Saturday, October 30, 2010
A few weeks ago I was with a couple of friends and we were looking for something to do to pass away the evening. There were many choices in the location we were in: Piano Bar, Karaoke, Disco, Movie, Stage show, Comedian. We went to the Piano bar and despite our efforts to liven things up, it was lame. So we went to the Karaoke bar. That was fun for a while until the same chick kept getting up with more of a desire to "show off" her talent then that got boring. The Comedy Show was going to be starting in a few minute. I had no desire and didn't even consider it an option because after a certain time the shows are listed as being Rated R. I assumed the others would feel the same way.
It was then suggest to go to the comedy show. I raised my eyebrow and said "Really?"
"Yeah, lets go check it out."
I hesitated and then agreed. We settled into our spots and the one who suggested it ran really quick to the rest room. The other friends said... "she does realize it's a Rated R show, doesn't she?"
I nodded "yeah, she knows."
I suggested she and I switch places "in case I want to leave the show early."
So we switched places.
I'm sad to say that was one of the only good judgement call I used in that situation.
After a few moments the show began. Within about 10 minutes I found myself starting to shake and tear up and it was starting to be difficult to catch my breath.
I recognized that I was going into a Post Traumatic Stress Relapse. For a few minutes I was paralyzed and couldn't move.
The explicitly sexual filth coming from this "comedian" was actually causing trauma to my mind. I'm not sure at what point but I did find myself getting up and walking out. I rushed to the bathroom wiped my tears washed my face and wondered around for an hour or so.
I was so angry with myself for "following the crowd" which is something I'm not used to doing. I knew better. I knew the potential subjects of these so called comedians.
At first I was upset at the person who suggested we go see this Rated R comedian. I assumed we all had the same taste in certain things because basically we're all LDS and it caused me to think of this person a little differently.
Then I realized this was all on me. I have agency and the ability to make choices for myself. I can't trust what I believe to be right or wrong is what someone else also believes to be right or wrong. I put myself in a situation that could potentially cause undue trauma and distress to myself.
I have to remember that I now live in situation where I become highly sensitive to certain subject matter that can and does cause physical, mental and emotional trauma to me. My world is totally different than it was 2.5 years ago. I just cannot tolerate certain things anymore. And the more I learn about myself, those things are vile and disgusting anyway and if more people didn't tolerate them the world would be a better place.
I allowed someone else to make a decision for me that even though I questioned, I went along with. There's no way I can blame that choice on anyone but me. I made a bad choice in judgement pertaining to what I believe and want to stand for. I can't put that on anyone else but me.
When I experience things like this I always think of my daughter and how I would want her to handle the situation.
I would hope that if my daughter were in the same situation she would make a better choice than I did.
I relearned a high school lesson at the age of 42: Going along with the crowd and allowing anyone else to make a decision for you that you know is a bad decision is NEVER EVER going to be a good thing.