National Come Back To Church Day

***A LITTLE BACK HISTORY***

I've talked a few times before about living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder aka PTSD. It comes from living through a trauma  and various things can contribute to triggering your body and mine to feel as if it's going through the trauma all over again. In the military is used to known as SHELL SHOCK, however it happens to many people outside of the military as well. To make a long story short, I'll just speak in generalities.
       My trauma  came to a head June 20 2008. The next day I had the breakdown in a leadership meeting at one of the local ward houses. About month later the bishop who took me in, got me the help I needed, checked up to make sure I had access to the people, resources and tools I needed, took his own life behind our home ward building.  This added another layer to the disorder.  Because I'm necrophobic. I have a hard time dealing or seeing  the body of a person after their spirit had departed. A couple of months after that one of the women I visit taught had a family member committed suicide. Needless to say I lost a huge block of life between June 2008 and now.  The things that trigger and relapse me back into PTSD:  Older White Males (ESPECIALLY in Suites or business attire) The Month Of June, and Church Buildings.  

Some of  the physical effects of PTSD:



Nausea, blurred or foggy vision, sweats, rapid breathing & heart beat, over anxiousness, nervousness, body aches, forgetfulness, unclear thinking.  I go through the first 5 of these when I go to church.  The symptoms don't last just a few hours. They last for days at a time. Even writing and talking about it brings on the physical and emotional repercussions of the issue.

 However, telling your story helps to heal you and it helps to heal other people..


Now On with the Show!

   Today, Sunday September 15,2013 is National Come Back To Church Day!

 I've been on Hiatus Off and on for 5 years (Since  6/23/2008.) Sometimes I've been every week for several months in a row and  sometimes I've not been in over a year. Sometimes I got to different wards other than my own. I've moved 3 times. The last time I moved I purchased a Condo cuz I got sick of moving. My Sister moved in with me and she is currently the Primary President in our ward.
 Today was my first time in our ward.  I've been psyching myself up for WEEKS to make sure I'm in the state of mind to make it to church today. I was actually going to go last week because it was stake conference and I would be a little less "zoomed in on" and could disappear into the crowd. Well, I mean as much as a black member in a predominantly  white congregation can "blend."  I would probably make more of an attempt in the passed to make into the building but being black and LDS we are those rare Pearls of Great Price


and being "Incognegro" in Utah is a chore.

 When I got up this morning the Nausea wasn't so bad.  I made sure to eat something just in case.
   About an hour before church I started getting dressed.  I was talking to my sister about our puppy Jake Dude-Action not getting to the dog park enough so I'm sure she thought I was getting ready to take him to the park.   Being Primary Prez she took off before I was dressed.
   I got dressed, threw on some make up. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and took a deep breath. The nausea set in so quickly so I ran and found a piece of peppermint gum. (The times I do go to church I take mints. Most of the time it keeps my stomach soothed enough to keep e from vomiting at church.)
   I went back to the mirror and gave myself  "THE TALK:"
You are safe.  You have the knowledge to take charge of any situation. You have the tools to cope with whatever comes your way. No matter the outcome of your experience take pride in knowing you made the steps to break down another wall.  NOW GO, YOU"RE LATE!"


I put a smile on my face, grabbed my purse and scriptures and out the door I went.
  The Relief Society Presidency can to visit with my sister abt 7 months ago when she left the singles ward and started going to our family ward.  I spoke with them about my situation and they were very understanding and compassionate to my situation. I wondered how they would handle the situation  A couple of weeks after their visit I got a call from a Visiting Teaching companion I didn't know that I had. It was actually a bit too much not having stepped foot in the ward building or knowing anyone from the ward. I felt a little bit like Katniss at the reaping in hunger games just expected to do what I was told or called to do. This didn't work for me and I silently protested by not accepting the calling.

    The goal was to attend 1 hours of church. The reason I'm going with 1 hour for now is because when I go for more than that, which I have before, I get SO sick that it's that sick feeling that I'm stuck with each week. It's not how I want to remember each Sunday. When I do 1 hour I leave just as I being to feel ill but it doesn't over power the great things about being there for 1 hour.  Thank goodness our first hour is Relief Society.  A sorority of Sisters, THANK GOODNESS!!!
 
 I accomplished my goal. And it felt good. It's 6 hours later and I'm still nauseated, but it's not so overwhelming that I'm fixated over it. It should subside about Wednesday, just in time to start pumping myself up for next Sunday.
    It sounds bad, having to pump myself up for church.  Those looking for ways to bash our church, any church or organized religion in general will jump all over that. Meh, find something better and worth while to do. Because for a while I had to make the same kind of baby step goals just to get out of bed in the morning. In the early weeks of the breakdown I couldn't even step out of the house to get the mail.  I had goals that were just to get out of bed and eat. Then get out of bed,  shower and get dressed and eat. I freaked out on the Greeter at a Walmart 2 weeks after the initial break down.  So I've come a long way, baby!
       I know I've build up a safe little community with walls a mile thick. 5 years later only certain people are allowed into that community.  People have taken it upon themselves to "help"  break down my walls. Perhaps in other situations help is needed and welcome and expected.  PTSD is so delicate. Many of us don't need the attention or the focus on us. This is one wall I need to being to break down myself and if others try to do it, it leaves me exposed.  We need to talk about it when we're ready to talk about it and step back out into the world when we're ready to.  For some it's easy for others it's a prison.

  Part of the issue with me going to church is having to explain the issue. Telling the details of the story and triggers is sometimes a trigger itself.  I felt my Relief Society President and my Bishopric needed to know. They need to know why a male home teachers would probably not get into my home. Or if the Bishopric just shows up why they aren't getting in my home.

Telling the story causes your mind and body to go back through the actual events of the trauma. Even though it's a healthy thing and needed thing, you have to go through all the coping skills for days sometimes weeks to feel safe and secure again.  The more you do it the easier it gets  So I know the more I make these goals the better it will.  One truly never is healed from PTSD  our coping skills just strengthen.   In my situation the very people and place most turn to happens to make me sick.
    I have to laugh at the situation sometimes because in reality CHURCH MAKES ME SICK!!


    One of the most priceless things about today was the look on my sister's face when she  happen to look out in the foyer and saw me standing there waiving at her and making funny faces. SURPRISE!!  She came out and greeted me and walked me too Relief Society. She didn't need to. I didn't particularly want her to but I got the feeling that she needed to do it more than i needed her to.

The Relief Society President was pleasantly surprised and she did come and speak with me after.  She address the Visiting Teaching situation and apologized for assuming I was willing and ready to be a visiting teaching with where I'm at. She was gracious and apologetic. Everything she should have been and that will help a great deal in my comfort level of being IN the building.  

 For the most part I'm feeling accomplished.
 I'm grateful for having access to all the learning materials and lessons online. The church is brilliant that way for those of us who can't or are unwilling to get to an actual building and deal with the members, because lets be honest, there are times when we love the church and hate the members in it and some days it's the opposite. One thing I've learned from this is you can never judge a person as to why they do or do not attend church meetings. If our goal is Zion, Zion has to be born internally in our hearts and minds before it can be achieved externally.  Be kind to those who come back to church. Don't be over bearing. A smile and a hand shake is just enough. Some people need to be zero'd in on and others just need space to get used to the atmosphere and marinate for a while to get comfortable.  Take ques from them and don't be afraid to offer what you think may be needed. Always offer. .What they do with that offering is up to them. Some will use it, some will not. If you offer be genuine and you better make time and effort to fulfill your offering.  Things I mostly don't like are when people are so quick with their mouths to offer time, talent and service and then 95% of the time have some excuse or crisis as to why they can't fulfill their own offer. If you don't mean it don't say it.  Don't let your mouth write checks that the rest of you aren't willing to cash.

I'm thankful for National Come back to Church day. It game me more of a goal and a kick start to something I wanted to do but wasn't quite sure of doing.   I hope that next year those who are looking for a way to go back to church, Whichever church that may be, that they take the opportunity to use National Come Back To Church as a guiding tool if you need to. 

STINK...STANK....STUNK!

A friend posed this question today: "Who is the Grinch in your life this year?" So I got to thinking... "YEAH!Who IS the Grinch in my life this year?" I got to thinking of the people around me and the complaining and bitching and drama I get to observe every day. For the most part I'm used to it but then a nagging little voice in my head broke through and chimed in: I'm the Grinch in my life this year. I've been told I've been a little bitchy since about Thanksgiving. I can't even deny it. I've been edgy irritable and a little sad. The Season started off with a broken foot and a death. And the frustration of not being able to get my mail key after, Oh let's see we're goin on 2 months now. I truck up the post office about twice a week to get all of my "time sensitive" mail. I couldn't get to the post office very often the 3 weeks my foot was in the boot. So I missed a few deadlines when it came to some home warranty extensions and those kinds of things. My old appartment complex is pimping me for $500 because they decided it was time to change the carpet in the apt I moved out of and claims there were stains they couldn't get out. Both stains were powder. yeah, that's right POWDER. Powder I was able to vacuum and get out myself a couple other times I spilled while living there. Then 2 Saturday's ago I had 2 flat times. TWO. So I'm feeling a little picked on lately. I know it's just my turn and we all go through stuff.


And there really is no one to blame. With buying a new house, and my car going on the fritz every other month and now the latest events I'm emotionally and mentally spent. I've used my reserves and just felt like I haven't had time to renew. This is an excellent recipe for Grinch Casserole. I've been trying to do little things here and there and they do help but only just a little. My mind is telling me if I want little results to make little attempts. So I think I need to make greater attempts to get greater results.

Today is December 22. I've got 3 days to ungrinch myself. And I know what I have to do to get rid of this Stink, Stank, Stunk feeling. Take a quick look around yourself for that Grinchy person in your life this year. If you can't find them, check out the mirror. If you're grabbing for the razor to shave off that green 5'o clock shadow... have a
MERRY

Why I Don't Mind Saying HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I've seen it quite a bit lately: "returning to the traditional greeting of "Merry Christmas" instead of the politically correct "Happy Holidays". Or "Because I am CHRISTian, I'm going to have a merry CHRISTmas." REALLY PEOPLE? The HOLIDAY SEASON starts At Thanksgiving and ends after the first week of January. And if we are to love one another as God loves us, wouldn't that include those who believe differently than ourselves?

I am Christian. YES, Mormon's aka LDS/Latter Day Saints are Christians.


But I also love the story of Hanukkah. I bet most people don't know what Hanukkah is and why it's celebrated. Hanukkah means "DEDICATION." It serves as a reminder of how Jewish resistance claimed back their temple from Syrian-Greeks who declared the observance of Judaism an offense punishable by death. They forced the Jewish to eat pork and bow down and worship their Greek Gods or be put to death. After much death Jewish resistance began in the village and eventually The Jewish people were victorious. They reclaimed their temple and rededicated it to the God we all worship today.

The name Hanukkah reminds us that this holiday commemorates the re-dedication of the holy Temple in Jerusalem following the Jewish victory over the Syrian-Greeks.

Jewish troops were determined to purify the Temple by burning ritual oil in the Temple’s menorah for eight days. But there was only one day's worth of oil. They lit up anyway and the miracle is the oil lasted Eight full days.

It is celebrated with a Festival of lights or the Lighting of the Menorah.
Some of their Traditions are quite fun. One tradition I can truly bet into is the tradition of eating fried foods:

Latkes, are pancakes made out of potatoes and onions, which are fried in oil.



Or Fried Donuts dusted in powdered Sugar.


I would not think to discount, discredit or disrespect this Holiday. To do so would defile the sacredness of their beliefs and also the beliefs of Jesus Christ, who was a Jew as well.

Kwanzaa was not meant to be an ALTERNATIVE to Christmas as first believed. Kwanzaa is a Celebration of Family, Community, and Culture. Therefore it is not a religious holiday, but more of a cultural recognition.
There are 7 Principle to African Heritage which are really quite beautiful once you understand them.


Umoja meaning UNITY: To strive for and to maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

Kujichagulia meaning SELF-DETERMINATION: To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves stand up

.
Ujima meaning COLLECTIVE WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY: To build and maintain our community together and make our brothers' and sisters' problems our problems, and to solve them together.

Ujamaa meaning FAMILY: The belief in family and general communal understanding.

Nia meaning PURPOSE: To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

Kuumba meaning CREATIVITY: To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Imani meaning FAITH: To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.
Part of the Kwanzaa celebration entails the displaying of the symbols:
A mat, 1 ear of corn for each child, the kinara that holds the 7 candles that represent the seven principles, fruits, nuts and vegetables that nourished the people of Africa, a unity cup shared by those who are celebrating and gifts.



The gifts should be traditionally cultural, hand made and educational. Given typically January 1st. The celebratory Colors of this Holiday are green, black and red. Green is for the fertile land of Africa; black is for the color of the people; and red is the for the blood that is shed in the struggle for freedom.


The foods enjoyed at the Kuramu are Sweet potatoes, collard greens, various nuts. Wild Turkey or chicken.


Why on earth would I not appreciate or respect anyone, regardless of culture, color or race who wants to focus on and represent the 7 principles of African Heritage?

You don't have to be Black to implement some of these things into your own lives. Just like Celebrating the Miracle of one days worth of oil burning for 8 days.

I find it funny that more people find offense in the Saying of "HAPPY HOLIDAY" than they do with the commercialism. What would the holidays really be like if we spent even half of the time we Shop for learning about the life of Jesus and not just his birth? What if we took one Christmas every two or three years, didn't purchase gifts for our families, and spent the holidays volunteering at shelter feeding the hungry and homeless, or donating the hundreds of dollars we spend on each other to a worthy community cause? What if, instead of buying gift for the family, we spent the year learning what Jesus is all about and then practiced it with our families. In the long run that's really the gifts Jesus asks of us. I've heard parents say..."Well I have to give them something under the tree!" I say WHY? Because they'll be disappointed if not? Because they'll cry and not have anything to show their friends? SO WHAT? It's ONE Christmas out of dozens they will most likely have. Use that time to teach them about real gifts of the world: Food, Shelter, Clothing. Sharing with others who won't have anything. I promise you it will only take a couple of these Christmas's for them to GET IT. And it will cut down generations of overspending for the holidays just to give and get tangible gift that will only be taken for granted, forgotten about, lost, broken, or to have more accessories that need to be purchased.
There's a Reason My Favorite Christmas Carol is "WHAT CHILD IS THIS?"


IF someone were to ask you about baby Jesus, "WHAT CHILD IS THIS?" How would you answer them?
Before you go around Saying... "I'm a Christian. I believe in Christ, so I'm just gonna say "MERRY CHRISTMAS." Spend some time learning about the Life of Christ. Saying Merry Christmas is not what makes you Christian. The way we act and treat each other is what will inevitably reveal us at Christians. I really don't think GOD or JESUS CHRIST care if we it or Happy Holidays. I do think it matters if we claim to be something we have no idea how to be it.
Really think about what you want your families to get out of this time of year. Then spend next year teaching and living it so they will be prepared to be Christlike next holiday season.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Saying Merry Christmas. Or Happy Hanukkah. OR Happy Kwanzaa or any of the other greetings we hear this time of year. Just know when I Say HAPPY HOLIDAYS, I'm speaking of all that is Good and Holy this time of year regardless of religion, culture etc.

From My Home To Yours.. HAPPY HOLY-DAYS!

When Hell Freezes over...Go Figure Skating!

Last Thursday April 29 2010 was hell. I moved into a new apt. Most of the folks who were supposed to help were unable because of a family emergencies, or "whatever" else was going on. I woke up and sat in my living room surrounded by boxes, empty book shelves, and other various items needing to be moved. The thought that ran through my mind: THIS IS HELL!


I was already miserable, achy from the cold wet weather. I needed to get to the new place, do a final walk though, pay the rent, get the keys, do move in cleaning before I could even start to move in. I was up WAY too early and already so tired. The day was already doomed from the start.
Got myself dressed and ready to go took care of the "move in preliminaries" and headed back to start moving myself in. My car can only hold 6 boxes at a time and a hamper or two in the front seat. Good thing I took 2 days off work and had the weekend to get all moved in the new place and all moved out of the old place. I would need all that time at this rate.
I gotta tell ya, I was PISSED OFF! Recalled in my mind all the times I helped others move. All of the times I received some random call to come to this event or that event to give moral or visual support to a stranger or neighbor or ward member.
I got to thinking Wow, I'm the compassionate service person and not once have I been able to round up compassionate service for myself when needed. The more I thought about it... the more upset I got.
I turned that anger to energy. I started hauling boxes to my car. Drove the 1.7 miles to the new place, and one by one unloaded boxes and walked them up the 2nd floor to my new place. After unloading the boxes into the at, I would go back to the are, drive the 1.7 miles back to the old place and load up again. It was going to be a long day.
By 11:00 am I had only done 2 trips AND it was snowing like Christmas time. There was more than an inch of snow on the ground. HELL DONE FROZE OVER FOREAL.


Each snow flake reminded me of the flakey people in my life who show up when they need something and disappear in my time of need. Each time I lifted another box and tracked it out to the car I vowed I was done helping others. Done going that extra mile. Done rushing to the aide of everyone else. I was cold. Wet, tired, sore, miserable.
for the next 2 hours I loaded my car drove to the new place, unloaded boxes and hauled them up to the new place. The harder I worked the more it snowed. Talk about insult to injury.
Finally exasperated I gritted my teeth and seethed out "can it get any worse than this!!!!!???"
I heard a voice inside me say... "absolutely it can get worse!"
I remembered something I heard a few years ago and it becomes life altering each time I recall it: At any second in time you can start your day over. It's a choice that is completely within your power. You may not be able to change the events that will happen throughout the day. But maybe you can. You may not be able to change what others may do to you throughout the day. But maybe you can.
I thought for a few moments after remembering I can start my day over at anytime.

This would be a prime opportunity to stay angry and upset ESP at those "friends" who never give and always take. It would be a prime time to light into those who disappear when there's a need and then show up afterwards claiming they "didn't know" there was a need or "just got the message" when the hard part done or "feeling better" and can drop by tomorrow.
I could make a choice to stay angry and "wo is me." I'm don't know about you but "WO IS ME" makes for a long day and some bad company.
I loaded the last box from my car and to the 2nd floor and stepped outside into the snow headed to the old place to bring over some more boxes.
I decided... Doggone it since it looks and feels like Christmas, I'ma sing me some Carols.
The DJ in my head put on "Walkin in a Winter Wonderland." I smirked at "in the meadow we can build a snowman..." I had made the decision to start my day over.
I drove the 1.7 miles to the old place, walked the 18 paces from my car to the old apt still singing my Christmas Carols. I picked up a box stepped outside and the sun was shining for the first time that day, the snow had stopped.

I looked up at the sky...
"Really, Lord?? Really?" I smiled and said,
"I guess we're rolling in sunshine now, I can work wit dat!"
The DJ in my head changed the song to:

"We'll Sing in the Sunshine! We'll Laugh in the rain...."
I kept going until I was too tired to go up or down anymore stairs. So I began to unpack the boxes in the new place and put things away until I regained the energy to start moving again.
Finally @ about 3pm, I just couldn't do it anymore. Went back to the old place and just as I layed on my bed to have a rest the phone rang. It was my sister calling to see how things were going.
This provided me with the perfect opportunity to "wo is me!"
Meh, why bother? She asked questions, I answered them honestly.
"Who ya got helping you?"
"OH 3 people showed up, Me, Myself and I!"
"Where are all those who were going to help?"
" That's a great question!" I answered again.
"Seriously? just you? Are you kidding me? Did you let Genesis know?"
"yes I did."
"what happened to so and so?"
"don't know."
"I can be there about 6. I'll bring so and so... and so and so can't make it today but can make it Saturday."
" That's cool I said. Except I wont need any help Saturday, I'll be done by tomorrow."
I looked around and had ended up accomplishing so much that I really would be done a day earlier than expected.
I told her I needed to go "do what I do" and basically took a 2 hour nap.
A much needed, well deserved 2 hour nap.

When my sister and our friend arrived about 6:30pm We loaded my car and my sister's. made 2 trips and every thing except the couch, love seat, chair, my bedroom suite and the outside storage was done.
They thought me being done the next day was "a little ambitious" until they came and saw how much I had done through out the day.
When I had energy I lugged boxes. When I was tired I unloaded boxes or did check out cleaning. It was hard and tiring but it worked. And it worked better with a better attitude.
The anger and disappointment at my flaky friends melted away with the snow. They are who they are and I know who I can count on for what. To expect anything more that what I already know and have experienced about them really was my own fault. I know that for me, I must ALWAYS give them the opportunity to come through. It's always a disappointment and disheartening when they don't but I guess part of BEING a good friend is always giving them that chance. It's frustrating. But it's the right thing to do most of the time.
Ok, back to me!
I learned another very important lesson again. I like how we are given opportunities to re-learn values if we take those opportunities.
"DON'T LET WHAT YOU CAN'T DO STOP WHAT YOU CAN DO!"

I see this in so many people I know. There are the same people who ask...
"what more could I do?"
while sitting on their butts. I'd like to shake them and say..
"of all the things in the world you can do to get steps closer to what you want to do... you can't think of ONE MORE thing?" There's always ONE MORE THING you can do. ALWAYS!
These are the same people living in their glory days of high school and talking about "when I get this" or "when I do that..." not realizing that they really cold have had it already had they worked toward it.

I'm grateful I can start my day over at any second I decide to. I'm grateful I have it in me to NOT let what I can't do stop what I can do.
When hell freezes over what do you do? Go Figure Skating!

A Year With NO Regrets!

A Year With No Regrets!
Years ago I started to create themes to live by instead of resolutions. The theme Theory has done me well. I find a theme that seems timely and work it. I create smaller goals to help me live by that theme so that at the end of the year I can stand in the mirror on New Year's Eve head held high and pronounce that I have lived it to the best of my ability.
In the year 2000 my theme was "NO REGRETS!" It turned out to be an Amazing year. I have decided to reinstate my "NO REGRETS" theme this year! On New Years Eve 2010 I will look at my self in the mirror and say " I did everything I should have and lived how I was supposed to, therefore I have NO Regrets"

My goals for a y ear of No Regrets:

I will become a personalize friend again.
I will pick up the phone and call so there is a warm voice to my communications. So others will "hear" the concern, love, anger, peace and friendship in my voice and not have to speculate how I feel. I will not leave anything open to misunderstanding. IT's happened too many times via Text, email, I/M etc.


I will find ME again.
I feel as if I were robbed 2008/2009. My memory is shot. My anxiety is still very heightened. And I've lost interest in most people and things. My home has become my hideout with a secret knock and all for me to open the door. Those who really know me, know who I used to be before June 2008 happened. That person may be gone forever, but I'm going to find some of her again, I MISS HER. And I miss me!

I will start to be social again. I'm only dealing with certain people for certain reasons. There people are my crutch, my safety net, and my comfort zone. It's been 18 months sense the crap hit the fan and it's time to reintroduce myself to the world and trust humans again.

I will create Pleasant memories and situations
. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder robs a person of alot of things. You don't really ever get over it, you learn to live better with it. I'm still learning to live better with it. I know I need to back track to some places I don't want to go and RECREATE pleasant memories to overpower the one's that keep me away from certain places and people. I am already and will create those joyful, happy memories to replace the one's that haunt me.

I will not hold any grudges or dwell on negative concerns. If i have a problem with someone or something I will give myself 2 weeks to confront the situation and resolve it or I will leave it alone, not dwell on it and bury it for good.

I will be a healthier person.
Becoming more active ESPECIALLY in the beautiful state of Utah. So much to explore and see here.
I will join a sport team. I will sit and watch tv less and get up and move more. I will cut down carbonated drinks. I will incorporate more Protein, fiber, fruits and vegetables and cut down on starch, carbs and refined sugars.

I will become more mentally healthy by reading more. I will read at least an hour of something each day before turning on a TV or computer screen for entertainment.

I will become more spiritually Healthy by Listening For Heavenly Father's Answers as much as asking to Heavenly Father for help. I will read and study words on a regular basis, speak more kindness to his children, and serve him and my community better.

I will take 1 day each month for myself: Road trip. Movie. Pedicure. Spa. Hike. Theater. Whatever I need to do to rejuvenate and enjoy who I am becoming.

I will stay in contact with as much family as I can. Aside from my Parents, Siblings and Daughter, I don't know my family as well as I should, nor do I keep up with them as I'd like. Today, it begins.. reconnecting with the family that is on Earth with me or who have passed and are still watching over me.

I will become better Educated. I might go back to school. But I will become more educated about Finances, Politics, Health, Environment, Social Situations. IM going to become familiar with my neighbors and community and be an active force in making where I am a better place to be.

R.A.K I'm reinstating doing Random Acts Of Kindness again. And no there's not a list you can be on. So don't be calling me each month asking if I've done my Random act of Kindness for the month and asking me to come clean your house if I haven't!


I'm going to learn how to say "NO!" No more letting the drama of others invade my space. PTSD has taught me how to stop the stress in the lives of others from invading my life. I NEED to continue to do this.

I will cultivate the relationships I want to enjoy more and not those that are pushed and pawned upon me.

I"m going to laugh more at myself. I have to. I forget so much and have done some really kooky things. It used to upset me, now I just shrug and say "oh well, that's the person I happen to be right now."

I will make YOU smile more! Haven't figured a goal for this one yet, but I'll make it up as we go along!

I'm going to Love and accept people AS/IS.
When I recognize who you really are, I will either accept it and keep you around or accept it and keep you at a distance. I WILL NOT try and change you, or point out your faults and mistakes because I know I am flawed. You have the right to be exactly who you are and want to be. I have the right to either keep you close in my life or at a distance. I only request the same respect from you. DEAL?

*when someone shows you who they truly are... BELIEVE THEM*

If I sway from my goals I will speedily get back on track and not just say "OH WELL, I BLEW IT" cuz that's a lazy cowards way out. To say "I messed up" and not get back on track is not who I want to be.


I Will Live 2010 with NO regrets. I invite you to do the same!