I Fell In Love In Hawaii!

It had been a whirlwind week!

The moment for my even being in Hawaii was at hand. The marriage of one of my best friends in the Laie Hawaiian temple. It had been a beautiful week. I knew I would have fun and this really was the trip of a life time. Not because it was beautiful Hawaii but because it changed my life.

A couple of weeks before going I took some down time away from friends and family. I asked myself some serious questions about my life- where I was and what I was doing in comparison to where I wanted to be. What I really wanted was to put some thought into how I was going to achieve the things I really desired. I felt going on this vacation was would help bring clarity and the opportunity to contemplate and focus on these things so when I returned to Utah I would be headed in a specific direction and working toward new goals.

I had asked the Lord to show me those things I desired and to give me the knowledge I needed to accomplish them.

Being with Lori and her family was an amazing experience. Every time they met, each family member was greeted with a hug and kiss. From oldest down to youngest, Grandma, Uncle, brothers, sisters, niece, nephews and cousins. It didn't matter that they saw each other every day at school, or in the store or whatever. Even their words of discipline, when needed were filled with care and respect. Saying goodbye was the same way and very genuine.

Watching Lori and her fiance gave me perspective on relationships and communicating. Recently, I've been upset with myself and this lashing tongue I have always getting me into trouble and fights. In April 2007 General conference Elder Jeffery R Holland spoke on "speaking with the tongue of angels." There's been very few weeks that have gone by that I've not read or listened to that talk since April and I still was not doing very well with my goal.

She and I had many great talks about her new family situation. This was not going to be easy for her and I was able to have a first hand experience of what lies ahead of her. I've seen how my "ghetto Island twin" turned handling anger, hurt and disappointment into something more peaceful and tolerable. It touched my very soul. I knew if SHE could do it, I could as well.

Although Lori was getting married, I felt like a Hawaiian princess- her family and friends, family and friends I had known for years but never met, showed me such love and respect. So did strangers on the island. I came to believe I was actually worthy of it. If I could sum up my trip in 3 words it would be: Love, Laughter, and Family togetherness. Because that's what we did the whole week.

The morning of the wedding I was overcome with so much love and joy for Lori and Ben. I felt as if I would burst open and just spill that love over to everyone around me like a volcano. I can remember few times when I felt so much joy and wanted to share all of it.

After the ceremony I walked around the temple grounds and feelings of familiarity came over me- the ceremonies held within, The sacred words and promises we speak inside, the feelings of peace, security and timelessness. Feelings of eternity washed over me.

Although I was looking at myself outside through the reflection of the lobby door I saw myself dressed in white. Those I have always loved and come to love were by my side in the reflection. I looked at a woman in the reflection surrounded by her friends and family and felt an overwhelming love and respect I had never known.

I loved her Mocha skin and her curly, braided hair. Her brown eyes and full lips. Even the scars across her eyebrows. The span of her hips and her ample breast. The woman in the reflection smiled back at me as if to say "welcome, we've been waiting for you!" 40 years. Its' taken me 40 years to find the proper love and respect for this woman.

That experience happened 2 weeks ago today.

Coming back home to Utah was difficult. I've felt differently about myself, the people around me and some of the things around me as well.

Some people I've known for years were like strangers to me.

Certain people and things don't feel right any more. They don't fit into my life while others seem to find a place to be drawn within me automatically.

The contemplating I did while in away caused me to struggle the first week I was home. I did a self imposed isolation. Not yet knowing where to go, what to do and how to even began gave me tear filled days and nights. There were times when I would be at work and have to rush to restroom to collect and compose myself before I could continue with the day. I thought I would have a nervous breakdown. I was confused and my heart felt as if it were mourning for those things and people I knew I would need to part with. I wasn't sure who or what I would be allowed to keep when the smoke cleared so I stayed clear of everyone I could.

This lasted until just a week ago. By the time last Saturday night came I was so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. There was no more fight in me. I slept hard.

My dreams were like a book of knowledge being opened and presented before me.

I was taken back to certain situations I had already lived. But I saw them differently then I lived them. A knowledge of truth manifested itself in those situations. I was able to see them in full clarity, intention and purpose. I saw the reasons behind what I could not understand while actually living the experience. With that I heard my own harsh and stinging words lash out at others based on my own limited knowledge of what i assumed the situation to be. It was not pretty. I felt the hurt and pain I put others through with my lashing tongue.

I saw the people I loved turn and walk away, not because I was not worthy of their love as I had assumed, but because I couldn't see or appreciate the love they'd given me. I focused on the lack of what I was feeling, not by them, but because I didn't have within what I was requesting from everyone else. It is very unloving to ask others to give you something you do not give yourself. I pushed people away with my attitudes and hardness and stinging words and actions.

My inability to love myself caused me to turn away everyone Else's efforts and attempts to love and support me.

When I woke up last Sunday morning my mind and heart were crystal clear. As I went to church Sunday and walked into Relief Society I felt that love I had in Hawaii. The lesson in Relief Society was... "The Tongue Of Angels" by Elder Jeffery R Holland. I smiled and wiped a way a small tear. If you don't think Heavenly Father knows exactly what we need and the times we need it, think again. If he knows when every leaf on a tree falls, he certainly knows every detail of our lives and exactly what we need.

I remembered the woman in the reflection of the temple doors just a week prior. She was waiting 40 years to take her rightful place. And so she has. I fell in love in Hawaii. I fell in love with me.

"His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches over me."