Thursday, March 10, 2011

Im DONE Wondering If The Lord Loves Me.

Done! Finished! NO MORE!
I have been physically ill since Thanksgiving. I've had an upper respiratory virus that lasted 2 weeks, laryngitis 2 weeks after that a month later back at the doctors because my ears felt blocked and were itching. They cleaned them out, I believe the exact wording was "they're pristine! No infection, no problems. But in their cleaning they gave me motion sickness so badly I had to lie down in the Dr's office for an hour before going home. They gave me an RX for the itching irritation and the Motion Sickness.Exactly 1 week later I was back in the Dr's office with an outer and inner ear infection. I rec'd an RX for antibiotic and different drops. If you're keeping track that brings us to February.

2nd week in February I have an appointment with my new rheumatologists. I've been feeling out of remission for about a year. called for an appt in October, they couldn't get me in until Jan. A week before my appt, they sent me a notice my appointment has been bumped back a month. When it finally did arrive they Took 8 Xrays of my hands and feet and sucked 14 vials of blood from me. FOURTEEN!
Talk about exhaustion.
10 days later
Presidents weekend I dragged my daughter,her best friend, my sister, sister in law and favorite person to Vegas for a late celebration of my daughter's 21st birthday. Awesome weekend. AWESOME. 3 hours after getting home I found myself in my bathroom with the newest version of the viral stomach flu. It was fast and furious:

"intense muscle aches, cramps and chills which precede nausea, abdominal pain, vomiting and/or diarrhea. Vomiting and diarrhea usually temporarily relieve the nausea and pain."
I had all of the above. ALL OF IT. To the tune of losing 10 lbs in 24 hours. TYPICALLY it lasts 1-10 days. This week is the first week in 10 days I've been able to have 2 meals in a row w/o feeling sick or running to the bath room with the poop soup. 1 day into the stomach virus I began to get a raised itchy rash from waist to toes. Day 2 of the stomach virus I got a stiff neck that is still giving me a slight problem (hard to drive when your neck doesn't turn all the way.

Now also keep in mind my Immune system is shot from a PTSD Breakdown almost 3 years ago.So Mentally, emotionally and socially I've been ill for almost 3 years. According to research (and my therapist/doctor) that can last 5-11 years. That's right, up to 11 years with a weakened Immune system. I have been sick more in the last 3 years (including the swine flu and pneumonia for the first time ever) than in the last 15 years.

During the deepest times of the PTSD I lost my memory and still haven't retained it for half of 2008. It effects my ability to retain memory. I put on quite a bit of weight that I'm slowly working off ( that flu virus helped) The bishop you got me the help I needed the day of my break down and the couple weeks after committed suicide behind our church buildings a month after my break down and now I have hard time being in church buildings. When I do go I'm so anxious and jumpy I haven't really paid attention to anything and am trying to figure out how to avoid elderly men (which is who caused the the ptsd in the first place.)

It has been a tough, tough, tough 2 3/4 years;
Can I just tell you during all this time... even when I was curled up in fetal position on my couch waking long enough to cry and eat and then sleep again for the first 2 month, I have NEVER felt alone or abandoned by my Heavenly Father.
Not once did I feel alone. I knew and have always known it was going to be a long and tough healing process. I knew this road was going to take years to travel down. This healing process is going to take the rest of my life. I'm in it for the long haul. And so is my Heavenly Father.
I made it to the LDS Genesis Branch last Sunday, still feeling the final effects of the stomach virus. As friends greeted me with hugs I stiffened and winced in pain, my neck still aching and stomach still nauseated.
Brother Eddie asked how I was doing I mentioned I've basically been sick since Thanksgiving.
He replied...
"Have you had blessing?" Are you kidding me? I thought. ARE YOU KIDDING? I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it. Was I really that removed that i didn't think of it? I was that removed.

"I have not had a blessing," I responded. It was clear to me I needed one.
Brother Eddie sort of smiled and said... "well if you want one this is a great place to get one!" Then he walked away to tend to some other business.

A few minutes later he walked back and said... "well?"
I said... "Let's do it!"
It had been 2 years minus 1 day exactly since I had my last blessing. My last blessing had been the night of March 5th 2009. That was the night before I was speaking at a funeral. The reason I got a blessing that night was because I have a phobia of funerals, Caskets, Hearst, funeral flowers. All of those things would give me nightmares for days. You can read that experience somewhere on either this blog or my other blog.
I was Escorted to a room. In filed a ROYAL PRIESTHOOD. I was expecting one brother to anoint and on to bless. But when the brethren finished filing in there was:
genesis President, first and second counselor, 2 missionaries, and 2 other brothers who are very special to me and my friends Sister Tish.
As I was anointed and they placed their hands in my head and pronounced a blessing of healing and love upon me, I knew all would be well. Many times in this blessing I heard the words " Karyn,Heavenly Father loves you." I felt it. I believe it. I heard it. I know it. Beyond all doubts. To the point where I will never wonder again of the Love my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ have for me.

*YES, Jesus Loves Me. What's NOT to Love?*


Angie said...

Hey! We were wondering what happened to ya. So SO sorry to hear of your health hardships. Your blessing is, you are ALIVE! I know it didn't matter a month ago, but it's the truth.

Funerals should be done away with. Yes I said it! I HATE funerals as well. There are plenty other ways to say good-bye to a loved one. I think TOO MUCH money is being put in the ground. They dress them go in the ground. Am I the only one who finds this disturbing?? It's just 3 hours of emotional chaos. Do Mormon funerals last that long? Well, remember I was raised Baptist and they will hold your butt hostage if you let them.

I will be praying for you. Hope you continue to feel better each passing day. Spring is coming!


UtahBoy said...

I'm sorry you are going through these trials. My wife and I have been going through some very serious health challenges as well. We, like you have always felt the love of our Savior and our good friends and neighbors around us like a warm blanket. What a blessing to be surrounded by people who will always care and help.


Grandma Honey said...

I love what you so sweet.

I hope you get better soon and there will happier days ahead.

Babe said...

I too suffered, yes I meant it in the past tense. I suffered with it for over 30 years. I went to therapy off and on for 25 years. Then about 5 or 6 years ago I was referred to a therapist who specialized in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. It changed my life!!! I am no longer affected by ANY triggers. The things that I used to freak out about mean little to nothing to me. Now I just deal with everyday struggles, family struggles etc. I live a fairly "normal" (mentally) healthy life. Check it out. It is not an easy process, but now I feel safe and untriggered by anything that used to bother me. I look back at my life and no tears, no pain, no guilt. I just had experiences in my life that brought me to where I am. I finally have that peace and freedom from PTSD!

ShaBANG said...

" I look back at my life and no tears, no pain, no guilt. I just had experiences in my life that brought me to where I am."

Truer words have never been spoken. I feel this way most of the time. I do feel this way about my experience. Just another experience to add to the wonder of who I am. If you don't have a test, you can't have a testomony, right?

As Sistas in Zion said...

Powerful post! Our trials and tribulations make us stronger, glad you know that your Heavenly Father loves you.

Momnmb said...

Go Girl! Your faith shines through!

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