Thursday, September 6, 2007
I collect journals. I have lots of them. Some are half written, some are blank and some are full. Each depicts some sort of stage in my life. I made the mistake of sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor and going through them as I was cleaning my room. My room is still a mess, but I feel good after reading and waxing nostalgic. I came across a passage dated
9/15/96: "My daughter started gymnastics today. She's terrible at it but had the greatest time. She was so determined to do a cartwheel that she cried when I pulled her in at 9pm to eat dinner and go to bed. I think I've lost some of that kind of determination to accomplish my goals"
This is helping me be more determined and committed to the goals I've made for myself this year.
A quote from President Howard W. Hunter:
Mend a quarrel
seek out forgotten friends
dismiss suspicion and replace with trust
write a letter, give a soft answer
Manifest your loyalty in words & deed
keep a promise
Forgo a grudge, forgive an enemy, apologize
try to understand
examine your demands on others
think first of someone else
be kind, be gentle
Laugh a little more
Express your gratitude, welcome a stranger
Gladden the heart of a child
Take pleasure in the Beauty and wonder of the earth
Speak your love
and then speak it again."
I actually cried when I read this tonight. It's so difficult when you feel like you're bending for others most of the time and ready to break. In reality, others are bending for you and you just don't always know it. The good thing is, God made us "bendable" and we will NOT break. We should seek to always bend for each other.
Which brings me to A quote in this year's Journal Entry. It's from my General Conference Journal. Jeffery R. Holland spoke on "Having the Tongue of Angels."
"Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity."
And he Quoted Ephesians 4:29-32:
"let no corrupt communication proceed from your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace to the hearers.
And grieve not the holy spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking be put away from you with all malice.
And be ye kind to one another , tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."
I started working on this about a week ago. You know when you set yourself up to make changes, REAL changes, everything that can tempt your determination about that change will come up. And so it has with me. I'm quick to find fault and point out how I feel and why I'm angry and such. So I took some time out last week to sit and contemplate how to do set about this change. And low and behold, last Sunday, something happened that pissed me off. I was furious. But instead of doing my normal thing which would be to "bless someone out" as my grandfather would say. I chose to be silent. I keep thinking of Bambi... if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. So I figure with the way I can go off.. the less said the better, keep it short and as nice as I can at the moment and it will be better than the norm. I know there's a balance in there somewhere and finding it will be the key. Is silence better than a whipping tongue? I know it will take time because to be able to master this, it comes with changing the thought process, which comes about when there's a change in the heart. This won't happen over night I've got to be consistant. I'm screaming on the inside and hurt, but I can't feed into it.
Heaven Help ME! LOL.
Another journal entry :
November 13, 1996
Reality check: If I went back home today would The Father be proud of what I've accomplished? Am I ready to go home today? How am I preparing my life to be when I return? When I get home, where will I end up?
ACK! What would happend if I didnt wake in the morning? What have I set myself up to do and where am I placing myself to be in the eternities? None of us are promised tomorrow.
Ok last journal entry, and it's not really an entry. I have a "family history journal" which is more in the form of a scrapbook. I cracked that baby open tonight and flipped through the pages: My younger brothers wedding program, my family pedigree chart, Some family pictures, passages on places I've lived and things I liked to do at the time.
I turned a page and there it was.. a pictures of this pretty young woman with the Jordon River Temple behind her. There was a pink card next to the pictures with the words written:
"Own Endowment 16, May, 1992" With my name written across the card. Underneath is a picture of the Savior and the quote:
"I will not forget thee, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands." Isaiah 49:15-16
The feelings of that day came over me in a rush. The excitement, the anticipation. The shock of actually believing I made it to this point after all the mistakes I'd managed to make in my life at that point. I remember how nervous I wasn't. How calm and at peace I was on that day. I floated. I laughed, I was soo happy. I felt so loved and adored by all my friends who were with me that day. I was committed to the convenants I had just made. The world felt right, the people in my life felt right and we were all seamless unto each other and the father. I was able to live how Elder Holland was asking us to live. I was focused on who and what things were important and everything else didn't matter. There was no petty fighting, arguments or even desires to criticize anyone, because there was no need. We were all too busy supporting and uplifting one another. As I recall this went on for at least a couple of years, this happiness. I guess as time goes on we stop doing those little things that we don't think will matter but now, looking back make all the difference in the world. I remember the things I was doing at that time. Thing so simple. So easy. So simple and easy that omitting them didn't seem like a big deal. Well it is a big deal. I recall that same happiness I felt on May 16, 1992 came to me again in abundance May 10, 2007. And here it is Sept 6, 4 months later and the little things have slipped again... and my world seem out of whack, just that quickly.
I spent some time last week in silence and fasting in prayer. Shoot, I spent the first 3 days of this week the same way. Things are slowly coming back to a point of focus. Reading my journals tonight, made some things crystal clear. With Clerity come knowledge and if you don't act on that knowledge, then WO UNTO YOU! It's been the best therapy, these journals, and it's free. Not only is it free it comes from those who know me best: Myself and The Father
Write Journals, it's great therapy. And then go back and read them from time to time, they truly are some of the worlds best text book into your life.