Thursday, June 26, 2008

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

I believe that quote with all my heart. If I didn't believe it I'm sure I'd be in an state hospital some place.
The last 7 days have been some of the toughest I've experienced ever and I've had some pretty tough experiences.
Without going into too much detail I'll get to it.

About eleven years ago I experienced a situation that had a profound effect on me. For the most part i dealt with it in generally a quick manner and put it behind me. Last Friday a sort of recurrence of that situation happened. I spent last Saturday in an emergency crisis center. I don't remember too much of Saturday or even Sunday for that matter. But I remember a bunch of big words and Initials being thrown around that I couldn't grasp.

I have since learned the words Post traumatic Stress Disorder aka PTSD is what they were saying and I was suffering from it and shock. For those of you who don't know, Post traumatic stress disorder is comparable to what war vets experience as "shell shock" or "flash backs." It's as if although they're living in today but their memory treats it as if they are still in the moments of the trauma, and they are experiencing it as if time stood and they are in the midst of it.
No one, I don't care who you are or how strong you think you are, likes to hear they have some sort of disorder or dysfunction. My moment of truth was in the midst of my hysterics I was so physically weak and out of it, I can remember laying down in some one's lap or in some one's arms and simply not having the physical strength to sit up and not remembering who was around me or how I got there. I KNEW I NEEDED HELP, there was no doubts and no denying it.

I never thought PTSD would or could be associated with me. For eleven years I stuffed down the fear, anger shock and all else that came with situation thinking I was putting it behind me.
Much of the weekend is a blur. Within the weekend there were moments of darkness, loneliness, fear, pain, and confusion. I'm still having trouble "connecting all the dots" so to speak. I even suffered a little set back yesterday reminding me to slow down and take it easy so I can properly heal from the trauma. And that's what I'm doing.
What I'm drawn to most over the weekend and this week as well is the overwhelming support of family, friends and loved ones.
I have felt the love, the strength and the support. Although I may never get last weekend back into my memory, I have felt deep inside of me being carried by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
About 13 years ago I was under a dark cloud. I received a beautiful blessing from my home teacher at the time and I will never forget the words: 'Those who are close to you are being protected and guarded by your angels for your benefit." At the time I wasn't sure what that meant. But before the end of the day one of my close friends who was actually out of town on business called me twice that evening. The first time she called she said she was out of town and just felt like she wanted to call and say "hi." The second time she called on the break from her business meeting and said she didn't know why she needed to call and didn't' care why, but she felt so strongly she needed to check up on my and just let me know she loved me and I was in her prayers. I realized what the line in that blessing meant.

I experienced much of that this last week. I heard from several friends who had no knowledge of what I was experiencing. Just "out of the blue" (if you believe in out of the blue ;) many of them simply said
"You're in my prayers, I'm thinking of you, just wanted you to know that"

I had a conversation a while ago with one of my friends who told just in passing,
"hey I was thinking of you the other day..."
and I said..
"why didn't you let me know at the time, I probably needed to hear it then at the time."

And then i said..
"why do we do that? When people are on our minds we either ignore it or tell them after the fact instead when it happens which is probably when they needed to know the most."

He was one of those I heard from this week, he said since that conversation he's decided to let people know when he's thinking of them. I so appreciate him and his following those promptings.

So to all of you who followed those promptings, there is not enough thanks in my heart to express how much it meant hearing from you during this time.

There are times in our lives when we experience trauma and heartache. Most of us don't get the counseling we need in situations such as this because we feel strong and brave and don't want to think there's something wrong with us, or our thinking. That stuff may go away, for a while but it never disappears. It will surface if not properly dealt with. What's frightening is that we cannot choose the time or circumstances under when it will surface again. Don't be afraid or too proud to get counseling or help if you need it. Even if you don't think you need it, it doesn't hurt to talk to someone, get your thoughts and feelings out. Your bishop, pastor, priest, minister or whomever is a good resource to start with. LDS Social Services will also accept anyone, you don't have to be a church member to use this resource.

I'm not sure how long this road is I've got to walk. I am walking it willingly. I'm walking it thoroughly. And I'm not walking it alone, which is so comforting. I can feel many of you walking it with me, holding me up when I'm to weak to hold myself up. In the midst of my confusion on Saturday I was given a blessing. I don't remember much of it, but I do remember afterwards there were arms around me holding me together so I would not fall apart. And then away I was whisked to the trauma crisis center.
Sometimes I laugh most of the day and sometimes I cry most of the day. I've been sleeping ALOT, it feels like more than I've ever slept before. Which isn't a bad thing. lol

My therapist is awesome. I get to reinforce comfort, security and happiness with all my favorite foods, movies, music, and things to do like shopping, drawing, writing and Raggedy Ann and Andy. (Raggedy Ann and Andy were my favorite FAVORITE thing in childhood. I'm surrounded by 5 of them now :). There is no such thing as TOO MANY RAGGEDY ANNs or ANDYs!

Anyway, the shock is wearing off. I'm slowing connecting the dots from the weekend and there are days I'm all me and days I'm a zombie.

But I keep saying a couple things over and over in my head when I feel that anxiety coming on:

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
"If God brings you to it, he will lead you through it."


themeese2 said...

Aw, Kaydee honey, you just got yourself added onto my personal prayer list. I am so sorry that you are going through this. Isn't it wonderful to have the resources that we have through the gospel of Jesus Christ to help us when the bottom falls out of the world?!

Kristin said...

I have no idea what you've had to go through, but I'm glad you're surrounded by love and support. I hope things are looking up and you're doing better. Miss you around here.

Floyd the Wonderdog said...

Just found your blog today. Love it.

I hope you're better, but just in case, I'll add your name to the Detroit Temple prayer roll.

CPT said...

Black Mormon Girl

I have enjoyed your blog. You are talented. Your spirit is inspiring to me and I appreciate your enthusiasm and interest in sharing your thoughts and feelings. Stay true and faithful...
CPT Xena

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