Friday, June 10, 2011
It's that time of year! We're running into my goofy,crazy,koo-koo season. Since 2008 each June and July has been a tough time for me. Whether I like it or not my Mind and body react to a couple of trauma's that happened during these months. It officially started last Tuesday when I found myself in my car 10:00 at night crying uncontrollably and driving around with no particular destination in mind. It's fascinating the physical signs of a relapse: My vision gets cloudy and everything looks overcast. I get nauseated, no appetite, very sleepy. When I say very tired I mean as I laid my head down on the table while out to lunch with a friend and went to sleep while she was talking to me. Because I will sleep for hours my sleeping patterns are off. Monday, Tues and Wed of this week I came home from work at 5:00pm was sleep by 6:00pm. woke up around 11pm. had some dinner, stayed up til 4:00am. Slept til 7:00am and was at work by 8:30am. I also know during this time I get up in the middle of the night and cook. I'm supposed to do things to reiterate feeling happy, comfortable, joyful and so on. I love to cook, so I cook. I watch old funny movies that make me laugh and feel good. I sleep. I sleep and I sleep. It's a process. This can happen several times during these 2 months or just once. I don't know. But I do know how to deal with it. I keep things low stress, low key and it's all about me during these times. I do what makes me happy during that time and it's all about me!
I had a break down in a favorite grocery store a couple of years ago. I made myself go back to that store and recreate the experience so it didn't become connected to the trauma part of it all. Each year that rolls along will put less significance into the situation. Time will eventually heal and my body and mind will eventually put less importance on this "anniversary."
Starting this year, I've put myself on a 5 year program! For at least the next 5 years I'm taking the "anniversary" date of the incident off of work and Im going to Re-create an AWESOME TIME for myself so that as this time rolls around each year I'll have that experience to draw back on instead of the trauma. And then every week or two until after those crazy dates, I'll do the same. Create absolutely brilliant experience to draw back on. It doesn't have to be something HUGE and expensive, but something meaningful and pleasing. As these events being to fill my life there will be less time for the remembrance of the trauma.
That being said. next weekend will be a 4 day weekend. I'm going somewhere and doing something.
Oh... my blog title! In the last 3 years I've cried, I've been frozen scared to the point of not being able to move. I've been ill, 6 months of my memory is gone, and it's hard for me to remember things. It's hard for me to go certain places that I need to be. Some places I still avoid most of the time.
Sounds like hell doesn't it? I spent time feeling trapped and a prisoner in my own home
Let me tell you something: In all the hell I've gone through, the hours of tears, fears and other crap-o-la that comes with having this life interruption, not once did I ever feel abandoned or alone. I never felt I couldn't get through it. I never felt I would be stuck in a deep dark depressing hole. I always knew and still know that this experience, no matter how long it lasts will not ruin or prevent me from living a great and fabulous life! Each time I felt broken or as if I were falling apart I felt the comfort of my Savior Jesus Christ and the Love of God our Heavenly Father. Each time something new came up I had the strength and desire to do what it takes to get through it for the most part. When I called upon the Heaven's for help it came readily, and abundantly and reassuringly letting me know that no matter where I was, I would be met with what I need. And after 3 years I've been met with what I need.
So I guess my point is I'm not waiting for life to be all roses and chocolate to let everyone know that Heavenly Father and his blessings and protection are real. We go through things and sometimes question why and get angry at the Lord for allowing things to happen. But men and women have morals that govern our actions. Our greatest gift if our agency which was never free. If God were to take this away from man then he would cease to be God. Obstacles are placed in our lives and we either learn to use those obstacles as stepping stones or we trip over them and complain more about it which gets us no where.
Where you are falling about and feeling broken, Just remember your G.L.U.E: God Loves Us Eternally!!!