS Family Services...as an emergency trauma/crisis victim.
My bishop has just made an appointment for me on emergency status, and is paying for the charges from the ward fund for however long I need it.
Void of knowing who I am he is concerned for my welfare. I find out later that he was on the phone several times that day with my sister, and my other friends who were with me, making sure I was where I needed to be, comforted and safe. He would contact me in a couple days to follow up. The next 2 weeks for me were a blur. I would find out later, he called the Doctor I had seen several times, to be filled in on my treatments and how I was doing. He called my home as well, spoke to my sister to make sure I was progressing and doing well. He didn't want to interrupt my rest and would wait another week before actually speaking with me.
When I did meet with him, he showed so much kindness, support and love, for me, a member of his flock. Although he only knew me by name, He, my Shepherd tended me, his sheep as if he had known me since a little lamb of his own.
I think of the words from the hymn:
I stand All Amazed, 2ND vs:
" I marvel to that he would descend from his throne divine
to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine.
That he should extend his great love unto such as I
sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify."
Although his was not our savior Jesus Christ. He took on that roll as mediator, Shepherd and caretaker for me and hundreds of my ward brothers and sisters.
For this I am eternally grateful. Each time I step into my therapist office I give thanks to Bishop Williams for being one of my Shepherds at this time in my life when I need it.
God bless him and his family and Daybreak First Ward.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER
PTSD. I explained about a month ago of a situation that threw me into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I've also found out that a couple of you, my friends are or have gone through this thing as well.
It sucks, doesn't it? Yeah, it does.
I've since learned there are Physical effects to this as well as emotional and mental.
Most common is flu like symptoms: headache, body aches, upset stomach, fatigue. All part of it. I started working out last week to take care of some anxiousness I'd been feeling. Also to become "wedding dress" ready which is just an added bonus. Thursday I woke up sick, stiff and sore. Now I've been athletic most of my life and I recognize sore and stiffness from working out. I was also diagnosed with R.A about 12 years ago so I'm also familiar with aches and pains from that as well. But I tell you I was down for the count Thursday and Friday and not from any preexisting thing. I think I finally rolled out of bed for the day about 1:15 pm.
Saw there therapist Yesterday. I mentioned to her that I felt things were slow going. Friday, simply not a good day, I felt as if I were back in the first week of this whole happening thing. Here I thought I'd come so far and it pretty much felt like square one.
Apparently that's normal. And it will come in waves. 11 years of "stuff" takes time to surface and heal and it won't happen in 30 days. *sigh* Slow going. Everyone is different. Some people take months, others years. My progress is in the months category. I see the doctor twice a week instead of 3 times. Also on better weeks I see her once, and then call in to see if an additional appointment is needed. Most times it's not. For the most part what I'm learning is helping me in all aspects of life. Each time I have session, a situation approaches me soon after, sort of like... ok, you just leaned a productive way to deal with this, lets see ya practice it. It's kind of cool.
I've got oms pretty big steps to take the next 2 weeks. The Dr will be out of town for that time. I do have her # however if I need it. I'll probably not use it because I have a HUGE support group around me here. And I keep a notebook close to write things down to help me connect the dots and keep my train of thought.
What's funny in all this therapy stuff? There's a popular movie that came out a few years ago that I absolutely detest: "What About Bob."
Seriously something about that movie irks the crap outta me. Some days I feel like Bob. AUGH, there,I said it ICK... UGH! I dunno why, but that movie makes me wanna slap somebody.... ANYBODY. It had it's funny moment. I've only seen it once and never intend to have to see it again.
So anyway this whole thing reminds me of that movie sometimes, when I'm feeling extra needy or like I need a little more care than usual.
There are days like that. I'm not ashamed to say there are days when I don't know WHAT the heck is going on. This could not have happened at a more worse time: My daughter getting ready for college, exactly a month later I'm getting married. What a time for all hell to break loose. So when things seem a little off lately I am POSITIVE it's me and I'm ok with that.
Don't be afraid to tell me I'm not thinkin right or I sound crazy.... because as of late it's true. lol And I'm learning how to laugh at myself because I know it's not a permanent condition. And soon will be back to normal.... Ok... .well... MY version of normal.
Lets hope it NEVER gets to the point of anyone having to call me "Bob." If you do I might just haul off and smack you one! ;)
I've also found out that a couple of you, my friends are or have gone through this thing as well.
It sucks, doesn't it? Yeah, it does.
I've since learned there are Physical effects to this as well as emotional and mental.
Most common is flu like symptoms: headache, body aches, upset stomach, fatigue. All part of it. I started working out last week to take care of some anxiousness I'd been feeling. Also to become "wedding dress" ready which is just an added bonus. Thursday I woke up sick, stiff and sore. Now I've been athletic most of my life and I recognize sore and stiffness from working out. I was also diagnosed with R.A about 12 years ago so I'm also familiar with aches and pains from that as well. But I tell you I was down for the count Thursday and Friday and not from any preexisting thing. I think I finally rolled out of bed for the day about 1:15 pm.
Saw there therapist Yesterday. I mentioned to her that I felt things were slow going. Friday, simply not a good day, I felt as if I were back in the first week of this whole happening thing. Here I thought I'd come so far and it pretty much felt like square one.
Apparently that's normal. And it will come in waves. 11 years of "stuff" takes time to surface and heal and it won't happen in 30 days. *sigh* Slow going. Everyone is different. Some people take months, others years. My progress is in the months category. I see the doctor twice a week instead of 3 times. Also on better weeks I see her once, and then call in to see if an additional appointment is needed. Most times it's not. For the most part what I'm learning is helping me in all aspects of life. Each time I have session, a situation approaches me soon after, sort of like... ok, you just leaned a productive way to deal with this, lets see ya practice it. It's kind of cool.
I've got oms pretty big steps to take the next 2 weeks. The Dr will be out of town for that time. I do have her # however if I need it. I'll probably not use it because I have a HUGE support group around me here. And I keep a notebook close to write things down to help me connect the dots and keep my train of thought.
What's funny in all this therapy stuff? There's a popular movie that came out a few years ago that I absolutely detest: "What About Bob."
Seriously something about that movie irks the crap outta me. Some days I feel like Bob. AUGH, there,I said it ICK... UGH! I dunno why, but that movie makes me wanna slap somebody.... ANYBODY. It had it's funny moment. I've only seen it once and never intend to have to see it again.
So anyway this whole thing reminds me of that movie sometimes, when I'm feeling extra needy or like I need a little more care than usual.
There are days like that. I'm not ashamed to say there are days when I don't know WHAT the heck is going on. This could not have happened at a more worse time: My daughter getting ready for college, exactly a month later I'm getting married. What a time for all hell to break loose. So when things seem a little off lately I am POSITIVE it's me and I'm ok with that.
Don't be afraid to tell me I'm not thinkin right or I sound crazy.... because as of late it's true. lol And I'm learning how to laugh at myself because I know it's not a permanent condition. And soon will be back to normal.... Ok... .well... MY version of normal.
Lets hope it NEVER gets to the point of anyone having to call me "Bob." If you do I might just haul off and smack you one! ;)
Who Are The Christians?
That's a serious question.... WHO ARE THE CHRISTIANS?
Then next question is...how do you represent?
If you were to tell no one of your belief in God the Eternal father, his only begotten son Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost, that holy spirit of promise, how would they know you represent?
Could people tell by the company you keep?
I used to hang around with some shady characters in some shady places. Although I may not have been doing shady things myself, no one would know. Sure no one should judge unrighteously, however, we are to make righteous judgements, that's called discernment.
Me sitting at a bar or with a buncha people cussing, swearing and the like is not a good representation of who I am or who I want to represent. It may be how some of my friends choose to represent themselves and there's nothing wrong with that. I simply choose to do it a different way.
Can people tell by the language I speak?
This is huge for me. I used to curse pretty bad and I had all these tactics to try and help. We had a cuss jar, where it cost me a buck to cuss. I then cost me a buck-fifty. When my brother was in the marines he was once told by his staff Sergent that I had a mouth as bad as any marine they had been around and that didn't even help.
What did help was this I read in one of the church magazines for the youth. The article was talking about bad language and said something to the effect of this:
The mouth we use, the tongue we speak with, it is the same mouth and tongue we pray with each morning and evening. It is the same mouth and tongue we praise our Lord with. It is the same lips we DARE ask for God to grant us comfort, peace and blessings. How can we dare use it for foul language.
It really struck me... how dare I use the same mouth to ask The Father for blessings to string obscenities and guile? I'm not saying I'm perfect in my speaking Those who know me know the story of me and the Scripture: Ephesians 4:29, 31-32. Elder Jeffery Holland spoke on such things in the April 2007 conference. I studied that talk all last year. I find myself needing to study it more. I want to represent in my speech.
Can you look at me and tell?
God's children comes in all shapes, sizes and colors. Amen! We most likely can't tell just by looking at people who they truly are and what they really believe. None of us have a sign on our forehead like an ingredient label of our contents and what's inside of us.
Are you supposed to be able to tell by my packaging? I'm not sure, I'm really not. I do know this.
Do we represent who we are in a modest, respectful, clean manor? Or are we the representation of the hottest hip hop song talking 'bout thuggin, saggin, droppin it like it's hot and shakin it like a salt shaker?
I don't want to represent with booty shorts on and half of my rear end hanging out of my clothes. Nor do I want to represent with my cleavage overly exposed and clothes so tight, short or scanty that the world knows my body as well as I do. I don't mind being modest. I appreciate my daughter sharing those same attitudes she always was a pretty modest kid. Not all compliments are respectful and uplifting and most times it intention is how we choose to present ourselves. I'd rather present myself to the world as a woman of God. And reserve showing my body for my husband at appropriate times in appropriate places.
Can you tell by what I'm listening too? Music has always been a big thing for me in terms of what is blaring out of my speakers. I've never really cared too much for song with questionable lyrics. No I don't listen to gospel or christian music all the time 24/7. But I'm very careful about the songs I do listen to especially lately. I used to rationalize in my teenage years "I'm just listening to the music and not paying attention to the words." And I used to believe that.
One day I found myself singing "sexual healing" on the way to church. Don't get me wrong... I LOVED that song, I still do. However sometimes that song pops in my head at the most inopportune times. It reminds me of when my daughter was about a year and half, singing bohemian rhapsody in church. Hilarious!
We can all say to some degree "They don't make music like they used to" and we would all agree. Can I just say, I'm sick of the lyrics with all the sexual innuendos, disrespect of women and their bodies, pimps, hoes, and such. Exactly who/what does such music represent? And who are we to promote it?
There's plenty of great music out there without all that other mess. I've several friends who have what they call "Sunday music." Radio music is not Sunday music according to them. My mom used to say if you can't listen to it on Sunday, you prolly shouldn't be listening to it. It was her way of saying be careful what you're listening too, you are the same person Monday -Saturday that you are on Sunday. Basically choose music that is uplifting and joyful... not particularly only religious, although that's good other days as well.
Can you tell by the media I support?
Can someone give me a good reason as to why I should support movies with foul language, violence, sexual content and so on? Just like music, there's plenty of good shows/movies out there that don't focus on these kinds of things. I really don't enjoy them or how they make me feel. I remember going to the movies to see Harlem nights. I laughed my butt off in that movie. And when I thought back on the movie was feeling that if they took out all the swearing, it wouldn't have been as funny. And I sort of felt like I needed to adjust my attitudes and lifestyles to more uplifting and wholesome entertainment.
Article of Faith # 13:
13 W believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
Can you tell by my actions?
The world is familiar with "What would Jesus Do?" WWJD?
If everyone followed WWJD? Then we could all follow up with DJWW. That's right Devil Just Won't Win.
I learned early on how to serve others. I love doing it. Random Act of Kindness. Anonymous acts of Kindness. Even stupid things that people wouldn't even notice really.... like taking the shopping carts into their stall instead of leaving it in my parking spot. I like being kind. I like helping others to a point.
I detest selfishness and self serving people. People who always expect to get and never really give of themselves.
Matthew 25:40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren ye have done it unto me.
Do our actions represent who we are and what we stand for?
I'm having issues with what to believe or trust. If people aren't consistent in word and deed Do we trust what people say or do we trust what they do? It is not enough to say we believe in God and are followers of Jesus Christ. Our words and actions must reflect it as well. It is not enough to say we believe in God and are followers of Jesus Christ. Our words and actions must reflect it as well.
Do we even follow the basics?
When moses came down from the mountains and found his people dancing and worshipping false idols he broke the stone tablets. He went back up the mountain and came back with the basic 10 commandments we can't even keep today.
Something as simple as using the Lord's name in vain. To me, something as simple as "OH MY G--" would be taking the Lord's name in vain. It's not cussing or blasphemy but is there a need for us to use the Lord's name so casually and out side of praise or prayer? Meh, not really.
Even something as simply as keeping the Sabbath Holy. That means 100 different things to 100 different people. For 6 days we labor in the fields or at our jobs taking care of our the needs for ourselves, our body our atmosphere. The Lord asks for 1 day a week that we worship and remember him. One day of 6. He ask that we not work nor cause anyone else to work when possible. It should be a day to rest from our weekly physical labors and to feed our spirit, study our scriptures visit families or those who could use uplifting of the spirit. Most of the time we can't even do that.
Sum it up in Modern Terms:
Does your face book or myspace page represent you as a christian?
I had to throw that in. I've been sought out by a lot of folks on these things who start off by telling me they're a good christian man looking for a good christian woman. Then I look at their profile and see NOTHING that would support their claims. Every once in a while they might quote some scripture or mention a belief in God or the creator and then quote the philosophies of man mingles with scripture to make is sound good. I'm finding a lot of Closet Christians which is scary to me. When we start hiding who we really are or claim to be, then who we don't want to become starts to show up and take over.
Active Christians should be like Active Marines. Marines get paid by the hour so they're paid 24 hours a day because they don't stop being Marines when they're sleep or out of uniform or off base or away from military personnel.
Christians should be the same way.... we don't stop being christian because we aren't in a church or are away from the congregation or because the people around us aren't representing.
So again I ask... Who are the Christians? How do we know? What will you do from this day forward to represent?
" Live your life so those who don't know Jesus will learn of him because they know you"
Then next question is...how do you represent?
If you were to tell no one of your belief in God the Eternal father, his only begotten son Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost, that holy spirit of promise, how would they know you represent?
Could people tell by the company you keep?
I used to hang around with some shady characters in some shady places. Although I may not have been doing shady things myself, no one would know. Sure no one should judge unrighteously, however, we are to make righteous judgements, that's called discernment.
Me sitting at a bar or with a buncha people cussing, swearing and the like is not a good representation of who I am or who I want to represent. It may be how some of my friends choose to represent themselves and there's nothing wrong with that. I simply choose to do it a different way.
Can people tell by the language I speak?
This is huge for me. I used to curse pretty bad and I had all these tactics to try and help. We had a cuss jar, where it cost me a buck to cuss. I then cost me a buck-fifty. When my brother was in the marines he was once told by his staff Sergent that I had a mouth as bad as any marine they had been around and that didn't even help.
What did help was this I read in one of the church magazines for the youth. The article was talking about bad language and said something to the effect of this:
The mouth we use, the tongue we speak with, it is the same mouth and tongue we pray with each morning and evening. It is the same mouth and tongue we praise our Lord with. It is the same lips we DARE ask for God to grant us comfort, peace and blessings. How can we dare use it for foul language.
It really struck me... how dare I use the same mouth to ask The Father for blessings to string obscenities and guile? I'm not saying I'm perfect in my speaking Those who know me know the story of me and the Scripture: Ephesians 4:29, 31-32. Elder Jeffery Holland spoke on such things in the April 2007 conference. I studied that talk all last year. I find myself needing to study it more. I want to represent in my speech.
Can you look at me and tell?
God's children comes in all shapes, sizes and colors. Amen! We most likely can't tell just by looking at people who they truly are and what they really believe. None of us have a sign on our forehead like an ingredient label of our contents and what's inside of us.
Are you supposed to be able to tell by my packaging? I'm not sure, I'm really not. I do know this.
Do we represent who we are in a modest, respectful, clean manor? Or are we the representation of the hottest hip hop song talking 'bout thuggin, saggin, droppin it like it's hot and shakin it like a salt shaker?
I don't want to represent with booty shorts on and half of my rear end hanging out of my clothes. Nor do I want to represent with my cleavage overly exposed and clothes so tight, short or scanty that the world knows my body as well as I do. I don't mind being modest. I appreciate my daughter sharing those same attitudes she always was a pretty modest kid. Not all compliments are respectful and uplifting and most times it intention is how we choose to present ourselves. I'd rather present myself to the world as a woman of God. And reserve showing my body for my husband at appropriate times in appropriate places.
Can you tell by what I'm listening too? Music has always been a big thing for me in terms of what is blaring out of my speakers. I've never really cared too much for song with questionable lyrics. No I don't listen to gospel or christian music all the time 24/7. But I'm very careful about the songs I do listen to especially lately. I used to rationalize in my teenage years "I'm just listening to the music and not paying attention to the words." And I used to believe that.
One day I found myself singing "sexual healing" on the way to church. Don't get me wrong... I LOVED that song, I still do. However sometimes that song pops in my head at the most inopportune times. It reminds me of when my daughter was about a year and half, singing bohemian rhapsody in church. Hilarious!
We can all say to some degree "They don't make music like they used to" and we would all agree. Can I just say, I'm sick of the lyrics with all the sexual innuendos, disrespect of women and their bodies, pimps, hoes, and such. Exactly who/what does such music represent? And who are we to promote it?
There's plenty of great music out there without all that other mess. I've several friends who have what they call "Sunday music." Radio music is not Sunday music according to them. My mom used to say if you can't listen to it on Sunday, you prolly shouldn't be listening to it. It was her way of saying be careful what you're listening too, you are the same person Monday -Saturday that you are on Sunday. Basically choose music that is uplifting and joyful... not particularly only religious, although that's good other days as well.
Can you tell by the media I support?
Can someone give me a good reason as to why I should support movies with foul language, violence, sexual content and so on? Just like music, there's plenty of good shows/movies out there that don't focus on these kinds of things. I really don't enjoy them or how they make me feel. I remember going to the movies to see Harlem nights. I laughed my butt off in that movie. And when I thought back on the movie was feeling that if they took out all the swearing, it wouldn't have been as funny. And I sort of felt like I needed to adjust my attitudes and lifestyles to more uplifting and wholesome entertainment.
Article of Faith # 13:
13 W believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.
Can you tell by my actions?
The world is familiar with "What would Jesus Do?" WWJD?
If everyone followed WWJD? Then we could all follow up with DJWW. That's right Devil Just Won't Win.
I learned early on how to serve others. I love doing it. Random Act of Kindness. Anonymous acts of Kindness. Even stupid things that people wouldn't even notice really.... like taking the shopping carts into their stall instead of leaving it in my parking spot. I like being kind. I like helping others to a point.
I detest selfishness and self serving people. People who always expect to get and never really give of themselves.
Matthew 25:40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren ye have done it unto me.
Do our actions represent who we are and what we stand for?
I'm having issues with what to believe or trust. If people aren't consistent in word and deed Do we trust what people say or do we trust what they do? It is not enough to say we believe in God and are followers of Jesus Christ. Our words and actions must reflect it as well. It is not enough to say we believe in God and are followers of Jesus Christ. Our words and actions must reflect it as well.
Do we even follow the basics?
When moses came down from the mountains and found his people dancing and worshipping false idols he broke the stone tablets. He went back up the mountain and came back with the basic 10 commandments we can't even keep today.
Something as simple as using the Lord's name in vain. To me, something as simple as "OH MY G--" would be taking the Lord's name in vain. It's not cussing or blasphemy but is there a need for us to use the Lord's name so casually and out side of praise or prayer? Meh, not really.
Even something as simply as keeping the Sabbath Holy. That means 100 different things to 100 different people. For 6 days we labor in the fields or at our jobs taking care of our the needs for ourselves, our body our atmosphere. The Lord asks for 1 day a week that we worship and remember him. One day of 6. He ask that we not work nor cause anyone else to work when possible. It should be a day to rest from our weekly physical labors and to feed our spirit, study our scriptures visit families or those who could use uplifting of the spirit. Most of the time we can't even do that.
Sum it up in Modern Terms:
Does your face book or myspace page represent you as a christian?
I had to throw that in. I've been sought out by a lot of folks on these things who start off by telling me they're a good christian man looking for a good christian woman. Then I look at their profile and see NOTHING that would support their claims. Every once in a while they might quote some scripture or mention a belief in God or the creator and then quote the philosophies of man mingles with scripture to make is sound good. I'm finding a lot of Closet Christians which is scary to me. When we start hiding who we really are or claim to be, then who we don't want to become starts to show up and take over.
Active Christians should be like Active Marines. Marines get paid by the hour so they're paid 24 hours a day because they don't stop being Marines when they're sleep or out of uniform or off base or away from military personnel.
Christians should be the same way.... we don't stop being christian because we aren't in a church or are away from the congregation or because the people around us aren't representing.
So again I ask... Who are the Christians? How do we know? What will you do from this day forward to represent?
" Live your life so those who don't know Jesus will learn of him because they know you"
Thursday, June 26, 2008
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.
I believe that quote with all my heart. If I didn't believe it I'm sure I'd be in an state hospital some place.
The last 7 days have been some of the toughest I've experienced ever and I've had some pretty tough experiences.
Without going into too much detail I'll get to it.
About eleven years ago I experienced a situation that had a profound effect on me. For the most part i dealt with it in generally a quick manner and put it behind me. Last Friday a sort of recurrence of that situation happened. I spent last Saturday in an emergency crisis center. I don't remember too much of Saturday or even Sunday for that matter. But I remember a bunch of big words and Initials being thrown around that I couldn't grasp.
I have since learned the words Post traumatic Stress Disorder aka PTSD is what they were saying and I was suffering from it and shock. For those of you who don't know, Post traumatic stress disorder is comparable to what war vets experience as "shell shock" or "flash backs." It's as if although they're living in today but their memory treats it as if they are still in the moments of the trauma, and they are experiencing it as if time stood and they are in the midst of it.
No one, I don't care who you are or how strong you think you are, likes to hear they have some sort of disorder or dysfunction. My moment of truth was in the midst of my hysterics I was so physically weak and out of it, I can remember laying down in some one's lap or in some one's arms and simply not having the physical strength to sit up and not remembering who was around me or how I got there. I KNEW I NEEDED HELP, there was no doubts and no denying it.
I never thought PTSD would or could be associated with me. For eleven years I stuffed down the fear, anger shock and all else that came with situation thinking I was putting it behind me.
Much of the weekend is a blur. Within the weekend there were moments of darkness, loneliness, fear, pain, and confusion. I'm still having trouble "connecting all the dots" so to speak. I even suffered a little set back yesterday reminding me to slow down and take it easy so I can properly heal from the trauma. And that's what I'm doing.
What I'm drawn to most over the weekend and this week as well is the overwhelming support of family, friends and loved ones.
I have felt the love, the strength and the support. Although I may never get last weekend back into my memory, I have felt deep inside of me being carried by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
About 13 years ago I was under a dark cloud. I received a beautiful blessing from my home teacher at the time and I will never forget the words: 'Those who are close to you are being protected and guarded by your angels for your benefit." At the time I wasn't sure what that meant. But before the end of the day one of my close friends who was actually out of town on business called me twice that evening. The first time she called she said she was out of town and just felt like she wanted to call and say "hi." The second time she called on the break from her business meeting and said she didn't know why she needed to call and didn't' care why, but she felt so strongly she needed to check up on my and just let me know she loved me and I was in her prayers. I realized what the line in that blessing meant.
I experienced much of that this last week. I heard from several friends who had no knowledge of what I was experiencing. Just "out of the blue" (if you believe in out of the blue ;) many of them simply said
"You're in my prayers, I'm thinking of you, just wanted you to know that"
I had a conversation a while ago with one of my friends who told just in passing,
"hey I was thinking of you the other day..."
and I said..
"why didn't you let me know at the time, I probably needed to hear it then at the time."
And then i said..
"why do we do that? When people are on our minds we either ignore it or tell them after the fact instead when it happens which is probably when they needed to know the most."
He was one of those I heard from this week, he said since that conversation he's decided to let people know when he's thinking of them. I so appreciate him and his following those promptings.
So to all of you who followed those promptings, there is not enough thanks in my heart to express how much it meant hearing from you during this time.
There are times in our lives when we experience trauma and heartache. Most of us don't get the counseling we need in situations such as this because we feel strong and brave and don't want to think there's something wrong with us, or our thinking. That stuff may go away, for a while but it never disappears. It will surface if not properly dealt with. What's frightening is that we cannot choose the time or circumstances under when it will surface again. Don't be afraid or too proud to get counseling or help if you need it. Even if you don't think you need it, it doesn't hurt to talk to someone, get your thoughts and feelings out. Your bishop, pastor, priest, minister or whomever is a good resource to start with. LDS Social Services will also accept anyone, you don't have to be a church member to use this resource.
I'm not sure how long this road is I've got to walk. I am walking it willingly. I'm walking it thoroughly. And I'm not walking it alone, which is so comforting. I can feel many of you walking it with me, holding me up when I'm to weak to hold myself up. In the midst of my confusion on Saturday I was given a blessing. I don't remember much of it, but I do remember afterwards there were arms around me holding me together so I would not fall apart. And then away I was whisked to the trauma crisis center.
Sometimes I laugh most of the day and sometimes I cry most of the day. I've been sleeping ALOT, it feels like more than I've ever slept before. Which isn't a bad thing. lol
My therapist is awesome. I get to reinforce comfort, security and happiness with all my favorite foods, movies, music, and things to do like shopping, drawing, writing and Raggedy Ann and Andy. (Raggedy Ann and Andy were my favorite FAVORITE thing in childhood. I'm surrounded by 5 of them now :). There is no such thing as TOO MANY RAGGEDY ANNs or ANDYs!
Anyway, the shock is wearing off. I'm slowing connecting the dots from the weekend and there are days I'm all me and days I'm a zombie.
But I keep saying a couple things over and over in my head when I feel that anxiety coming on:
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
"If God brings you to it, he will lead you through it."
The last 7 days have been some of the toughest I've experienced ever and I've had some pretty tough experiences.
Without going into too much detail I'll get to it.
About eleven years ago I experienced a situation that had a profound effect on me. For the most part i dealt with it in generally a quick manner and put it behind me. Last Friday a sort of recurrence of that situation happened. I spent last Saturday in an emergency crisis center. I don't remember too much of Saturday or even Sunday for that matter. But I remember a bunch of big words and Initials being thrown around that I couldn't grasp.
I have since learned the words Post traumatic Stress Disorder aka PTSD is what they were saying and I was suffering from it and shock. For those of you who don't know, Post traumatic stress disorder is comparable to what war vets experience as "shell shock" or "flash backs." It's as if although they're living in today but their memory treats it as if they are still in the moments of the trauma, and they are experiencing it as if time stood and they are in the midst of it.
No one, I don't care who you are or how strong you think you are, likes to hear they have some sort of disorder or dysfunction. My moment of truth was in the midst of my hysterics I was so physically weak and out of it, I can remember laying down in some one's lap or in some one's arms and simply not having the physical strength to sit up and not remembering who was around me or how I got there. I KNEW I NEEDED HELP, there was no doubts and no denying it.
I never thought PTSD would or could be associated with me. For eleven years I stuffed down the fear, anger shock and all else that came with situation thinking I was putting it behind me.
Much of the weekend is a blur. Within the weekend there were moments of darkness, loneliness, fear, pain, and confusion. I'm still having trouble "connecting all the dots" so to speak. I even suffered a little set back yesterday reminding me to slow down and take it easy so I can properly heal from the trauma. And that's what I'm doing.
What I'm drawn to most over the weekend and this week as well is the overwhelming support of family, friends and loved ones.
I have felt the love, the strength and the support. Although I may never get last weekend back into my memory, I have felt deep inside of me being carried by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
About 13 years ago I was under a dark cloud. I received a beautiful blessing from my home teacher at the time and I will never forget the words: 'Those who are close to you are being protected and guarded by your angels for your benefit." At the time I wasn't sure what that meant. But before the end of the day one of my close friends who was actually out of town on business called me twice that evening. The first time she called she said she was out of town and just felt like she wanted to call and say "hi." The second time she called on the break from her business meeting and said she didn't know why she needed to call and didn't' care why, but she felt so strongly she needed to check up on my and just let me know she loved me and I was in her prayers. I realized what the line in that blessing meant.
I experienced much of that this last week. I heard from several friends who had no knowledge of what I was experiencing. Just "out of the blue" (if you believe in out of the blue ;) many of them simply said
"You're in my prayers, I'm thinking of you, just wanted you to know that"
I had a conversation a while ago with one of my friends who told just in passing,
"hey I was thinking of you the other day..."
and I said..
"why didn't you let me know at the time, I probably needed to hear it then at the time."
And then i said..
"why do we do that? When people are on our minds we either ignore it or tell them after the fact instead when it happens which is probably when they needed to know the most."
He was one of those I heard from this week, he said since that conversation he's decided to let people know when he's thinking of them. I so appreciate him and his following those promptings.
So to all of you who followed those promptings, there is not enough thanks in my heart to express how much it meant hearing from you during this time.
There are times in our lives when we experience trauma and heartache. Most of us don't get the counseling we need in situations such as this because we feel strong and brave and don't want to think there's something wrong with us, or our thinking. That stuff may go away, for a while but it never disappears. It will surface if not properly dealt with. What's frightening is that we cannot choose the time or circumstances under when it will surface again. Don't be afraid or too proud to get counseling or help if you need it. Even if you don't think you need it, it doesn't hurt to talk to someone, get your thoughts and feelings out. Your bishop, pastor, priest, minister or whomever is a good resource to start with. LDS Social Services will also accept anyone, you don't have to be a church member to use this resource.
I'm not sure how long this road is I've got to walk. I am walking it willingly. I'm walking it thoroughly. And I'm not walking it alone, which is so comforting. I can feel many of you walking it with me, holding me up when I'm to weak to hold myself up. In the midst of my confusion on Saturday I was given a blessing. I don't remember much of it, but I do remember afterwards there were arms around me holding me together so I would not fall apart. And then away I was whisked to the trauma crisis center.
Sometimes I laugh most of the day and sometimes I cry most of the day. I've been sleeping ALOT, it feels like more than I've ever slept before. Which isn't a bad thing. lol
My therapist is awesome. I get to reinforce comfort, security and happiness with all my favorite foods, movies, music, and things to do like shopping, drawing, writing and Raggedy Ann and Andy. (Raggedy Ann and Andy were my favorite FAVORITE thing in childhood. I'm surrounded by 5 of them now :). There is no such thing as TOO MANY RAGGEDY ANNs or ANDYs!
Anyway, the shock is wearing off. I'm slowing connecting the dots from the weekend and there are days I'm all me and days I'm a zombie.
But I keep saying a couple things over and over in my head when I feel that anxiety coming on:
'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
"If God brings you to it, he will lead you through it."
Friday, June 20, 2008
The LDS Genesis Group & THE 30 Year Commemorations
FIRST: Some back ground history of the LDS Genesis group can be found here:
History of Genesis
On June 8, 1971, exactly seven years before President Spencer W. Kimball received a revelation extending the priesthood to "all worthy males," modern Church history was made as Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, Elder Thomas S. Monson, and Elder Boyd K. Packer (then junior apostles) met with three Black Latter-day Saints—Ruffin Bridgeforth, Darius Gray, and Eugene Orr—to discuss how the Church might better support its members of African descent. These six men worked together weekly until The Genesis Group was established as an auxiliary unit of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. To continue to know more about Genesis just follow the link http://www.ldsgenesisgroup.org/history.htm
So for those of you out there who "assume" it's some African American/black renegade rebellious group of the church... WRONG!
I started going to Genesis 10 years ago. My first meeting was actually the 20Th commemoration.
The reason I started going was because one day, my daughter asked me... "mommy, why don't we have pictures of black people in the house except for us and family?"
I thought it was a good question. What we DID have was various LDS portraits: A white child at the knee of Jesus Christ. A white man in the arms of Christ, A group of white girls surrounding Christ..... White people mourning his death, White people praising his Resurrection...
Notice a pattern? Yeah, apparently she did also. She was the age of 8. She was simply looking for a way that she, a black child can identify with not just Jesus Christ, but also the church.
Hmmmmmm, what's a black mama to do?
I know you're curious to know what THIS black mama did, huh?
I did a month long "likening" program with her. We turned to the scriptures, and I read the description of the resurrected:
Revelations 1:14 His hairs were white like wool....his eyes were as a flame of fire.
From that she made he determination that the long haired blue eyed pictures were probably not a true image, but just what the artist was interpreting. She also said that since we were to liken ourselves unto him, that people painted him a little differently.
She really liked the part about the wool. She determined that probably meant a little nappy just like hers. So she was ok with that as well.
Next I made some art with ethnic people. I had alot of it around it was just in disguise. I already had greeting cards and such that I put in 5x7 frames and hung on the walls. I found a painted picture of an elderly woman reading a bible that reminded me of my mom and grand mom so I cut it size 8x10 and hung that up. Then I started creating some of my own thank you cards and little sketches and drawing just for our benefit. I did the Young women values with drawings of girls in french braided corn rows and afro puffs in their hair. My purpose was not in trying to make the church a black church.... because a church is just a building. MY purpose was to show her that the GOSPEL pertains to all people, no matter the size of their body, the color of their skin or the country they were born in.
We did some activities for Family Home Evening such at tie dyed t-shirts and talked about how the different colors on the shirt made a beautiful pattern on the shirt, just like all the colors of God's children on the earth make the earth beautiful. We also tried foods from different countries we'd never tried before and that was really fun. We spent the whole month doing those kinds of things and it was fun. Better than that, she had an understand that although some people might portrait Jesus Christ as some blue eye's long hair white dude who loved all, its not so much what he looked like, it's what he lived by and taught. I asked her if she with the pictures we had. She say "yeah mom, because it doesnt matter to me what he looks like. He loves me no matter what he looks like."
Outta the mouths of babe's yeah?
That was 10 years ago. Since then I've become an active part of the Genesis group. I was the first Young Women's president. From their I went to Activity Chair and now I am currently the Program Director.
This calling would entail me with the help of so many others finding speaking to present the firesides on the first Sunday of each month. I'll tell you I started stressing and planning this thing a year ago. The original plan was to hold the meeting not the first Sunday but the actual date of the 1978 Proclamation, how cool would THAT be? And I would have some of our Black LDS artist solo and bear testimony. I would have 1 of the original members of the Genesis Presidency speak and show the footage of themselves along with Elders Packer, Oaks, and Hinckley who set them apart and organized the Genesis Branch. I wanted a black woman to speak from the Pulpit of the Tabernacle on her views of how the Revelation, preferably a pre 1978 member who back in the day before and is still active today.
I wanted to fill the sounds of the air with some good ol' gospel music. It was going to be the celebration of CELEBRATIONS.
That was the plan. Well as we came into this year things in my life started to twist and turn and get complicated and busy and stressed. The more I planned my meeting the more things fell apart.
AND THEN, I got the call from the branch Presidency that said... "well the Church Public Relations would like to do a World Wide Celebration Broadcast..." PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!
Let me tell ya why:
I got engaged roughly around March that ALONE is stress and shock. This program was planned for June 8th. My daughter would be graduating high school May 28th and all the family would be in town. And then the Annual Genesis summer family picnic a week later so my mind was SWIRLING!
We then went into negotiations about the broadcast. They game a proposal, we gave suggestions and amendments, they gave alternate suggestions and amendments and the final agreement is what you were able to see as the broadcast.
I was very insist ant on having a black female speak. If I had to push my mama on the stand or do it myself.... (which actually was part of the original program....*whew*)
I was please with how the broadcast went in some ways and a little indifferent in others.
My biggest concern was them wanting to do a world wide broadcast with conservative homogenized faces and performances which, in my mind, would defeat the purpose to those who have misconceptions about our church.
I like the multicultural choir. It would have been nice to hear other solo est. I love the solo est chosen, he's a person friend of mine and he did a FABULOUS job. The choirs were from R.O.C director Mike Campbell, Divine Heritage directed by, And LDS Genesis Choir Director Lyn Dudley, (yes she is my sister!) Lyn work with the Motab director in assembling the choirs. It would have been nice to hear an ethnic song of praise from the choirs as well as our beautiful hymns. I was THRILLED to have the speakers we had! President Parker... HE IS THE MAN! I spoke with him after the service and he instructed me to find his son at BYU, get him to Genesis each month and give him a calling! Done deal President Parker. We'll be hearing from him in our regular Genesis meeting in the next year. Those of you who heard him speak, can you believe was the first talk he's ever written? I enjoyed all the speaker. Still would have liked to have heard from t hose who were members before the proclamation and how it changed their lives and their testimonies now.
I enjoy it. I was thrilled the church came in and did this meeting, they could certainly do it on a larger and better capacity than I ever could have. For the most part, it went better than I thought. (that's speaking from the planning and stressful side of things )
I'm grateful it was even Acknowledged by the church. A little sad it wasn't acknowledged in the different wards. I dare say in most wards the date came and went without even a mention.
The broadcast was conservative in true LDS fashion but I think it went over well for the most part.
We've come a long way but there's still a long way to go.
"we ain't where we were but we sho ain't where we could be..."
We've come along way from looking for black LDS art to having black stake presidents speak in the tabernacle.
Hurray for progress!
History of Genesis
On June 8, 1971, exactly seven years before President Spencer W. Kimball received a revelation extending the priesthood to "all worthy males," modern Church history was made as Elder Gordon B. Hinckley, Elder Thomas S. Monson, and Elder Boyd K. Packer (then junior apostles) met with three Black Latter-day Saints—Ruffin Bridgeforth, Darius Gray, and Eugene Orr—to discuss how the Church might better support its members of African descent. These six men worked together weekly until The Genesis Group was established as an auxiliary unit of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. To continue to know more about Genesis just follow the link http://www.ldsgenesisgroup.org/history.htm
So for those of you out there who "assume" it's some African American/black renegade rebellious group of the church... WRONG!
I started going to Genesis 10 years ago. My first meeting was actually the 20Th commemoration.
The reason I started going was because one day, my daughter asked me... "mommy, why don't we have pictures of black people in the house except for us and family?"
I thought it was a good question. What we DID have was various LDS portraits: A white child at the knee of Jesus Christ. A white man in the arms of Christ, A group of white girls surrounding Christ..... White people mourning his death, White people praising his Resurrection...
Notice a pattern? Yeah, apparently she did also. She was the age of 8. She was simply looking for a way that she, a black child can identify with not just Jesus Christ, but also the church.
Hmmmmmm, what's a black mama to do?
I know you're curious to know what THIS black mama did, huh?
I did a month long "likening" program with her. We turned to the scriptures, and I read the description of the resurrected:
Revelations 1:14 His hairs were white like wool....his eyes were as a flame of fire.
From that she made he determination that the long haired blue eyed pictures were probably not a true image, but just what the artist was interpreting. She also said that since we were to liken ourselves unto him, that people painted him a little differently.
She really liked the part about the wool. She determined that probably meant a little nappy just like hers. So she was ok with that as well.
Next I made some art with ethnic people. I had alot of it around it was just in disguise. I already had greeting cards and such that I put in 5x7 frames and hung on the walls. I found a painted picture of an elderly woman reading a bible that reminded me of my mom and grand mom so I cut it size 8x10 and hung that up. Then I started creating some of my own thank you cards and little sketches and drawing just for our benefit. I did the Young women values with drawings of girls in french braided corn rows and afro puffs in their hair. My purpose was not in trying to make the church a black church.... because a church is just a building. MY purpose was to show her that the GOSPEL pertains to all people, no matter the size of their body, the color of their skin or the country they were born in.
We did some activities for Family Home Evening such at tie dyed t-shirts and talked about how the different colors on the shirt made a beautiful pattern on the shirt, just like all the colors of God's children on the earth make the earth beautiful. We also tried foods from different countries we'd never tried before and that was really fun. We spent the whole month doing those kinds of things and it was fun. Better than that, she had an understand that although some people might portrait Jesus Christ as some blue eye's long hair white dude who loved all, its not so much what he looked like, it's what he lived by and taught. I asked her if she with the pictures we had. She say "yeah mom, because it doesnt matter to me what he looks like. He loves me no matter what he looks like."
Outta the mouths of babe's yeah?
That was 10 years ago. Since then I've become an active part of the Genesis group. I was the first Young Women's president. From their I went to Activity Chair and now I am currently the Program Director.
This calling would entail me with the help of so many others finding speaking to present the firesides on the first Sunday of each month. I'll tell you I started stressing and planning this thing a year ago. The original plan was to hold the meeting not the first Sunday but the actual date of the 1978 Proclamation, how cool would THAT be? And I would have some of our Black LDS artist solo and bear testimony. I would have 1 of the original members of the Genesis Presidency speak and show the footage of themselves along with Elders Packer, Oaks, and Hinckley who set them apart and organized the Genesis Branch. I wanted a black woman to speak from the Pulpit of the Tabernacle on her views of how the Revelation, preferably a pre 1978 member who back in the day before and is still active today.
I wanted to fill the sounds of the air with some good ol' gospel music. It was going to be the celebration of CELEBRATIONS.
That was the plan. Well as we came into this year things in my life started to twist and turn and get complicated and busy and stressed. The more I planned my meeting the more things fell apart.
AND THEN, I got the call from the branch Presidency that said... "well the Church Public Relations would like to do a World Wide Celebration Broadcast..." PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!
Let me tell ya why:
I got engaged roughly around March that ALONE is stress and shock. This program was planned for June 8th. My daughter would be graduating high school May 28th and all the family would be in town. And then the Annual Genesis summer family picnic a week later so my mind was SWIRLING!
We then went into negotiations about the broadcast. They game a proposal, we gave suggestions and amendments, they gave alternate suggestions and amendments and the final agreement is what you were able to see as the broadcast.
I was very insist ant on having a black female speak. If I had to push my mama on the stand or do it myself.... (which actually was part of the original program....*whew*)
I was please with how the broadcast went in some ways and a little indifferent in others.
My biggest concern was them wanting to do a world wide broadcast with conservative homogenized faces and performances which, in my mind, would defeat the purpose to those who have misconceptions about our church.
I like the multicultural choir. It would have been nice to hear other solo est. I love the solo est chosen, he's a person friend of mine and he did a FABULOUS job. The choirs were from R.O.C director Mike Campbell, Divine Heritage directed by, And LDS Genesis Choir Director Lyn Dudley, (yes she is my sister!) Lyn work with the Motab director in assembling the choirs. It would have been nice to hear an ethnic song of praise from the choirs as well as our beautiful hymns. I was THRILLED to have the speakers we had! President Parker... HE IS THE MAN! I spoke with him after the service and he instructed me to find his son at BYU, get him to Genesis each month and give him a calling! Done deal President Parker. We'll be hearing from him in our regular Genesis meeting in the next year. Those of you who heard him speak, can you believe was the first talk he's ever written? I enjoyed all the speaker. Still would have liked to have heard from t hose who were members before the proclamation and how it changed their lives and their testimonies now.
I enjoy it. I was thrilled the church came in and did this meeting, they could certainly do it on a larger and better capacity than I ever could have. For the most part, it went better than I thought. (that's speaking from the planning and stressful side of things )
I'm grateful it was even Acknowledged by the church. A little sad it wasn't acknowledged in the different wards. I dare say in most wards the date came and went without even a mention.
The broadcast was conservative in true LDS fashion but I think it went over well for the most part.
We've come a long way but there's still a long way to go.
"we ain't where we were but we sho ain't where we could be..."
We've come along way from looking for black LDS art to having black stake presidents speak in the tabernacle.
Hurray for progress!
Thursday, June 12, 2008
How Can ANY Black Person Be LDS or Live in Utah?
Once again that was the question. "How can you be a black Mormon?" And it's usually followed by something like.... "they have really brain washed you, I'ma pray for you."
*SIGH*
My thinking is.... "here we go again."
It's quite interesting when black people visiting Utah run into me or my sister. I'm not sure what happened on THIS particular day, but I was already in a bad mood. I should have worn a t-shirt that said... "Don't start no stuff, won't be no stuff."
Anyway, I'm walking out of the grocery store and 2 women approach me.... "hey, do you live here?" They asked
"Yup, I sure do!" I answered, bracing myself.
"WHY? And where are all the Black People?" they said.
"They're in Ogden" I snickered out loud.
"You a Mormon?" was the next question
"YES! Yes I am....!" I said loud and emphatically.
Already knowing what the next question was going to be, I waited for it...
"I never heard of black Mormon's before you must be the only one. How can ANY black person be a latter day saint?" was the question
"Well what do you mean?" I asked, playing dumb.
"Y'all can't even get into their temples. And you can't even marry someone of a different color and be part of that church. They teach that black people don't go to heaven and can't be preachers or ministers in that church. Girl they got you brain washed, I'ma pray for you."
Now when these moments come up, I have a few choices.
I can get pissed off and battle with them and their ignorance.
I can smile and thank them for informing me.
I can take the opportunity to educate and dispel any myths
Or I can simply turn away, ignore them and go on about my business.
*sigh* If you know me, ya know what I did don't you?
I've been in Utah almost 18 years. EIGHTEEN LONG YEARS!
When I was pregnant with my daughter I went to California to live with my brother and sister-in-law. After living with them a year I knew I couldn't stay there forever and it was time for me to step up and find a life for me and my daughter.
I called my mom in Battle Creek Michigan and told her I was coming home.
"NO, you're not!" was her answer. I was baffled, what did she mean I wasn't coming home?
They say you can ALWAYS go home.
"baby, you are not supposed to be here. If you were supposed to be here I'd let you come home, but this is not where the Lord wants you to be."
"Where am I supposed to go?" I cried.
"you need to get on your knees and talk to your Heavenly Father and find out." She said.
She was right. Sometimes when things get tough the first thing we do is run home for shelter and safety and comfort and we get stuck there because of the familiarity of it all.
To say the least, I was really shaken up by that conversation. I was welcomed to stay with my brother and sister-in-law. But staying their didn't feel right either.
So for about a week I contemplated places to go. I know where I didn't want to go. My sister was in Utah and I had already lived their for a summer and in Idaho for 2 years. I also lived in New Jersey for a bit and I loved it out East.
So I put myself in motion to possibly move out East. As I was planning to go out East a Gnawing feeling kept creeping into my mind... "yewtaw" I would quickly brush it away and continue to make my plans.
You know where this is headed, dontcha? The more I planned for out East the louder the "UTAH" voice was in my head.
Man I didn't want to go to Utah. I was JUST there. I had fun and all, but I was ready for another experience.
*sigh* Finally I did just as my mother directed: got down on my knees and prayed. I knew before I prayed I was going to Utah. But the answer I rec'd through prayer gave me the faith and courage to follow the direction I received. It was so CRYSTAL CLEAR:
"Go and raise your daughter. You will be well cared for. You will be successful. You will teach the youth the beauty of cultural diversity and brotherhood. You will be a pioneer for those who don't understand. You will help pave the way to knowledge and enlightenment."
When I left California, I had enough rent for 1 month and enough food and diapers for my baby daughter for 2 weeks. I packed my clothes, her clothes and stroller and went to Utah. My sister had found me an apartment with a roommate who wouldn't mind a struggling single mother living with her.
I flew in late on a Friday night. I started putting in Job applications on Monday, was hired as a hostess in a restaurant on Wednesday and started working a week after I arrived. I believe Heavenly Father had this in the works before I even arrived. By obedience I was blessed every step of the way. He put situations in my life letting me know that the choices I made were right choices.
Back to the grocery store parking lot:
" How can ANY black person be a latter day saint?"
I tried to divert the question by asking them where they were from.
"Atlanta."
"Atlanta????? " I asked in horror.
"How can any black person live in the south? I mean with all the bigotry still going on and didn't they have slaves down south? I don't get how anyone can know black history and still choose to live in the south?"
They looked at each other like I spoke in Japanese or something, then at me like a horn popped outta my forehead.
I "axed" them again... " HOW can any black person knowing the history of slavery live in the south?? WHY would they want to??"
I broke into a smile, because I knew I had them thinking. I explained to them the misinformation they had about blacks not being able to go into the temples or minster or marry a different culture. I had been endowed since 1993 meaning I had been through and in the temple MANY times. Many of my friends are members who serve as High Priest, bless, administer, deliver sermons across the pulpit, preach, lay hands on and pray over and do everything there is in the church to do. INCLUDING my father and brothers. I also showed a picture of my father and step-mother (who is white) and informed them they were indeed married in the SLC temple.
They were taken by surprise. "Well, what about black men and the priesthood? They couldn't even have it until 1978."
That's true I told them. I told them the history of other churches who had discriminatory traditions. I called them traditions because I don't believe them to be doctrine.
I told them, you don't hear about how the other churches stopped practicing their discriminatory traditions because they didn't proclaim it to the world. LDS Church made a WORLD WIDE announcement proclaiming EVERY worthy male regardless of color or race was invited to come and receive the priesthood which we believe is the power on earth to act in behalf of God. Knowing this would most likely single them out as a racist religion, they went forth and let the world know. Which was the right thing to do, to proclaim to the world, and not on the down low as if to hide some dirty little secret.
I also invited them to think about the history of the United state even know there is still much discrimination. It's not as bad as it was HOWEVER, perhaps we needed to wait for the people of the world to accept blacks as equals so the work of the Lord could go forth. For EVERYTHING there is a season....and the Lord knows that season when we do not.
My point in bringin' up bein' black and living in the south was... Slavery was a long time ago. Conditions are not as they were. The world is a different place. We as a black people have come along way is ALL aspects of life, even religion. You don't base where you live on the passed history, but on the progression of moving forward and how you are able to successfully live your life.
I don't base my religion on it's passed traditions that no longer exist. I base them on the blessings I receive and the success, happiness and peace it brings my family. I base it on the knowledge I have of truth and righteousness it brings to me and my family. I base it in KNOWING the doctrine studying the Scriptures and a feeling of confirmation that I've received time and time again when asked in knowing what is true and what isn't true. A confirmation that only comes by studying and prayer, ASKING GOD THE FATHER IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST for a testimony of truth.
After about a 2 hour conversation in a Utah grocery store parking lot with 2 of my Sistahs from Georgia I remember that portion of the answer I rec'd to my prayer almost 20 years ago:
"You will teach the youth the beauty of cultural diversity and brotherhood. You will be a pioneer for those who don't understand. You will help pave the way to knowledge and enlightenment."
This is why I'm here, in Utah. It is why my sister and I chose to stay in Utah. If black folks keep moving out of Utah because there's a lack of diversity and an intolerable ignorance about it, then Utah will never diversify and will always be in a state of ignorance toward other races and cultures.
It is one of the things I've been called to do. And there is great peace and joy in knowing what you've been called to do and having the ability to do it.
If you don't feel you are where you should be, I challenge you to speak to your father in Heaven and find out. And when you know I promise you that if you are obedient and faithful, you will be blessed. Whether you are struggling with finances, family, or whatever is holding you back from moving forward, God has it all worked out. He will take care of and make sure your needs and the needs of your loved one's are met. It is his promise.
*SIGH*
My thinking is.... "here we go again."
It's quite interesting when black people visiting Utah run into me or my sister. I'm not sure what happened on THIS particular day, but I was already in a bad mood. I should have worn a t-shirt that said... "Don't start no stuff, won't be no stuff."
Anyway, I'm walking out of the grocery store and 2 women approach me.... "hey, do you live here?" They asked
"Yup, I sure do!" I answered, bracing myself.
"WHY? And where are all the Black People?" they said.
"They're in Ogden" I snickered out loud.
"You a Mormon?" was the next question
"YES! Yes I am....!" I said loud and emphatically.
Already knowing what the next question was going to be, I waited for it...
"I never heard of black Mormon's before you must be the only one. How can ANY black person be a latter day saint?" was the question
"Well what do you mean?" I asked, playing dumb.
"Y'all can't even get into their temples. And you can't even marry someone of a different color and be part of that church. They teach that black people don't go to heaven and can't be preachers or ministers in that church. Girl they got you brain washed, I'ma pray for you."
Now when these moments come up, I have a few choices.
I can get pissed off and battle with them and their ignorance.
I can smile and thank them for informing me.
I can take the opportunity to educate and dispel any myths
Or I can simply turn away, ignore them and go on about my business.
*sigh* If you know me, ya know what I did don't you?
I've been in Utah almost 18 years. EIGHTEEN LONG YEARS!
When I was pregnant with my daughter I went to California to live with my brother and sister-in-law. After living with them a year I knew I couldn't stay there forever and it was time for me to step up and find a life for me and my daughter.
I called my mom in Battle Creek Michigan and told her I was coming home.
"NO, you're not!" was her answer. I was baffled, what did she mean I wasn't coming home?
They say you can ALWAYS go home.
"baby, you are not supposed to be here. If you were supposed to be here I'd let you come home, but this is not where the Lord wants you to be."
"Where am I supposed to go?" I cried.
"you need to get on your knees and talk to your Heavenly Father and find out." She said.
She was right. Sometimes when things get tough the first thing we do is run home for shelter and safety and comfort and we get stuck there because of the familiarity of it all.
To say the least, I was really shaken up by that conversation. I was welcomed to stay with my brother and sister-in-law. But staying their didn't feel right either.
So for about a week I contemplated places to go. I know where I didn't want to go. My sister was in Utah and I had already lived their for a summer and in Idaho for 2 years. I also lived in New Jersey for a bit and I loved it out East.
So I put myself in motion to possibly move out East. As I was planning to go out East a Gnawing feeling kept creeping into my mind... "yewtaw" I would quickly brush it away and continue to make my plans.
You know where this is headed, dontcha? The more I planned for out East the louder the "UTAH" voice was in my head.
Man I didn't want to go to Utah. I was JUST there. I had fun and all, but I was ready for another experience.
*sigh* Finally I did just as my mother directed: got down on my knees and prayed. I knew before I prayed I was going to Utah. But the answer I rec'd through prayer gave me the faith and courage to follow the direction I received. It was so CRYSTAL CLEAR:
"Go and raise your daughter. You will be well cared for. You will be successful. You will teach the youth the beauty of cultural diversity and brotherhood. You will be a pioneer for those who don't understand. You will help pave the way to knowledge and enlightenment."
When I left California, I had enough rent for 1 month and enough food and diapers for my baby daughter for 2 weeks. I packed my clothes, her clothes and stroller and went to Utah. My sister had found me an apartment with a roommate who wouldn't mind a struggling single mother living with her.
I flew in late on a Friday night. I started putting in Job applications on Monday, was hired as a hostess in a restaurant on Wednesday and started working a week after I arrived. I believe Heavenly Father had this in the works before I even arrived. By obedience I was blessed every step of the way. He put situations in my life letting me know that the choices I made were right choices.
Back to the grocery store parking lot:
" How can ANY black person be a latter day saint?"
I tried to divert the question by asking them where they were from.
"Atlanta."
"Atlanta????? " I asked in horror.
"How can any black person live in the south? I mean with all the bigotry still going on and didn't they have slaves down south? I don't get how anyone can know black history and still choose to live in the south?"
They looked at each other like I spoke in Japanese or something, then at me like a horn popped outta my forehead.
I "axed" them again... " HOW can any black person knowing the history of slavery live in the south?? WHY would they want to??"
I broke into a smile, because I knew I had them thinking. I explained to them the misinformation they had about blacks not being able to go into the temples or minster or marry a different culture. I had been endowed since 1993 meaning I had been through and in the temple MANY times. Many of my friends are members who serve as High Priest, bless, administer, deliver sermons across the pulpit, preach, lay hands on and pray over and do everything there is in the church to do. INCLUDING my father and brothers. I also showed a picture of my father and step-mother (who is white) and informed them they were indeed married in the SLC temple.
They were taken by surprise. "Well, what about black men and the priesthood? They couldn't even have it until 1978."
That's true I told them. I told them the history of other churches who had discriminatory traditions. I called them traditions because I don't believe them to be doctrine.
I told them, you don't hear about how the other churches stopped practicing their discriminatory traditions because they didn't proclaim it to the world. LDS Church made a WORLD WIDE announcement proclaiming EVERY worthy male regardless of color or race was invited to come and receive the priesthood which we believe is the power on earth to act in behalf of God. Knowing this would most likely single them out as a racist religion, they went forth and let the world know. Which was the right thing to do, to proclaim to the world, and not on the down low as if to hide some dirty little secret.
I also invited them to think about the history of the United state even know there is still much discrimination. It's not as bad as it was HOWEVER, perhaps we needed to wait for the people of the world to accept blacks as equals so the work of the Lord could go forth. For EVERYTHING there is a season....and the Lord knows that season when we do not.
My point in bringin' up bein' black and living in the south was... Slavery was a long time ago. Conditions are not as they were. The world is a different place. We as a black people have come along way is ALL aspects of life, even religion. You don't base where you live on the passed history, but on the progression of moving forward and how you are able to successfully live your life.
I don't base my religion on it's passed traditions that no longer exist. I base them on the blessings I receive and the success, happiness and peace it brings my family. I base it on the knowledge I have of truth and righteousness it brings to me and my family. I base it in KNOWING the doctrine studying the Scriptures and a feeling of confirmation that I've received time and time again when asked in knowing what is true and what isn't true. A confirmation that only comes by studying and prayer, ASKING GOD THE FATHER IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST for a testimony of truth.
After about a 2 hour conversation in a Utah grocery store parking lot with 2 of my Sistahs from Georgia I remember that portion of the answer I rec'd to my prayer almost 20 years ago:
"You will teach the youth the beauty of cultural diversity and brotherhood. You will be a pioneer for those who don't understand. You will help pave the way to knowledge and enlightenment."
This is why I'm here, in Utah. It is why my sister and I chose to stay in Utah. If black folks keep moving out of Utah because there's a lack of diversity and an intolerable ignorance about it, then Utah will never diversify and will always be in a state of ignorance toward other races and cultures.
It is one of the things I've been called to do. And there is great peace and joy in knowing what you've been called to do and having the ability to do it.
If you don't feel you are where you should be, I challenge you to speak to your father in Heaven and find out. And when you know I promise you that if you are obedient and faithful, you will be blessed. Whether you are struggling with finances, family, or whatever is holding you back from moving forward, God has it all worked out. He will take care of and make sure your needs and the needs of your loved one's are met. It is his promise.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The Master Has a Grand Design!
I touched on this for a minute in my main blog, but wanted to expand on it here.
I'll begin with the same first paragraphs:
Around January everything felt so up in the air. Just about every aspect of life was coming together and then something happened the end of January that just blew into my world like a tornado. I saw Dorothy, the wicked witch, even poor little toto.Not it's the end of April and the peices of this puzzled called my life have dropped from the air and landed. I'm gathering those peices and putting them back together.As I'm putting together the items that are fitting into place I'm noticing something strange....The peices that have landed are NOT the same peices that were up in the air in the first place....
I can remember at one point looking sky ward and saying.... "Oh Heavenly Father, I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've done all I know to do, and I'm giving it up to you." And I sort of threw my hands in the air and went on about my business. Jan, Feb, March & April there have been some crazy stuff going on. I've been all too aware of that feeling of the peices in my life up in the air.
Well a couple of weeks ago the peices start falling. When things are up in the air sometimes the ONLY thing you can do is wait for the peices to fall and then start to put them back together.
So the peices are falling and I've begun putting them back together. These are defineately NOT the same peices that I put in the air.
My inital first recation was "oh great! I've got even more peices to put together than before."
But as I've been putting this puzzle back to gether, I've notice remnants of the old peices mixes with some new peices. The new peices are better. I LIKE THIS PUZZLE better than the one I threw up a few months ago.
it's as if God the father took my old puzzle, painted a new master design over the top of the old puzzle and sent it back to me. He painted for me a new scene to put together.
That's what he does for each of us. We take charge of our own lives and that's not a bad thing. But when what we want is opposite of what the Lord has designed for us, we try and force our puzzle piece into HIS master design and begin to build OUR masterpeice.
We forget he's the architect, the master planner with the master design. He knows where every nail print in our life belongs. He's givin us the tools to build. He's even provided for us a carpenter who not only is familiar with all the tools but knows the master plan as well. We go to the carpenter to guide us in building the masterpiece intended for us.
I think we are all somewhat guilty of trying to take over and redesign the Master's work. Ususally it's only when we look at the mess we've created that we realize.... " umm I prolly should have followed the master plan" yeah... we spend alot of time with a wrecking ball or a back hoe trying to dig out and fix out own OOOPPPS!
About this new puzzle! It's awesome and coming together quite nicely. I'm excited for the new "scene" placed before me and for those who will be by my side in building this new puzzle.
Don't ever be too afraid to let go of what you have and give it to The Master. Whatever mess we've made of our lives he can bless it.
"If God can make Penicillin outta mold, he can make something outta you!"
I'll begin with the same first paragraphs:
Around January everything felt so up in the air. Just about every aspect of life was coming together and then something happened the end of January that just blew into my world like a tornado. I saw Dorothy, the wicked witch, even poor little toto.Not it's the end of April and the peices of this puzzled called my life have dropped from the air and landed. I'm gathering those peices and putting them back together.As I'm putting together the items that are fitting into place I'm noticing something strange....The peices that have landed are NOT the same peices that were up in the air in the first place....
I can remember at one point looking sky ward and saying.... "Oh Heavenly Father, I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've done all I know to do, and I'm giving it up to you." And I sort of threw my hands in the air and went on about my business. Jan, Feb, March & April there have been some crazy stuff going on. I've been all too aware of that feeling of the peices in my life up in the air.
Well a couple of weeks ago the peices start falling. When things are up in the air sometimes the ONLY thing you can do is wait for the peices to fall and then start to put them back together.
So the peices are falling and I've begun putting them back together. These are defineately NOT the same peices that I put in the air.
My inital first recation was "oh great! I've got even more peices to put together than before."
But as I've been putting this puzzle back to gether, I've notice remnants of the old peices mixes with some new peices. The new peices are better. I LIKE THIS PUZZLE better than the one I threw up a few months ago.
it's as if God the father took my old puzzle, painted a new master design over the top of the old puzzle and sent it back to me. He painted for me a new scene to put together.
That's what he does for each of us. We take charge of our own lives and that's not a bad thing. But when what we want is opposite of what the Lord has designed for us, we try and force our puzzle piece into HIS master design and begin to build OUR masterpeice.
We forget he's the architect, the master planner with the master design. He knows where every nail print in our life belongs. He's givin us the tools to build. He's even provided for us a carpenter who not only is familiar with all the tools but knows the master plan as well. We go to the carpenter to guide us in building the masterpiece intended for us.
I think we are all somewhat guilty of trying to take over and redesign the Master's work. Ususally it's only when we look at the mess we've created that we realize.... " umm I prolly should have followed the master plan" yeah... we spend alot of time with a wrecking ball or a back hoe trying to dig out and fix out own OOOPPPS!
About this new puzzle! It's awesome and coming together quite nicely. I'm excited for the new "scene" placed before me and for those who will be by my side in building this new puzzle.
Don't ever be too afraid to let go of what you have and give it to The Master. Whatever mess we've made of our lives he can bless it.
"If God can make Penicillin outta mold, he can make something outta you!"
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I'm SLACKING..... and I can feel it!
You all know how we do those little things each day that keep us in tune to the promptings of the Holy Spirit and keep us close to God? When things get stressed and diffifult we let go of those little things thinking because they are so small it won't matter if you cut them out this time, or hold off on them for a couple days.
Well I'm here to day.... those little things, they do count. They do make a big difference. When this happens, at least for me, I put myself back into basic training.
If you know me, you know what basic training is: The basics of finding a center of your life and then the balance around the center. For me, that Center is Jesus christ, then Family, and then the rest seems to fall into place.
I'm finding out each day how important it is to spend time in stillness and silence. Some people meditate. Some people pray. Some people chant while others will pick up a book of thoughts, or their scriptures or some sort of affirmation. Do whatever works to help you spend some time and commune with whatever higher power source you believe in, find your peace so you can live in it and create it around you.
I now commute to work each day and the drive is about 30-40 minutes. I love it. I love spending time in silence. I take that opportunity to Converse with my Heavenly Father. It's like a "daddy/ daughter" council session and it prepares me for the day. It also keeps me focused on what's really important and reminds me of all the things and people I truly grateful for.
I wonder why these things are only periodically habitual? Some may think well we alway come to God in times of need and in times of thanks. But aren't we always in times of need and in times of thanks?
In April we have Author Toni Sorenson give a talk at the Monthly Genesis Meetings.
She's Amazing. She's written an ABSOLUTELY Powerful book Called "Master." Toni is one person I know who LOVES JESUS! She loves to talk about Jesus, she loves to Praise him and she is simply amazing. I have seen her go through many things in the last 3 years. Many trials and struggles but the one thing that is constant is she is Praising and thanking her God through it all.
The most important message I got from her example is, don't wait for the trials to be over to think God. He is with you through whatever fire is before you. He's sustaining you, educating you, protecting you, making you stronger, preparing you and beside you in the furnace of affliction. Don't wait until after the trial to thank and praise him.
http://www.jennielhansen.com/covclub/feb08.htm
Well I'm here to day.... those little things, they do count. They do make a big difference. When this happens, at least for me, I put myself back into basic training.
If you know me, you know what basic training is: The basics of finding a center of your life and then the balance around the center. For me, that Center is Jesus christ, then Family, and then the rest seems to fall into place.
I'm finding out each day how important it is to spend time in stillness and silence. Some people meditate. Some people pray. Some people chant while others will pick up a book of thoughts, or their scriptures or some sort of affirmation. Do whatever works to help you spend some time and commune with whatever higher power source you believe in, find your peace so you can live in it and create it around you.
I now commute to work each day and the drive is about 30-40 minutes. I love it. I love spending time in silence. I take that opportunity to Converse with my Heavenly Father. It's like a "daddy/ daughter" council session and it prepares me for the day. It also keeps me focused on what's really important and reminds me of all the things and people I truly grateful for.
I wonder why these things are only periodically habitual? Some may think well we alway come to God in times of need and in times of thanks. But aren't we always in times of need and in times of thanks?
In April we have Author Toni Sorenson give a talk at the Monthly Genesis Meetings.
She's Amazing. She's written an ABSOLUTELY Powerful book Called "Master." Toni is one person I know who LOVES JESUS! She loves to talk about Jesus, she loves to Praise him and she is simply amazing. I have seen her go through many things in the last 3 years. Many trials and struggles but the one thing that is constant is she is Praising and thanking her God through it all.
The most important message I got from her example is, don't wait for the trials to be over to think God. He is with you through whatever fire is before you. He's sustaining you, educating you, protecting you, making you stronger, preparing you and beside you in the furnace of affliction. Don't wait until after the trial to thank and praise him.
http://www.jennielhansen.com/covclub/feb08.htm
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
We Can Do A Little Better Than Hamburger Helper Can't We?
I was speaking with my friend Brook last week about the Church. She's a member although not really active but I can see her heart starting to slowly turn back to the fold so to speak.
We were speaking about what happened to her after her mother passed away about a year go. As most single parents she did what she needed to provide for her son and her mother who live d with her. I'm not sure if she ever lived on her own before her mother passed away. Mom did most of the in home care while Brook worked to provide.
Her mother passed away quite suddenly. Even in the situation of having a parent ill with the knowledge of their lives coming to an end isn't easy, so to lose a parent quite suddenly is and immense shock to anyone's system.
She spoke of the ward members in her area and the judgements which were passed upon herself, her mother and her son.
In going through some difficulties about this time last year I turned to my bishop who gave me these instructions: "Let us love you. The Purpose of a ward and ward family is to love you, don't run away, let us love you."
I took him up on that offer. My congregation (ward) is PHENOMINAL and I invite anyone out there to come to provo and visit the GrandView 9th ward. I don't care who you are, what you look like and how you dress, you will not believe the warmth and love you feel in this congregation.
Brook at this most needed time in her life was not so lucky. The ward member's kicked in as dutiful little robots to carry out the much needed "funeral assignments." But without comfort and warmth in service, is it really service at all?
I imagine a congrete building with herself and her son looking at a wooden box in which her mother lies resting in peace. This woeden box, lying on top of a concrete slab.
The lighting is dim. The room, also concrete with concrete benches. No windows but a damp musty smell in the chilled air. So cool you can see your own breath. Resting on those concrete benches are Robots in varying shades of gray programmed to different assigned task. Upon finishing their task they walk up to Brook and her son and speak some choppy well programmed monotone condolence. While putting cold steel arms around her before turning their back and leaving.
This was the picture I recieve in my mind as she explained to me the feelings she had by a ward whose job is to Love her and her son. She met people she had never seen before and she has never seen since.
Where are home and visiting teachers during times such as these? I guess there was a Relief society member who took some effort to reach out to her and speak those famous words we Latter Day Saint's speak:
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
I'm not sure about the rest of you but I do tend to cringe when I hear these words. In my experience, most who same them, don't really mean them. I have great faith that my home teachers and visiting teachers mean them and I almost feel bad when I have to say to them,
"no, I think we're doing great but I'll let you know if something comes up."
Don't most of us know that we can sense a sincere offering and we can sense when an offering is out of obligation. In other words.... we KNOW when you meant it and when you don't.
When Brook was presented with those words: "Is there anything I can do for you?"
I'm sure the sister who asked was quite suprized when Brook had the audacity to let her know there was something they, the relief society sisters could do for her.
Her response was simple. It was easy. It was a opportunity for her to feel the love of God our father and In Christ our Lord. It was an opportunity for someone to reach out and serve and "do it unto the least of these..."
Brook said... "well can somebody teach me how to cook? I've never had to cook before my mom did all the cooking."
Such a simple request in a time where someone's world could be crumbling apart around them.
The response she recieve back pains my heart when I think of it.
Her relief society sister responded to her: "You may have to stock up on Hamburger Helper for a while."
My mouth dropped when she told me this. Tears formed in my eyes and my heart screamed at the disservice my sister had encountered.
This was Brooks final straw with her ward/congregaton.
It's been around a year I guess since this has happened. I must say in hearing her story a bit of shame came over me. One of the Saddest things about this earth is how we treat our brothers and sisters. How we make service a matter of OUR convenience instead of providing it when it is much needed by another.
Something as simple as passing on a recipe or spending a couple of hours a week with Brook could have completely changed some major things in her life and impacted her, her son and her life forever.
To tell ya the truth I wish I could find that Sister and give her an infamous V-8 moment. Because she missed the mark on that one
Our sister Brook was failed. That's the bottom line truth.
Brothers and Sisters take some time to seek out those who are in need of the Lords love and service in their lives and do what you can. It doesn't have to be some great thing. Something as simple as a hug. A 5 minute visit to someone not feeling well or having a hard time. This valentines day I rec'd a call from someone who is ill who had been thinking of me. She wanted me to know that if I needed some sweets she had a plateful of cookies on her table she was waiting to share. She called because she wanted to hear MY LAUGH on Valentines day. How AWESOME and amazing is she?
My grandma used to always say "The only hands the Lord has are yours." That's always stuck with me.
When you speak the words "is there anything I can do for you or call me if you need anything" make sure you mean it or just don't even let that lie out of your mouth.
Feel free to comment your favorite recipe for my friend brook who has come a long way in her cooking. I think it would be a great gesture of love!
And please.... we CAN do a little better than Hamburger helper, can't we?
We were speaking about what happened to her after her mother passed away about a year go. As most single parents she did what she needed to provide for her son and her mother who live d with her. I'm not sure if she ever lived on her own before her mother passed away. Mom did most of the in home care while Brook worked to provide.
Her mother passed away quite suddenly. Even in the situation of having a parent ill with the knowledge of their lives coming to an end isn't easy, so to lose a parent quite suddenly is and immense shock to anyone's system.
She spoke of the ward members in her area and the judgements which were passed upon herself, her mother and her son.
In going through some difficulties about this time last year I turned to my bishop who gave me these instructions: "Let us love you. The Purpose of a ward and ward family is to love you, don't run away, let us love you."
I took him up on that offer. My congregation (ward) is PHENOMINAL and I invite anyone out there to come to provo and visit the GrandView 9th ward. I don't care who you are, what you look like and how you dress, you will not believe the warmth and love you feel in this congregation.
Brook at this most needed time in her life was not so lucky. The ward member's kicked in as dutiful little robots to carry out the much needed "funeral assignments." But without comfort and warmth in service, is it really service at all?
I imagine a congrete building with herself and her son looking at a wooden box in which her mother lies resting in peace. This woeden box, lying on top of a concrete slab.
The lighting is dim. The room, also concrete with concrete benches. No windows but a damp musty smell in the chilled air. So cool you can see your own breath. Resting on those concrete benches are Robots in varying shades of gray programmed to different assigned task. Upon finishing their task they walk up to Brook and her son and speak some choppy well programmed monotone condolence. While putting cold steel arms around her before turning their back and leaving.
This was the picture I recieve in my mind as she explained to me the feelings she had by a ward whose job is to Love her and her son. She met people she had never seen before and she has never seen since.
Where are home and visiting teachers during times such as these? I guess there was a Relief society member who took some effort to reach out to her and speak those famous words we Latter Day Saint's speak:
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
I'm not sure about the rest of you but I do tend to cringe when I hear these words. In my experience, most who same them, don't really mean them. I have great faith that my home teachers and visiting teachers mean them and I almost feel bad when I have to say to them,
"no, I think we're doing great but I'll let you know if something comes up."
Don't most of us know that we can sense a sincere offering and we can sense when an offering is out of obligation. In other words.... we KNOW when you meant it and when you don't.
When Brook was presented with those words: "Is there anything I can do for you?"
I'm sure the sister who asked was quite suprized when Brook had the audacity to let her know there was something they, the relief society sisters could do for her.
Her response was simple. It was easy. It was a opportunity for her to feel the love of God our father and In Christ our Lord. It was an opportunity for someone to reach out and serve and "do it unto the least of these..."
Brook said... "well can somebody teach me how to cook? I've never had to cook before my mom did all the cooking."
Such a simple request in a time where someone's world could be crumbling apart around them.
The response she recieve back pains my heart when I think of it.
Her relief society sister responded to her: "You may have to stock up on Hamburger Helper for a while."
My mouth dropped when she told me this. Tears formed in my eyes and my heart screamed at the disservice my sister had encountered.
This was Brooks final straw with her ward/congregaton.
It's been around a year I guess since this has happened. I must say in hearing her story a bit of shame came over me. One of the Saddest things about this earth is how we treat our brothers and sisters. How we make service a matter of OUR convenience instead of providing it when it is much needed by another.
Something as simple as passing on a recipe or spending a couple of hours a week with Brook could have completely changed some major things in her life and impacted her, her son and her life forever.
To tell ya the truth I wish I could find that Sister and give her an infamous V-8 moment. Because she missed the mark on that one
Our sister Brook was failed. That's the bottom line truth.
Brothers and Sisters take some time to seek out those who are in need of the Lords love and service in their lives and do what you can. It doesn't have to be some great thing. Something as simple as a hug. A 5 minute visit to someone not feeling well or having a hard time. This valentines day I rec'd a call from someone who is ill who had been thinking of me. She wanted me to know that if I needed some sweets she had a plateful of cookies on her table she was waiting to share. She called because she wanted to hear MY LAUGH on Valentines day. How AWESOME and amazing is she?
My grandma used to always say "The only hands the Lord has are yours." That's always stuck with me.
When you speak the words "is there anything I can do for you or call me if you need anything" make sure you mean it or just don't even let that lie out of your mouth.
Feel free to comment your favorite recipe for my friend brook who has come a long way in her cooking. I think it would be a great gesture of love!
And please.... we CAN do a little better than Hamburger helper, can't we?
Thursday, February 21, 2008
ROCKED AND ROLLED
With Easter a month away I and with a conversation held to today about religion and my belief in God the Eternal father and in his son Jesus Christ, I felt the need to "rebroadcast" this peom from my "floetry" blog.
Enjoy.
ROCKED AND ROLLED
Our father’s love
our spirits bought
he sent his son
to pay the cost.
The angels cheered
the angels sang
soon would come a king to reign
The Heaven’s rocked
and the heaven’s rolled
we found salvation for our soul
He grew to serve
Within the masses
Touching every life he passes
the sick he healed
the weary he held
picking up
all those who fell.
he walked the waters
the mountains move
evil departs when he comes through
the creatures hush
and elements silence
at the majesty of his excellence
he gathered all
no soul emitted
through him each one
would be acquitted
The Saints did sing
and the heaven’s roared
Cheering our Hero
for ever more
The hand of a baby
the hand of a son
outstretch to reach
everyone
they healed the sick
they carried the weak
they feed us the food
that we would seekt
hey clasped in prayert
hey bled in pain
then pierced with nails
they bled again.
His eye’s with sorry
then they raised
looking toward heaven,
he easily forgave
Born to die
so we could live
eternal life he came to give
Then Heaven’s rocked
and the Heaven’s rolled
we have salvation for our soul.
K.M.D © 12/4/2006
Enjoy.
ROCKED AND ROLLED
Our father’s love
our spirits bought
he sent his son
to pay the cost.
The angels cheered
the angels sang
soon would come a king to reign
The Heaven’s rocked
and the heaven’s rolled
we found salvation for our soul
He grew to serve
Within the masses
Touching every life he passes
the sick he healed
the weary he held
picking up
all those who fell.
he walked the waters
the mountains move
evil departs when he comes through
the creatures hush
and elements silence
at the majesty of his excellence
he gathered all
no soul emitted
through him each one
would be acquitted
The Saints did sing
and the heaven’s roared
Cheering our Hero
for ever more
The hand of a baby
the hand of a son
outstretch to reach
everyone
they healed the sick
they carried the weak
they feed us the food
that we would seekt
hey clasped in prayert
hey bled in pain
then pierced with nails
they bled again.
His eye’s with sorry
then they raised
looking toward heaven,
he easily forgave
Born to die
so we could live
eternal life he came to give
Then Heaven’s rocked
and the Heaven’s rolled
we have salvation for our soul.
K.M.D © 12/4/2006
Ghetto Blog! ;) More coming later
Here's a link to my latest blog on my other page! This experience was food for the soul
http://kaydeezplace.blogspot.com/
http://kaydeezplace.blogspot.com/
Monday, February 4, 2008
Can I Get A Witness?
This is a picture of the new first presidency Of the Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints.I've read the bio's of each of these men and have looked into their faces and their eyes. As I was doing so and overwhelming feeling of love washed over me for each of these men. I do not know them personally and have never held a conversation with any of them. However I know the feelings that washed over me could not become any stronger if I did know them personally. I know with the surety of the holy spirit bearing witness to me these men are truly men of God and and he is well pleased to have them leading his church.
I want my family, friends and the world to know that I have received a witness that Jesus Christ is at the head of our church. Thomas S. Monson is a Prophet of God in the same manor of
Moses
Abraham
Jesus Christ
Nephi
Alma
Moroni
Joseph Smith
Gordon B. Hinckley.
I know that The Lord loves his children the same yesterday, today and tomorrow and if he provided his children with a prophet to lead and guide them in ancient times, he has done the same for his children on the earth today.
I testify that Thomas S Monson, Henry B. Eyering and Deiter F. Uchtdorf are men of God and serve as a special witness to our Savior Jesus Christ. I support them and sustain them to the fullest extent.
OF this, I do believe and testify.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
The Heart Of A Servant.
A week ago today the earth lost one of it's great servants, but it gained another guardian angel.
President Gordon B Hinckley returned home to God the Father and was again rejoined with his beloved wife Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley.
As I watched the funeral yesterday it didn't really hit me until the camera panned the seats of the quarum of the 12. They showed President Monson, and then an empty chair and then President Eyering. The empty chair is what pricked my heart. Funny how it was an empty chair that gave me the reality slap?
President Hinckley indeed is a man who will be missed and we feel the loss deeply. However I am not so sad. Because I know he will live again. I know his great work is continueing on the other side. I know he was met by friends, colleagues, family and many others who's life he touched. I'm sure he's having a grand ole time.
I love President Hinckley because for me, he was the "Human" Prophet. He cracked jokes and laughed and shared very human and obtainable elements of his life with the world. He let the world know that it is ok to laugh, and joke and cry and have moments of weaknesses and faults. He humanized the LDS Faith in my opinion. For years we were looked at as a "OLD WHITE STAUNCH BORING SERIOUS RELIGION." I can imagine him at times saying to the brethern....
"don't be so stuffy, guys, laugh a little, lighten up, have some joy!'
That's exactly what he did.
He made being A member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints cool! And he opened the doors of our church and invited the world in while also inviting us to go out befriend the world. To recognize our differences and embrace the uniqueness of them. He reminded us that we do have much we can learn from others and to not be afraid of that, but to share our love of the Savior and the gospel with those around us and if nothing more, create a bond of respect in simply us all being children of God.
When I hear the quote:
"Live as though those who don't know God, may know of him because they know you"
I think of President Gordon B Hinckley. I feel as though I'm missing A Grandpa or a favorite uncle, he had such a way of bringing across a personal feeling of love and friendship even for those who have never met him.
I am grateful for his life and his service to the world and his love for all mankind.
In a time where the media focuses on wars, rumors of wars, bin ladens, political injustices, and those worldy things that focus on all that is wrong on the earth. I hope that we can take the light left behind from the heart of a servant and allow it to outshine the wickedness and create a fire within us all to focus on the love and the legacy left behind by President Gordon B Hinckley, Prophet of God.
Let us each try to:
Be Grateful
Be Smart
Be Involved
Be Clean
Be True
Be Positive
Be Humble
Be Still
Be Prayerful
Because we love him.
(cute news article below)
http://deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,695249735,00.html
President Gordon B Hinckley returned home to God the Father and was again rejoined with his beloved wife Sister Marjorie Pay Hinckley.
As I watched the funeral yesterday it didn't really hit me until the camera panned the seats of the quarum of the 12. They showed President Monson, and then an empty chair and then President Eyering. The empty chair is what pricked my heart. Funny how it was an empty chair that gave me the reality slap?
President Hinckley indeed is a man who will be missed and we feel the loss deeply. However I am not so sad. Because I know he will live again. I know his great work is continueing on the other side. I know he was met by friends, colleagues, family and many others who's life he touched. I'm sure he's having a grand ole time.
I love President Hinckley because for me, he was the "Human" Prophet. He cracked jokes and laughed and shared very human and obtainable elements of his life with the world. He let the world know that it is ok to laugh, and joke and cry and have moments of weaknesses and faults. He humanized the LDS Faith in my opinion. For years we were looked at as a "OLD WHITE STAUNCH BORING SERIOUS RELIGION." I can imagine him at times saying to the brethern....
"don't be so stuffy, guys, laugh a little, lighten up, have some joy!'
That's exactly what he did.
He made being A member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints cool! And he opened the doors of our church and invited the world in while also inviting us to go out befriend the world. To recognize our differences and embrace the uniqueness of them. He reminded us that we do have much we can learn from others and to not be afraid of that, but to share our love of the Savior and the gospel with those around us and if nothing more, create a bond of respect in simply us all being children of God.
When I hear the quote:
"Live as though those who don't know God, may know of him because they know you"
I think of President Gordon B Hinckley. I feel as though I'm missing A Grandpa or a favorite uncle, he had such a way of bringing across a personal feeling of love and friendship even for those who have never met him.
I am grateful for his life and his service to the world and his love for all mankind.
In a time where the media focuses on wars, rumors of wars, bin ladens, political injustices, and those worldy things that focus on all that is wrong on the earth. I hope that we can take the light left behind from the heart of a servant and allow it to outshine the wickedness and create a fire within us all to focus on the love and the legacy left behind by President Gordon B Hinckley, Prophet of God.
Let us each try to:
Be Grateful
Be Smart
Be Involved
Be Clean
Be True
Be Positive
Be Humble
Be Still
Be Prayerful
Because we love him.
(cute news article below)
http://deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,695249735,00.html
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Potato Soup & Little Debbies!
I went to dinner Tuesday night at one of my favorite families in my ward. I personally think they should adopt me, because I just love them as if they were blood.
Dinner with them was the perfect ending to a somewhat CUH-RAY-ZEE Day.
Minutes before heading over to dinner I rec'd a series of annoying calls from my sister's that left me frustrated and somewhat miffed, only find out they were getting information and had just paid off my car. What a wonderful suprize, it left me speechless, flabbergasted and in tears. I'm not usually speechless. But someone paying off my car..... yeah, I was not only speechless I almost passed out!
After the initial shock I was all sorts of giddy and hyper and I can't even describe it. The evens of the last month have been so awesome and overwhelming that my cup truly runneth over.
I went to dinner and when I was asked how things were going I couldn't help but share all the wonderful blessings that I have been graced with over the last month. It was as if I could not contain it. And it bubbled over onto them, they also could not contain it. It was such a great experience to have this family come to tears and fill the same chills and warmth I felt. It was such an amazing feeling! And I've been looking for ways to pass that feeling on to others.
Dinner was great! I'm not talking about just the meal. Although I'm for SURE getting that Cream of potato Soup Recipe! Who know you could have so much fun over Potato Soup and Little Debbies Oat meal cream cookies? The conversation and the people were more than anyone can ask for. We laughed and joked and even sang a little. When Grandma looked at everyone and said.... "its so good being with you tonite!" She was right. There is something to be said about the simplicity of just being in a room with good people, having good conversation, and talking about the good things in our lives. Sometimes we brush off things that are good because they aren't Great. The older I get the more I realize that those things that are just good are actually REALLY REALLY GREAT! I love how simply and comforting the evening was. And when I think of having a nice evening at home with friends and family, I'll forever think of Potato Soup and Little Debbies and the Wilcox's :)
Saturday, January 5, 2008
NO REGRETS 2008!
2008 is here and I'm excited. I'm excited because I feel I learned alot about myself last year and I'm ready to put what I learned into practice. Is is really possible for me to speak with the tongue of angels as Elder Jeffrey R. Holland encourages? Can I really claim those exceeding great and precious blessing Elder Spencer J. Condie mentioned? Yup, the answer is yes. I can because I have and I can because I have. So many wonderful things manifested themselves to me and I'm excited about them. I have been told by my current bishop that I have a purpose to testify of the Lord's grace and love. I believe that and I will do it. Just by being born we are entitled to and have Heavenly Father's Love. Most people cannot fathem that. God loves our beloved prophet Gordon B Hinckley, The President of the United states George "Dubyah" Bush, Kanye West, Lindsey Lohan, and little old Me just the same. He may have different levels of disappointments but his love for us is all the same. It's a wonderful thought!
I've bought into the Mormon Dream and that's my goal. I may NEVER achieve it or come close to it but that is the goal. I'm been having so much fun being LDS the last few months. I'm not sure how or even why but I love the teachings and the values it brings to my life. I love the service I'm rendered and the service I'm encouraged to give. I love the knowledge that just as The Lord provided his children of old with Prophets to lead and guide them, he would not leave his children of today without that same guidance. And because he is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow it only strengthens my knowledge of him Heavenly Father and belief in our prophet even more today. My Current ward is PHENOMINAL. My bishop told me when I was going through a hard time "come and let us love you. The purpose of a ward family is to love you. Let us love you." And they have. There were days when I felt so low I was on the verge of tears. No one knew what I was going through. But it was not uncommon for those around me to come up slip their arms around me and lte me know I am loved and they were happy to see me. often times I would simply lay my head on their shoulder and rest a while. No word needed. I challenge anyone to come to my ward and not feel welcomed. I don't believe it would happen.
I'm more ready to stay away from those things the bring dis ease into my life. I have dealt with some psycho people in last couple months. There is no room for that in my life. There's no need for that in my life. Any one who takes me off my goals, must go. It's that simple. Anyone who loves and respect me will encourage me to keep to my goals regardless of if they agree with them or not.
It is a good feeling to be around people I feel I can trust. It is a good feeling to be around people I can be myself with. It is a good feeling to know I am loved. It is a good feeling to be able to express such love.
Peace is a good feeling! Knowing you're doing the right things and God is pleased with you is good feeling. When God is please with you, everything you do is blessed. Everything you do flourishes. And the beauty and wonder of it is inclusive to everyone you love. It's some thing to always strive for.
I'm focusing on family. I had an amazing Christmas! And my family focused on a couple of other families. And in a way it was crazy because all the families together started focusing on each other. And when people asks us about our holidays we can't wait to tell them what we did and what we gave. None of us really talk about what we got because although we are grateful for ALL we rec'd. Our joy is aways in describing the faces and reactions of those we gave to. I MADE PEOPLE CRY! Usually that happens when I'm mean. My New Year's Eve was equally as wonderful.... and it was CUHRAYZEE! I kidnapped my friends kids for a New Year's Eve slumber party. Ok i'm just going to refer to them as my kid because in a way I feel like they are, I couldn't love them more if they were.
When New Years came I passed out notebooks to everyone and we sat down and wrote down goals we wanted to work on for 2008. They had to come up with 10 goals: 2 of them had to be family related and 2 of them had to be spiritually related. I was very impressed and proud of the goals everyone came up with.
Afterwards we all bundled up and went out side and took a short hike. We were close enough to a field that looks down over the Valley and directly across from us was the Jordon River Temple. There we stood in the freakin freezing cold. Our breaths surrounding us like a smokey fog. It was quiet.The lights were the city below were dancing as if to celebrate the New Year. I sort of looked around at everyone and everyone was smiling. 2007 had been so tough on all of us. Frankly I think we were just all glad to be closing the door on it. I believe it was the 14 year old who said.... "you know 2008 is already better."
"amen" I said... "Amen" We walked and laughed and sang until we started to burn in the cold then we went back into the house.
One of my goals was to try and have family prayer each night. I asked the other kids if they wanted to join us and they nodded! We all knelt in the living room and I said since it was my ideah, I'd say the prayer. Flashbacks of being 10 years old came to my mind. As a family we would kneel in prayer... and just before someone would get the giggles. Then we'd all get the giggles. This would last for about 20 minutes sometimes until a parent would get so exhasperated with our lack of control and anger would show up.
I took a deep breath to being and I busted up! Which in turn started everyone else into fits of gigles. About the 3rd time it happened it was the 6 year old who said... "HEY! We're trying to pray here!" Which in and of itself is funny! It worked, he jerked us back into reality and we were able to have family prayer. And the night carried on with the rest of it's fun events until we finally fell asleep about 7 am. It was awesome. The next day, awesome. I've never seen those kids laugh as much as I did during the holidays. It was heart warming. I wanted to find way for it to happen even more for 2008.
I've alot to look forward to this year. I don't intend on letting too much get in the way of how great of a year I'm planning on having. 2008 is a psycho free zone!
Lets have many great adventures this year!
I've bought into the Mormon Dream and that's my goal. I may NEVER achieve it or come close to it but that is the goal. I'm been having so much fun being LDS the last few months. I'm not sure how or even why but I love the teachings and the values it brings to my life. I love the service I'm rendered and the service I'm encouraged to give. I love the knowledge that just as The Lord provided his children of old with Prophets to lead and guide them, he would not leave his children of today without that same guidance. And because he is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow it only strengthens my knowledge of him Heavenly Father and belief in our prophet even more today. My Current ward is PHENOMINAL. My bishop told me when I was going through a hard time "come and let us love you. The purpose of a ward family is to love you. Let us love you." And they have. There were days when I felt so low I was on the verge of tears. No one knew what I was going through. But it was not uncommon for those around me to come up slip their arms around me and lte me know I am loved and they were happy to see me. often times I would simply lay my head on their shoulder and rest a while. No word needed. I challenge anyone to come to my ward and not feel welcomed. I don't believe it would happen.
I'm more ready to stay away from those things the bring dis ease into my life. I have dealt with some psycho people in last couple months. There is no room for that in my life. There's no need for that in my life. Any one who takes me off my goals, must go. It's that simple. Anyone who loves and respect me will encourage me to keep to my goals regardless of if they agree with them or not.
It is a good feeling to be around people I feel I can trust. It is a good feeling to be around people I can be myself with. It is a good feeling to know I am loved. It is a good feeling to be able to express such love.
Peace is a good feeling! Knowing you're doing the right things and God is pleased with you is good feeling. When God is please with you, everything you do is blessed. Everything you do flourishes. And the beauty and wonder of it is inclusive to everyone you love. It's some thing to always strive for.
I'm focusing on family. I had an amazing Christmas! And my family focused on a couple of other families. And in a way it was crazy because all the families together started focusing on each other. And when people asks us about our holidays we can't wait to tell them what we did and what we gave. None of us really talk about what we got because although we are grateful for ALL we rec'd. Our joy is aways in describing the faces and reactions of those we gave to. I MADE PEOPLE CRY! Usually that happens when I'm mean. My New Year's Eve was equally as wonderful.... and it was CUHRAYZEE! I kidnapped my friends kids for a New Year's Eve slumber party. Ok i'm just going to refer to them as my kid because in a way I feel like they are, I couldn't love them more if they were.
When New Years came I passed out notebooks to everyone and we sat down and wrote down goals we wanted to work on for 2008. They had to come up with 10 goals: 2 of them had to be family related and 2 of them had to be spiritually related. I was very impressed and proud of the goals everyone came up with.
Afterwards we all bundled up and went out side and took a short hike. We were close enough to a field that looks down over the Valley and directly across from us was the Jordon River Temple. There we stood in the freakin freezing cold. Our breaths surrounding us like a smokey fog. It was quiet.The lights were the city below were dancing as if to celebrate the New Year. I sort of looked around at everyone and everyone was smiling. 2007 had been so tough on all of us. Frankly I think we were just all glad to be closing the door on it. I believe it was the 14 year old who said.... "you know 2008 is already better."
"amen" I said... "Amen" We walked and laughed and sang until we started to burn in the cold then we went back into the house.
One of my goals was to try and have family prayer each night. I asked the other kids if they wanted to join us and they nodded! We all knelt in the living room and I said since it was my ideah, I'd say the prayer. Flashbacks of being 10 years old came to my mind. As a family we would kneel in prayer... and just before someone would get the giggles. Then we'd all get the giggles. This would last for about 20 minutes sometimes until a parent would get so exhasperated with our lack of control and anger would show up.
I took a deep breath to being and I busted up! Which in turn started everyone else into fits of gigles. About the 3rd time it happened it was the 6 year old who said... "HEY! We're trying to pray here!" Which in and of itself is funny! It worked, he jerked us back into reality and we were able to have family prayer. And the night carried on with the rest of it's fun events until we finally fell asleep about 7 am. It was awesome. The next day, awesome. I've never seen those kids laugh as much as I did during the holidays. It was heart warming. I wanted to find way for it to happen even more for 2008.
I've alot to look forward to this year. I don't intend on letting too much get in the way of how great of a year I'm planning on having. 2008 is a psycho free zone!
Lets have many great adventures this year!
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Big Brother, Little Sister Moments
Hand in Hand
*sigh*
I earned some temporary wings!