Lookin For Love In All The Wrong Places..? I Have

When my daughter was about five years old I fell into a depression. I don't recall ever having a history of it. I know that sometimes we all have depressed moments or periods of time when we feel under a dark cloud. However this was so much more than that. I suffered bouts of darkness and sadness. Nothing usually horrible happened.

Times weren't any worse than that typical, but something within me caused a numbness. I would wake up in the morning and send my daughter off to HeadStart and spend the time she was gone crying. When I heard the bus pull up to drop her off I would turn off the water works and be business as usual. She'd be out side playing and I would be in the house with tears streaming down my face, frustrated with myself for not knowing what the hell was wrong. The phone would ring or someone would come visit and I would turn it off like a light switch.

I lost the desire to get on my knees each day and pray or to go to Sunday services. I lost the desire to go out and socialize. If it weren't for my sister that year there would have been no Christmas tree or decorations in the house at all. I didn't know what came over me and I couldn't shake it.

I remember waking up one Sunday thinking how tired I was. My thoughts urged me to get dressed and go to church.

"Naw, I don't feel like it," I told myself. "I just don't want to be bothered"
I began to do some housework, it had been days since I had vacuumed or mopped or did laundry. I began to catch up on house cleaning.

About an hour had passed and the stronger urge to get dressed and go to church came upon me. Again I shook it off and continued doing some other tasks that could certainly have waited for another time.
About 45 minutes after that as I was running dishwater I heard a voice in my house say "GO TO CHURCH, NOW!" It was so strong and so clear that I turned to see who was talking to me. I could not see the person speaking to me but the prompting was so clear and strong that I dropped what I was doing, Got dressed and walked over to the church. I would be getting there just in time for thenlast hour which was Relief Society.
I walked into the building in my "leave me the hell alone." armor When I got into the Relief Society room I sat in the 2nd to last row away from everyone sending a clear message that I DID NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED. I crossed my legs, folded my arms and avoided eye contact with everyone. Even my choice of clothing reflected the fact that I didn't want to be there: University of Michigan Sweatshirt, Jean skirt, pair of Rebooks, hair pulled back in a ponytail. The Relief Society Sisters got the message loud and clear. Many thoughts raced in my mind: "Why am I here?" "What's the point?" I could be home doing dishes or laundry.

The sisters settled into their seats and the typical announcements were made.
The pianist began to play the opening song. I sat quietly and listened to the sisters around me sing:

"Our Savior’s love
Shines like the sun with perfect light,
As from above
It breaks thru clouds of strife.
Lighting our way,
It leads us back into his sight,
Where we may stay
To share eternal life...."

By the end of the first verse I felt tears rolling down my cheek.

The song continued:

"The Spirit, voice
Of goodness, whispers to our hearts
A better choice
Than evil’s anguished cries.
Loud may the sound
Of hope ring till all doubt departs,
And we are bound
To him by loving ties."

By the end of the second verse:

I was quietly sobbing and 2 sisters had moved to either side of me and a third sister behind me had draped their arms around me, literally holding me together(so I wouldn't fall apart) and without knowing what I was going through, they cried with me.

I had heard that hymn, sang the words so many times. Never before had the word penetrated so deeply into my soul then they did that day.

I knew my Heavenly Father loved me. I had heard it so many times and I believed it. I still believe it. My head knew it. In my heart I knew it too. On this day at that moment in time I felt it. I Felt it in my soul and the moment I did my heart overflowed with so much emotion I could not physically contain it. My body trembled as my Relief Society sisters held me together and sobbed with me.

Although my Heavenly Father could not physically wrapped his arms around me during that dark and depressing time he sent me to his house where
"Hope rang till all doubt departed."
And where I could feel that bond with him through the loving "ties" I have with the sisters in the congregation.

This was about 15 years ago and each time I recall the experience it feels as if it were just yesterday. I Still can't get through that song without choking up and blinking back tears.
It reminds of how important it is to be in places where the Lord can reach us. It is true that The Lord can and will reach us where we are. He has the ability to do that.
We have to remember to seek him. And even more importantly WHERE are we seeking him?

I had a friend once tell me she doesn't believe the Lord answers prayers. She prayed real hard one day about a problem she was having and then headed to the bar. Woke up the next day with a hangover and very ticked off that she didn't get an answer to her prayer. I suggested to her that sometimes where you look for answers has much to do with how you get them.
She angrily replied
"God has the ability to answer me no matter where I am and what I'm doing."

She's right. God DOES have the ability to answer us no matter where we are and what we're doing.
He also has the ability to stop world hunger, wars, tummy aches and poverty. If we were rescued by our carelessness and lack of desire to take responsibility we would never learn to be accountable for our choices.
We are encouraged to :"Stand Ye In Holy Places" And to humble ourselves, overcome the hardness of our hearts and our pride, and seek his help.

I'm willing to be wrong, but I would bet my tithing that very few prayers are answered down at "Cheers" over a brewski.


I'm not judging you. Say your prayers and have your beer. God speaks to us all in different ways. He just might show up, he DOES know how and where to find you. But do we know how and where to find HIM?

1 Kings 19:11-12
11 And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:
12 And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.
I'm so blessed that "still small voice" knows how to reach me and I'm not so tuned out that I can't hear it.

It makes since to me for the Lord to speak to us when we're still, tired, broken down, exhausted, depressed... and have had enough and can't take it. I think it is in this state that we are less defensive, more ready to listen to it instead of battling it. We can hear better in this state. It's sad that we have to be down and out,tired, the end of our rope and broken to finally pay attention to it.

God is not going to shout above the Big Screen TV at Mo's to get our attention. When asking him questions the polite thing to do would be to listen. We give each other this courtesy but not our Father in Heaven.
This is NOT a hard concept, you do it on a daily basis with people. But I guarantee you most people will mistake NO answer for the answer they don't want to hear.

I'm grateful that at a time when I needed to feel that loving bond with my Father in Heaven I was lead to the place where it could and did happen.
My Grandma said to me once
"the only hands God has are ours."
He does use or tries to use us all to bless each other. To be blessed by the hands of God it would make sense to hang out where his people would likely be.And that's not JUST in a church building.
I don't always go to the right places and hang with the right people when I need to feel our Saviors Love. But it's never really failed me when I have.
And it's always in the back of my mind when I go lookin for love in all the wrong places.

""Our feet cracked open and bled..."

"Our feet cracked open and bled until you could see the whole prints of our feet with blood on the ground."
Jane Elizabeth Manning James bore this testimony as part of her life story.
IF there is one defining moment I have as a Black LDS woman it would be the moment I found out there were Black LDS Pioneers. For years growing up on Pioneer Day or the Sundays where Pioneer day was talked about I would listen to the stories of the great great grand children of those who had relatives who lost their lives or, suffered great hardships walking across the plains to "Zion." I would sit and listen to the stories of how great great Grandpa Hezekiyah or Dear Aunt Levondia Young lost a toe or commanded their half dead ox to "RISE AND BE WHOLE" so it would continue the journey from Nauvoo to SLC. In the back of my mind was that little voice of one of my great-great ancestors saying
"man, what I sho wouldn't give to be free to walk off this plantation and walk across the plains with some pioneers."
The way I saw it, Hell, at least they were free to walk. They were free to stop walking, turn around and walk someplace else too. No matter how hard the trials, they were free.
So Imagine my surprise when I learned there was black LDS pioneers who came across the plains! Black pioneers became almost an obsession with me: Who were they, where did they come from, did they remain faithful, and WHY is this not shared knowledge in the history of the church? I WAS HOPPING MAD when I found out too. Do you know what kind of example and strength this could have been to me while growing up? Well I was gonna make sure I told the story of these pioneers any chance I could.
The first one I ever learned about was a Free Black Woman Named Jane Manning. She joined the church about the age of 19 and shortly after she and her family ( brothers, sister and mama) Set out the join the LDS Saints in Nauvoo, IL. She and her family walked over 800 miles to get there. That's right I Said 800 miles on foot.

"We walked until our shoes were worn out, and our feet became sore and cracked open and bled until you could see the whole print of our feet with blood on the ground. We stopped and united in prayer to the Lord; we asked God the Eternal Father to heal our feet. Our prayers were answered and our feet were healed forthwith."

She arrived in Nauvoo with her family and after all in her family found homes and employment of their own, she stayed in the home of the Prophet Joseph Smith. They employed her and gave her a home later asking her if she wanted to be adopted/sealed to them as one of their children, part of their family, to which she declined.

Through out her years she met and married Issac James and then later traveled from Nauvoo to Salt lake city with her husband and 2 sons in a Pioneer company. Although the journey was long and hard she remained strong and steadfast. Sharing all she could along the way.

Excerpts from the journal of a fellow pioneer woman express the Christlike example Jane was to so many.

From the journal of Eliza Partridge Lyman:

"April 13: Brother Lyman [Eliza’s husband] started on a mission to California with O. P Rockwell and others. May the Lord bless and prosper them and return them in safety. He left us . . . without anything to make bread, it not being in his power to get any.
April 25: Jane James, a colored woman, let me have two pounds of flour, it being about half she had."




To understand the depth of such giving, There were pioneer companies who at some point had to ration meals to four ounces of flour a day.
And there was no "BIGGIE SIZING" it. So to receive 2 lbs of flour was a GREAT sacrifice and blessing. 2 lbs of flour probably saved the life of that family.


Jane Manning James was the first free black woman to live in the Utah Territory. Her daughter Mary Ann was the first black child born in Utah.

I stand amazed at the power and faith she had in knowing she would be blessed and taken care of through all of her trials. To suffer the trials of being a black woman during those times as well as the trial of being a Mormon during those times was a two fold double punch in the gut. However in part of her life story she states:
“Oh how I suffered of cold and hunger,and the keenest of all was to hear my little ones crying for bread, and I had none to give them; but in all, the Lord was with us and gave us grace and faith to stand at all.”
Each time she shared her life story, the trials and tribulations, she never EVER forgot to give props and thanks to the man upstairs for her many blessings.
Her husband left her and her children for 20 years and then returned to her not wanting to die alone. She welcomed him back and took care of him until he passed aways.
Later in life she was interviewed about her life and she shared these words:
“I have seen my husband and all my children but two (of eight) laid away in the silent tomb but the Lord protects me and takes good care of me in my helpless condition.”


The life story of Jane's courage, strength, endurance, and faith is an example to all who read about her.
She ends her life story with the following testimony:
"[My) faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter‑day Saints is as strong today–nay it is, if possible, stronger–than it was the day I was first baptized. I pay my tithes and offerings, keep the Word of Wisdom. I go to bed early and arise early. I try in my feeble way to set a good example to all."
May we all be so "feeble."


A Monument of Jane Elizabeth Manning James was dedicated on June 5, 1999 in the Salt lake cemetery. This work was commissioned by the LDS Genesis Branch. Not only was I front and center at this dedication, Imagine my amazement when I was honored to be the voice of Jane and asked to read her biography at the dedication. What a humble honor I will always hold dear to my heart.



I am nothing like the strength and dedication that Jane Elizabeth Manning James was. I've buckled under less circumstances.
I remember the first time I told my mama about the black Mormon pioneers and how much I hated pioneer day and the story of the pioneers. She let me in on a little secret informing me that I, too was a pioneer. Having been a black LDS member since She and my father were baptized in 1973. 5 1/2 years before my father would be blessed with the Priesthood. There are many who will always turn their back away from the church because of previously practiced traditions and beliefs. The time will come when those will come to me and my siblings and look for those examples of strength and testimony that I look to Jane and many others for. I, too am a pioneer and never new it until the moment my mother informed me of it.
It is important to remember that at some point our whole country was in turmoil over racial prejudices. And those leading the government, churches and many other areas of leadership were products of time and circumstances. The Lord will only allow men to get so far in their own planning before he puts his ultimate plan in place. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is proof positive to me that The Lord Has a plan and he is working it. He knows when the timing is right and he knows when the children of the Earth are ready for it. We must accept progress and move it forward. We must know where we are going BECAUSE we know where we've been. I feel for anyone still holding grudges to those passed mistakes that the Lord has stepped in and correct for I am CERTAIN he is telling us.
"I have righted your wrongs, don't let passed injustices stop your progression. Move forward and make it better for those who walk behind you"

Thank you, Jane, I hope someday you'll look at me and say... "that's my sista, keep on keepin on!"

Please Don't Stop The Music....!

This post is mostly in Response to the recent comment left by one of my adoring fans ;)!
DezaRay States:
"I'm lost you say your LDS yet almost all the music in your player is from NONE LDS artists. They are Christian artist that will sing and believe in the trinity, sing about the cross and other things that the LDS faith does not. If you are so proud of your LDS faith why don't you have more LDS music on there? None of the music you have on your player would ever be played or sang in a LDS church."


Thanks for pointing out the music on my player. I'm not sure how many LDS church meetings or firesides (prayer meetings) you've been to but I, and many others have actually Sang some of those songs in or at LDS church meetings,programs, talent shows, funerals, etc.. It may not be what you might normally hear in a typical LDS Sunday Meeting however it's been done. I've personal done it. And because my singing is so bad I've had the pleasure of being with several other LDS Members who have done it with me. For me to try it solo would surely be a sin!

That being said, I don't have MOST of the spiritual music I enjoy on here. I'm very proud of the Grammy Award Winning Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the Grammy Award Winning Saints Unified Voices... The Mormon "Gospel" Choir so to speak. I get to hear them ALL THE TIME! :) And They've both covered different arrangements of some of the songs in the playlist.
But I love your comment,because it's 1 example how people think Mormons are.
Because I'm LDS so I should only listen to LDS music, right?
And we can only sing Songs featured in our LDS Hymn books, right?

WRONG! That's just as wrong as thinking If I'm so proud to be black I should only listen to black music because no other kind of music would ever be played or sang at a black Family reunion, right? Meh, not so much. (Remind of to tell ya bout the time we busted out with Billy Idol's Mony Mony about 20 years ago. That was awesome!)

I like music of all kinds. And I pointedly didn't put much of what you might call Typical LDS arrangements of music on here in my first shift of songs because I do hear it all the time and because I put on what I'm in the mood for at the time. Also because just all one type of music doesn't reflect MY personality and this is MY blog. So it's all about me and MY point of view. :)

In the meantime my playlist will eventually be full. I've got 1/4th of the music on it that I like. I have 150 more songs to go. Trust that there will be Mo'tab and SUV, Divine Heritage, Alex Boye, Jericho Road, Janice and Stephen Capp Perry music on it when it's complete. But there will also be some Winans, Al Green, Statler Brothers, and probably some Amy Grant, Point of Light, Anointed, Mary Mary and many others ss well. When I'm moved to add them to the playlist, I will add them.

PS... in our 13th Article of Faith, The Last sentence states: "if there is ANYTHING Virtuous, lovely, or of good report or PRAISEWORTHY, we seek after these things."

Thanks, DezaRay, for taking an interest in my music selection!

The Miracle that is MY daughter

I originally wrote this blog 3 years ago for my Daughter's 17th Birthday. She will be 20 years old tomorrow, January 27th. This is a story worth telling again. ENJOY!

This is Alieshia Nikkole.

And this story is about how I became her mom 17 years ago.

Keep in mind, most of these events happened in the space of 7 days.

Well I won’t go through the good details of getting pregnant, as my story will be LONG and drawn out enough.

As sort of an Epilogue I’ll just mention: I had made a Dr's appointment to get an abortion. But received a telegram and a phone call from a friend in London England just as I was headed for the door to the appointment. The Telegram had been sent 3 days before. How it, and the phone call arrived at just the right moment, reminds me that I was NEVER in control of the events that would be taking place over the course of the next few months. By the time I remembered the appointment some 4 hours later, I also realized that 2 lives were saved.

I’ll start this way:

From the time I went into the bishop’s office and told him my situation, I decided keeping the child I was carrying was not an option. The church strongly suggests unwed mothers to give the gift of a 2 parent stable household and that’s what I was going to do, no questions asked. I think as part of the repentance process I disassociated my self with the child. Never felt it was mine, I always said "I’m carrying someone else’s child." I Didn’t want it, and was happy to be rid of this baby who was over taking my body. I worked with LDS social services about my options and choices. They never pushed me one way or another and emphasized the choice was mine to make. I had chosen adoption and had the adoptive family all picked out and waiting.

I was obviously in with the wrong crowd and doing things I shouldn't have been doing. I was introduced into the drug life and the thug life. Although I never touched the drugs or the guns and the other things that came along with that kind of lifestyle, I was trusted with some of the "in" type things that only a "homie" would be privy too.

By the time I decided I really didn't want to be apart of that lifestyle, it was almost too late. These people had labeled me as "one of their own" and were not inclined to let me just fade into the sunset. If they didn't see or hear from me 2 days in a row, they would come to my house... sometimes at 2 or 3:00 AM to make sure Me and their little cousin I was carrying was doing alright. We called that "good lookin' out." These day they call it "having your back."

Things got to a point where I realized I was in a little too deep with "the homies and was sort of stuck in a hole. My mother in her wisdom called my brother and sister-in-law in California and informed them of the situation. She got off the phone a couple hours later and announced there was a plane ticket in my name to San Diego, California. When my brother heard of the people I had been hanging with... which happened to be the ONLY people he wouldn't hang with in high school (and he hung with some pretty shady people back in the day) he insisted I needed to get out. So were sneaking me out of town so I could get my life back on track. I couldn't tell anyone I was leaving or the "homie posse and crew" would have retaliated.

I played them like a violin. Kept up the regular pretenses: "oh you know I'll be at the club this weekend and the after party!"
" No, I won't get into another fight...but if she shows up and starts some mess I won't hesitate to jump her again..." and so on.

Less than 1 week later, I hopped on a plane and was going to live in Oceanside, California.

In California I could spend the time I needed to make the important decisions that would soon change the course of my life and the life of this baby. My due date which was Jan 18th came and went. I was STILL preggo, would this child ever come? I had weekly appointments with LDS social services to make sure I was emotionally OK with my decisions. Boy was I ever. The decision I made 9 months ago had never changed.

Jan 22nd, a Monday, another Dr’s appointment.

Dr said we were :WAY off on the due date" I was no where near ready to deliver."

Tuesday Jan 23^th my LDS Social worker called and said she’d been called out of town for the weekend to a conference in Salt Lake City. Part of her job was to be at the hospital at the time of the birth as the baby would be discharged and placed with her to a foster care home until all the paper work for the adoption was finalized. Since I was no where near ready to have this baby, as the Dr informed me it would be another week or 2 before I was going to deliver. We couldn't see any immediate worry for her to go to the conference the upcoming weekend. She gave me the name & phone number of the colleague who should be called if I had the baby while she was gone.

The morning of Jan 27^th. It was a Saturday. I was getting ready to go watch my brother's marine battalion's all day long baseball tournament. I had become very good friends with a woman in my brother's office. Maureen Vipperman. We called her "Mo' or "Vipp." Vipp wasn't able to have any children of her own. So I had asked her weeks before if she would do the honors of being my labor coach and being with me at the time of the delivery. Something told me I wouldn’t make it game. As a matter of fact "Vipp" was the one picking me up for the game... (by way of the mall of course!)

I was having some annoying cramping that wouldn't go away. I didn't think anything of it because I has been having those types of cramps for almost a month. Suddenly about 10:45 am I got this power cramp that stopped me in my tracks! It's amazing how we can remember the exact moment of some things.
We called the Dr got his answering service, they said they’d call him and then call me right back. An hour later… we hadn’t heard back from him. So we called them again. They said to come on in because it sounded like it was time.

BOY WAS IT TIME. We got to the hospital and when the Dr, who had been on hole 6 of his 18 hole golf excursion said

“IT’S YOU???? Wow I wasn’t expecting it to be you, you were no where near ready when I saw you Monday!!!”

"well I wasn't expecting to be here either. It appears you'd make a better weather man because your forecast was totally off..."

My Dr was a nut case. I appreciated his humor and sensitivity during the prior weeks. It was like chatting with and old friend and He and the Nurses were aware this child was going to be adopted. They had instructions to take the baby from the room after birth. I didn’t want to see it or hold it or anything. I just wanted it out and gone.

People tell me I’m lucky I was only in labor for 3 ½ hours. Luck was not what I was experiencing I assure you.

It’s a blurry situation … the pain... ice chips... oxygen masks... breathing. OH, THE BREATHING THING! Lamaze? What is UP with that? When those pains hit your gonna get a breath the best way you can…. Lamaze goes out the window!

Finally... time to push. Push Number one: Everyone was was screaming in delight... the delivery room erupts with excitement!
“Look at all that curly dark hair!...”

Push two: I heard a couple of nurses gasping:

"Doctor!" one of them said in a panic.

Then they got serious on me... “Karyn, don’t push, be very still!”

Not what you wanna hear in while in pain. I told them I had to push... it hurt not to push.

My labor coach, "Vipp" doing her job, trying to calm me down, she came around bent down and got in my face and said...

“GIRL, don’t push, just breath!!!” She started breathing with me. That scared me but it had the required effect. I thought these people were CRAZY, but I stopped.

I felt this sharp PAIN, and wanted to scream:
“WHAT THE HELL ARE Y'ALL DOIN DOWN THERE???”

A few seconds later... (It felt like minutes, they later told me it was about 20 seconds) I was able to push again. Success!

IT WAS A GIRL!

I was tired and crying. She was crying. Everyone was saying how beautiful she was.

My crazy Dr said
“I'm not supposed to do this, but do you want to see her?”

I said
“no, no thank you”

He insisted I MUST

I said no.

He placed the crying baby on my tummy… the baby cried once… said “MAMA!” and quickly fell asleep.

The delivery room fell silent.

I hear it. The Dr, Nurses, and Vipp all heard it. They all burst out crying. It didn’t faze me one bit. So I pretty much ignored it. They took the baby away after that.

When I left for the hospital, my brother was instructed to call the LDS Social Service Offices before he left for his tournament to let them know so the social worker could meet us up there. My brother actually beat me and Vipp to the hospital and said he couldn’t get a hold of the social worker but would continue to try. He had called them all day and no one answered. Then next day was Sunday and the office would be closed. I was too tired to panic. I slept most of the day... I was frighteningly anemic yet they came and took my blood about every hours. Freaking vampires!

Sunday Jan 28th! Super Bowl Sunday! Discharge day. My Dr said if I was voting for the right football team I could go home today! He was serious too. If I chose the wrong team, I'd be staying. Back in the 90's was there anyone BUT Joe Montana and the 49ers?

We still couldn’t find the social worker. The hospital informed me that I had to take this baby home with me since there was no Social Service Representative to take the child. I was horrified. I had NOTHING, no diapers, no clothes, no food. Why would I since I didn’t expect to keep the child. I hadn't gone through the process of even thinking about names and I had paperwork, birth certificates and other records to sign. After I spent another hour trying to figure out a name and other options, I left the hospital... with a child and instructions to return in 2 or 3 days for babies check up. Luckily Social Services would opened the next day...... No, actually... they wouldn't.... for some strange reason... they were closed on Monday. *sigh* I did NOT like how this was working out.

Thank goodness my niece was only 10 months old so there were plenty of diapers and things like that at the house. Vipp picked me up and brought me home. I left her to handle the baby. I walked in the house and announced to my brother... "your niece is in the car" he jumped up and headed to the car and went to bed. I was still exhausted. (It was super bowl Sunday and the house was filled with my brother’s marine buddies in the midst of the bowl party).

I bolted out of bed about 4 hours later. I remember sitting straight up out of my sleep and saying... "There's a baby in the house.... and I'm supposed to be taking care of it!"

My sister in law pretty much took over the care of the baby and that was OK with me, I wanted nothing to do with her. We had noticed that when she breathed... she squeaked or gasped...like a little mouse trying to catch it's breath or something. It sounded like she was having trouble breathing and when she cried it got worse.

Tuesday Jan 30th. I took baby into her first check up. I informed her Doctor about her breaking and I'm sure he cold already hear. He felt her throat, said she was swollen around the larynx. Her weight had also come down a little she had lost some ounces. That meant she wasn’t eating right. He jumped right on the phone and called a specialist. The specialist was across town and said he wanted to see her right away. The office was closing in 10 minutes but they would keep it open until I got there. I was kind of scared for this child, what was wrong with her???

It took me 25 min to get to the other side of town. The baby was in the back seat crying the whole way.

When we got to the Dr’s office I needed to fill out more paper work. They kept asking me if I was the mother I kept saying she was being put up for adoption, the social workers were unavailable so I was forced to sign the waivers and all the other paper work. I didn’t want to sign any papers as being in charge of her care. I had to sign or they wouldn’t treat her. I did what was needed to get her taken care of.

They took us back into a room and explained they needed to feed a thin microscopic tube with a camera down her throat to look around. I needed to hold her in my lap while they did this. They assured me the baby would be OK but would actually be gagging and choking as they fed the tube down her throat. It was horrible! The baby was crying, I was crying, I was a mess. Afterwards, the Dr said it was really swollen and he couldn’t see much, but he wanted to schedule her for a Barium swallow and chest x-rays to make sure nothing more serious was going on. He set the appointment up for 3 days later, the next Friday.

Mean time. I still can't get through to the Social workers. And I was still pretty much ignoring the baby. I wanted “that child” away from me.

The next couple of days had come and gone and it was the night before I was to take baby to get x-rays. The instructions were the baby could not have any food or drink at least 12 hours before X ray time. I had decided since she couldn't eat, I wouldn't eat either. She had to be hungry enough to drink the Barium. New borns are fed every 2-4 hours, right? The x-ray was scheduled for 11 am the next morning. That night was the longest night of my life. I walked the floor all night sobbing. Trying to comfort a child who was crying from hunger and then would only stop when exhaustion over took the hunger…and would wake up crying again when hunger over took the exhaustion. I realized that I would never understand how people could be so cruel as to allow human suffering to prosper. It is hell to witness.

Next day February 2nd frazzled and worn I got baby to the Dr's Office. She was crying still and each inhale and exhale she took was like a gasp for air. I felt as if she had been put through the cruelest of things this last week I know she was as exhausted and confused as I was. They fed her the barium and took the x-ray. When they were finished, I pulled out a bottle and fed her. That was only the 2nd time I had personally fed her. I took baby home. We both slept most of the day and weekend.

Monday Jan 5th, Dr’s office called. They said the x-rays were clear but they wanted to put her under an anesthetic and do exploratory surgery and open up her chest to make sure. When I heard this a JOLT ran through me. * I had enough of this crap*

I declined, saying
“this child is not even 2 weeks old. I’m not doing this to her anymore”
and hung up.

I was peaked and felt as if I have been stripped raw mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. What the hell was going on with my world???

I called my mama. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I’m in turmoil…some thing about hearing mama’s voice breaks me down completely.

She answered the phone and all it took was hearing her voice say "hello..." and I lost it.

I became the baby girl who was hungry and tired and frustrated, confused and scared. Uncontrollably mess for about 5 minutes. No words, just tears and crying and fighting to breath.

Finally mama said... “Karyn take some deep breaths and hear me.”

I took some breaths and calmed down. She said...

“ In all of your counseling and doing what you've been instructed to do with your Bishop and case workers, when you asked heavenly father what to do with this child, did he confirm your decision?”

I said, “Huh??” What was she talking about? I could barley comprehend.

She repeated the question.
I told her

“well, the church says unwed mothers should consider giving their child up for adoption so that’s what I planned to do.”

She asked “so you prayed about that and if felt right?”

I responded “ummm.. No. I didn’t pray or fast or debate myself about it. I just decided that's what should be done so that's what I'm doing”

Mom said: “ you mean to tell me you made a decision this important that involves human lives and you never prayed about it.. At all in 9 months???” (Sounded stupid since she put it that way)

“um, Yeah I guess that's what I'm saying.” Why was she picking on me at a time like this?

All she said was... “When we are given instructions from our prophets and church leaders, there’s a reason we are taught to get a personal conformation and seek for personal revelation. There's a reason for everything your going through. You have some work to do regarding the life of this child and your own.”

I guess so, huh?

A couple of hours after hanging up with mom LDS Social Services called. As it turns out… they don’t know what happened to their phones Absolutely clueless there was even a problem until the last Friday. Their incoming lines had been out of Service for almost a week They were able to call within their own offices but outside called didn't come through. They're usually closed Mondays but now they were getting all of the message from the prior week and decided to open the office and play catch up. They were just getting all the messages left them. She asked how it was and how I was handling the baby. I told her not very well at all . We set up an appointment to meet in 2 days (Wednesday) to get things back on track.

I called the family and asked them to fast with me the next 24 hours. The thought of doing this as all was almost more than I could take. As I fasted I played out the last nine months and ESPECIALLY the events of the last week in my mind... cord around baby’s neck... Baby crying until laid on my tummy, then calling out "mama" before falling asleep... no social workers to take her home… all these freaky Doctor appointments forcing me to sign my name to her paper work as guardian/parent. Watching her suffer, crying, crying, and crying... why is it that what was planned perfectly to a “T” for 9 months was suddenly chaos, hell, and confusion. I was only 22 years old. No job. Living with my brother his wife and my niece. Why hadn’t I prayed about what to do? It was obvious I was in no condition to take on the welfare of another person. I had to find a way to take care of myself. It was obvious what to do wasn't it?

OR was it?

That night I got on my knees and wrestled with the angels. I cried first. All I could say was squelch out ‘father help me” and cry. I fell sleep on my knees. I dreamed of a little girl in a pink dress with a little afro puff pony tail walking alone and crying because she didn't know where to go. And her Savior Jesus Christ came to her side and comforted her letting her know all would be well. I Woke up 2 hours later, cried some more... and just listened and tried to feel... something in the stillness and quiet beside the ache I had in my side and knees from being on them. A total of 5 hours later. About 4:00 AM totally exhausted I jumped into bed. And slept. Still no decision as to what to do. I was silent and quiet most of the next day. Numb I guess. I had about 24 hours to figure this out. This was the longest week of my life. Different members of my family called during the day to check up. I got on my knees again that night. I figured I didn’t have much more to add to what I’d said already so I just basically asked heavenly father what is was he wanted me to know about this child and how would he have me decide how she could best serve him in this world. Then I got up and lay in bed, wide awake and listened. What I heard was so clear I had to look about the room to see who was actually speaking to me. Words of a blessing I'd recieved when I was 18 cam to mind. (My bishop had reminded me early in my pregnancy that the blessing was valid but totally up to me to keep it valid).

There was a reason the phones didn’t work at LDS Social Services for 5 days. Just as there was a reason I got a telegram from my best friend, a missionary in London, out of the blue, that made me miss a Dr. Appointment to have a possible abortion when I was 7 weeks pregnantnt. How come all this medical stuff was forcing me to try and bond with this child? Didn't they have things these days to detect when the cord was wrapped around babies in a dangersous way. Why hadn't they seen it? The only thing that WAS successful at was not bonding with this child and that suddenly became very spooky to me.

I found out later my brother had missed his baseball tournaments the day baby was born. He spent 3 hours looking at her in the window. She looked so much like his 10 month old daughter, all he could say was.”2 peas in a pod”. He had been inactive in church for years, now I recalled day my baby was born mentioned to me if I thought it was too late for him to have his daughter blessed at 10 months old. 2 days after my baby was born my brother also mentioned he wanted to go to church with me the next time I went.
Several Phrases of my blessing came to mind... but the main was... something to the effect that my missionary work would be gathering the family generations and be done through my children. It was already happening.

Things were becoming clear. OBVIOUSLY clear. Then next day I went to my meeting to Social Services and my social worker. She asked me what was going on. I gave her the details of the previous week. She asked me as she had so many times…if I was still firm in my decision to place for adoption. I told her for the first time in 9 months that I was not sure. It was weird… she gave almost a sigh of relief. I looked at her curiously. She asked me what my decisions were. I started to cry. She started to cry. I told her I never thought I would say this but I think I am going to be a mommy. She said she had strongly felt it should be this way but had to always support her client in whatever decision they were making, as did my family I found out a few days after.

2 hours later. I walked out of LDS Social Services with my daughter Alieshia Nikkole. I had never called her by a name, until that moment she was always "baby" or “the baby.” For the first time ever… I held her to my chest and closed my eyes taking it all in. What kind of mess was I getting us both into? I just held her. I looked at her, really looked at her for the first time. I kissed her, Her forehead, her tiny hands and fingers, her cheeks, her eyes. I smelled her hair and felt her little heart beat next to my own. I listened closely to her breath that little squeak she had. All it turned out to be was swollen larynx due to the cord being wrapped around her neck and it was gone within a couple of months. I carefully placed my daughter into her car seat and buckled her in carefully like some precious cargo Heaven had asked me to guard with my life. Little did I know she was just that... precious cargo. I jumped in the car and turned on the radio. My favorite song happened to be on… “Every little step I take... you will be there…” By Bobby Brown. I smiled at the song and wiped away a tear that escaped my lashes.
Ha, that song! Another coincidence in many that had happened that week? NOPE, NOT EVEN. Heavenly Father was giving me the thumbs up. I heard a voice that whispered... “You will have all the support you need.” And I always have.

(Sometimes people, laugh, scoff at me and roll their eye's when I tell them I can audibly hear a voice when I receive answers in situations such as these. Laugh all you want. The voice has not failed me yet.)

NOW....

It's 17 years later. Today at 1:50 pm Alieshia Nikkole will be 17. It's been the greatest experience of my life being her mother. It wasn't always easy. It wasn't always laugh and giggles as most of you see us. But every minute of it has been worth it and I can't imagine my life without her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL, I LOVE YOU!

You Can't Hang Up On Jesus...But He'll HOLD For You

This morning I'm waking up and hoping yesterday was just a bad dream. Guess what? Yesterday was real,no bad dream. It has been the best week. And the worse week. No one has died or gotten physically hurt or anything like that. Just a couple of little devastations. You get enough of the little one's hitting you all at once and it wears down a soul, know what I mean.

How we react to the devastations or upsets that invade our lives is really important.
I think the following reactions we should get passes on:
Silence.
I don't see anything wrong with shutting down for a few minutes, I'd rather shut down in silence, then lash out and say or do something I'll regret later.

Asking Questions.
If someone imposes some kind of pain or hurt or betrayal on you YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK QUESTIONS to help your healing being.

Cryings.
The other day my cousin posted some that said "Crying is just liquid prayers." I have to give my AMEN to that.


There comes a time (several times) in our lives where we have the opportunity to show ourselves who we really and truly are. Those moments also define who we may become and if we will further grow as a Child of God. When those choices come do we get frightened and revert back to the comfort of who we are, or do we take that step of faith toward the greater version of us. I dare say we typically revert back to the comfort.

When those choices come, sometimes the choice is automatic. Sometimes there is soul searchings. Often times you just aren't ready. It feels too soon, too hard, too whatever. Knowing yourself is knowing what governs those decisions, it could very well be too soon, too hard, too whatever. Knowing that is a good thing.

So Yesterday, January 16th was from hell. *cha-ching* (That was a quarter going into my cuss jar. Typically "hell" is the word I give myself a pass on, depending on how I use it. But to be fair I wanted y'all to know I'm not trying to justify it).I haven't had a day like that since I was in the shadows of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder summer of 2008. So, Yes I had bit of a ptsd relapse yesterday. Noticed the symptoms, recognized the trigger, left the situation. Drove around for an hour before I Could remember what I wanted to do after I left the situation, then came home and crashed.
Bodies react differently to emotional/mental trauma. In my heightened state of over alertness and anxiety, my body requires sleep. anywhere from 2-12 hours. What happens in between is kind of like a dream. I remember parts and bits of it but am not sure if it's real.
So in my state of sleep I was having a text conversation with someone and got some devastating news. I guess in my state of mind I figured this is a dream so I don't have to worry too much about it now. (has anyone ever done that? recognize you're in a dream and just brush things off because it's not real anyway? You totally can control some things in your dreams, it's really cool when it happens).
I slept for HOURS I tell you!
Woke up about 5 this morning feeling drained.
Thinking yesterday was just a bad dream. Im laying quietly in bed and my cell phone alert goes off. I have a text! I pick up the phone... I have a lot of Texts. I turned in pretty early yesterday so thats not surprising. As Im rolling through them I have at least 100 TEXTS easily read and Unread. From about 1:30 Yesterday afternoon til about about 6 this morning with a break between 11:30pm and 4:30am. Don't you people ever sleep? HAHA~
Since texting is for entertainment purposes and quick communications for important conversations I will call or meet with someone face to face.
I guess in my state of mind yesterday I didn't clue into reality. I have the very long and very important 3 hour long conversation via text. So that bad dream I was hoping yesterday was...is indeed reality.

I'm needing to recover from one situation *ptsd* before starting to recover from the other situation. The other situation will take some soul searching. Some of that deep down in the basement, through the cobwebs in the dark corner soul searching.
In the meantime. What have we always been taught to do?
Now if you're hearing the theme song in my head right now... it sounds like
"When Dove's Cry" by Prince.
In reality it's "PRAY" by MC-Hammer: We got to pray just to make it today" Right?
I think for a few minutes.
Then I picked up the Prayer phone in my mind.
The operator answered... "Jesus on the main line...TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT!"

I lost my voice. Didn't know what to pray for. Mind went blank, heart went numb. What do I do... WHAT DO I DO????
Augh!
"well you can't hang up on Jesus!" I said to myself.


"Ummm... JESUS? Can I put you on hold until my head is clear...?"
I found myself saying.
"I am in SUCH trouble now!"
I said to myself.
To my surprise the answer was
"I'll be here waiting when you are ready, in the meantime I'll send down some of my crew to watch over you."
"uh..ok, thanks." And I hung up.

DID I JUST PUT JESUS ON HOLD???

I think I have Jesus on hold.
I have A LOT of nerve. But what a blessing to know that when I am ready, when I am clear, when I can come to him in better condition, I can pick that main line back up and talk to the Father. And he will listen. And although he may not give me what I want. He will give me what I need and that is the better blessing. What more can I ask for?
I better let y'all go. I'm headed to the cellar of my soul to do some searching. HEY? Is that YOUR main line ringing? Be blessed!

Deseret Books SHOULD sell CUSS JARS!

"Flippin Fetchers!" "Fetchin Flippers?" "Kiss my bumm!" "BFE" "WTH?"
What the HELL?
Welcome to Mormon Cuss words folks. We've all said them. In our heads, out loud, under our breath. Some of us less shameful folks don't even bother with the Mormon words.
SHAMEFUL. I know I'm shamed but OMG, you have no idea how much better I am. That's
"Oh My Goodness" in my mind folks.
No matter how badly my profane tongue has gotten it will not and has not Exodus 20:7. LOOK IT UP!
Im sad to say I once went a whole year without cussing. OH, I'm sad because I can only remember 1 year in my adult life where I can remember not cussing. It was hard work. I had decided not to cuss for 365 days. It was an interesting year because I began to analyze under what circumstances one would choose profanity. The one thing I come to realize? Profanity is used in ALL Circumstances. But the saddest realization was when it came so Automatic that folks didn't realize it was part of their everyday language. When a sentence or paragraph couldn't be spoken w/o cussing.

We use profanity in place of nouns, verbs, adverbs, adjectives,interjections...even terms of endearment! Movies use it for dramatic effect. Music uses it for status. Comedians use it for a laugh. Our cars advertise it on bumper stickers: "it Happens" Profanity for whatever reason sells. It's a money maker.
Over the last couple years my language has gotten pretty weak. I could sit here and blame it on circumstances, situations and the world around me. Truth be told I just cared too little what words my mouth would speak in those moments of choice, I chose incorrectly.

20 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter I had a mouth on me. One day my brother, who was a U.S Marine at the time, came home and told me " My staff sergeant said you have a mouth on you worse than any Marine he's been around."
My first thought was "who the bleep* is she and why should I care what he thinks I'm not a marine so I don't give a "bleep" what your Staff sergeant thinks."

As I said that I caught my reflection in the mirror. What I saw.. wasn't pretty. My reflection held a true moment of reflection. I had a serious problem with cussing. You know when you put a $50 bill in the cuss jar on pay day for a Cuss Credit... you got problems

About a week later, I installed a cuss jar in the house. "A BUCK A CUSS!" I imposed this upon the whole household. Choice and Accountability folks...aka Paying for your sins. If you chose to cuss, it would cost you a dollar. You know what, it worked! Throughout the years it has worked every time I've installed it. I think my proudest moment was when my brother and sister in law held a gathering a couple months later and one of the marines cussed. Without a 2nd thought another marine stepped up and said
"PAY UP man! You can't be cussin in here!"
Then walked over to the jar, picked it up, and squared off with Pvt Foul mouth who promptly paid up and apologized. BOOYAH!

The cussing jar worked for months. And after about 2-3 month we racked up some cash!
I'll tell you what we did with it later.*

Through out the years I've installed and reinstalled the cuss jars. Some times the price is a buck. Sometimes it 5 bucks. Sometimes it's a quarter. What I've done various things with the money made paying for my sins.

Well folks Im ashamed to say... It's time for me to reinstall the cuss jar. Yes, I know, it's like verbal smoking without the Nicotine... I keep quitting. Just like everything else, trying to overcome is a process. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. I'm sure one of these days I'll get over it. But that will never happen if I just say forget it, I'm done trying.

I'll be looking for jars this week. Most any jar will do. My last jar is now a planter. (kinda funny, i threw a leaf in with some water and it sprouted roots and started growing other leaves. I wonder if the residue from verbal fertilizer helped?

I figure I can't be the ONLY Mormon out there needing a cuss jar. This is exactly why Deseret Books should sell them. Im sure it would be much like getting caught at the store on Sunday by your bishop:
"Opps... well see Bishop... our Ass was in the Mire and.. .well... we forgot dessert... and... you just can't have Apple pie without Ice Cream" You're so busy fessing up you don't realize he's at the store too, buying Jello!

I only say that to bring up the point. We are Latter Day Saints. We are Christians. AND WE ARE HUMAN! We are going to backslide... in ALL Areas. The important thing is that we don't get S.O.S: "Stuck On Stupid!" Believe me I have been S.O.S before but I'm learning to vacation there less and less.

So back to what happens with the $$ in the cuss jar. That first year, we used it as vacation money for a trip to Vegas! Did I pick up gambling in the mean time? *That's a WHOLE NOTHER BLOG*

Through the years I would use it for laundry money, or it would be my daughters spending cash (you would think she would do things to make me cuss more, but after a while she didn't even want spending money that came from profanity!)

I decided in the future paying for my sins would go to the church. Not under tythes but under "offerings"

I think the one thing that I manage to remember when trying to kick this habit is the following:
The mouth in which I choose to speak profanity, guile and malice with is also the same mouth I have the nerve to ask Father in Heaven for blessing and favors with. And some days I have A LOT OF NERVES!
Do you??
Check out One of my Favorite Conference talks By Jeffery R. Holland: "Speaking with the Tongue Of Angels" And then go get YOUR cuss jar:

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=662fb5658af22110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

Sometimes We Need to be Dropped On Our Butts!

For 2010 we're keepin it REAL, Just like the Lord sometimes has to get real with us, we need to get real with ourselves:

We've all know about "Footprints" in the sand. Let's talk about those times we need to be dropped on our booties for a reality check!


Buttprints in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some strange prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the san

Well I did it! I Facebooked my Blog!

It was really bound to happen with so many friends and family on Facebook it would just be a matter of time before I needed to combine the two. So if you are on facebook and would like to keep up with me there I would love to have you become a fan of the page! I'll still be here blogging, unless someone can figure out a way for the blog and facebook page to become one or stream into each other. Im not THAT Computer Savvy, I know JUST ENOUGH to get into some trouble ;)

I think this will be an awesome thing for greater discussion and more detailed comments. I hope you'll join me on "THE FACE!" ;)

A Year With NO Regrets!

A Year With No Regrets!
Years ago I started to create themes to live by instead of resolutions. The theme Theory has done me well. I find a theme that seems timely and work it. I create smaller goals to help me live by that theme so that at the end of the year I can stand in the mirror on New Year's Eve head held high and pronounce that I have lived it to the best of my ability.
In the year 2000 my theme was "NO REGRETS!" It turned out to be an Amazing year. I have decided to reinstate my "NO REGRETS" theme this year! On New Years Eve 2010 I will look at my self in the mirror and say " I did everything I should have and lived how I was supposed to, therefore I have NO Regrets"

My goals for a y ear of No Regrets:

I will become a personalize friend again.
I will pick up the phone and call so there is a warm voice to my communications. So others will "hear" the concern, love, anger, peace and friendship in my voice and not have to speculate how I feel. I will not leave anything open to misunderstanding. IT's happened too many times via Text, email, I/M etc.


I will find ME again.
I feel as if I were robbed 2008/2009. My memory is shot. My anxiety is still very heightened. And I've lost interest in most people and things. My home has become my hideout with a secret knock and all for me to open the door. Those who really know me, know who I used to be before June 2008 happened. That person may be gone forever, but I'm going to find some of her again, I MISS HER. And I miss me!

I will start to be social again. I'm only dealing with certain people for certain reasons. There people are my crutch, my safety net, and my comfort zone. It's been 18 months sense the crap hit the fan and it's time to reintroduce myself to the world and trust humans again.

I will create Pleasant memories and situations
. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder robs a person of alot of things. You don't really ever get over it, you learn to live better with it. I'm still learning to live better with it. I know I need to back track to some places I don't want to go and RECREATE pleasant memories to overpower the one's that keep me away from certain places and people. I am already and will create those joyful, happy memories to replace the one's that haunt me.

I will not hold any grudges or dwell on negative concerns. If i have a problem with someone or something I will give myself 2 weeks to confront the situation and resolve it or I will leave it alone, not dwell on it and bury it for good.

I will be a healthier person.
Becoming more active ESPECIALLY in the beautiful state of Utah. So much to explore and see here.
I will join a sport team. I will sit and watch tv less and get up and move more. I will cut down carbonated drinks. I will incorporate more Protein, fiber, fruits and vegetables and cut down on starch, carbs and refined sugars.

I will become more mentally healthy by reading more. I will read at least an hour of something each day before turning on a TV or computer screen for entertainment.

I will become more spiritually Healthy by Listening For Heavenly Father's Answers as much as asking to Heavenly Father for help. I will read and study words on a regular basis, speak more kindness to his children, and serve him and my community better.

I will take 1 day each month for myself: Road trip. Movie. Pedicure. Spa. Hike. Theater. Whatever I need to do to rejuvenate and enjoy who I am becoming.

I will stay in contact with as much family as I can. Aside from my Parents, Siblings and Daughter, I don't know my family as well as I should, nor do I keep up with them as I'd like. Today, it begins.. reconnecting with the family that is on Earth with me or who have passed and are still watching over me.

I will become better Educated. I might go back to school. But I will become more educated about Finances, Politics, Health, Environment, Social Situations. IM going to become familiar with my neighbors and community and be an active force in making where I am a better place to be.

R.A.K I'm reinstating doing Random Acts Of Kindness again. And no there's not a list you can be on. So don't be calling me each month asking if I've done my Random act of Kindness for the month and asking me to come clean your house if I haven't!


I'm going to learn how to say "NO!" No more letting the drama of others invade my space. PTSD has taught me how to stop the stress in the lives of others from invading my life. I NEED to continue to do this.

I will cultivate the relationships I want to enjoy more and not those that are pushed and pawned upon me.

I"m going to laugh more at myself. I have to. I forget so much and have done some really kooky things. It used to upset me, now I just shrug and say "oh well, that's the person I happen to be right now."

I will make YOU smile more! Haven't figured a goal for this one yet, but I'll make it up as we go along!

I'm going to Love and accept people AS/IS.
When I recognize who you really are, I will either accept it and keep you around or accept it and keep you at a distance. I WILL NOT try and change you, or point out your faults and mistakes because I know I am flawed. You have the right to be exactly who you are and want to be. I have the right to either keep you close in my life or at a distance. I only request the same respect from you. DEAL?

*when someone shows you who they truly are... BELIEVE THEM*

If I sway from my goals I will speedily get back on track and not just say "OH WELL, I BLEW IT" cuz that's a lazy cowards way out. To say "I messed up" and not get back on track is not who I want to be.


I Will Live 2010 with NO regrets. I invite you to do the same!

BRING ON THE HOLIDAY SEASON!!

Well folks! The cloud called PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) that has been shadowing my mind over the last year and a half it started to part somewhat. I'm having streams of sunshine through the clouds begin to shine more and more lately. This is a good thing, I love when I have my "A-HA" Moments.

I've been robbed of 2 summers (this summer I had swine flu/pneumonia as I've addressed before)and what I remember of last summer are the pictures others have taken of me as well as bits and pieces of here and there.

My short term memory is kind of jacked up still. If I'm stressed or upset or even really busy...you can for get it. I appreciate my family and friends being patient with me asking things over and over and over. They've really been good sports about me and my issues. IT's kind of funny, finding Ice cream in the dish washer and my keys in the toothbrush holder. I still have no idea where the majority of my winter clothes and boots are. It'll be fun trying locate those things. Life is interesting with me lately. I like being a huge mystery!

I Am ready for this holiday season, are you? I don't mean the presents or gift wrapping or the cards. But I'm on a mission this year to create some AWESOME Memories this holiday season... I'M TIRED OF NOT REMEMBERING STUFF!
I declare Today, November 27th 2009 - January 1 2010: FUN AND FABULOUS HOLIDAY SEASON! I've got my digital camera ready with extra batteries. Got my snow boots! Still gotta find that winter coat.. haha! But I'm ready to go out this Holiday Season and have a good time. Im not soo sure what all the entails yet, I have a few things I want to check out around town that sound really cool. But for the most part, I'm just going to randomly head out and whatever happens is what it will be!
I like the idea of not getting so wrapped up in the commercialism and just bringing simple kindness, smiles and memories to people. I want to gage "just how much" it takes to bring a smile to someone's face or a laugh to their voice.

I'm ready to build snow people and snow forts and go tubing and sledding and watch hockey games and go caroling and collect for the food banks and drop off homemade candies, breads and cookies to the neighbors anonymously and steal kisses under strategically places mistletoe all with the sounds of the season as my soundtrack and the weather as my back drop.

I'm ready for this holiday season. I don't want to miss 1 thing about it. Not even the crazy weather. Im forcing myself out of the house and into the Holiday Season.

If you, too, are out to create some awesome memories, take your camera! And be sure to come back here and share some of them :)

Because I Have Been Given Much I, Too, Must Give!

About 8:45 last night I decided I wanted to get a new "feelz good" movie to watch this evening. And you know, Saturday is that special day, its the day we get ready for SUNDAY! Deseret Books is about 1/2 mile where I now reside. Typically I would walk since it's so close but it was about to close do I drove. I parked the car and instead of grabbing my purse I just grabbed my bank card and headed for the store.

I rush into the place and I'm looking at the different movies... they some I already have, some I'll never touch, some that are stale and cheesy but make for good teaching moments, Biographies of the prophets and apostles and such. Anyway after browsing around for 15 minutes the voice over head on the speaker announced "DESERET BOOKS IS NOW CLOSED, PLEASE TAKE YOUR PURCHASES TO THE FRONT!"
I grabbed my DVD's and headed toward the cashier. There was a couple in front of me who needed this changed on their account and wanted to pay 1/2 with this payment and 1/2 with another payment, then they wanted to add their bonus reward points, and please bubble wrap this item so it doesn't break and OH she had to run back and get this thing she forgot and I'm sure you get the point.
(This is also one of those establishments where if you purchase so much you also stack that many points and 1 point is equal to the 1$ so if you purchase a 10$ item you get $10 in credit points to spend like cash. THey give double points sometimes and bonus points and so on.)
Being a professional Customer Service Agent, I stood patiently and kind of chuckled inside. I think my profession has made me more tolerant and patient than the average person about these things. I work with this kind of person ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Good thing because when it was my turn at the cash register, I had to go through some of the same things.
My Purchase came to about 44$ She asked if I were in the "rewards program" I told her I was. I gave her my ph# and she couldn't find me in the system. I gave her a new my cell # and it wasnt on that either. I gave her and old # and it was there. I asked her if she could change the ph# to my cell phone because I had requested it be connected with the cell # on a previous visit. She mentioned it takes a couple weeks for the change. I mentioned the change was requested over a year ago. She took down the info.
"Would you like to use your reward points?" She asked.
"How many do I have?" I asked.
"You have $41 in reward points. You can use them on this purchase or continue to build them up."
Since Im in a situation where I need to be saving $$ these next few months I told her I would like to use them. She recalculated my order and
"your purchase comes to $3.99"
"wow you all are breaking me!"
I smiled and reached in my pocket for my bank card.

I pulled it out and went to swipe it, only to recognize it was my aaa insurance card.
"AUGH! I am SO sorry, I'll need to run out to the parking lot and get my other card."

The guy waiting behind me said, "or you can just let me go first and use my rewards points toward your purchase."
I thanked him and allowed him to go first while I ran out to my car to get my bank card. When I returned they were still ringing up the Gentleman's purchase. He and his friends were in SLC visiting from the UK. As they rang up his purchase He and his friend began talking about what a wonderful time they had in SLC.
The Cashier gave the gentleman his total, and after paying for it, he said... "I'd like to give her (pointing to me) the balance of my reward points!" I smiled and thanked him. The guy behind me said... "now do you all know each other or did you just meet?"
I looked at him and said... "oh we've known each other for YEARS!" The gentleman
who gifted me the points winked at the guy behind us and said.. "But don't tell my wife!" and his friend commented "what happens in SLC stays in Salt Lake City." The 3 of us laughed and the guy behind us looked confused which made us laugh even more. I then explained to the guy behind us... " He's my brother. We're ALL brothers and sisters right?" He smiled nervously... but I think he was beginning to catch on.
I thanked the other Gentleman again as he and his friend walked out of the store and turned my attention back to the Cashier.

The cashier looks at me and said....
" Ok so you now have $59 in reward points and that means you own nothing. So here's your receipt and have a good night!" I looked at her a little shocked. Not only was my purchase "free" because I had been saving my credit, I had accumulated an extra $14 for my next purchase or to save until I wanted to spend them.
"AWESOME!"
I picked up my purchase, Smiled at the man behind me,looked back at the cashier and said... " I'd like to give the balance of my credit points... to my brother right here!" Patted the shoulder of the guy behind me, winked, and headed out of the store.
I turned around looked and the guy behind me who now had a look of confusion on his face yelled 'Have a great night!" and headed home.

I'm not sure about your all, but for whatever reason, I am gifted many things. I'm very blessed. Things like this happen to me on a regular basis. When I mean regular it's almost as if I expect the blessings. What I love MOST about receiving a blessing, is the look on the faces of those I am fortunate enough to pass blessings to. That show 20 minute exchange in the Store made my whole day. And it was already a great day anyway.
I love these examples of how simple acts of kindness and enrich the lives of others. This testifies to me that where much is given, much is required, and to share blessings with others brings more to yourself.
I believe the Lord continues to give to those who will share and give to others.

Think about that next time you are blessed. I must confess when the movie "Pay It Forward" came out and people were raving about it, I was one who was saying... "whats the big deal, my family does that kind of thing on a regular basis." Then it occurred to me that the majority of that the world doesn't think or act that way.
Love is Reciprocal. Love between ourselves and God, Love between ourselves and a family & friends, love of all mankind.
It's that love of all mankind we forget about. And if we look at what mankind has evolved to, we see the lack of love for one another.

What would you have done in my situation last night? Would you have kept the reward for yourself or shared it?

After all, we're ALL brothers and sisters, right?

MY THOUGHTS ON KANYE WEST...!

***get the picture???***
(NOW! I've worthwhile things to think about)

An FYI To My Typical Mormon Brothers & Sisters:

Now that I have your attention, let me just share a few things with you that you may not understand.
Black folks talk to God. Oh I know we all do, I believe, for the most part, we all call it prayer. We talk to him through prayer.

BUT... we also talk to him out loud. We have conversations with him. We express feelings to him. We please with him. And yes, sometimes we even debate with him. It's not weird to us to speak his name out loud and communicate with him as if he is right next to us. We do it while shopping, exercising, crying, laughing, doing laundry, cooking... you name it... we talk to him whenever we feel the need. Maybe it's a cultural thing?
Our mama's do it. Our Grandmama's and Great-grandmama's did it. They did it in the Cotton and tobacco fields. They did it in the Massa's house. They did it behind is back and under his roof and out loud and in their own homes. If I'm to believe he is with me always, why wouldn't I audibly burst out in conversation with someone who is with me?
I bring this up because it is not strange for me to start a conversation with "I was chatting with God the other day about so-and-so, and he told me...."

Or.... "I was about to do such-and-such, but God told me to close my mouth, sit down and be still instead..."

I have seen the raised eyebrows and questionable looks. I don't mind them because I know the heavens are opened. I know the Lord communicates through his Son, Jesus Christ, through his prophets and apostles, and through us, his children. I can feel his spirit with me so distinctly when that communication comes from the Lord. And it NEVER fails me. There have been times it has saved my life and the lives of those around me. I have learned not to question it and to obey it. Sometimes it is an Audible voice. So much so that I will turn and see who is speaking to me. Other times it is a thought, impression or feeling from within that leaves me no doubt or fear and an urgency to heed it's command.

What I have learned from talking to the Lord is that he wants me to communicate back. When I don't understand, I ask questions. Sometimes I joke and laugh. I figure he's given me my personality, he knows me, he expects me to be me. I also realized that my communication with him is for MY sake, not his. I have an obligation to come to him, confront him, ask for clerification and understanding. He knows when I am ready, willing and able to seek out his will. However how vain would it be for me to expect HIM to come to ME and grant me knowledge and understanding.

It disturbs me when I hear people say.... "Well God hasn't revealed to me any such things" My first response is.... "Well have you asked of him??" Someone once had the arrogance to say... "well he's revealed so many other things to me I'm SURE he would have let that be known if it were true." You go right on ahead and think that. We have an obligation to COME UNTO JESUS.
In past postings I've done this. I used to have a little sign on my bedroom door:

A.S.K
(Ask. Seek. Know)

How arrogant and selfish of us who expect knowledge to be dropped upon us without seeking out the answers for ourselves. The Lord knows us well. We do not speak to him for his benefit. We do not sit on our skimpy knowledge of him, the world and heaven and expect to know All there is to know of him just through reading the scriptures. Our journey as mortal beings is a life long education. The scriptures are our text book. I have been to many educational classes in which the textbook was given out for instruction. However, it is when I indulge in the lecture from the professors where I get the deepest understanding, those intricate details, and a deeper more clear meaning and knowledge.

I believe the Lord expects us to ask questions. I believe he expects us to speak to him formally and non-formally. If I am to believe he is my father, which he is, should I not be expected to speak to him as such. Just to be clear, I do believe in formal, proper prayer. I also believe there are times when the conversation comes out how it comes out and it is just as valid.
As I sat listening to my grandmother talking when I was in Michigan...it wasn't just jibberish. Everyone once again she would say... "Lord, have mercy on me." Some people would say this was using the Lord's name in vain. I have heard many times... " Oh, my God." I have seen the circumstances in which the phrase was used. Many times it was a plea for patience, help, security, strength. There may not have been a folding of arms or a kneeling but it was indeed a communication with the Lord.
There have been times when it's used as an expression and not a communication. This is what I believe to be in vain. I guess intent is how it's defined. And sometimes we are BAD at defining intent.

So if you see me walking down the street or sitting alone talking and you don't see anyone around me. TRUST ME, SOMEONE IS THERE!

Family Reunion II: The Time Spent Together is What Matters Most!

You know that commercial we have.... "FAMILY. It's about...TIME!"
Family really is about making the time to be together. I think I mentioned in the earlier post that my Grandma is bed ridden. I think it's been of April. I couldn't believe it because when I was back home back in August she was up and about. She had some dementia and wasn't really sure who everyone was but health wise, she was strong and functioned ok. She did need supervision. So when I heard she was bed riddin I was shocked to say the least. My Uncle lives with her and takes care of her. He's with her pretty much 24/7. It must be hard on him because he gets very relief of getting out of the house.
My Grandma has 5 kids. all live within a 20 min radius. 3 live within a 3-5 mile radius. With too busy lives it appears she's not getting the loving care she could and should be getting from family. This breaks my heart. 1 mama can take care of 5 kids, yet 5 kids struggle to take care of 1 mama. Oh I have huge feelings of guilt living here in Utah while they're in Michigan. I have 2 cousins who go an visit and help now and then,when they can. For the most part...as a whole, WE the family could be doing better.
I feel for my Uncle. His life is basically keeping track of and making sure Grandma is taken care of. I think Grandma knows and recognizes him best. He's got health issues of his own but for the most part I think being cooped up and not having decent conversation is what puts a toll on him.

My sister and I sent alot of time with Grandma. While we were there we fed her, changed her, dressed her bed sores and just spent time talking to her and listening to her talk. Grandma still has alot to say. Some of it... is just talk. Alot of it....is on point. Most of it... HILARIOUS. I was able to get some video of her in her new state.
I appreciate the fact that she talks about the man standing in her room that the rest of us can't see. We're pretty sure it'a "Papa" her husband. He's been gone 35 years. A couple years ago she kept saying her Mama and Daddy were coming to get her. The next day her sister passed away. I have no doubts that she saw them coming. It just wasn't time for them to come and get her. I like that she knows her mama and daddy will be coming for her and she can see glimpses of them. There's been a couple times she would burst out in song. I've never heard my Grandma sing before. this summer and she filled the room with a rich soulful old school gospel melody. The hospital bed she's resigned to lifts and lowers and so do the head and feet. Each time they adjust the bed she's fearful she will fall out so she grabs onto the bars.
The ole girl is STRONG. S.T.R.O.N.G. Sometimes taking 2 of us to pry her hands loose from the bars so we can turn her over. And she is quick. Some of my favorite moments were her telling my sister to get out of her face, or threaten to break her arm or to leave her alone. AWESOME! My sister is a hospice care aide so she took care of alot of her hospice needs while we were there. It was very educational.

I relearned my education about how important it is to have family and be close to family. So much so that I'm seriously thinking of moving back home so I can enjoy them more than every other - every 5 or so years. I really enjoyed my time at home.
I think the most fun I had besides the reunion was hanging out with my Uncle. We really game him a bad rap back in the day. But he's turned out to be the man to step up. We took him with us all over so he could get out of the house. Sunday the night before we left he took my sister, cousin and myself to the cemetery so we can visit Papa's grave as well as some other family members. I think the best time I had was just before we were leaving for the night to head back to the hotel to get ready for our flight home... we did some last minute souvenir shopping. I had my sister go to the Local convenient gas station and stepped inside. I said a little prayer:

"Forgive me Lord for what I'm about to do."
And purchased $30 in instant lotto tickets! I took them back to the house and said... "Ok... we're all gonna split whatever we win." I knew my mom would not approve but being a grown woman she believes in agency. So I was shocked when she used her agency to play as well!
(Now Im not advocating gambling in the least bit. My immediate family are LDS so the cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents and so forth are not. This was something they did quite often. I don't intend on it being a habit it was just one last bonding moment with our uncle.)

So the 4 of us sat in Grandma's living room floor and scratched off 30 lotto tickets. I think we won about $51.00. So we split that 4 ways. Most of the fun was trying to figure them out. It's not so easy as just scratch and win, there are rules and directions and instructions and such. WE needed a lotto tutor. Figuring them out was more fun than winning. We split the $$ 4 ways!!!

I didn't realize how much I miss the family. I intend on staying in touch with as many of them as I can. And I plan on being at the New York reunion in 2 years and every reunion after.

Family! It IS about TIME.

Welcome to Soul Food Sunday!

(This was from Soul Food Sunday back in April)

It's the first Sunday of the month. In Mormonville across the world it's known as fast Sunday. Fasting is where we sacrifice 2 meals, and don't eat for 24 hours. The money you would have spent on that meal is turned into the church to help those members of the church who are struggling. We also dedicate this time of sacrifice for fervent prayer and meditation to the Lord for special needs we are seeking to have resolved in our lives. It is the one time each month we are asked to have a personal sacrifice for a spiritual blessing. I like to think of it in terms of this....The Lord gives us 7 days. He asks us to put everything aside, worship and remember him and rejuvenate our spirits 1 day out of 7. We usually have 4 Sundays a month. 1 out of 4 of those we are asked to sacrifice and give to the poor. Those are not HUGE sacrifices asked of us. Imagine what the world would be like if it followed this pattern on a regular basis. It's not secret that our Church has one of the best Welfare systems in the world, it's why the Government is constantly taking our state leaders for their cabinets. And there is a stream of city and state governments in and out of Utah looking at how the church sets up it's welfare programs.... How can a church be shipping supplies, foods, clothes etc to disaster victims across the world within 24-48 hours where it takes Red Cross and other national organizations 5-7 days? The system works. It's not based on greed or getting what you can just because you can. It is based on need. You get what you need so others may do the same and you contribute back always.

Another reason Fast Sundays are a big deal is because we go to church for 3 hours.
That's right T H R E E H O U R S! So after fasting for 24 hours and then a 3 hour block of church... U. R HUNGRY!

I'm pretty sure most of Utah Mormonville is having a dinner of Roast beef, funeral potatoes, green be ens, rolls and jello... My house hold is having black food. Not burnt...although that happens sometimes... but soul food. Soul Food Sunday!
I listen to some of the messages from the Black Churches on B.E.T! I put on the Gospel Music XM station and invite The Winans, The Crouches, Mary Mary, Kirk Franklin, Mahalia Jackson and many others to enter and fellowship with Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Saints Voices Unified and a few other LDS Artist.

Dinner will typically be BBQ, Beans and Rice, Fried Chicken or Fish, Greens... NO NOT SALAD GREENS, but collards and mustards and turnip greens. Mac n Cheese or Cheesy grits are regular on the menu. And for sure Cornbread. And we can't forget the Red or Grape kool-ade with way too much sugar and a splash of lemon juice.
Totally makes starving for 24 hours and trying to stay awake for while members step up to the mic and testify of the Lord and the truthfulness of his Gospel that much more worth it!
Now I know some of you are thinking Soul food Sunday sounds like a heart attack on a plate! It certainly would be if this was an everyday menu. These are items I do have through out the month here and there, but not like the indulgence of Soul Food Sunday.
I live in a state where only 5-7% of it is Minority. The rest is pretty Homogenized. When my sister and I moved here we decided to be "pioneers." This place will never learn how to culturally diversify if people of culture and diversity keep leaving. I love that we stayed. I love that sometimes all eyes are on me, because then I can "do my thang." I like breaking the stereotypes and educating people about the black culture and the black history of the United States and even the black history of the church that SO MANY folks are oblivious to. Soul Food Sunday means more to me than Grandma's cooking and a full belly. It's an continuous educational experience for myself and my daughter and it keeps me connected to my family that I'm so far away from. Teaches her how to do the old school cooking and she gets a taste of how things would be if she visited Grandma's house or Aunty's house. I like when I came home from Church today that the house smelled like Grandma's house... Greens and Red beans... mmm mmm mmm! I highly recommend everyone encorporating on a regular basis some sort of cultural event with your family each month. Even if it is just cooking foods from your native origins.
PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE FOOD!