Sunday, January 17, 2010

You Can't Hang Up On Jesus...But He'll HOLD For You

This morning I'm waking up and hoping yesterday was just a bad dream. Guess what? Yesterday was real,no bad dream. It has been the best week. And the worse week. No one has died or gotten physically hurt or anything like that. Just a couple of little devastations. You get enough of the little one's hitting you all at once and it wears down a soul, know what I mean.

How we react to the devastations or upsets that invade our lives is really important.
I think the following reactions we should get passes on:
I don't see anything wrong with shutting down for a few minutes, I'd rather shut down in silence, then lash out and say or do something I'll regret later.

Asking Questions.
If someone imposes some kind of pain or hurt or betrayal on you YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK QUESTIONS to help your healing being.

The other day my cousin posted some that said "Crying is just liquid prayers." I have to give my AMEN to that.

There comes a time (several times) in our lives where we have the opportunity to show ourselves who we really and truly are. Those moments also define who we may become and if we will further grow as a Child of God. When those choices come do we get frightened and revert back to the comfort of who we are, or do we take that step of faith toward the greater version of us. I dare say we typically revert back to the comfort.

When those choices come, sometimes the choice is automatic. Sometimes there is soul searchings. Often times you just aren't ready. It feels too soon, too hard, too whatever. Knowing yourself is knowing what governs those decisions, it could very well be too soon, too hard, too whatever. Knowing that is a good thing.

So Yesterday, January 16th was from hell. *cha-ching* (That was a quarter going into my cuss jar. Typically "hell" is the word I give myself a pass on, depending on how I use it. But to be fair I wanted y'all to know I'm not trying to justify it).I haven't had a day like that since I was in the shadows of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder summer of 2008. So, Yes I had bit of a ptsd relapse yesterday. Noticed the symptoms, recognized the trigger, left the situation. Drove around for an hour before I Could remember what I wanted to do after I left the situation, then came home and crashed.
Bodies react differently to emotional/mental trauma. In my heightened state of over alertness and anxiety, my body requires sleep. anywhere from 2-12 hours. What happens in between is kind of like a dream. I remember parts and bits of it but am not sure if it's real.
So in my state of sleep I was having a text conversation with someone and got some devastating news. I guess in my state of mind I figured this is a dream so I don't have to worry too much about it now. (has anyone ever done that? recognize you're in a dream and just brush things off because it's not real anyway? You totally can control some things in your dreams, it's really cool when it happens).
I slept for HOURS I tell you!
Woke up about 5 this morning feeling drained.
Thinking yesterday was just a bad dream. Im laying quietly in bed and my cell phone alert goes off. I have a text! I pick up the phone... I have a lot of Texts. I turned in pretty early yesterday so thats not surprising. As Im rolling through them I have at least 100 TEXTS easily read and Unread. From about 1:30 Yesterday afternoon til about about 6 this morning with a break between 11:30pm and 4:30am. Don't you people ever sleep? HAHA~
Since texting is for entertainment purposes and quick communications for important conversations I will call or meet with someone face to face.
I guess in my state of mind yesterday I didn't clue into reality. I have the very long and very important 3 hour long conversation via text. So that bad dream I was hoping yesterday indeed reality.

I'm needing to recover from one situation *ptsd* before starting to recover from the other situation. The other situation will take some soul searching. Some of that deep down in the basement, through the cobwebs in the dark corner soul searching.
In the meantime. What have we always been taught to do?
Now if you're hearing the theme song in my head right now... it sounds like
"When Dove's Cry" by Prince.
In reality it's "PRAY" by MC-Hammer: We got to pray just to make it today" Right?
I think for a few minutes.
Then I picked up the Prayer phone in my mind.
The operator answered... "Jesus on the main line...TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT!"

I lost my voice. Didn't know what to pray for. Mind went blank, heart went numb. What do I do... WHAT DO I DO????
"well you can't hang up on Jesus!" I said to myself.

"Ummm... JESUS? Can I put you on hold until my head is clear...?"
I found myself saying.
"I am in SUCH trouble now!"
I said to myself.
To my surprise the answer was
"I'll be here waiting when you are ready, in the meantime I'll send down some of my crew to watch over you."
"uh..ok, thanks." And I hung up.


I think I have Jesus on hold.
I have A LOT of nerve. But what a blessing to know that when I am ready, when I am clear, when I can come to him in better condition, I can pick that main line back up and talk to the Father. And he will listen. And although he may not give me what I want. He will give me what I need and that is the better blessing. What more can I ask for?
I better let y'all go. I'm headed to the cellar of my soul to do some searching. HEY? Is that YOUR main line ringing? Be blessed!


Sista Laurel said...

Amen! Great thoughts, way to break it down. I need to pay attention to when I'm putting Jesus on hold.

stacer said...

Been catching up on your blog and just saw this, and it's what I've needed to hear. Thanks, as always. :) Miss you!

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