Tuesday, October 23, 2007

My Life Really IS Like a Corn Maze


That link is from my main blog about a really fun time this weekend. I spent Saturday night running through a corn maze and it was awesome.

Some events happened just before the outing and it was quite upsetting to me. I pushed them to the back of my mind for the evening and let the good times roll. Because I knew the next day, Sunday, would be hard to handle when reality hit.

I got home about midnight Saturday night. I was cold, wet, tired and achy. The last 4 hours had been so awesome. SO AWESOME and filled with so much laughter and love and just good old healthy fun! The 40 minute drive home gave my mind time to settle down and think of the earlier events. Tears began to roll down my face. I got home and jumped right into bed hoping sleep would come. We were to take a road trip to Idaho and would be leaving in just few hours. It had been a weird night. I Just lay in bed and sleep never came. Hour after hour after hour I just laid there thinking of trying to figure out how to stop thinking.

Some where around 7:am I dozed off. When I stirred, the clock said 7:43. I spent most of the night going over the passed few years in my head: Mistakes I've made, things I shoulda, woulda, coulda done and didn't do. I had let an ocean of things built up over the years and the damn was no longer holding them back. I had to open the gates or drown. I could not live another day with all of this inside of me. These things had been heavy on my mind for a couple of weeks and I couldn't live another day feeling this way.
I wanted to talk things out but that didn't work. As a matter of fact trying to talk went drastically wrong and was getting worse. So I removed myself from the equation.

I needed to purge, So I started writing. I wrote for 3 and half hours straight. When I finished I had before me 22 pages front and back of doubts, mistrust and insecurities. TWENTY TWO PAGES!
Shame on me for holding so much inside and letting it build up to a point where I couldn't control how it was expressed.

For some reason my mind went back to the night before... in the corn maze.

We entered at our own risk. It was muddy, slippery, wet, cold and yucky and as a group we were slipping and sliding all over the place. It was fun and exciting with it's elements of dangers. Some things I didn't like right off but felt I could handle things and it would be alright. Sometimes when we slipped someone in our group would hold their hands out to catch each other. And other times when we felt like we were going down, we would drop our hand and let the other person stumble around on their own. Sometimes it was because we knew they could recover and it would build their confidence. Other times it was for selfish reasons; We let go because we were too concerned about protecting ourselves and looking bad from falling, letting the other person fall and look bad instead.

The mud was really thick and heavy. As we walked it accumulated on our shoes and our steps became slow and heavy slowing down our progress. From time to time our progress would literally stop. The mud would hold our shoes glued to the ground and we could not lift our legs to walk until we cleaned it off. There were times when the accumulation of mud was so heavy that the weight of gravity would cause it to drop off. Other times when we walked you could feel heavy drop of mud on the back of your leg from its accumulation of each footstep. And sometimes the mud would be so strong that you would lift up your foot, but your shoe would stay stuck the ground.

Although there was great fun through out the night, eventually the simple process of walking became a chore. Eventually we grew tired and weary. We found ourselves walking and progressing for what felt like hours only to end up where we were 20 minutes before. Then we'd try a different direction and still end up in the same place we were an additional 20 minutes later. Frustration sets in and you kick into survival mode. Sometimes you're in survival mode for minutes and sometimes you're in survival mode for years. Although we had a map to guide us around the maze, when we did pull it out, we were lost and had no idea where we were. Following the map from the beginning and consulting it often would have kept us on track.

From time to time we would see an employee walking around making sure all things were OK within the maze. When we were having fun and all was well, we disregarded them and barely acknowledge them. But when we were finally cold, tired, hungry and in need of help we were happy to pay them attention and readily asked for their immediate assistance. And they were eager and happy to guide us to our desired destination.

Over the last few years my life has felt like that corn maze.

I willingly make choices that are fun, exciting, with it's elements of danger and I think I can handle it. These situations can be such that it leads me to a shaky, slippery foundation that may often cause me to fall. And while those around me waiver or succumb to the things that I may not typically indulge sometimes we catch each other, and other times we don't while trying to protect ourselves from hurt or embarrassment.

Our journey most always will accumulate mud and muck and other garbage and baggage that will slow us down and if we continued to ignore it and don't clean it up or clear it out, it can halt our progress. If we don't do that which is needed to keep the mud off we can remain stuck.

By not following the maps or guidelines or council we have readily available through prayer, scripture reading, and other daily maintenance type things, we may find ourselves running in circles into the same unresolved issues time after time after time.

When things are fun and happy and going well, we don't pay too much attention to those who are placed here to aide us.

It is only when we finally are so tired, frustrated, angry, hurt and weary and realize that our effort alone are not enough to take us from this place we've ventured into that we humble our selves, and ask the one who can guide us, and sometimes carry us out of our mess to stable, dry ground.

By letting the mud accumulate over the years and not taking the proper steps needed to cleanse it away I have been trudging in unresolved paths. In doing so my mud has effected not only myself but those around me, those close to me. It's been a difficult lesson for me to learn. At the risk of losing some precious treasures, I hope it is truly learned.

My friends:
Use good judgement.
Uplift yourself and be considerate, kind and uplifting to others.
Clean up your mud before it accumulates, weighs you down and halts your progression.
Use your maps and other instructions so you don't get frustrated and desperate on the path.
Know where and who your guides are and stay close to them, have faith in them.

most important.... Heavenly Father is your wing man.


Anonymous said...

I just spent the last 3 hours reading your blog laughing and crying. You don't know me from Adam... or Eve but I can feel of your spirit.
Your last last blog made me really sad :( 22 pages is quite a bit of rubbish to be holding in. It sounds like you were able to take out the trash so to speak.

I hope you can find a way to mend whatever needs mending. (The last thing at the bottom of your blog does say: "no matter what, forgive"
Sometimes we may never know the good effects we have on the lives of others and that's sometimes hard to take.
You have impacted my life for the good with your thoughts and words. Good Luck!

ShaBANG said...

Thank you for your kind words they were uplifting. As for the mending: I may have gone too far in my unloading for that, I fear I may have cause some hurt beyond repair I've forgiven pretty much as soon as I got it all out of my system. Hopefully in time I can be forgiven and an even greater friendship can be born. Time will tell I guess.
Thanks again :)

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