Yesterday we laid my stepmother to rest. She was married to my father for 15 years. They divorced 4 years ago and she took back her maiden name.
All week I've been able to maintain composure even during the service. Maybe partly because everything regarding her life and death was referring to her was in her full given name. We referred to her by her middle name with our last name. I just called her "Mama J."
Mama J was diagnosed with cervicle cancer I believe it was 2006. She improved greatly for a couple of years and them the disease slowly wrecked its havock. Easter Sunday would be her last day on this sphere. she passed 2am Monday Morning.
I recieved the news about 9:30am. That evening my brother, sister and I went to the home of my step sister to help with anything they would need.
It was a painful and rough passing for Mama J. Hours of agitation and discomfort. It was heartbreaking to hear. But such a relief to know she is shed of a body that's held her back from progressing any more in this life.
I spent most of the week doing my typical daily routines. Friends and co workers quietly voiced their concern in my quiet trance-like manner many inquiring why I was even at work this week.
I know myself pretty well. I was numb. Didn't know what I was feeling or how to feel. I've never had a parent pass before. I knew I was on auto pilot. Than means my mind has shelfed the issue until further notice to deal with at a different time. When the time comes the switch will be tripped and I'll know it because my emotion will be in control and I'll have no choice bit to submit to them.
After the funeral yesterday we had a celebration of life gathering. My step sisters set up a display table of pictures and items in her life that meant so much to her: everything from her horse saddle and boots down to her reading glasses.
My step sisters really did an amazing job on everything.
Towards the end of the display table were her scriptures that held her known name and our family surname.
It was a reality switch. It was as if everything I've learned of the Gospel and had been feeling that week fell upon me like an avalanche.
Me: Inconsolable for a good 30 minutes.
My daughter took me to a side room where my emotions had it out with themselves. I .WAS.SO.MAD!!!!
I'M STILL MAD.
Not at God for calling her home.
I'm mad she and my father divorced in what seemed like her greatest time of need. It was disappointing and embarrasing to me. Some of us kids felt the relationship could have easily been repaired. We also understand we have limited knowledge and insite. Regardless of their issues we still regard them as family. Our parents are still sealed for eternity.
I'm mad because I think the immediate years , months and days before her passing could have been so much easier for her were she and my father still together. I could be totally wrong and off base In my thinking. I'm willing to be wrong.
While in the room my father came in and sat with me as I sobbed those gut wrenching sobs. He spoke some words I don't really remember but I'm sure will come back to me. I do recall him saying
"She was very vocal about the things she wanted. She didn't express a desire to initiate a temple seperation and I was not going to. I believe the issues we couldn't work out on this side of the veil will be worked out on the other."
I'm extremely happy Mama J is kicking it up with her parents, older brother, and many other family members including those from my father's side that are meeting for the first time.
I'm grateful for the knowledge that we are blessed on the other side of life to be reunited with those we love and that some of the issues we can't resolve in this side of life will indeed be resolved on the otherside.
* I suggest if at all possible to work it out on this side so you can be about a peaceful eternity*