I'm Having A Moment!

**WARNING: I'M ABOUT TO GET SOMEWHAT POLITICAL**

I usually would not put an entry like this on my Religion page. But today, I'm going to break protocol and share with you some of what I'm feeling right now.

If you've come here to find out who I voted for, you can leave now. My mama don't even know who I voted for. She always told me that knowledge was between me and Heavenly Father and I've yet to disclose it to any one. I will say I flipped the switch this time and went outside my norm. I'll also say that my family (parents, daughter, siblings) were very divided and we most likely cancelled each other out.
That being said, I want to say I'm very disappointed in the attitude of some people I've been hearing the last 24 hours.
Let me share some quotes:

"all I've heard from the black communities is.. first black president. None of them have even mentioned that issues..."
"blacks only voted for another black person, not the best candidate"
"this is the most blatant act of racism america has seen"
"what is this, the second emancipation?" "c'mon america I thought this was not about race..."


This historical elections WAS indeed about race. And about economy, and education, and gender biases, and wars and rumors of wars.... IT'S POLITICAL so of course it's going to be about all these things.

It's not like all the black folk called each other and said..."Vote for Obama and then lets seduce a bunch of white people into changing their minds so our evil plan for black power is now in the works."


People TODAY I am having a Moment!

In this moment I feel the slave generations of my family and their weariness of working sun up to sun down in the heat soaked cotton and tobacco fields of the south.

I feel their joy with their greatest hope of succes was to simply be able to serve in the "big house" instead of in the fields.

I feel the pain of those who were struck hundreds of times by "massa's whip!"

I feel the fear of waking each day not knowing if today was the day that your 15 year old son would be sold off to some plantation 50 miles away to pay off a debt or if your 18 year old daughter would be chosen as a breeder to supply massa with more slave children to increase his personal wealth.
I feel the hope of and dreams of running away on that underground railroad to find freedom.

I feel the anxiousness of those who fleed the south to join the civil ward in the fight for freedoms that would not come to completeness until longer after they have passed and gone home to glory.

I feel their pride and joy

in being a needed force to be reaconed and risking their lives to save those they served with in world wars as allies and country men, only to return to their own country and continue to suffer through the wars on racism and on equal rights. I feel their frustration in wanting their children to have an opportunity for the best education in universities and colleges regardless of skin color.
I feel their aching backs and tired and blistered feet as they walk for hours and sometimes days just to be able to have a voice in equality, only to be met with opposition, humilitation and in many cases death.













I feel their horror in gathering to go to choir practice or Wednesday night Church prayer meeting and instead of feeling the Burning Spirit of the Lord, Seeing a burning cross in front of their burning church.









I feel the years and years of training and exhaustion to represent their country and be awarded respect on the world stage and afterwards still feel the sting of being emasculated and reduced to nothing but an oppressed colored man or woman at home.

















My People, I AM HAVING A MOMENT!
In honor of my Great-GreatGrandparents and Great-Grandparents who would never live to see this day.

In honor of my Grandparents who walked instead of riding the buses, who used the colored only drinking fountains. Who got hosed down and arrested for protesting. Who held up their fists in hopes of civil and social equality and have passed on never to see it or to experience very little of it their life times, this moment I share with you.

Their Country, my country, OUR country is a place where someone like them or myself have the ability to and the opportunity to no longer be blocked, barred and held back by the color of our skin.

We live in a country where indeed anyone regardless of gender, color, religion and social background through the generations can absolutely become President of the United States.

With that must come some pride and joy in being a part of this country.
To those of you who will not, and cannot acknowledge this aspect of our country and will negate this moment, the history and the doors it has opened because of the politcal platform of the newly elected president Barack Obama I invited you to take a moment. Take a moment and revel in the awesomeness of where this country was to how far it's come in providing the opportunity and learning from the wrongs and the mistakes it's made against it's own people of color: Native American, Latin American, African American.... stop me at anytime.
I'm not asking you to agree with who is now president elect of the United States. Take a moment to find the positives in being blessed in the fact that we live in an amazing country. What makes us amazing is our ablility to learn from our mistakes and to endure through the growing pains that have brought us thus far.

It only took us about 200 years to get there, however the fact will always be
A country who once thought of the black man as "the beast" or "the help" or " Property" has elected the very same to leads its country.

Copy and paste the following clip and you'll get an understanding:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iyf91ANvKHY


And for all these reasons, I Am Having A moment.

To those of you who fear the next 4 years I say to you, out of the mouth of my 18 year old just yesterday: "If Ye are prepared, ye shall not fear." We've been instructed on how to prepare our selves by our Prophets and other church leaders. Perhaps spending some time in the scriptures ( May I suggest revelations?) will remind us the signs of the times and ALL that must happen before hand. I promise as we prepare ourselves for things to come, all fear will be replaced with faith.

Head and Heart Testify of Truth

We members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints go to a 3 hour block of church on Sundays.
There is a meeting called Elders Quorum for the Men ages 18 years old and over, a Meeting called Relief Society for the Sisters 18 and older. Youth and young adults ages 12-17 are broken down into age groups and genders. This is simply called YoungMen/Young Womens or Mutual.
Children 3-11 have a class called primary where they're broken into age groups as well, and there's a Nursery for babies 1-3. All this goes on at the same time.

The next hour block is Sunday school, where husbands and wife come together and discuss lessons on the assigned scripture reading for the week.

The 12-18 year olds come together by age groups to bascially discuss the same as their parents except on their level and in terms understandble for their age group.

The kids 11 and under stay in their classes.

The final hour block is where the family comes together to worship and listen to selected sermon's that are taught by selected members. (Any member of the congregation can be asked ahead of time to prepare the sermon. Most often there are 1-3 speakers, one of them usually a youth speaker). This meeting we also partake of the Sacrament. We partake of bread, as a symbol of the body of Jesus Christ and water as the symbol of the blood of Jesus Christ. In doing so we also covenant with the Lord that we will always remember him, and keep his commandments which he hath* given them, (that they may do it in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for them; that they may witness unto thee,) that they may always have his Spirit to be with them.
A weekly reminder and renewal of convenants to always be a witness and remember Jesus Christ the Son of God and to keep his commandments.

Often times the first block and the last block are reversed. Anyway now that you have the structure how our sunday's work... on with the point.

I'm not sure why I'm inclined to share this experience. But it is heavy on my mind today, sort of like a testimony.
About 14 years ago, I fell into somewhat of a depression. I wasn't clinically diagnosed but there had been a dark cloud hanging over me for a few months that I felt I could not shake. In this time I had also ceased to have my daily prayers and read my scriptures on a regular basis and had not been to church in weeks. To some those seem like little things but the littles thing come to make big impacts in our lives.
This particular Sunday I woke up in time for the start of the 9am Meeting. I didn't have a desire to go so I brushed the feeling away and ignored it. About an hour later a voice in my head suggested "go to church." I looked at the time, the 2nd hour block would soon be starting, and again I ignored the feeling. About 40 minutes after that I heard out loud a voice... "GO TO CHURCH NOW!" I actually turned around to see who was speaking to me. There was no one there.
I decided to heed the prompting no matter how I felt about going. I pulled my hair back into a pony tail. Put on a jean skirt, my University of Michigan sweat shirt and some footwear and walked the block to church.
It was the last meeting of the day, Relief Society. I sat off bymyself because I didn't want to be bothered. I folded my arms, folded my legs and gave off the best... "don't talk to me, don't sit by me, don't touch me " vibe I could give off. And I sat listening to prelude music. The Relief Society President got up and made the announcments and then asked that we sing the opening song to being our meeting, and then an opening prayer would follow.
As we sang the first verse and I listened to the words of the song, I began to feel tears rolling down my face. By the time we got to the 2nd verse, I was audibly sobbing and 3 sister's hand come and put their arms around me and were huggin me as if to keep me together.
The song I had heard all my life from the time of a small child and knew the words. But for some reason on this day, I FELT everyword being sung.
You see, I've always known that I am a child of the MOST high God. I am Daughter of a Heavenly Father who is so in love with me. We come to this knowledge and teach it at a young age. And through that teaching comes the belief. But on this particular day, this day that someone spoke in my ear to go to the Father's house and RECIEVE the love he had for me. And I felt it. I recived it. And feeling that love strengthened my belief of it. I did not doubt that God My Father knows me intimately. He is aware of my every sorrow, heartache, joy and pain. And he knows what is best for me. And if I trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not to my own understanding... in all things he WILL direct my paths.

It has been a most difficult and challenging 4 months. This last week has been particularly difficult as well I have experienced things no one should have to even experience. And I have experienced great joys that everyone should be blessed to have. We all have these experiences. I just happens to be my turn.
Through it all I want to bear witness that I know that my Lord and SaviorJesus Christ lives to Reign. He shed great drops of blood in MY behalf because he loves me AND he wants me to succeed. The beauty of it all is that there is unending Love enough for you as well. There are those out there how have yet to come to this knowledge and it hurts my heart to know others stand in that dark clouds where I've been and feel not of this wonderous light and love. May we all reach out to our brothers and sisters, regardless of religious beliefs and background and be living examples of that love.

May those who don't know Christ personally learn of him because they know YOU.


*** The Hymn:

(vs1)
Our Savior's love
Shines like the sun with perfect light.
As from above
it breaks through clouds of strife.
Lighting our way,
It leads us back into his sight,
Where we may stay
To share eternal life.

(vs2)
The Spirit, voice
Of goodness, whispers to our hearts
A better choice
Than evil's anguished cries.
Loud may the sound
Of hope ring till all doubt departs,
And we are bound
To him by loving ties.

(vs3)
Our Father, God
Of all creation, hear us pray
In reverance, awed
By thy Son's sacrifice.
Praises we sing.
We love thy law; we will obey,
Our heavenly King,
In thee our hearts rejoice

Single Parent's Raising Teenagers in Today's world.

I was asked to be the guest speaker and on a panal about single parent's raising teenagers in todays world.
It's turned into quite a lengthy blog. But I'm pleased at the outcome of what I'll be speaking on.
Here's the link to it, Hope you enjoy it and will give me lots of feedback, I could sure use it.
Thanks

http://oldschoolmormonmama.blogspot.com/

Good Relationship Are A Blessing That Comes With MUCH Effort.

I've come to believe that each relationship we have should be an example of God's love. So when people see you're relationships they are seeing a visual understanding of how the Lord loves us.
Every relationship we have regardless if it's Mother-Daughter, Father-Son, Sister-Brother, Aunt-Nephew, Grandparent-Grandchild, is practice for that Eternal or Marriage relationship. We're to have

Parental love: Isaiah 49: 15 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

Brotherly love: Roman 12:10 Be kindly affectioned one to another with brotherly love; in honour preferring one another;

Child-like love: Matthew 18: 4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
Mosiah 3:19 For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

Spousal love: (actually all of Ephesians chapter 5) Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
Ephesians 5:33 Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

In the last few months in studying relationships I've spent some time in the book of Romans. It addresses marriage, divorce, homosexuality and a range of other relationship dealings.Romans is a pretty good reference guide for relationships:

Romans 12:9 Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.


Romans 12:16 Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.

Actually I think I'm going to have a placque made of Romans 12. It really is good house rules.

And going back to Ephesians which even instructs us how to communicate and speak to one another
Ephesians 4: 29-32: Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.

30 And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.

31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:

32 And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.


The most prominent examples of relationships we have are the ones we're in. So we take our examples from those around us, it's only natural, and usually all you have to go on. When we seek the relationship of spouse, it's only natural to draw back on relationships such as Grandma's and Grandpa's, Mom and Dad's, Older brothers and sisters, Aunt's and Uncles and such and even friends.
I've observed the relationships around me, the failed ones, the one's that appear to be successful, the one's that have failed and learned from their failings and are now in a more successful relationship.

I'm not above asking what went wrong in failed relationships and I've learned no one is a great as they paint themselves out to be. It's never all one person's fault and if you arent willing to face up to your own mistakes and shortcomings you'll keep making them in all your relationships. How you speak of (and to) your former spouse, your parents, and your children are all indications of how you'll speak to your current spouse.

I've seen siblings treat each other better than their spouses. I've seen Spouses speak and carefor a pet better than each other.
I've seen families give strangers and friends more courtesy and love than they give each other.

These things ought not to be.

Knowing what's really important is a blessing.
I think what I've learned most in the last few months is what's really important and what isn't.
Part of being in a loving relationship is learning how your partner communicates best and making compromises to accomodate each other. If you can't accomplish that, there's almost no point in going any further.
I also recognize those adjustments begin when your commitment begins, not sometime down the road after the marriage begins.
The one thing I see that remains constant...if adjustments aren't being made before the union, they aren't being made after. Many people are caught in the disbelief but time and time again I hear.. "they were that way before...I thought it would change after.."
I dont believe that.
What's really important in the grand scheme of things. Intentions, being true to your word, progression, fairness, knowing and acknowledging I have faults and being willing to work on them constantly.

Being able to over look and let go of small annoyances is a blessing. My Father and Grandfather were control freaks. Do it their way, no questions asked. It had to be their way. Why? I'm still not sure. there's 100 different ways to do 1 thing. As long as it get's done in a timely manner, legally and without harming anyone or anything does it matter?
It was once said to me "didn't your mama teach you not to leave the sponge in the sink?" This was after cleaning a kitchen and washing dishes. No mention of the clean kitchen or dishes, just about the sponge in the sink. And even if there was mention of it, what would you think the focus was on? yeah, the sponge. Should it have mattered and why? So anyway when every little thing like that is brought to notice you begin to focus on their negativity not their kindness.

Being able to keep focus on the positive is a blessing as well. It's difficult when surrounded by negativity.

I've realized the blessings of kind words AND deeds. Ever notice how one unkind or critical word can ruin everything? More than anything it births negative retaliation in word and deed (usually of the vengeful sort).
I've realized the blessing of knowing how to adjust to things that really don't matter. Letting the little dumb stuff fall away and not being nit picky about things that really don't have any place or weight in the relationship.

I've realized the blessing of good communication. Seeing a look or expression, hearing inflections and tone in a voice. Getting a visual or hearing understanding and intent in a voice is far better than incorrect assumptions via text or email or I/M. I've seen it and experienced it too many times, people reading words and putting their own attitudes and intent behind them instead of knowing how things were really intended. I'm no longer willing to have anymore important conversations unless they are face to face or at the very least Voice to voice on the phone.

Finding ways to connect on a regular basis and enjoy each other is a blessing.
I take the example of my brother. I asked him the difference in his first and second marriages and the changes he made. My brother is a Gamer. (yeah, E, I'm calling you out, but only because you give me hope) When I lived with him and his first wife he spent hours playing computer games. He loved them. His wife came to resent it. This was also the story of my step-sister and her first husband. This may not have been the main cause but it helped in their breaking up.
My brother said the best thing he did was DECIDE to enjoy his wife more. (because it was a choice, an option) He put being with her first and made sure she was taken care of, emotionally, mentally, physically first and she does the same. In doing so, the need for him to be online wasn't as urgent or fullfilling at it had been. He's learned moderation. He would find great joy in creating a new avetar and getting to the next level but expressed less joy in doing things with his spouse. Now he will only indulge in his gaming when his wife is not home or when all other things are satisfied. For him he's able to go weeks at a time without even turning his computer on except to pay a couple bills or read a few emails. Defineately not for hours at a time. He said he fought it tooth and nail and gave every lame excuse in the book. But realized that the people in his life are more important than the things and adjusted accordingly.

Working together to find the best solutions instead of feeling the need to be right is a blessing.
For the most part I could give a flip about being right. There is very little glory in being right about most situation. There's no joy in giving the benefit of the doubt against your better judgement and finding out you were shafted or flaked out on again. Or someone doing something to hurt you... and you knew it would happen. Where is the joy in being right? Where is the joy in being so rigid and close minded that you miss out on greater learning or understanding because you already know it all? What kind of life do you really have if you don't have the mind to trust or believe in anyone but yourself? Makes for a lonely bored life. I'm not down for that.

Studying and discussing the Word of God together is a blessing.
How in the world can you have a Christ Centered Union and family if you aren't even studying the word of God together or as a family? I have friends that when you walk into their house you FEEL a noticable difference of peace, love and harmony. They say they've worked very hard to have that atmosphere. Their day begins with Family scripture reading and prayer for each other in the morning. And they look for ways to uplift and build each other each day. There's a noticeable difference when they omit these things.
I remember an article in our church magazines years ago that basically said: How dare we use the same lips for profanity, anger, belittlement and critisism to dare call upon the Lord Our God in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and ask for blessings. We need to take more of an active part in our own speech to bring to pass the blessings we seek.

Ambition is a blessing: I have witnessed some lazy marriages and they stim from lazy attitudes. Love is a feeling but it's also an action. It involves words and deeds and both should be motivating. Not to say that you and your loved one's should always be on the go and doing. But you should be motivated and ambitious to make goals, progress toward them and reach them. If you don't have a plan and work a plan, then things happen to you instead of you making things happen. People put more effort in their jobs than their relationships.


I'm excited about the things I've learned these passed few months in recognizing what really is important. I learned alot about myself. What Im willing to let go of and what I'm not willing to let go of. I've got alot of work to do on myself as well. For me, some of the greatest experiences are the hardest ones and some of my greatest acheivements are recognizing my shortcomings and having the desire and working towards over coming them. I'm please with that, as I see too many people who are so busy pointing out the flaws of others, they dont have a handle on their own mess and don't even recognize their own mess.

Being able to recognize and work on your own flaws.... IS A BLESSING!

Is Your Mouth Writing Checks That You're Actions Aren't Cashing?

This election year has me thinking alot on Lip Service. Maybe because it's an election year it seems as if the amount of people saying things they don't really mean or saying one thing and doing another... or just not doing anything at all while insisting action and change is their intent has been MAGNIFIED.

Had a meeting yesterday morning and we got on the subject of Integrity and Honesty and how compared to our parents generation, people of today don't even have a concept of those things.
Back in the day, your word was your bond. Today, you can barely trust the word of those closest to you in even the smallest things. If you can't trust someone to do the small things, is it wise to invest enough in people to even get to the bigger things?
(this reminds me of being willing to DIE for our beliefs, but not willing to live with or for them)

It all boils down to INTEGRITY.

I like to watch and observe people I think actions tell more about a person than their words ever could. And if words and action are continuously inconsistant, there's a problem with integrity. Most peope think of integrity & honesty as simply telling the truth... and only when asked. It's not a bad thing but it's a lazy thing. We're taught to be more than lazy thinkers and doers of the word.

1 Corinthians 15:58 Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, for as much as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

Even our young women STAND UP each week and make the promise to stand for truth and righteousness at all times and in all things and in all places.
And I believe the theme for our LDS youth is

Mosiah 5:15 'Be steadfast and immovable, always abounding in good works'

We've seen the word abounding a few times in our scriptures. It means "plentiful, overflowing, abundant." As far as I know, those are action words. While we are in this life we're to be actively building up the kingdom of God by word and deed. I think tooo many of us think of it as "just" a Sunday thing. There's so much more to it than that. Building up the Kingdom of God is more than listening to a serman or listening to religious music on Sunday. These are great things but seriously if the majority of us think that's enough and the best we can do the world is in trouble. I think anytime we simply do "just good enough" and not our best, we lack integrity in those moments. Don't get me wrong there are defineately times when "just good enough" IS all you can do. But it should be the exception and not the rule. Integrity starts with intention. It starts in our minds, and our thinking. Its in our words, our follow up and our follow through. We would all do well to live as if our word IS our bond. So much of us live by saying things we don't mean or spouting things off the cuff with no intention of actually doing them. How many times do we find ourselves saying :
"I'll be there." "I'll call you back/tomorrow" "I will do.." or "Promise I'll get to it..."

Just for our follow up to end up being:
"I was going to but..." "what had happened was..." "I didn't forget I just..."?
We are fooling ourselves if we think these things go unnoticed by our friends and family after pulling it so many times. I can guarantee they may appear to believe you at your word but they certainly aren't counting on it or believing it much.

I've had a few disappointments in this regard this summer. It's taught me, if nothing to try and be a person whose intentions match their actions. I don't want it said of me that I am lazy in actions and lacking in integrity.
I like knowing that I can be counted on. It's tiring at times but it feels good to know people can count on me to get things taken care of and to keep my word for the most part. I don't want to be a disappointment to my friends and family and most of all to myself. I'm the person who believes you when you say you're going to do something no matter how small or big.
I'm also the one who is done believing when I see you haven't kept your word or your plans always fall though and don't happen the majority of the time. It actually only takes about 2 or 3 times and then I'm done believing.
Even if at some later point you happen to follow thru on a couple of the big things, I'm not going to trust you to get MOST things done. I'll believe it when it see it, because you've shown me that's all you deserve.

We should be taught and teaching from a young age and quite regularly the importance of integrity (things like selfishness, greed, taking more than we need just because we can or because something is free should be an abomination to us and should be taught to our children from a young age.)
We are taught that Integrity is being honest in word, thought and deed even when no one else is watching or around. This means we are hard working all the time, not just when the boss is going to be coming around. It means we are truthful and standing up for it and righteousness, not only when it's convenient, but even when it's not the popular or cool thing to do. It means our words and actions are consistant with one another. It means our actions, intentions and thoughs are the same regardless of who we are with. We aren't saying one thing and doing another. Or Implying one thingand then it not happening. It means we are actively putting forth the effort to cash the checks that our mouths are writing in all areas of our lives: Physically, mentally, emoitonally, spiritually, economically and so forth.

Even those little things we say we'll do and don't end up doing, they make a difference. It has everything to do with intent which starts in our thinking.

Proverbs: 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he..."

Let me put this too you in todays terms: "Where the mind goes, the behind follows."

And if you STILL don't get it... let's try one more time: We accomplish exactly those things we want and intend to accomplish.

It is very rare that we put on hold the things we really really want to accomplish. It's not in our nature to allow someone else to plan or take over and move forward on the things WE want. Anything we are passionate about we don't pawn off on others, we are actively involved and abounding in the progression of it.

So if you look around at your life and are noticing a pile of "woulda, coulda, shoulda's" or unfinished goals and accomplishments check your intent and actions. More often than not that has everything to do with it.

I'm guilty of some of these things, we all are. But lately it seems as if I'm actually feeling the effects of it.
Is this what it feels like to my friends and family when I say things to them and don't follow through or fall short? I know in this regard I can work harder on being a person of integrity. My challenge for us all is to make a committment to being a person of greater integrity.
To those who feel it doesn't apply to them, read Proverbs 23:9 and good luck and stop bouncing checks.

I Did the Right Thing....Didn't I?

So, I just turned down a job offer. It was a pretty decent offer as well, much like the job I just left. My Interviewer was excited for me to begin my training October 20th. Starting pay was good, benefits awesome, sounded like just what I needed to get back into the working world.

We discussed what my schedules, salary and benefits would be. And then she asked a fateful question:

"Because we are an international company and strive to resolve customer issues in one call, you will be required to sometimes view and assist customers in things mostly considered of a Sexually offensive nature and adult content, is this something you feel you can do?"



I sat there stunned and stammering. I tried to say yes, but couldnt. Instead I got nauseated, and started sweating and trembling. I heard myself saying :



"I would have a problem with that"



She asked if it were something I felt I could ease into and eventually overcome because I would be a required to accomodate the customer.

I told her

"no, it was something I wouldn't do."



We sat there in silents. She was very kind and understood my position. She was disappointed at my not being able to have the position. I was just shocked, I think. She'll keep my resume (Of course) on file in the event that something else might come along. Thus ended my Interview.



A couple of things are going on inside of me right now:



ANXIOUS!!! Employment is essential to life. I need job, benefits and such to maintain the quality of life I feel I deserve. Although I've been taking it easy for the summer, I'm ready to kick back in and earn my keep again. I need and want a job.



SHOCK!!! Although we know the kind of world and the evils in it, I'm shocked it's actually come into the work place so abruptly and welcomed.



SADNESS!!! That people really live their lives in away that welcome violence, porn, profanity and even mocking the sacredness ofdiety as part of their regular entertainment.



SICK!!! I got sick to my stomach and trembling in those few moments of understand the question. It made me ill for a reason.



WEAK!!! Shouldn't I be stronger than this? Shouldn't I be able to breeze right through profanity, pornography and other such things w/o being offensive? Doesn't the Lord protect and shield his children from being affected by these such things if they're praying, reading their scriptures and doing things trying to stay close to him? This stuff shouldn't bother me at all right? After all not every customer call would be of that nature, maybe just 2 or 3 a week, or month or maybe just 1 a year... It's good money I should be able to get over it...*sigh*



Anger!!! Just as The Lord is aware of our strenghts and weaknesses, so is Lucifer (PUNK!) He uses low blows, insults, criticism (I've gotten some of that already by not accepting) and fear to break us down, attack our confidence and use justification to convince us to compromise our standards.



After the interview I sat in Silence for a few minutes. I like sitting in silence I do it quite a bit. I wanted to put a name to all the emotions popping off inside of me and the above is what I've come up with. I also wanted to get some resolve on what I'd just done and determine if I was too hasty in my decision. I was told to contact them if my standings change, they'd love to have me.



**SIGH***

I was upset to the point of tears. Im upset that circumstances guided me to resign from my previous job. I'm upset that as a result of someone elses actions I suffered the consequences that put me, my mind and emotions in a sensitive state that normally wouldn't have been.

I'm upset at how it effected me then, now and possibly in the long term.



And now that I've cried, I'm no longer upset.



Most welcomed to my thoughts came the following phrases:



"We will stand for truth and righteousness at all times, in all things and all places...."



"...If there is anything virtuous, lovely, of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things."



Proverbs 19:1 Better is the poor that walketh in his integrity than he that is perverse in his lips and is a fool.



Doctrine and Covenant's 33:2 For verily, verily I say unto you that ye are called to lift up your voices as with the sound of a trump, to declare my gospel unto a crooked and perverse generation.



I actually just turned on the TV and happened upon the rebroadcast of the General Relief Society Conference and Elder UchtDorf is speaking. Although he is speaking of being creators with the creator the phrase he just spoke that speaks out to me most is:



"Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside."





*SIGH* (that was a sigh of relief)

I have given myself permission to feel triumphant about my decision. I feel there is PLENTY employment out there that doesn't require me to subject myself to these kinds of things. Im sure there are plenty of employee's who are ready and willing to take that position. I just happen to be one who isn't.

And now that I think about it.... did I really even contemplate selling my standards and risk putting my spirit and soul at dis-ease by being subjected to images and lanuage I've spent years staying away from for a mere hourly wage with excellent benefits?



Being Christians (and yes, people Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints ARE christians), when we take upon the name of Jesus Christ we have taken the guess work out of alot of decisions the rest of the world struggles with. Although from time to time we may falter, and backslide and make mistakes, we have the free agency to continue to live in those mistakes, or to get back up and stand for truth and righteousness and keep on trying to do what is right.

(As Christians we dont covenant to not make mistakes, as long as we are alive we will make mistakes. But we convenant to correct them when we do make them, and to move forward in righteousness as best we can with the intent to refrain from continuously making the same mistakes.)



Being Christian this decision, like many others, was made when I was baptized. It's made when I take the sacrament each week to "take upon the name of thy son Jesus Christ.... and always remember him."



I'm certainly not perfect in obeying everything in accordance to all the Lords commandments, the main 10 in Exodus, and the many others throughout the scriptures.

I'm CONFIDENT I made the right choice for me. I'm CONFIDENT the job I will really love and excel in is waiting for me. I'm confident I will be blessed for not selling my "birth right" for a mess of pottage... at least this time (wink.) I have found great strength in that knowledge and I will keep on keepin on.

Much to my Surprize....

This page has surpassed my other blog pages and has become my Popular Main Page! I've been getting emails from people all over the world about my "Journal of a Black Mormon girl" and I am pleased about that.
Some of you in our email discussions have even admitted to the ignorance of our religion and have come off impressed. If I had a part in that, I'm humbled and grateful.

Some of you insist on picking at scabs. You know each religion has scabs. If you choose to dable in past bacteria's that time, and education are trying to heal, you deserve the ache that picking scabs will bring.

I don't say that to hide from the passed mistakes and judgements of man... because all man has and will have them as long as they are alive. Men of God will make mistakes and use bad judgement at times... because they are MAN. There are numerous accounts of it in all the scriptures we have. And God, in his infinate wisdom always provides a way to correct and compensate for it. Man cannot Destroy his kingdom, his work will go forth.

I love that saying... All Lucifer needs is for good men to do nothing in order for him to succeed.
So if you're the type to go to work, go home, mind your business and not really do anything except say.. "thank you Jesus" once in a while, at least to me, that's the same as no doing anything.
What do people think Jesus meant when he said... "feed my sheep?" He meant s whole multitude of things. Something are more challenging and diffucult than others yet some things are soo soo easy and almost effortless.

I live in a place where, if someone is moving ... people will run out of their own homes to help unload or load, while others will drop off a meal or cool drinks to help those who are able to do more. Someone noticed our hedges were growing passed the windows and since they were doing their own, they did ours as well.

One of the ladies noticed me walking with my knee brace on and came to see if she could get anything for me when she ran to the store later that evening.

I am one of the sheep and I'm being well fed.


The other day while I was out I stopped to let a gentleman cross in front of me. He was Scowling! I smiled and yelled out the window... "hey, what you looking all mad about?" He looked at me and said... "I didn't even notice!" He smiled, turned and then started whistling on his way. It wasn't a big thing, but I'd like to think I somehow fed that sheep.

My mind echo's the words of my mother quite often: "If you see something that needs to be done or if you can help out another, you should do it."

Is it suprising that my Grandmother, her mom would often say... "the only hands the Lord has are yours"

When I think of one of my favorite scriptures in John: Greater love has no man than this: that a man lay down his life for a friend.
So many of us think it means dying for someone. Well that may be true to a point. I believe this to mean taking the time out to serve. Somehow when I'm serving and helping other people, my own issues aren't so bad and I often find the solutions through serving others. It allows me to feed some sheep and it aides my own healing. It helps to fill voids. So many times we look ourside ourselves to fill voids and this can be dangerous. Some do it with food, others music, some with gaming, porn, working too much, boasting, cleaning, cooking. Some read, do yard work, some go out for long walks or drives. As you can see I've mentioned some good ways and bad ways to fill voids. All should be done in moderation. From My experience the things I do that fill my voids more completely and last the longest are when I'm doing something to uplift someone else. If uplifts me as well if not more. I also noticed, when Im selfish my life quickly become hell. I'm not saying be so giving that I put my own well being or the wellbeing of my family in danger. The best way to take care of others is to take care of yourself as well so you are in a position to help others and know that the Lord will continue to bless you as you continue to bless others.

Thank you, for making this my number one blog :)

To Everything There is a Season

... and a time for every purpose under heaven.
(Ecclesiastes 3:2)

Today was to be my wedding day. Less than 3 months ago the plan was to put on the pretty dress, tiara and veil and "jump the broom."

Instead I'm sitting down, and before me are 2 empy bottles of coors bottles and a computer. Yeah, I emptied them myself.

I'm thinking back over the events of the summer: Wedding plans, resigning from a job, therapy, putting daughter in college, 3 week vacation in the home town... there's been alot of heavy life changes going on. With that has been life altering circumstances that have imposed themselves upon what could have been (and are to a point) some exciting times.

Lost my phone and some kind guy found it, called the Contact labled "home" so I was able to get that back.

Got up this morning, spent a couple hours at the dentist office with my daughter. Got her car inspected and registered for another year. Did some shopping and during that time I found myself staring a six pack of long necked bottles of Coors. I bought them along with some other things.

One might say that I'm sad or depressed because of the expectations of this day and how it has turned out.
Not me. So far I'm quite pleased with how the day is going. I know that postponing the wedding was the right thing. (noticed I said postponing) there's a little curiosity as to how this wedding thing will play out in the future since it is only postponed. I'm grateful for the time I was able to spend in Michigan with my family and his family, it was a much needed thing. I've got a few job prospects that I'll be delving into next week and as for the therapy I'm in the last stages needed before I'll be released. Daughter is having an amazing time in college, she's down this weekend with some of her roomates.
I'm even planning one of my favorite dinners: Baked potatoes and Steaks, which are marinating in a not-so-secret recipe of coors, A-1 steak sauce, and ginger ale. YUMMY! :)

I'm confident that as I continue to work at doing the right things and being productive that things will fall into place and when they do, it will be "mo betta" than even I can contemplate.

I'm pretty patient, especially when I've decided to put things in the Lords hands because I know
he ALREADY has it all worked out. My job is to have faith, listen for that Holy Spirit of promise and wait for his direction. So when that time and season comes, I can go forward in peace.

In the mean time, I get steak for dinner, Pie for dessert and a movie! Sounds good to me :)

Shame On ME!

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned"

Yeah, I know, wrong Church. I'm ashamed to say I haven't been to Church in over a month . I was on vacation for 3 weeks and the week before I went on vacation I was out of town taking my Child to college. But you know what? NO EXCUSES. I could have gone had I made the effort. I chose not to and now my SOUL is crying out. Oh don't get me wrong, I had my scriptures with me and read them and prayed. Was it daily...? Naw.... it wasn't. But I can tell a huge difference. My intuition is pretty good. I have good instincts. However the last 3 weeks, I feel it's all but escaped me. Now before I blame it on anything or anyone I have to take into account that I and I alone did not do the spiritual maintenance needed on a daily basis. I did not take that time each day to Connect with my Father in heaven and it has cost me dearly. I think the most praying done was the blessing of meals. Sad, I know. Props for blessing the food though.

How can I profess to be a woman of God and not take the time at the start and end of each day to check in with the Lord? How can I profess to be a woman of God and not take the time to read his word. I read books, watched TV, dabbled on the computer some, but I didn't take enough time to even pick up the Scriptures as much as I should have. *sigh*
Yeah, I know, I've disappointed myself. And now I'm feeling a spiritual funk.

So, it's back to basic training for me. You know making a point of doing those little things that we don't think will matter. Cuz they DO matter.
What I love most about the fellowship of the Lord and that he will meet you where you are as long as you make an honest and humble effort. So if it's back to the drawing board for some of us, he'll be there with the chalk in hand. I'm not that far gone folks but yeah, I am in need of spiritual repair and upliftment. I'm blessed because I know how to call down what I need and where to gather with those who praise and worship in his name.
I'm grateful for the Love our Heavenly Father extends to us at our request even in times of OUR absence.

We Sho Do Eat Some Funny Stuff!

People who know me know that when I get stressed or anxious or upset I likes to cook. And then I invite the neighborhood, who likes to eat. It's really a win/win relationship. I've lived 1/2 of my life in Utah for the most part... and other half I grew up in Battle Creek Michigan as a kid.

The Utah traditional meals were Apple Jacks, Frosted flakes, Pop tarts and all manner of Kellogg's breakfast cereals. My daddy worked and retired from Kellogg's and that's how we rolled. I'm STILL a Kellogg's Kids today. I tell you there is nothing like a Strawberry frosted pop tart ice cream sandwich, A mixture of apple jacks & fruit loops or a bowl of Frosted flakes OR Coco Crispy with half/half at midnight :)

We grew up on the typical foods in Michigan... Tuna Noodle Casseroles, Spaghetti, Fried chicken, Macaroni and cheese, Roast beef, Mashed potatoes. Desserts.. a simple bowl of ice cream , chocolate chip cookies or Apple and Peach cobblers.


The Utah tradition of foods is like none other. I'm not saying it's bad, but for sure it's Different. I'll share with you some the traditional favorites:

The most popular is probably the Funeral Potatoes. Mormons have taken scalloped potatoes to new heights with these. You know when someone has passed away and they call and ask... "would you be willing to make THE POTATOES". There's no need in asking "what potatoes." they hand you a flyer with the recipe when you cross the state line so you know. Being a Black Mormon girl, I have to put some SOUL in the potatoes so I don't lose my "Soul Food" card when I venture back into the real world.
There are several variation to Funeral Potatoes but here's the basic recipe... and then I'll add the Soul to it so you can have Funeral Potatoes with SOUL.

Basics:
8-10 Potatoes cooked, shredded or diced.
couple cans of Cream of Mushroom OR Cream of Chicken Soup
Carton of Sour Cream (abt 2 cups)
Couple cups of Grated Cheese
1/2-1 can of half and half
1/3 chopped onion
crushed corn flakes (abt 2 cups)
9x13 backing pan
Oven Preheated to 350.


I actually don't use the frozen potatoes, or the cornflakes but hey, that's how it goes I guess.
So I boil or back my potatoes with the skins on, then after they cool I peel them and I grate them or cut them up.

I mix the half/half, Sour cream and onion with the Cream of whichever soup I'm using. For the "Soul", I add minced or crushed garlic abt 1/2-1 teaspoon. I let that simmer and get warm so it's smooth but still thick. Then add the potatoes and mix it really well. And then pour it into the baking pan. This next part is where your personal style/taste variations come in. For me, this is the REAL SOUL: Traditional Mormons will use the the cheddar cheese and crushed corn flakes to sprinkle on top. For me, the Kellogg's kid.... I got something to say: DRY BREAKFAST CEREAL SHOULD NEVER BE USED IN CASSEROLES OR ON MEAT AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR "CRUNCH!"
Back to the Soul.... instead of Cheddar cheese on top, I'll use a pepper jack and Colby mixture to add a little bit of "BITE" to it. And then garnish it with Bacon bits. NOT BACOS, people. Fry you up some bacon... (Traditional Mormons, bacon can be microwaved and done in the oven on broil if you watch it closely). Bake for about 30 minutes. Now that is some Mormon Funeral Potatoes with some soul.

OK next we have a traditional dessert called "Better than Sex" Cake. There are a multitude of variations for this dessert. Some aren't even remotely the same. So I'll post the most traditional recipe I can find:

1 package devil's food cake mix
1/2 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
6 ounces caramel ice cream topping
3 Skor or heath candy bars chopped
1 (8 ounce) container frozen whipped topping, thawed



1. Bake cake according to package directions for a 9x13 inch pan; cool on wire rack for 5 minutes. Make holes across the top of the cake (with wooden spoon handle), making sure not to go all the way through to the bottom.

2. In a saucepan over low heat, combine sweetened condensed milk and caramel topping, stirring until smooth and blended. Slowly pour the warm topping mixture over the top of the warm cake, letting it sink into the holes ; then sprinkle the crushed chocolate toffee bars liberally across the entire cake while still warm. (Hint: I crush my candy bars into small chunks as opposed to crumbs - I like to have pieces I can chew on!)

3. Let cake cool completely, then top with whipped topping. Decorate the top of the cake with some more chocolate toffee bar chunks and swirls of caramel topping. Refrigerate and serve right from the pan!
This is ALSO known as "Prophets Cake" Cuz it was good enough to serve to the prophet and more appropriate to say when people asked what it's called.


Next we have Frog eye salad. IF there's a way to put sugar in something and sweeten it up, Mormons are masters at is.
This is a pasta salad with fruit, coconut, whipped topping and mini marshmallows. I personally don't care for it but it IS a church Potluck Tradition:

1 cup white sugar
3 egg yolks
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 cups pineapple juice
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 (16 ounce) package acini di pepe pasta
2 (20 ounce) cans pineapple chunks
2 (11 ounce) cans mandarin oranges, drained
3/4 cup maraschino cherries, chopped
1 (16 ounce) package miniature marshmallows
1 (12 ounce) container frozen whipped topping, thawed


1. In large saucepan over low heat, combine sugar, egg yolks, flour, pineapple juice and lemon juice. Stir and cook until thickened. Remove from heat.

2. While sauce is cooking, bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add pasta and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain and rinse with cold water.
3. In large bowl, combine cooked mixture with pasta and toss to coat thoroughly. Refrigerate 8 hours or overnight.
4. Toss pasta with pineapple, mandarin oranges, maraschino cherries, marshmallows and whipped topping. Refrigerate.

Now MY dessert is one we call GOUP! (pronounced goop). My Hawaii friends call it "Mormon Fluff Salad" And I think traditional Mormons simply call it fruit salad. Growing up we called it goup cuz we never knew the name for it and you just goup in on your plate. It's sugar shock heaven with all the flavor.

You need 2 cartons of whipped topping
2 pkgs of your favorite Jello. ( I like using the pineapples and orange flavors)
2 cartons of cottage cheese
couple cans of drained pineapple chunks
couple cans of drained Mandarin oranges.


1 Somewhat drain the cottage cheese so it doesn't have so much liquid on it.

Combine your containers of whipped topping and jello powder a large bowl.
Add cottage cheese, pineapple chunks, mandarin oranges.
Mix really well and refrigerate until thick and stiff.

When dessert comes around Goup it on your plates and enjoy.

** can be used with any flavor jello powder and fruit combinations
(peach and mango are my other favorites :)


On another hand, Mormons are particularly known for making Home made Ice cream, root beer, Bread, Freezer jam, and canning our own Salsa and tomato/spaghetti Sauces too from items we grown in our gardens. I thoroughly approve of such madness. It's cost effective and comes in very handy during the winter months. I dare say Utah alone keeps the GE Freezer company in business at LEAST for 2 financial quarter each year. Christmas traditions always consist of jars of homemade freezer jam, or a Canning jar with soup mix( just add water and meat), Cookie mix (just add butter and egg) and a bow tied nicely around the lid.

I must admit I've taken on the roll of making homemade treat baskets for Christmas. I like making the fudge, English toffee, sugar cookies, candy covered pretzels, Cinnamon rolls, french loaf breads and so on for the holiday season. I call it "Christmas Brunch in a basket"


Yup, we Mormons and our food traditions are something else. What I like about it is having the mind set to try different things and make it my own. I guess that's what Mormon cooking is all about. I've had jello cheese cake with strawberry jam on it masqueraded as Strawberry Cheese cake. I've had Dutch oven White cake (or Pillsbury Cinnamon rolls dough) and canned peaches masqueraded as peach cobbler. It's quite interesting to say the least. However you MUST admit pioneers knew how to make meals out of just about anything. Big Props for that, because when those hard times come again... and they will... you wont care if your peach cobbler is made from pop n fresh canned Cinnamon roll dough. You'll just praise the Lord and Pass the food. AMEN!

When Your Leaders Fall.

When your leaders fall you treat them as anyone one else who has fallen. You remember they, just like you, are human. You remind yourself that just as Jesus Christ has accounted for and paid for you, he has paid for them also and through his Atonement and his blood that was shed for each of us, they too will be justified.
You leave all unrighteous judgements to God the Father once again remembering that His Only Begotten Son, Jesus Christ is our mediator, our Savior. You ask for peace and comfort, give peace and comfort and continue to serve: AS I HAVE LOVED YOU, LOVE ONE ANOTHER.


I say these things today because I'm just getting home from church. If you were to read our ward bulletin today, it would look a little odd to you.

In the section where it says ward contacts you would see information about all the ward leadership starting with the 1st counselor of the bishopric. You would not see my bishop's name in that listing.
You would find his name on a different page announcing the times of his viewing and funeral.

On Thursday July 31, 2008, my bishop, using a gun, took his own life.

That's all I will say, without speculation, regarding his death.

I haven't been in this ward very long, just about 4 months. In that time, I've only met with the bishop 1 time. I've only talked to him twice.

Let me tell you what I know of him.

Saturday June 21, 2008. I'm sitting in a chapel in Midvale sobbing uncontrollably. My head is in some one's lap, I don't remember whose lap it was. There were arms around me, 2 people kneeling in front of me telling me to breath. I faintly hear... someone call the bishop. It may have been me, I'm not sure, that day is still foggy to me. All I know is I need help!
Within an hour I'm in a car headed to LDS Family Services...as an emergency trauma/crisis victim.
My bishop has just made an appointment for me on emergency status, and is paying for the charges from the ward fund for however long I need it.

Void of knowing who I am he is concerned for my welfare. I find out later that he was on the phone several times that day with my sister, and my other friends who were with me, making sure I was where I needed to be, comforted and safe. He would contact me in a couple days to follow up. The next 2 weeks for me were a blur. I would find out later, he called the Doctor I had seen several times, to be filled in on my treatments and how I was doing. He called my home as well, spoke to my sister to make sure I was progressing and doing well. He didn't want to interrupt my rest and would wait another week before actually speaking with me.
When I did meet with him, he showed so much kindness, support and love, for me, a member of his flock. Although he only knew me by name, He, my Shepherd tended me, his sheep as if he had known me since a little lamb of his own.

I think of the words from the hymn:
I stand All Amazed, 2ND vs:

" I marvel to that he would descend from his throne divine
to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine.
That he should extend his great love unto such as I
sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify."


Although his was not our savior Jesus Christ. He took on that roll as mediator, Shepherd and caretaker for me and hundreds of my ward brothers and sisters.
For this I am eternally grateful. Each time I step into my therapist office I give thanks to Bishop Williams for being one of my Shepherds at this time in my life when I need it.

God bless him and his family and Daybreak First Ward.

POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER

PTSD. I explained about a month ago of a situation that threw me into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I've also found out that a couple of you, my friends are or have gone through this thing as well.

It sucks, doesn't it? Yeah, it does.

I've since learned there are Physical effects to this as well as emotional and mental.

Most common is flu like symptoms: headache, body aches, upset stomach, fatigue. All part of it. I started working out last week to take care of some anxiousness I'd been feeling. Also to become "wedding dress" ready which is just an added bonus. Thursday I woke up sick, stiff and sore. Now I've been athletic most of my life and I recognize sore and stiffness from working out. I was also diagnosed with R.A about 12 years ago so I'm also familiar with aches and pains from that as well. But I tell you I was down for the count Thursday and Friday and not from any preexisting thing. I think I finally rolled out of bed for the day about 1:15 pm.

Saw there therapist Yesterday. I mentioned to her that I felt things were slow going. Friday, simply not a good day, I felt as if I were back in the first week of this whole happening thing. Here I thought I'd come so far and it pretty much felt like square one.
Apparently that's normal. And it will come in waves. 11 years of "stuff" takes time to surface and heal and it won't happen in 30 days. *sigh* Slow going. Everyone is different. Some people take months, others years. My progress is in the months category. I see the doctor twice a week instead of 3 times. Also on better weeks I see her once, and then call in to see if an additional appointment is needed. Most times it's not. For the most part what I'm learning is helping me in all aspects of life. Each time I have session, a situation approaches me soon after, sort of like... ok, you just leaned a productive way to deal with this, lets see ya practice it. It's kind of cool.

I've got oms pretty big steps to take the next 2 weeks. The Dr will be out of town for that time. I do have her # however if I need it. I'll probably not use it because I have a HUGE support group around me here. And I keep a notebook close to write things down to help me connect the dots and keep my train of thought.

What's funny in all this therapy stuff? There's a popular movie that came out a few years ago that I absolutely detest: "What About Bob."
Seriously something about that movie irks the crap outta me. Some days I feel like Bob. AUGH, there,I said it ICK... UGH! I dunno why, but that movie makes me wanna slap somebody.... ANYBODY. It had it's funny moment. I've only seen it once and never intend to have to see it again.

So anyway this whole thing reminds me of that movie sometimes, when I'm feeling extra needy or like I need a little more care than usual.
There are days like that. I'm not ashamed to say there are days when I don't know WHAT the heck is going on. This could not have happened at a more worse time: My daughter getting ready for college, exactly a month later I'm getting married. What a time for all hell to break loose. So when things seem a little off lately I am POSITIVE it's me and I'm ok with that.
Don't be afraid to tell me I'm not thinkin right or I sound crazy.... because as of late it's true. lol And I'm learning how to laugh at myself because I know it's not a permanent condition. And soon will be back to normal.... Ok... .well... MY version of normal.

Lets hope it NEVER gets to the point of anyone having to call me "Bob." If you do I might just haul off and smack you one! ;)

Who Are The Christians?

That's a serious question.... WHO ARE THE CHRISTIANS?

Then next question is...how do you represent?

If you were to tell no one of your belief in God the Eternal father, his only begotten son Jesus Christ and in the Holy Ghost, that holy spirit of promise, how would they know you represent?

Could people tell by the company you keep?
I used to hang around with some shady characters in some shady places. Although I may not have been doing shady things myself, no one would know. Sure no one should judge unrighteously, however, we are to make righteous judgements, that's called discernment.
Me sitting at a bar or with a buncha people cussing, swearing and the like is not a good representation of who I am or who I want to represent. It may be how some of my friends choose to represent themselves and there's nothing wrong with that. I simply choose to do it a different way.

Can people tell by the language I speak?
This is huge for me. I used to curse pretty bad and I had all these tactics to try and help. We had a cuss jar, where it cost me a buck to cuss. I then cost me a buck-fifty. When my brother was in the marines he was once told by his staff Sergent that I had a mouth as bad as any marine they had been around and that didn't even help.
What did help was this I read in one of the church magazines for the youth. The article was talking about bad language and said something to the effect of this:

The mouth we use, the tongue we speak with, it is the same mouth and tongue we pray with each morning and evening. It is the same mouth and tongue we praise our Lord with. It is the same lips we DARE ask for God to grant us comfort, peace and blessings. How can we dare use it for foul language.

It really struck me... how dare I use the same mouth to ask The Father for blessings to string obscenities and guile? I'm not saying I'm perfect in my speaking Those who know me know the story of me and the Scripture: Ephesians 4:29, 31-32. Elder Jeffery Holland spoke on such things in the April 2007 conference. I studied that talk all last year. I find myself needing to study it more. I want to represent in my speech.

Can you look at me and tell?
God's children comes in all shapes, sizes and colors. Amen! We most likely can't tell just by looking at people who they truly are and what they really believe. None of us have a sign on our forehead like an ingredient label of our contents and what's inside of us.
Are you supposed to be able to tell by my packaging? I'm not sure, I'm really not. I do know this.
Do we represent who we are in a modest, respectful, clean manor? Or are we the representation of the hottest hip hop song talking 'bout thuggin, saggin, droppin it like it's hot and shakin it like a salt shaker?
I don't want to represent with booty shorts on and half of my rear end hanging out of my clothes. Nor do I want to represent with my cleavage overly exposed and clothes so tight, short or scanty that the world knows my body as well as I do. I don't mind being modest. I appreciate my daughter sharing those same attitudes she always was a pretty modest kid. Not all compliments are respectful and uplifting and most times it intention is how we choose to present ourselves. I'd rather present myself to the world as a woman of God. And reserve showing my body for my husband at appropriate times in appropriate places.

Can you tell by what I'm listening too? Music has always been a big thing for me in terms of what is blaring out of my speakers. I've never really cared too much for song with questionable lyrics. No I don't listen to gospel or christian music all the time 24/7. But I'm very careful about the songs I do listen to especially lately. I used to rationalize in my teenage years "I'm just listening to the music and not paying attention to the words." And I used to believe that.
One day I found myself singing "sexual healing" on the way to church. Don't get me wrong... I LOVED that song, I still do. However sometimes that song pops in my head at the most inopportune times. It reminds me of when my daughter was about a year and half, singing bohemian rhapsody in church. Hilarious!
We can all say to some degree "They don't make music like they used to" and we would all agree. Can I just say, I'm sick of the lyrics with all the sexual innuendos, disrespect of women and their bodies, pimps, hoes, and such. Exactly who/what does such music represent? And who are we to promote it?
There's plenty of great music out there without all that other mess. I've several friends who have what they call "Sunday music." Radio music is not Sunday music according to them. My mom used to say if you can't listen to it on Sunday, you prolly shouldn't be listening to it. It was her way of saying be careful what you're listening too, you are the same person Monday -Saturday that you are on Sunday. Basically choose music that is uplifting and joyful... not particularly only religious, although that's good other days as well.

Can you tell by the media I support?
Can someone give me a good reason as to why I should support movies with foul language, violence, sexual content and so on? Just like music, there's plenty of good shows/movies out there that don't focus on these kinds of things. I really don't enjoy them or how they make me feel. I remember going to the movies to see Harlem nights. I laughed my butt off in that movie. And when I thought back on the movie was feeling that if they took out all the swearing, it wouldn't have been as funny. And I sort of felt like I needed to adjust my attitudes and lifestyles to more uplifting and wholesome entertainment.

Article of Faith # 13:
13 W believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

Can you tell by my actions?
The world is familiar with "What would Jesus Do?" WWJD?
If everyone followed WWJD? Then we could all follow up with DJWW. That's right Devil Just Won't Win.
I learned early on how to serve others. I love doing it. Random Act of Kindness. Anonymous acts of Kindness. Even stupid things that people wouldn't even notice really.... like taking the shopping carts into their stall instead of leaving it in my parking spot. I like being kind. I like helping others to a point.
I detest selfishness and self serving people. People who always expect to get and never really give of themselves.
Matthew 25:40 And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren ye have done it unto me.
Do our actions represent who we are and what we stand for?


I'm having issues with what to believe or trust. If people aren't consistent in word and deed Do we trust what people say or do we trust what they do? It is not enough to say we believe in God and are followers of Jesus Christ. Our words and actions must reflect it as well. It is not enough to say we believe in God and are followers of Jesus Christ. Our words and actions must reflect it as well.

Do we even follow the basics?

When moses came down from the mountains and found his people dancing and worshipping false idols he broke the stone tablets. He went back up the mountain and came back with the basic 10 commandments we can't even keep today.

Something as simple as using the Lord's name in vain. To me, something as simple as "OH MY G--" would be taking the Lord's name in vain. It's not cussing or blasphemy but is there a need for us to use the Lord's name so casually and out side of praise or prayer? Meh, not really.

Even something as simply as keeping the Sabbath Holy. That means 100 different things to 100 different people. For 6 days we labor in the fields or at our jobs taking care of our the needs for ourselves, our body our atmosphere. The Lord asks for 1 day a week that we worship and remember him. One day of 6. He ask that we not work nor cause anyone else to work when possible. It should be a day to rest from our weekly physical labors and to feed our spirit, study our scriptures visit families or those who could use uplifting of the spirit. Most of the time we can't even do that.

Sum it up in Modern Terms:

Does your face book or myspace page represent you as a christian?

I had to throw that in. I've been sought out by a lot of folks on these things who start off by telling me they're a good christian man looking for a good christian woman. Then I look at their profile and see NOTHING that would support their claims. Every once in a while they might quote some scripture or mention a belief in God or the creator and then quote the philosophies of man mingles with scripture to make is sound good. I'm finding a lot of Closet Christians which is scary to me. When we start hiding who we really are or claim to be, then who we don't want to become starts to show up and take over.

Active Christians should be like Active Marines. Marines get paid by the hour so they're paid 24 hours a day because they don't stop being Marines when they're sleep or out of uniform or off base or away from military personnel.

Christians should be the same way.... we don't stop being christian because we aren't in a church or are away from the congregation or because the people around us aren't representing.

So again I ask... Who are the Christians? How do we know? What will you do from this day forward to represent?


" Live your life so those who don't know Jesus will learn of him because they know you"

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.

I believe that quote with all my heart. If I didn't believe it I'm sure I'd be in an state hospital some place.
The last 7 days have been some of the toughest I've experienced ever and I've had some pretty tough experiences.
Without going into too much detail I'll get to it.

About eleven years ago I experienced a situation that had a profound effect on me. For the most part i dealt with it in generally a quick manner and put it behind me. Last Friday a sort of recurrence of that situation happened. I spent last Saturday in an emergency crisis center. I don't remember too much of Saturday or even Sunday for that matter. But I remember a bunch of big words and Initials being thrown around that I couldn't grasp.

I have since learned the words Post traumatic Stress Disorder aka PTSD is what they were saying and I was suffering from it and shock. For those of you who don't know, Post traumatic stress disorder is comparable to what war vets experience as "shell shock" or "flash backs." It's as if although they're living in today but their memory treats it as if they are still in the moments of the trauma, and they are experiencing it as if time stood and they are in the midst of it.
No one, I don't care who you are or how strong you think you are, likes to hear they have some sort of disorder or dysfunction. My moment of truth was in the midst of my hysterics I was so physically weak and out of it, I can remember laying down in some one's lap or in some one's arms and simply not having the physical strength to sit up and not remembering who was around me or how I got there. I KNEW I NEEDED HELP, there was no doubts and no denying it.

I never thought PTSD would or could be associated with me. For eleven years I stuffed down the fear, anger shock and all else that came with situation thinking I was putting it behind me.
Much of the weekend is a blur. Within the weekend there were moments of darkness, loneliness, fear, pain, and confusion. I'm still having trouble "connecting all the dots" so to speak. I even suffered a little set back yesterday reminding me to slow down and take it easy so I can properly heal from the trauma. And that's what I'm doing.
What I'm drawn to most over the weekend and this week as well is the overwhelming support of family, friends and loved ones.
I have felt the love, the strength and the support. Although I may never get last weekend back into my memory, I have felt deep inside of me being carried by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
About 13 years ago I was under a dark cloud. I received a beautiful blessing from my home teacher at the time and I will never forget the words: 'Those who are close to you are being protected and guarded by your angels for your benefit." At the time I wasn't sure what that meant. But before the end of the day one of my close friends who was actually out of town on business called me twice that evening. The first time she called she said she was out of town and just felt like she wanted to call and say "hi." The second time she called on the break from her business meeting and said she didn't know why she needed to call and didn't' care why, but she felt so strongly she needed to check up on my and just let me know she loved me and I was in her prayers. I realized what the line in that blessing meant.

I experienced much of that this last week. I heard from several friends who had no knowledge of what I was experiencing. Just "out of the blue" (if you believe in out of the blue ;) many of them simply said
"You're in my prayers, I'm thinking of you, just wanted you to know that"

I had a conversation a while ago with one of my friends who told just in passing,
"hey I was thinking of you the other day..."
and I said..
"why didn't you let me know at the time, I probably needed to hear it then at the time."

And then i said..
"why do we do that? When people are on our minds we either ignore it or tell them after the fact instead when it happens which is probably when they needed to know the most."

He was one of those I heard from this week, he said since that conversation he's decided to let people know when he's thinking of them. I so appreciate him and his following those promptings.

So to all of you who followed those promptings, there is not enough thanks in my heart to express how much it meant hearing from you during this time.


There are times in our lives when we experience trauma and heartache. Most of us don't get the counseling we need in situations such as this because we feel strong and brave and don't want to think there's something wrong with us, or our thinking. That stuff may go away, for a while but it never disappears. It will surface if not properly dealt with. What's frightening is that we cannot choose the time or circumstances under when it will surface again. Don't be afraid or too proud to get counseling or help if you need it. Even if you don't think you need it, it doesn't hurt to talk to someone, get your thoughts and feelings out. Your bishop, pastor, priest, minister or whomever is a good resource to start with. LDS Social Services will also accept anyone, you don't have to be a church member to use this resource.


I'm not sure how long this road is I've got to walk. I am walking it willingly. I'm walking it thoroughly. And I'm not walking it alone, which is so comforting. I can feel many of you walking it with me, holding me up when I'm to weak to hold myself up. In the midst of my confusion on Saturday I was given a blessing. I don't remember much of it, but I do remember afterwards there were arms around me holding me together so I would not fall apart. And then away I was whisked to the trauma crisis center.
Sometimes I laugh most of the day and sometimes I cry most of the day. I've been sleeping ALOT, it feels like more than I've ever slept before. Which isn't a bad thing. lol

My therapist is awesome. I get to reinforce comfort, security and happiness with all my favorite foods, movies, music, and things to do like shopping, drawing, writing and Raggedy Ann and Andy. (Raggedy Ann and Andy were my favorite FAVORITE thing in childhood. I'm surrounded by 5 of them now :). There is no such thing as TOO MANY RAGGEDY ANNs or ANDYs!

Anyway, the shock is wearing off. I'm slowing connecting the dots from the weekend and there are days I'm all me and days I'm a zombie.

But I keep saying a couple things over and over in my head when I feel that anxiety coming on:

'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
"If God brings you to it, he will lead you through it."