The Journal Of A Black Mormon Girl

Fried Chicken Tend To Make You Feel Better About Life!

2012-01-14T12:45:00.000-08:00

True story about fried chicken. It's my most favorite food. Ever. Crispy, golden, succulent, juicy, delicious. I love it. Fried chicken is one of those comfort food that make you feel secure, happy and loved.

Remember this guy? Nothing like taking him on a picnic to the park with the family for Memorial Day, July 4th, After t-ball games and softball practice. A bucket of the colonial best was always the main for a picnic.

There is something special about Sundays and holidays. People stereotype African Americans with the dish but it was roaming around Europe way back in Midieval times. The English preferred it boiled or back but it was the Scottish who introduced fried chicken to the United states when they immigrated to the southern states.
As slaves were brought to America work on southern plantations, those who worked as cooks added spices and seasonings that weren't used in Scottish cooking. Most slaves were only given or allowed to keep cheap meat sources such as the boney parts of animals such as the ribs, tongue, hocks, tails, and entrails (chitlins) of Pigs and Cows. And they were usually allowed to keep and breed chickens. African communities in the southern states friend chicken on special occasions.

Back in the day people realized fried chicken too longer to spoil and was great for traveling. The recipe is easy and timeless and hasn't really changed much at all. Fried chicken is still popular for Sunday dinner and it is also served on holidays such as Independence Day.
In actuality Minny was right: Fried chicken really does make you tend to feel better about life.

I watched the help for the first time 2 days before Christmas. My daughter watched it with me. When it came to the part of where Minny was teaching how to fry chicken my daughter looked at me and said.."That's so you! You and your friend Chicken! HEY we should have it for Christmas dinner!" We had been trying to come up with our Christmas Dinner Menu. Minny made that chicken look so good we did, indeed, have fried chicken for Christmas dinner. And it did make us feel better about life.

So in honor of this succulent bird that is so well loved, anytime I need to feel better about life, I'm all about the fried chicken!

WHAT CHILD IS THIS???

2011-12-24T07:05:00.000-08:00

*My Favorite Christmas Carol*

What Child is this who, laid to rest
On Mary's lap is sleeping?
Whom Angels greet with anthems sweet,
While shepherds watch are keeping?

This, this is Christ the King,
Whom shepherds guard and Angels sing;
Haste, haste, to bring Him laud,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.
Why lies He in such mean estate,
Where ox and ass are feeding?
Good Christians, fear, for sinners here
The silent Word is pleading.

Nails, spear shall pierce Him through,
The cross be borne for me, for you.
Hail, hail the Word made flesh,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

So bring Him incense, gold and myrrh,
Come peasant, king to own Him;
The King of kings salvation brings,
Let loving hearts enthrone Him.

Raise, raise a song on high,
The virgin sings her lullaby.
Joy, joy for Christ is born,
The Babe, the Son of Mary.

THE BABE, THE SON OF MARY...
*remember....REMEMBER!!*

STINK...STANK....STUNK!

2011-12-22T00:27:00.000-08:00

A friend posed this question today: "Who is the Grinch in your life this year?" So I got to thinking... "YEAH!Who IS the Grinch in my life this year?" I got to thinking of the people around me and the complaining and bitching and drama I get to observe every day. For the most part I'm used to it but then a nagging little voice in my head broke through and chimed in: I'm the Grinch in my life this year. I've been told I've been a little bitchy since about Thanksgiving. I can't even deny it. I've been edgy irritable and a little sad. The Season started off with a broken foot and a death. And the frustration of not being able to get my mail key after, Oh let's see we're goin on 2 months now. I truck up the post office about twice a week to get all of my "time sensitive" mail. I couldn't get to the post office very often the 3 weeks my foot was in the boot. So I missed a few deadlines when it came to some home warranty extensions and those kinds of things. My old appartment complex is pimping me for $500 because they decided it was time to change the carpet in the apt I moved out of and claims there were stains they couldn't get out. Both stains were powder. yeah, that's right POWDER. Powder I was able to vacuum and get out myself a couple other times I spilled while living there. Then 2 Saturday's ago I had 2 flat times. TWO. So I'm feeling a little picked on lately. I know it's just my turn and we all go through stuff.

And there really is no one to blame. With buying a new house, and my car going on the fritz every other month and now the latest events I'm emotionally and mentally spent. I've used my reserves and just felt like I haven't had time to renew. This is an excellent recipe for Grinch Casserole. I've been trying to do little things here and there and they do help but only just a little. My mind is telling me if I want little results to make little attempts. So I think I need to make greater attempts to get greater results.

Today is December 22. I've got 3 days to ungrinch myself. And I know what I have to do to get rid of this Stink, Stank, Stunk feeling. Take a quick look around yourself for that Grinchy person in your life this year. If you can't find them, check out the mirror. If you're grabbing for the razor to shave off that green 5'o clock shadow... have a
MERRY

Why I Don't Mind Saying HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

2011-12-10T10:15:00.000-08:00

I've seen it quite a bit lately: "returning to the traditional greeting of "Merry Christmas" instead of the politically correct "Happy Holidays". Or "Because I am CHRISTian, I'm going to have a merry CHRISTmas." REALLY PEOPLE? The HOLIDAY SEASON starts At Thanksgiving and ends after the first week of January. And if we are to love one another as God loves us, wouldn't that include those who believe differently than ourselves?

I am Christian. YES, Mormon's aka LDS/Latter Day Saints are Christians.

But I also love the story of Hanukkah. I bet most people don't know what Hanukkah is and why it's celebrated. Hanukkah means "DEDICATION." It serves as a reminder of how Jewish resistance claimed back their temple from Syrian-Greeks who declared the observance of Judaism an offense punishable by death. They forced the Jewish to eat pork and bow down and worship their Greek Gods or be put to death. After much death Jewish resistance began in the village and eventually The Jewish people were victorious. They reclaimed their temple and rededicated it to the God we all worship today.

The name Hanukkah reminds us that this holiday commemorates the re-dedication of the holy Temple in Jerusalem following the Jewish victory over the Syrian-Greeks.

Jewish troops were determined to purify the Temple by burning ritual oil in the Temple’s menorah for eight days. But there was only one day's worth of oil. They lit up anyway and the miracle is the oil lasted Eight full days.

It is celebrated with a Festival of lights or the Lighting of the Menorah.
Some of their Traditions are quite fun. One tradition I can truly bet into is the tradition of eating fried foods:

Latkes, are pancakes made out of potatoes and onions, which are fried in oil.

Or Fried Donuts dusted in powdered Sugar.

I would not think to discount, discredit or disrespect this Holiday. To do so would defile the sacredness of their beliefs and also the beliefs of Jesus Christ, who was a Jew as well.

Kwanzaa was not meant to be an ALTERNATIVE to Christmas as first believed. Kwanzaa is a Celebration of Family, Community, and Culture. Therefore it is not a religious holiday, but more of a cultural recognition.
There are 7 Principle to African Heritage which are really quite beautiful once you understand them.

Umoja meaning UNITY: To strive for and to maintain unity in the family, community, nation, and race.

Kujichagulia meaning SELF-DETERMINATION: To define ourselves, name ourselves, create for ourselves, and speak for ourselves stand up

.
Ujima meaning COLLECTIVE WORK AND RESPONSIBILITY: To build and maintain our community together and make our brothers' and sisters' problems our problems, and to solve them together.

Ujamaa meaning FAMILY: The belief in family and general communal understanding.

Nia meaning PURPOSE: To make our collective vocation the building and developing of our community in order to restore our people to their traditional greatness.

Kuumba meaning CREATIVITY: To do always as much as we can, in the way we can, in order to leave our community more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited it.

Imani meaning FAITH: To believe with all our heart in our people, our parents, our teachers, our leaders, and the righteousness and victory of our struggle.
Part of the Kwanzaa celebration entails the displaying of the symbols:
A mat, 1 ear of corn for each child, the kinara that holds the 7 candles that represent the seven principles, fruits, nuts and vegetables that nourished the people of Africa, a unity cup shared by those who are celebrating and gifts.

The gifts should be traditionally cultural, hand made and educational. Given typically January 1st. The celebratory Colors of this Holiday are green, black and red. Green is for the fertile land of Africa; black is for the color of the people; and red is the for the blood that is shed in the struggle for freedom.

The foods enjoyed at the Kuramu are Sweet potatoes, collard greens, various nuts. Wild Turkey or chicken.

Why on earth would I not appreciate or respect anyone, regardless of culture, color or race who wants to focus on and represent the 7 principles of African Heritage?

You don't have to be Black to implement some of these things into your own lives. Just like Celebrating the Miracle of one days worth of oil burning for 8 days.

I find it funny that more people find offense in the Saying of "HAPPY HOLIDAY" than they do with the commercialism. What would the holidays really be like if we spent even half of the time we Shop for learning about the life of Jesus and not just his birth? What if we took one Christmas every two or three years, didn't purchase gifts for our families, and spent the holidays volunteering at shelter feeding the hungry and homeless, or donating the hundreds of dollars we spend on each other to a worthy community cause? What if, instead of buying gift for the family, we spent the year learning what Jesus is all about and then practiced it with our families. In the long run that's really the gifts Jesus asks of us. I've heard parents say..."Well I have to give them something under the tree!" I say WHY? Because they'll be disappointed if not? Because they'll cry and not have anything to show their friends? SO WHAT? It's ONE Christmas out of dozens they will most likely have. Use that time to teach them about real gifts of the world: Food, Shelter, Clothing. Sharing with others who won't have anything. I promise you it will only take a couple of these Christmas's for them to GET IT. And it will cut down generations of overspending for the holidays just to give and get tangible gift that will only be taken for granted, forgotten about, lost, broken, or to have more accessories that need to be purchased.
There's a Reason My Favorite Christmas Carol is "WHAT CHILD IS THIS?"

IF someone were to ask you about baby Jesus, "WHAT CHILD IS THIS?" How would you answer them?
Before you go around Saying... "I'm a Christian. I believe in Christ, so I'm just gonna say "MERRY CHRISTMAS." Spend some time learning about the Life of Christ. Saying Merry Christmas is not what makes you Christian. The way we act and treat each other is what will inevitably reveal us at Christians. I really don't think GOD or JESUS CHRIST care if we it or Happy Holidays. I do think it matters if we claim to be something we have no idea how to be it.
Really think about what you want your families to get out of this time of year. Then spend next year teaching and living it so they will be prepared to be Christlike next holiday season.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Saying Merry Christmas. Or Happy Hanukkah. OR Happy Kwanzaa or any of the other greetings we hear this time of year. Just know when I Say HAPPY HOLIDAYS, I'm speaking of all that is Good and Holy this time of year regardless of religion, culture etc.

From My Home To Yours.. HAPPY HOLY-DAYS!

"Weren't Ready For Seein' Angels"

2011-12-07T19:36:00.000-08:00

" The Lord Puttin Angels In Our Lives Everyday,But We Don't Even See Them 'Til They Leavin Anyway."

November 28, 2011 was my 44th birthday. I had taken the day off so I could sleep in and enjoy what would be the tail end of a 5 day weekend. For my birthday I just wanted to waste the day relaxing and bailing off all of my responsibilities. I jumped out of bed with Pajama's still to see my daughter back off to college. She was driving back that morning and needed to leave early in the commute to make her hour and a half trip so she cold make it to work on time. Hugged her goodbye..."I Love You"
and she was out of the door.
I went to the living room and sat in my overstuffed recliner and listen to the new to find out the weather of the day. I started to doze of when my phone rang. It was one of my "Sistas." She asked how I was doing and I told her I was "ok." and asked how she was doing. She got silent.... so much so that I said... "Hello?..." She said... "did you get a call this morning?" I told her no and looked at my phone for any voice mails or missed message. There were none. She got really quiet again. "Hello... I said... are you still there?" She was.
I heard her choke -up... She said she was sorry and got quiet again.
Finally she told me... "Morgan Harwell died, Karyn. Im sorry to tell you."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAT???" I sat up in my chair and closed my eyes.
"Morgan passed away last night. I'm so, So Sorry!"
I belong to the LDS Genesis Group. For 7 years I was the Genesis Youth Advisor. I was called to have fellowship charge on teens/ from the age of 12-18. When I first got called I only had a few youth. about 7. Through out the years the group would grow to about 47 kids. Half of them I would see on a regular basis. We met the first Sunday of each month from 7pm-8:30 pm and every third Saturday we had an activity.
Morgan was well known, mostly for being a pain in the butt. But I saw a different kid. I took personal notice of him when he was about 10 years old. He was mischievous and somewhat devious kind of like myself. He really did remind me of me. No one really seemed to listen to him and he was always in some kind of trouble or always having to be talked to about something. Anytime there was an activity I could always here his mom or dad... Morgan! Morgan..! Morgan! No matter how much of a pain he was, he always did what I asked of him, listened to what I told him. I Liked hanging out with him and watching him annoy others. And when he got frustrated I'd drape my arm around him and and say... "Let's go for little walk or have a little talk." I also liked observing him because he did things with a purpose and not many people recognized the purpose.When I started to notice him and hear what he wasn't saying, I felt he was Genius. He Now at the young age of 21... He was dead. I didn't get much details from my Sista but I could tell she was concerned for me because I kind of just sat and said.. "humph" Again she asked me Are you ok? Because that was, like, your son!" I told her "
yes, I'm ok, but I think I'm in shock and may be in trouble later."

She said she had a meeting to go to and would stop by later tonight, and said our Goodbyes.

I'm not sure how long I sat in stillness and silence but I could feel a thunder starting to rumble in my heart and I knew there was going to be an internal storm. Tears started to well up in my eyes and gritted my teeth and forced them back down. I began to shake. If you know me, You know I don't do death well. See 2009 blog:
http://ablackmormongirl.blogspot.com/2009/03/necro-no-mo-novel-by-karyn.html

I picked up my phone and called my Sister. She answered the phone Cheerfully singing... "Happy Birthday to you..... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU...." And then the storm in my heart unleashed.... I can't say that I experienced such gut wrenching heartbreaking cries I can't remember feeling such heart ache. My mind was flashing all the memories I had of him and how much I loved this kid. I couldn't speak, I just cried. The more I tried to say something the harder it was. I wanted to get something out because I know with the way I was carrying on she was thinking something happened to my daughter. I was able to squeak out.... "Tamu called....and about 2 minutes later... Morgan died.." All she got was Tamu Called. She told me I needed to breath... and i couldn't. the more I tried to catch air it was just short puffs of breath that weren't working.
She finally said.. "Hang up the hone, I'm on my way"
I hung up the phone, fell to my knees and cried a cried I had NEVER cried before. I don't think I could have cried more if it were my own flesh and blood. And the more I thought of it being my birthday the more I cried. It didn't feel right. It didn't feel fair. I refused to celebrate it. I wanted to focus on this young man's family.
I sobbed and sobbed for about 20 minutes then it stopped. I tried desperately to catch my breath as I felt my heart Ice over. I sat back in the chair and stared at the walls.
After a while, Im not sure how long, my phone rang. It was my sister she was down in the lobby. I buzzed her in and sat right back in my chair and stared at the floor.
Slowly (like now...) tears began to well up in my eyes and my breath was shaken. "I refuse to feel this pain any more" I told myself. My sister looked over at me and said... "LET IT OUT, DON"T HOLD IT IN" I wailed.
I never knew a heart could hurt so much. It scared me. How could I survive a parent, sibling or child passing away?
"Ain't no use trying to be strong for anyone we all need to just let it out. And if that's all crying together then so be it" I continued to cry. She sat with me most of the day. Then my Sista Natalie dropped by. She remembers Morgan's parent's bringing him home at the age of 6 weeks old and she used to baby sit him and his brothers when they were babies.
Late morning, about 10:30 my phone would present 4voice mails and missed calls from as early as 7:45. All from Natalie trying desperately to give me the news.
I spent the day Crying and napping. And then napping and Crying. My sisters Lyn, Natalie and Tamu rotated in and out of my house all day to make sure I wasn't home alone for very long. As word got out I received emails, texts and other messages making sure I was alright and not alone. I began to feel guilty at so much love and care being presented towards me. I worried about the family and hoped they were getting as much. It would be they who would have the biggest holes in their hearts.
At some point I was in my bedroom, I don't remember when I went back and layed down but I curled up in a ball hugging my Raggedy Ann Dolls. (God and Raggedy Ann are the go to people when I get like this.)Tears rolled down my face in a steady stream. And then I heard him say... "I'm ok. I never realized how many people loved me. Help my mom Have peace."

(Morgan Lyle Harwell)

"Help my mom have peace" it was so like him. The things I heard him say the most... "Where's my mom?" "Have you seen my mom?" "I need to find my mom." The next thing I heard him say most was... "Where's Richard?" "Have you seen Richard?" He loved his family. His Mama was his heart, and Richard was his comfort when Mom wasn't around. He loved them all unconditionally, even when he was upset with them. He held no grudges.
I spent most of the day in memories of him, which would include memories of most of my Genesis Youth. And I started to think about them all. When I was their adviser there was nothing I wouldn't do for them.(Well,legal ;) For the most part I still try and keep track of them. I would still do anything I could for them. I love them all and I hoped they knew it then and still know it. That is regardless of whatever path they're on or chose to take. Anytime I saw Morgan I made sure he knew I cared. Sometimes I feel there was more I could have done but isn't there always. I know he knew I cared for him and that gives me peace. I want to make sure they all know this.
The week was filled with sorrow, sadness and tears trying to stay busy and make sure assignments were carried out. It was a busy week for the LDS Genesis Group because the Annual Christmas Party was Saturday, The Genesis Meeting Sunday, and The Funeral would be Monday Dec 5th. There was a great desire to be with Genesis Family. To hold each other up where ever it was needed.
Friday we went and saw the family. Everyone was looking well, able to laugh and smile. Full of hugs and love. Everyone except Richard. I don't like how he looked and it broke my heart to know his heart was suffering. As we sat in their home I was filled with a spirit of peace and comfort and laughter. Seeing them began to heal my heart. I needed them in my mourning process.
Saturday was the Day of the Annual Party. It was an awesome party... Santa clause bailed at the last minute. This party is always stress and always a lot of work. Handing out toys to about 100 kids. Me, on a broken foot was responsible for handing out toys, preparing and decorating the stage for Santa and pictures, sorting the toys into age groups and helping in the Kitchen. I was overwhelmed as Im sure everyone was. Heavenly Father sent Angels to help. As Morgan's family came into town they jumped right in. When the time for Santa came, I found 3 angels.. one dressed up as the prettiest elf I've ever seen, helping hand out the toys for Santa. His family came to lay a loved one to rest and ended up serving, Just like Jesus Our Savior. My heart was slowly beginning to heal.

Sunday was the Genesis Meeting. I wasn't particularly going for the meeting. Sometimes you just need to be with your people. Sunday, I needed to be with my people. There is a certain way black people mourn and it's unlike or Caucasian Brothers and sisters. I know everyone mourns differently and no disrespect to my Caucasian Brothers and Sisters. But there is a cultural bond especially during times of loss that goes deeper than I can explain.
I spent much of my time in the hallway with one of my former youth counselors speaking and reminiscing of those times we all spent together and sharing our experiences with Morgan. It was fun remembering him. As the night ended we all returned to our homes to prepare for our final goodbyes.

I woke up early Monday. My thoughts went back to the previous Monday, the day I heard the news. My heart sank. And then it went back to the Monday before that... the night i broke my food. DAMN FOOT in this DAMN BOOT! You'd think I'd learn to walk off a curb after 44 years. yeah, not so much. I packed up the food I prepared for the family dinner after the services, jumped in the car and was on my way.
I recognized my breathing getting heavier and heavier. By the time I hit the exit about a mile and a half from the church, it was last Monday all over again. I called my sister and told her I needed some help...She needed to talk me to the church because I was having another breakdown. When I got into the parking lot I drove in about 20 ft and couldn't drive anymore. I simply broke down, seeing the building where we hung out mostly as a youth group. Being in the ward where Morgan grew up, seeing images of him skateboarding or skipping Sunday school in that parking lot. Just too much to take. I needed a moment. After that moment I sucked it up, parked the car and got to work, preparing the kitchen and some of the food for the family Luncheon.
Around the corner from the kitchen in the Relief Society room was the viewing. I do not do viewing well so I stayed away from that part of the Chapel. I didn't need to "view" him.
I was cool with remembering him in a better way than chillin in that silk lined box.

Before long, it was time for the services to start. The program was unique and full of stories and laughter and tears.
Morgan.. AKA M.O.E was a music artist and a skateboarder. Because we were in the Chapel they couldn't play any of his music. And because We ALL KNOW Mormon hymns sound dreadfully mournful on the norm... The family refused to play them. There was gospel music SANG at this Service. As mentioned in the service... Jesus was a jew and would not have been able to have a Jewish funeral in an LDS chapel because of so many LDS stipulations. It's upsetting there are so many "RULES" to how we can mourn and rejoice in the chapel. When the time came to journey to the cemetery we were given instructions on a special presentation that would be held after the dedication of the final resting place. It was cold. FREEZING COLD. So Cold I broke out in hives. I don't think it was above 15 degrees. But as we sang "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot..." The sun presented itself and allowed us a little warmth.
As a Final tribute, Richard, his brother and 3 other friends wrote a song for Morgan, and presented it.
I listened to the words and the voices of these talented artist as they sang their hearts. It wasn't an LDS hymn however it was, to me, even more sweet to hear. Because it was just as heartfelt as any HYMNS I've ever heard.

Before I end my Novel I would just like to go on record saying:

The last 10 days have been filled with EVERY good, bad and ugly emotion.
Today I experienced them all again. At the end of the day my shock, sadness, anger, compassion, and broken heart are slowly turning to peace and sweet memories of the times we laughed and shared together, served ourselves and each other.
Those beautiful moments in time bonded us all together and will forever remain in each of us so we can call on them to answer our hearts when the ugly moments try to return.
*Dedicated to Every Child I was ever blessed to have fellowship and guidance over and to my LDS Genesis Family*
Love your people.. UNCONDITIONALLY and more importantly...make sure they know it!

"Weren't Ready For Seein' Angels"

*the only reason my name shows on the bottom of this video is because it was copied from my personal facebook page.*

"...In A Way That Was Only GOD!"

2011-11-20T14:51:00.000-08:00

Early last spring I saw a link that said..."You may qualify for a home loan." I've seen these ads all my life so I just passed it up. I've been a single parent since the age of 21 to beautiful girl who, now, is 21.we've lived in apartments all our lives. I've always wanted a home for us. I know a home is determined by the love within the walls and not the structure it's self. I've always wanted to own the structure to go with the love within.
I passed up that advertisement as I always do and it kept nagging at me. So I applied for a pre authorization. Next thing I know I'm on the phone with a bank referring me to a local Realtor. My friend Dani had just purchases a home and a good friend of hers is a Realtor, so I decided to go through her friend. Long story short, I spent most of the summer searching for a house to buy. I submitted a total of about 3 offers this summer. The first one was accepted and 2 days later the seller decided to move back into the property. Because she broke the contract she had to give me $1000. Which came in handy because I spent that much on car repairs for the next 6 weeks that followed. The 2ND offer came in as a back up offer. I had seen multiple properties that I loved and hated.
During the process I learned that I had certain unrealistic expectations and limitation. I learned to prioritize and bargain with myself on what was really important in the home I wanted. If I found a property I liked online, my Realtor advised me to drive by it and check out the condition of the neighborhood to see if it was some place I really wanted to live. I spent a great deal of the summer doing "drive by's." Toward the end of the summer I was discouraged. I mentioned a couple of properties to my Realtor and she suggested I do a drive by and if I was happy with the location we'd try and get in to view them sometimes in the next couple of days.
I drove by the properties and was not happy with the neighborhood they were in. "That's IT!" I told myself I was done house hunting. I gave it a great run for 6 month, I'm tried and frustrated and just not meant to own a house. I headed back toward my apartment on the east side of town. I was tired and hungry and it was going on 7pm. I forgot I needed to go to the store so I turned town a street to make a U turn and found myself U-turning into a hidden complex which looked to have apartments and Condo. I went toward the back of the property to turn around and thought "where did this place even come from, It's hidden and tucked in a corner." I pulled into the parking lot and noticed a couple of "For Sale" signs. I sort of drove around the property and thought it was a little odd: there were open parking spaces, covered parking space and parking garages. And a big locked garage attached to the middle building. Surrounded by the middle building was more open parking and across the parking is several apartment complexes. The center building was the only building with for sale signs. The whole complex looked fairly new. I kind of scoffed at the for sale signs. What an interesting development I thought. May as well look into it.
When I finally did get home about 7:30 I made some dinner, opened up my laptop and popped in the address of the complex. I found 3 condos for sale. The one that caught my eye: "3 bedroom, 3 full baths, balcony D/W W/D hookups all black appliances. foreclosure. All offers must be in my 9 AM Tuesday." It was 8pm Monday night. I called my Realtor gave her the info and told her I'd like to try and see this property however all bids must be in my tomorrow morning by 9 am and it's 7:30 at night. Oh well, at least I made an effort even if it is last ditch. My Realtor is an extremely busy person so I doubt she'd even get the info before morning. I went on about my night.

About 8:30 I received a call from my Realtor. She had sent her husband out to the property so I could have a look at it if I wanted to meet him there, he was on his way. I jumped in my car and drove over to the property where he was waiting. We entered the lobby of the property and found you need a key card to get passed the lobbie. A key card we did not have. BUMMER! Well at least we tried. But the realtor's husband decided to ask 2 young men who were out on their balcony if they wouldn't mind opening the door for us. They agreed and let us in stating, they enjoyed living here and it was a nice place. We stepped onto the elevator and went to the floor with the property I wanted to see. We unlocked the door and stepped in. My mouth dropped open. I looked at the Realtor's husband, he looked at me. We both said..."this place is huge!!" The living, dining area in this place was equal to the living, dining, kitchen and 1 bedroom of the current place. In total the Sq ft is 1614. My current apt was just over 800ft. We tour the rest of the condo, 2 of the 3 bathrooms are part of 2 master bedrooms with walk in closets. all in all there are 3 hall closets a huge pantry and a place for washer/dryer.
"well what do you think?" says Charli-Mac, the Realtor's husband? "if you like it c'mon over to my house an we'll have Jamie draw up some paper work."
I was shocked at the size of this place. I turned to Charli-Mac and said "Well, this is one of those instances where I would regret not trying."
So about 9pm I headed over to my Realtor's home and we spent 2 hours and a couple of prayers trying to determine a fair asking price. We each came up with the following numbers: 115, 115,500 and 116. After much discussion we decided on the middle number. I signed the needed documents and we sent in the offer just under the deadline of 9:am. Now comes the hard part: Waiting the 2-3 days to see if the offer is accepted. I prepared myself to be another back up offer and settled in for the 3 day wait. I got a call 3 hours later saying my offer was accepted. I was in shock. My realtor who could read me pretty well by this time was not convinced I really wanted the property and since she hadn't seen it she wanted to schedule a time to go back and do a sight inspection in case we needed to add repairs or amendments to the contract. We scheduled a time to see the place, however failed to get an access key. The person with the key was not working that day or the weekend. I was a little sick of taking vacation time off work for dead ends esp when I can be taking real vacations. We returned from the manager's office to where my car was at the condo parking lot. Just ahead of us a car pulled in and went into the parking garage. We basically followed in behind her, found a spot to park and walked in through the elevator as if we belonged. We unlocked the place and I let her walk in so she can see the place. I think she was amazed. She looked questioningly at me. I just kind of hunched my shoulders and let her look around, which she did.
She looked at me and said..."THIS PLACE IS HUGE! IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU!"
I felt the same way. "You don't look excited...!" I had to explain I had a few disappointments so I'm just remaining unemotional. She told we're only supposed to have access to look at the place M-F from 9-5. I've found a way, twice, to get in the place outside of those perimeters. It's close to work, it's pretty high security, easy access for anyone with physical ailments. It's spacious. I could have a roommate if I wanted and never see them.
Long story short, We were going for it. Each step along the way there were road blocks. I had to think: If a bunch of things have to fall in place for this to happen then it's probably not meant to be. It frustrated me. Stressed me out. Took away my appetite. In the process of it all I put in my 30 days notice at the apartment. I called myself "moving forward with faith." I was terrified of being homeless if it didn't work out. So I kept busy with packing up the apartment, and looking for a plan B while trying to maintain my mind at work. In the mean time my car kept breaking down every 2 weeks taking up any extra funds I was saving for new furniture or other expenditures for a new place. I paid for things in the previous month with an understanding of being reimbursed and that never happened. I was basically in a situation where I had to come up with the remainder of my down payment because I used it for other things.
We got to a point of an estimated closing date. although I was excited for it, i knew i wouldn't have all the down payment by that date. In the back of my mind I kept hearing the same thing: It will happen, It will take some work but it will happen the money will come. So I went with it. As the estimated closing date got closer I basically said to myself. If this is going to happen, it's going to happen in a way that I know it was only God. For that to happen I need to close ON the date of October 27Th and not a day before. The estimated closing date came and other stumbling blocks showed up pushing it back.
It was stressing me out and stressing out the people around me who realized I could be homeless by the end of the month. I simply smiled, ignored the fear in myself and said... "It's just GOD workin it out!" Finally we got everything in and to underwriting and they gave me the closing date of October 27Th. Up until the morning of closing, things continued to crop up including another car repair the weekend before. The best thing of all that cropped up was the estimated closing cost was a thousand dollars less than expected and my there was basically a 1 month credit for my HOA fees.
I'm typing this blog as a new property owner from inside MY HOME! And it, indeed, happened in a way that was only God. And he put together a PHENOMENAL team of people to work his plan.

STUCK ON STUPID!

2011-10-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

For the last month it feels like my whole mind has been on big stupor. That being said it makes me feel like I've been S.O.S: Stuck On Stupid making one careless mistake after another. That being the case I know its time for me slow down, look inside, take inventory and have, what we black folks, a "come to Jesus meeting."

I've been going back through the month trying to see if the Lord has been tossing pebbles at me to get my attention.

Cuz y'all know first he'll toss little pebbles at you to try and get your attention, then He'll start throwing bricks.

I've been kind of drifting in a lazy current waiting to see if the purchase of a condo I'm under contract for will go through. It's feeling like on small set back after another. I've been trying to move forward in faith but it's been a little half-assed. I know if the Lord wants me in this place then I'll be in this place. I trust the Lord will place me where I'm supposed to be. I must know that his plan for me is way better than my own. I know where I want to be and he knows where I belong. He not only knows it but he's got the gps on how to get me there. I keep ignoring that gps trying to get there on my own so the Lord has been throwing up these little road blocks here and there. I should be stopping and paying attention but instead I just flip a u-turn, back track wasting time, money and resources just to find another way to run into another set back.

Last Monday I was in a car accident. That's when it hit me (literally) that I need to start paying more attention to what God is telling me. The first thing that went through my mind was... "Really, Lord? REALLY?" Kind of like " you've gotta be kidding me what the hell...?

The Lord answered.. "REALLY, child. REALLY"

The rest of the week it's been occurring to me that I've been ignoring my G.P.S and trying to work things out on my own. I know God has been working things out too but I haven't inquired of him as to what I should be doing to prepare for his work.

Today it's occurring to me that it's not necessarily what I am or am not doing regarding the purchase of my Condo. It's more in regards to what I am and am not doing in my life. It's been a while since I've had conversations with the Lord on a daily basis like I used to. YET I EXPECT HIM TO BLESS AND REMEMBER ME DAILY. When things go wrong, I expect him to help fix it. When I want something really bad I expect him to give it. When I get stuck on stupid I expect him to accept and over look it while I have no intentions of coming out of it anytime soon. Lately I've been expecting the MAX from him while I give the minimal output. I've been forgetting my GPS:

I'm reminded of Doctrine & Covenants 82:10 I, the Lord, am abound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise. And Proverbs 3:5-6
5.Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

I am far from perfect and doing all I know I should regarding the Gospel Of Jesus Christ. I have no shame in that confession. The shame is in the laziness and uncaring way I've Ignored those little pebbles Heavenly Father has been tossing at me to get my attention. I am grateful for a Father in Heaven who allows me the agency and mind to make choices good and bad. For him to take that power away he would cease to be GOD. I'm grateful for the hell in my life that allows me to over come and teaches me more about who I really am and allows me to recognize those weaknesses I need to strengthen. More than anything I'm grateful for a Loving Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ,who, when I sometimes turn my back and walk away, I know they are always there when I Do turn back around, with arms stretched out still.

September 21st My Favorite Day!

2011-09-20T23:02:00.000-07:00

Favorite Day, You say? Why would anyone pick September 21st as a favorite day? I'll tell you why someone would pick today as a favorite day. I'll tell you in 4 words: EARTH WIND AND FIRE! Yeah I'm serious. My favorite band: EARTH WIND AND FIRE. They happen to sing my favorite song: SEPTEMBER! Ok well that might explain why I like the Month of September. But why the DAY September 21? Anyone familiar with song will know this! The very first verse of the song! Let's say it ALL TOGETHER:

Do you remember the
21st night of September?
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away!

To make it even that much sweeter! I found a GOSPEL VERSION of my favorite Song! BONUS!! Check it out!

Awesome, right? That also happens to be my future wedding date if Marriage ever happens! The beauty of that day? I'll of course open up my wedding reception with my favorite song! PERFECT right? RIGHT?! I have decided Each Year on this Day to throw a party. And Earth Wind and Fire Party! And just laugh and dance the night away. This is the one song that puts me in a great mood no matter what! I just can't sit still when I hear it. Can you? Try it! I DARE YOU! I invite everyone to Borrow my favorite day and my favorite song and laugh and dance the night away. Even if you're just sitting at home, put on some Earth Wind and Fire and DANCE! BOOGIE WONDERLAND! I promise you will not be able to wipe the smile off your face and stop your feet from tapping! Try it! I DARE YA!

Let's Nourish Each Other!

2011-08-14T07:40:00.001-07:00

What are some of your favorite inspirational poems, thoughts, scriptures or songs?

When you walk to the edge of all the light you have
and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown,
you must believe that one of two things will happen:
There will be something solid for you to stand upon,
or, you will be taught how to fly. ~ Patrick Overton

ALL THE SINGLE LADIES!!!!

2011-08-02T14:00:00.005-07:00

To all the single ladies in such a hurry to get married, here's a quick piece of Biblical advice:

Ruth patiently waited for her mate Boaz. While waiting on YOUR Boaz, don't settle for ANY of his relatives: Brokeaz, Poaz, Lyinaz, Cheatinaz, Dumbaz, Cheapaz, Lockedupaz Goodfornothinaz, Lazyaz or Marriedaz and especially his third cousin Beatinyoaz. Please, wait on your Boaz & make sure he respects Yoaz!!

FEELING BROKEN? GET SOME G.L.U.E!!!!

2011-06-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year! We're running into my goofy,crazy,koo-koo season. Since 2008 each June and July has been a tough time for me. Whether I like it or not my Mind and body react to a couple of trauma's that happened during these months. It officially started last Tuesday when I found myself in my car 10:00 at night crying uncontrollably and driving around with no particular destination in mind. It's fascinating the physical signs of a relapse: My vision gets cloudy and everything looks overcast. I get nauseated, no appetite, very sleepy. When I say very tired I mean as I laid my head down on the table while out to lunch with a friend and went to sleep while she was talking to me. Because I will sleep for hours my sleeping patterns are off. Monday, Tues and Wed of this week I came home from work at 5:00pm was sleep by 6:00pm. woke up around 11pm. had some dinner, stayed up til 4:00am. Slept til 7:00am and was at work by 8:30am. I also know during this time I get up in the middle of the night and cook. I'm supposed to do things to reiterate feeling happy, comfortable, joyful and so on. I love to cook, so I cook. I watch old funny movies that make me laugh and feel good. I sleep. I sleep and I sleep. It's a process. This can happen several times during these 2 months or just once. I don't know. But I do know how to deal with it. I keep things low stress, low key and it's all about me during these times. I do what makes me happy during that time and it's all about me!

I had a break down in a favorite grocery store a couple of years ago. I made myself go back to that store and recreate the experience so it didn't become connected to the trauma part of it all. Each year that rolls along will put less significance into the situation. Time will eventually heal and my body and mind will eventually put less importance on this "anniversary."

Starting this year, I've put myself on a 5 year program! For at least the next 5 years I'm taking the "anniversary" date of the incident off of work and Im going to Re-create an AWESOME TIME for myself so that as this time rolls around each year I'll have that experience to draw back on instead of the trauma. And then every week or two until after those crazy dates, I'll do the same. Create absolutely brilliant experience to draw back on. It doesn't have to be something HUGE and expensive, but something meaningful and pleasing. As these events being to fill my life there will be less time for the remembrance of the trauma.

That being said. next weekend will be a 4 day weekend. I'm going somewhere and doing something.
Oh... my blog title! In the last 3 years I've cried, I've been frozen scared to the point of not being able to move. I've been ill, 6 months of my memory is gone, and it's hard for me to remember things. It's hard for me to go certain places that I need to be. Some places I still avoid most of the time.
Sounds like hell doesn't it? I spent time feeling trapped and a prisoner in my own home
.

Let me tell you something: In all the hell I've gone through, the hours of tears, fears and other crap-o-la that comes with having this life interruption, not once did I ever feel abandoned or alone. I never felt I couldn't get through it. I never felt I would be stuck in a deep dark depressing hole. I always knew and still know that this experience, no matter how long it lasts will not ruin or prevent me from living a great and fabulous life! Each time I felt broken or as if I were falling apart I felt the comfort of my Savior Jesus Christ and the Love of God our Heavenly Father. Each time something new came up I had the strength and desire to do what it takes to get through it for the most part. When I called upon the Heaven's for help it came readily, and abundantly and reassuringly letting me know that no matter where I was, I would be met with what I need. And after 3 years I've been met with what I need.

So I guess my point is I'm not waiting for life to be all roses and chocolate to let everyone know that Heavenly Father and his blessings and protection are real. We go through things and sometimes question why and get angry at the Lord for allowing things to happen. But men and women have morals that govern our actions. Our greatest gift if our agency which was never free. If God were to take this away from man then he would cease to be God. Obstacles are placed in our lives and we either learn to use those obstacles as stepping stones or we trip over them and complain more about it which gets us no where.
Where you are falling about and feeling broken, Just remember your G.L.U.E: God Loves Us Eternally!!!

DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING

2011-05-15T07:43:00.001-07:00

Somewhere between "Jesus Loves Me This I know, for the bible tells me so" and "I need to get out of this mess" We forgot the stuff in between. As children we believed that Jesus Loved us. We talked to him. We sang of him. We did it in the open and out loud and unashamed.
As we get older and often times not wiser we tend to lose our connection to believing that "Yes, Jesus Loves Me.
Through our own agency we venture into the world and experiment. Some of us experiment with little things like... speeding, coming in late for curfew, cheating on a test. Others experiment with Alcohol, drugs & cigarettes. Then there's those who experiment with embezzling, adultery and various kinds of abuse. We experiment in cheating in various ways, lying in various ways stealing in various ways. Hopefully at some point our Conscious (that little child of God in side of us wanting to come clean and live guilt free)starts to nag at us persuading to do the right thing.
I believe most of us... we want to come clean, do the right thing and be guilt free. We just don't know how to start OR are afraid of the consequences.
Just as we fear those consequences the JOYS of shaking off the burden is so much Sweeter than the pains of carrying them. This is where Jesus comes in.
Why is it we feel like if we're in a mess, we can't call on those who can get us out of it? As a matter of fact we stay far away from the places that bring us out of our messes.
I'm reminded of a friend of mine who was going through a tough time. She said she said a quick prayer of help, then went to the bar. I said to her:
"HOW EXCITING!"
She looked at funny and asked me what would be so exciting about going to the bar.

"When you said your quick prayer, Jesus said.. "meet me at the bar!" right?"

She looked at me and said "of course not..."

"Oh, well since you asked for help and so readily went out I though he might have told you to meet him there to help set a game plan to tackle the issues you're having."

Still looking at me funny.

"I mean when you have serious issues you created some kind of plan to take care of it, right? Like finding options and ways to lessen the problem and increase your success over them."

She was having a light bulb moment.

"Girl, you know Jesus will meet you where you are if you ask him...AND listen to him. Did you pause a few minutes for inspiration? Or did you pray and just leave Jesus hanging?"
*She left him hangin'* (Those were her words, not mine)
I think when we get so deep into certain situations we figure we're too deep. So we try to dig ourselves out only to fall deeper or make no progress.

This, my friends is where that pesky devil comes into play with his mantra: You aren't worthy of his love. You aren't worthy of his blessings. You don't deserve his help. He won't hear your prayers. You're too far gone, forget about it.

Simply by being a child of GOD that gives us the right to pray and be heard. Every child has the right to ask their parent for love, guidance, protection and assistance. But we've got to be prepared to do what is needed on our end to receive that assistance. YOU MUST BE READY FOR IT. Because if you aren't, you'll ignore it. Then you'll be leaving Jesus hangin.
When I say The Lord God and his son Jesus Christ will meet you where you are... I mean THEY WILL MEED YOU WHERE you ARE!
Jesus didn't sit in a throne dressed in fancy clothes and Jewelry and drive fancy chariots. He went out to where the people were. He walked with them, talked with them, broke bread with them. If you think about it, he's just like your Homie. You know how you can use your last quarter to call your homie to bail you outta jail?
You can use your first quarter to call Jesus to keep your from getting in jail.
No matter how far gone you are, how low you've reached and how long the journey back to feeling worthy and loved may be The Lord wants you to succeed. And usually he wants it more than we are which is why we aren't willing to put in the work.
All I'm saying is.... The Lord will Meet you at whatever level you're on. But you have to wait for him to give you the GPS Directions to where is. Think of GPS as: Genuinely Positive Steps.
Before you make that move remember: Take God with you wherever you go. And if you can't take him with you, then DON'T GO. Don't Leave Him Hangin... or else his sacrifice would have been in vain

I Hope You Have A Happy Mother's Day!!

2011-05-08T09:05:00.000-07:00

Today all over the Nation Mothers are opening cards and gifts, wearing flower corsages, enjoying fancy brunches, flower bouquets, sticky kisses from children's hands and faces smudged with the remnants of homemade breakfasts. Today Is Mother's Day. Mom's are getting dressed in their special outfits with hats and jewelry. During the Sunday Services flowers, bath salts, potpourri and other trinkets of love and appreciation will be handed out as a token of love and appreciation.

Sadly not all Mothers are enjoying these things.
For some mothers day is bitter sweet. There are mothers who lives don't revolve around their family. The strains of motherhood have become too much and they've abandoned their position to chase after other worldly interest. For some it's the love of a man.
For others it's addiction to alcohol and drugs. Others fall victim to mental and physical illness. And some to the selfish desires of the world have caused them to abandon motherhood. For those in this situation Mother's Day can be a painful memory and hated day.

In another perspective there are Mother's who have dedicated their lives to their children and grandchildren insuring they have the best possible chance of taking advantage of opportunities that may come knocking. They've sat in principles, police stations and Pastor's/Bishop's waiting rooms disappointed, nervous and frustrated. Only to end up bailing out kids again and again and again.

Mother's have opened their hearts, homes and wallets to children who can't stay out of jail, can't keep a job, can't catch up on bill, can't provide a stable living for themselves.
We have mama's who are bed ridden and house bound for the physical ailments of life with children who steal their savings, pension, and social security. Their homes are falling in around them, they hire other agencies to care for their mama's because they're too busy, too tired or just don't give a damn.

It's amazing to me how some mothers can care for all their children and all their children cannot care for one mom. It's a shame and an abomination to us all when mother's aren't properly cared for. Fore them, this day can be memories of sadness and feelings lack of gratitude and appreciation.

I believe that Mother's who are successful at raising their children to be good and positive influences in their communities and in society are the success of our Nation.
President David O. McKay said: . "No Amount Of Success Can Compensate For Failure in the Home."

Home is where we learn the basics of how to deal with the world. Done properly we're taught discipline, to share, be patient, communicate, cooperate, cook, clean, negotiate, obey, appreciation, a good work ethic, how to budget and save money, and how to be a good neighbors. We're also taught important gospel Principles, How to pray, have faith, forgiveness, our worth, being accountable for our actions and choices. I'm not suggesting only Mother's corner the market in teaching these things but as mothers when we leave the possibility of teaching these things to others outside the home we risk failing a child in the long run.

A happy mother's day shouldn't be once a year in the Month of May.
A happy mother's day should be every time a child brings home good grades, offers to help with house work or yard work. When a teacher or principle calls announcing how much your student has improved and added to the school community. Graduation from Educational or Religious classes. When they've gained employment. They call excited about a scholarship or promotion they've rec'd. Dropped what they though were friends who ended up going in a wrong direction. A phone call because they're bored but wanted to speak to you instead of the BF or the BFF. When there's an issue and they talk to you for the very best advice.
A happy mother's Day is when they leave the nest to start out on their own. When they're able to feed themselves, pay their bills and make decisions on their own that result in their success.

Happy Mother's day is being able to cut or in some cases Saw the apron strings and watch your child flourish and bring elements to the world you never knew they had in them.

Today all over the country we celebrate Mother's day. I hope for all the mothers of this world, those who gave birth, those who haven't given birth but take on that role no matter the circumstances, that Mother's Day is more than just 1 day in the month of May. May you have many of them throughout the year and your lives. I have enjoyed all of mine!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!

A Child Of God Went Home Today...

2011-05-01T22:16:00.000-07:00

Let me first state I am not a sympathizer. But as a Christian who believes we are all children of God, regardless of how we all feel about him, the truth is Osama Bin Laden is a child of God. And as the world rejoices at his death I believe the Lord weeps for his life. The world has hated him and his deeds. The were indeed of the most kind of evil.
We all watched in horror on 9/11/01

And we Cheered at the promise and threat of revenge. We swore that we would have our justice.

It's been almost 10 years and to the world Justice has been served.
And it's happened at the end of much heated political situation

Amongst my friends I have heard the following:
"Finally got the son of a *****! Have a great time in hell Osama!"

"Did The Apprentice get trumped by Obama's speech?"

There's much rejoicing. We Rejoice in the name of REVENGE! We Rejoice in the name of PEACE! We rejoice in the name of KARMA! We rejoice in the name of JUSTICE! And why not? That S.O.B Osama Bin Laden was killed. It's been long coming and the American public has waited almost 10 years to celebrate the news! It is a time for REJOICING!

OR Is It?

As Christians would this not be a time for mourning? Mourning, grief, sorrow. He, just like Hitler, just like Gandhi or Martin Luther King, or Timothy McVey, Pope John Paul, Gordon B Hinckley, Mother Theresa is a Child of God. Was he evil at heart? Was he a victim of someone else's agenda, hate, bigotry? No one is born evil it is learned.
Think for a minute of what his life could have been like with the right influences and examples if he possessed the same leadership qualities. What good could he have accomplished. What lives could he have blessed had he chose to go another way or lead a different life. There should be anger and weeping at what could have and should have been. But instead there is much rejoicing. I don't post this to judge or chastise or to fault those who do rejoice. I too am caught up in gladness. But I'm also saddened at the life that has been lost. When I say life lost I mean the good that COULD have happened at the hands of Osama Bin Ladin.

As the world rejoices at getting once last villain of evil off the streets and in the ground I just have one question. It's the same question one of my Sista's asked:
Who is going to do our lost brother's temple work?. Where do we draw the lines of our Christianity?
God Bless us EVERY ONE cuz we ALL need it.

What would you DO ...? Questions, Questions, Questions.

2011-04-22T23:24:00.001-07:00

"People often say that you don't know what you have until its gone. What would you DO to get it back? Would you apologize for the things you said and did? What would you GIVE to get it back? The last piece of gum? The expensive technology you own? The last swig alcohol? Or even your life? Find what's important to you. Cherish it. Love it. Be proud of it. It may be taken away before you know it" ~Kaitlynn Burge

I hijacked this quote from my friend. She's 17 years old and like a daughter to me. I found it very profound. And it got me to thinking of loyalties. How much we give lip service to satisfy a current disagreement or situation without any real intent of following through.
It got me thinking of integrity, and how much we say one thing and live and act another without a second thought.
It got me thinking of what effort we actually put into what we want to accomplish. Do we rely on others to get us our desires and when they fall short we blame, criticize and justify our own lack of motivation and laziness.

I'm glad Kaitlynn wrote this just before Easter Holiday.

When was the last time you were happy truly truly happy and satisfied with life?

When was the last time you could be spiritually uplifted and touched on a regular basis. Do you remember the state of your life at that time. What were you doing to maintain that spirituality? Did you Nurture it on a regular basis? Did you hang around with people who were positive and uplifting. Was your entertainment something that let you feeling exhilarated and full of love and life?

Are there people in your life you're at odds with that you miss? Family member you haven't talked to in years? Are YOU unforgiving of shortcomings while presenting shortcomings yourself? Are you wrong in a situation but too proud to admit it or apologize so you find reason after reason to make up situations to justify it?

I had and experience the other day to which I finally gave up my own way in a situation. That situation turned out soo much better than what I could have done myself. I know that my way is not always the best way, or the right way.

What would you really truly do to have real peace, love, comfort & security?

Would you apologize for the things you've done or said?
What would you GIVE? The last peace of gum? The expensive technology you own?

What have others done and given up for you? Grandparents? Parents? Spouses? Siblings? Soldiers and country men? Friends? Strangers?

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son..."

Would you give your life for those you love? Maybe not in the way Christ gave his life for us. What about those simple and sometimes inconvenient ways? Help a stranger change a tire? Babysit for a tired young mother. Take a meal to a single loneley old man? Send a letter or make a phone call to someone on your mind?

What about the God who gave his only begotten son? Would you speak to him on a daily basis? Read his words in Holy Scripture and liken them unto your life?

There is one who love use enough to bleed from every pore of his body. Allowed his hands and fee to be nailed to a wooden cross.

Do you dedicate your life to him the way he dedicated his death to us?
Does that dedication end at Tithing? 9:00 am meeting time slot? Sex? Liquor? Someone having offended us?
Thinks of where you are Mentally, physically, Spiritually, emotionally, psychologically? Is it where you would like to be? If not, to get to that point, what would you do?

Im DONE Wondering If The Lord Loves Me.

2011-03-10T21:12:00.000-08:00

Done! Finished! NO MORE!
I have been physically ill since Thanksgiving. I've had an upper respiratory virus that lasted 2 weeks, laryngitis 2 weeks after that a month later back at the doctors because my ears felt blocked and were itching. They cleaned them out, I believe the exact wording was "they're pristine! No infection, no problems. But in their cleaning they gave me motion sickness so badly I had to lie down in the Dr's office for an hour before going home. They gave me an RX for the itching irritation and the Motion Sickness.Exactly 1 week later I was back in the Dr's office with an outer and inner ear infection. I rec'd an RX for antibiotic and different drops. If you're keeping track that brings us to February.

2nd week in February I have an appointment with my new rheumatologists. I've been feeling out of remission for about a year. called for an appt in October, they couldn't get me in until Jan. A week before my appt, they sent me a notice my appointment has been bumped back a month. When it finally did arrive they Took 8 Xrays of my hands and feet and sucked 14 vials of blood from me. FOURTEEN!
Talk about exhaustion.
10 days later
Presidents weekend I dragged my daughter,her best friend, my sister, sister in law and favorite person to Vegas for a late celebration of my daughter's 21st birthday. Awesome weekend. AWESOME. 3 hours after getting home I found myself in my bathroom with the newest version of the viral stomach flu. It was fast and furious:

"intense muscle aches, cramps and chills which precede nausea, abdominal pain, vomiting and/or diarrhea. Vomiting and diarrhea usually temporarily relieve the nausea and pain."
I had all of the above. ALL OF IT. To the tune of losing 10 lbs in 24 hours. TYPICALLY it lasts 1-10 days. This week is the first week in 10 days I've been able to have 2 meals in a row w/o feeling sick or running to the bath room with the poop soup. 1 day into the stomach virus I began to get a raised itchy rash from waist to toes. Day 2 of the stomach virus I got a stiff neck that is still giving me a slight problem (hard to drive when your neck doesn't turn all the way.

Now also keep in mind my Immune system is shot from a PTSD Breakdown almost 3 years ago.So Mentally, emotionally and socially I've been ill for almost 3 years. According to research (and my therapist/doctor) that can last 5-11 years. That's right, up to 11 years with a weakened Immune system. I have been sick more in the last 3 years (including the swine flu and pneumonia for the first time ever) than in the last 15 years.

During the deepest times of the PTSD I lost my memory and still haven't retained it for half of 2008. It effects my ability to retain memory. I put on quite a bit of weight that I'm slowly working off ( that flu virus helped) The bishop you got me the help I needed the day of my break down and the couple weeks after committed suicide behind our church buildings a month after my break down and now I have hard time being in church buildings. When I do go I'm so anxious and jumpy I haven't really paid attention to anything and am trying to figure out how to avoid elderly men (which is who caused the the ptsd in the first place.)

It has been a tough, tough, tough 2 3/4 years;
Can I just tell you during all this time... even when I was curled up in fetal position on my couch waking long enough to cry and eat and then sleep again for the first 2 month, I have NEVER felt alone or abandoned by my Heavenly Father.
Not once did I feel alone. I knew and have always known it was going to be a long and tough healing process. I knew this road was going to take years to travel down. This healing process is going to take the rest of my life. I'm in it for the long haul. And so is my Heavenly Father.
I made it to the LDS Genesis Branch last Sunday, still feeling the final effects of the stomach virus. As friends greeted me with hugs I stiffened and winced in pain, my neck still aching and stomach still nauseated.
Brother Eddie asked how I was doing I mentioned I've basically been sick since Thanksgiving.
He replied...
"Have you had blessing?" Are you kidding me? I thought. ARE YOU KIDDING? I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it. Was I really that removed that i didn't think of it? I was that removed.

"I have not had a blessing," I responded. It was clear to me I needed one.
Brother Eddie sort of smiled and said... "well if you want one this is a great place to get one!" Then he walked away to tend to some other business.

A few minutes later he walked back and said... "well?"
I said... "Let's do it!"
It had been 2 years minus 1 day exactly since I had my last blessing. My last blessing had been the night of March 5th 2009. That was the night before I was speaking at a funeral. The reason I got a blessing that night was because I have a phobia of funerals, Caskets, Hearst, funeral flowers. All of those things would give me nightmares for days. You can read that experience somewhere on either this blog or my other blog.
I was Escorted to a room. In filed a ROYAL PRIESTHOOD. I was expecting one brother to anoint and on to bless. But when the brethren finished filing in there was:
genesis President, first and second counselor, 2 missionaries, and 2 other brothers who are very special to me and my friends Sister Tish.
As I was anointed and they placed their hands in my head and pronounced a blessing of healing and love upon me, I knew all would be well. Many times in this blessing I heard the words " Karyn,Heavenly Father loves you." I felt it. I believe it. I heard it. I know it. Beyond all doubts. To the point where I will never wonder again of the Love my Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ have for me.

*YES, Jesus Loves Me. What's NOT to Love?*

...And We Are All Connected To Each Other...

2011-02-18T08:43:00.000-08:00

Boy I love how connected we are in the gospel. Its very rare that I can do something or go some place where I'm not recognized or known to some degree.

My daughter's 21st bday was on the 27Th of January. A few of us decided to take her to Vegas. Don't panic, we're doing this Vacation MORMON STYLE. Showing her how to have a good time w/o getting plastered or in trouble.

She and her roommate came down about 5:30 last night because we're leaving this morning. Last night about 8:30 we decided to head over to Wal-mart to get some last minute provisions. Everyone was out in the car waiting when I came out. Or so I thought. I walked down the stairs and headed toward the parking lot only to hear my daughters voice..
"Mom, Come here!" In the parking lot was my daughter and her roommate standing in front of red SUV talking to another young lady their age. I hear my daughter's voice say..
"again I apologize if I did it..."
I walk up to them and and ask
..."What's going on?"
This little imp of a girl and a soft snotty voice said...
"Your daughter dinged my car..."
And I said... " OK where is it.."
She points to 3 dark spots on the door of the SUV. Since it was dark out I couldn't see anything. And I said...

"point again to where she dinged it because I don't see anything..."

she retorted
"well obviously its dark so you're not going to see it...but this is my parents car."

"OK fine, get me an estimate and send me the bill." I tell her.

I told her my apartment number and my name.

" You have to understand it's my parents car and I need this taken care of."

..."again.. get me an estimate, you know my name, have my phone number and now you know where I live..."

Wait.... Let me show you what she was talking about....

Now if any of you out there see any freshly new Dings from a Blue car please email me cuz I can't find anything....

This Chicky is going on and on about how her car is dinged and so I told her...

"Well let's take pictures of it for MY insurance company." I said.

I go inside and get my digital and click the pictures I have posted. I STILL can't see anything.
I took pictures in the areas she pointed. Still not seeing anything fresh.
Again I asked her to get an estimate from her insurance company and give me a copy.
I also asked her how in the world can a car door make 3 different marks in the shape of a triangle more than 3 inches apart from each other.
Her Response?

"obviously I don't know how the car door hit but it must have been the front and back door."
I said... "so you believe both her car doors are long enough to reach the same spots where those marks are on your car?"

She said "Obviously in the dark you cant see well."

"OK. then drive over there by the light post where I CAN see."

She drove over to the light I followed her with my camera and when we got into the light, I still wasn't buying her story. But she wanted to play the game, So I decided to play the game. Because I'm a better player.

She asked me for my insurance information. I laughed and said... "Nooo, but get me that estimate." She asked if I had Insurance. I laughed again. Oh I have insurance I told her.
She pressed again for my insurance information.
I told her
"not happening girl. You have all the info you need from me including my ph#, name and where I live. Get yourself the estimate for those smudges so I can turn them into my insurance company and they can compare with with their estimates."
THEN SHE WENT TO FAR!
She had the audacity to say:
"How do I know you will keep your word?"
In my mind I said..
"DOUBLE-YEW-TEE-AYCH! WTH! WHAT THE HELL!" (This was a hell moment not a heck moment)

What actually came out of my mouth was...
" YOU CALL THE POLICE! Call the police. Let's make a Police report. MAKE ME keep my word. I'll wait while you call them."
She pissed me off.
Then I walked back over to my daughter's car and let them know what's going on. And told them I'm making her call the police and make a police report. After abt 15 minutes "Lili" walked over to where I was with my daughter, her best friend and my nephew.
"Are the police on the way?"
I asked?
She hadn't called them yet. The police station is 1/2 a mile down the street. we could have all walked or driven in the time it's taking her to call them.
After another 15 minutes we saw a police truck pull up to "lili" and get out.
The officer walked around the car, made some notes jumped in his truck and then came over to where we were parked.

He got out of his car and asked what happened. My daughter told her part of the story:
3 hours ago she came home from college from the weekend saw the girl in her SUV next to where she parked, got in the trunk got her stuff out of the car and went in the house. 3 hours later this girl comes up to her as we're going to the store and says she dinged her SUV.

"Lili" told the police she was in her vehicle on the phone, felt the car door hit her car. She stayed on the phone, went to the work out room to work out and before she left decided to see if there were some damages. That's when she saw the 3 marks on her car doors.

So the police officer checked my daughter's car and saw no paint marks on the door or the car. His exact words as he was looking were..
"No... No... Nope... and NO"
He took my name and my daughters name. Explained this was not a criminal matter but a civil matter (like Judge Judy)and she would need to take us to civil court And if she wanted to spend the time and money to go that direction let her go for it.
I explained my daughter goes to school in Logan and asked if she would have to come down from school for it. He said if it went that far, yes, but he really didn't think she was going to go that far.
Then he looked at my daughter and said... "USU??" My daughter said... "Yes!" and he responded...
"me too." Cool. They are both USU Alumni.
He then mentioned that even if it did go as far as civil court she wouldn't win, those scratches have been on her car for a while and those black marks can be rubbed off with her fingernail. We kind of laughed.

The officer then asked me if I was from Kalamazoo. I had on a Kalamazoo Hoodie.
I told him I grew up about 20 minutes from Kalamazoo in Battle Creek. He said he grew up behind the Lakeview Hills Mall. I asked him if he was a Lakeview Spartan.. Cuz
"If you're a Lakeview Spartan we're not supposed to be friends..."
We laughed and he said he grew up in Hastings.
I asked him how he ended up in Utah and he said his job. He asked me how I got here I mentioned going to Ricks College/BYU-Idaho and then just staying.
He asked if I was LDS, I said I was. He said his family went to the Battle Creek Ward, And that his brothers best friend's in laws live out here and they come out here alot.
I asked him who his brother's best friends were. He told me. I knew them. He also also said his Mother used to speak alot about a Brother Dudley in the ward. That would be my father.
I asked him what his names was. The name was Hauntingly familiar. I asked his Parents name. He told me.
"OH MY GOSH!! ARE YOU THE BABY?" He was the baby. They moved from our ward when he was about 5 years old. He had 2 older brother. BOTH were amazing baseball players. I remember going to their house with my mom and spending hours visiting teaching, folding laundry and just chatting away the afternoon.
This officer was born when his next oldest brother was 16 or 17. He was such a surprise to everyone when he showed up. I told him he'll have to let him mom know he ran into one of the Dudley Kids. He said he was going back home next month and would let everyone know.
He also said not to worry about the car situation, just let her do what she's gonna do and get the police documentation if needed and things will be fine. Sounds like he really encouraged Lili to save her time and money. On 'ding' look like a scratch that had been painted over. Any insurance company would look at it and laugh.

I felt pretty good about the whole thing. I felt sort of bad for Lili who sort of was in the back ground watching the reunion feeling a bit stupid I'm sure. But seriously if you're going to play a game, make sure you know who the players are and how well they play. I think she was some kid who for some reason needed some money and created what she felt was an opportunity. I was willing to take the estimate and my photos to my insurance company and have them deal with it. But she pushed me. Questioned my integrity. She went too far. So I gave her what she wanted...she can take me to court and MAKE ME keep my word. Go for it Lili.

I actually want to thank Miss Lili for being such a desperate little thing. Were it not for her, I may not have had this reunion with the friend from back home. I'll be contacting my parents and letting them know and seeing if they can get in touch with some family friends from the Home ward back in Battle Creek.

We really are all connected to each other, where the gospel is concerned. ONE more reason I LOVE being A Member of the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter Day Saints!
*PS.. get a Kalamazoo, MI hoodie, It's brought me great luck and I've met lots of cool people who have actually been there*

Have A Happy New Year, But don't make slap you!

2011-01-01T01:58:00.000-08:00

2011 Welcome! This year already came in some crazy kinda way! I spent the "EVE" with my family in Downtown SLC EVE Celebration. It was pretty fun extremely cold. abt 9 degrees outside. We layered up and rode the trax train (metro) down into the city. There was quite a bit going on:Bandstands set up with local bands playing. Outdoor fire circus. Ice Sculptures, snow board/ski jump exhibition, Charlie Chaplin film shorts, Improv Comedy, Lazer music shows, Karaoke, Sing-a-longs, and so much more! They had little "hobo heaters" you could huddle around to keep warm.

The venues were from temple square to the gateway. And the Metro was free for anyone with an EVE pass.
All in all we all would do it again. It was a good time for 10 bucks.
About 11:25 we decided it was time to go home. So we headed toward the traxx jumped on our train and headed home. We decided we'd hit a Denny's for some late night dinner and then head on home to start our new year. There was a Denny's restaurant just off one of the train stops so that would make it convenient.

This year we would start the New Year on the METRO. While waiting for our train a young man stepped on the platform unsure which train to take. He was with his friends for the evening and got separated from them so he was headed home. He was a bit turned around in his directions so I asked him where he was going and he mentioned the city just north of where we were headed. home. He had on a thin jacket, no hood or scarf. It was 11 degrees out with a bitter wind. I told him to stick with us until it was time for him to get off at his stop.
We rode the train and at each stop looked for our Denny's. We couldn't remember which stop it was on.
I enjoy riding the traxx. There are characters on there and incidents that make you look for the hidden camera cuz it HAS to be a joke or prank.
At one point the train came to a sudden stop. The Engineer got out of her car and kicked 2 people off. Not sure what was going on but I'm glad it wasn't me. IT's cold outside.
There was a man and his girlfriend and their young child, probably abt 4 yrs old arguing. He had been yelling and cussing her out since before we got on the train and she decided to stick up for herself. At one point she yelled... "Oh you're break up with me on New year's eve??? I DON'T THINK SO!!" As if she had a choice. We learned later her name is TRACI.
Also there was another couple on the train, Kit and his boyfriend. We never learned his name he was kind of quiet for most of the trip. As it got closer to the new year each stop we encountered had people yelling and waving happy new year.
About 11:55 KIT and my Sister In Law Cassie get the count down and at Midnight we all yelled and screamed Happy New year! I lead the people in our car in Singing Auld Lang Syne:
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne!

Chorus.-For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne."

We gave out handshakes hugs and kisses to those on our train car and became fast friend however temporary it was we were bonded for our time together. Oddly enough we weren't seeing any Denny's at the stops and then it dawns on me the Denny's is at OUR stop! Duh!r
As we get to our stop we call out our Happy New Years to our friends and exit the train. As we're heading for the car I see a Silhouette in the parking lot of 2 people who appear to be sharing a new years kiss in the parking lot. I can kind of hear them speaking. Before I could turn my head one silhouette pushes the smaller one away and starts speaking In low angry tones.
I hear a female voice saying
"please... I'm cold."
The man turned and started walking away He had thick plaid jacket on and she slowly walking behind calling "PLEASE...I"m cold! The man kept walking away. I stopped to "observe" the situation a little more.
"Please....? She was calling to him! He kept walking. My daughter had stopped as well to "observe." The man turned around and came back to her, took off his jacket and draped it around her for a few seconds and they began to walk together. After about 3 steps he yanked his coat off of her and started walking away again.
My daughter Said it just as I thought it...
"NO! UH UH... I don't think so" She started walking toward them and I was right behind her. This man took off walking again and the young woman was crying...
"Please! Please I'm cold! PLEASE!!!!.....)
She had on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and some sneakers. No coat. No gloves. No hat. No scarf. No boots.

As my daughter and I took off walking after this couple and this Jerkhole of a man was putting some distance between himself and this woman, her screams became more shrieking and panicked and she crying and trembling so badly she was hardly able to walk. She followed behind him as best as she could. It was obvious at that point that whoever this guy was he couldn't care any less how this woman was feeling.
We were all quickly approaching her and I grabbed my daughter's arm and sort of pushed her behind me so I was ahead because we were all about to have a confrontation. I turned my head and saw my nephew and sister in law behind us.
I called out to her...
"Excuse me, do you need some help?"
She was crying and shivering so much she couldn't hear me. But Jerk-hole turned around and sort of looked right at me and stopped for the young woman to catch up, then draped his arm around her and turned and kept on walking. She was clinging to him for warmth and still crying.
"please. Please I'm soo cold, Please!"

Im thinking... "aw hell naw!"

I quickened my pace and called out to them just as they reached the corner...
"Hey!" They both turned around.
I Walked up to her and asked her If I could help her.
She was shaking, crying. It was below freezing and I don't blame her.

I asked her... "Would you like my coat? My car is just over there so I don't really need it and I have others at home?"
She pulled away from him and stepped toward me.
"Do you need this?" I asked her?
Jerk-hole said "she has a coat just right over there!" and pointed the next block over. I shot him a a look: "Shut the hell up and don't make me slap you!"

I started cleaning my pockets out, handing my wallet, cell, camera, earring, to my family who was now around me.
I took off my coat and put it on the woman who was sobbing by this time. She quickly wrapped it around her crying
"thank you! Oh thank you so much your are an angel..."
Jerkhole thought he'd take the opportunity to say one more time...
"she has a coat already..."
This time nephew said
"You know what? don't worry about it, we got this!"
The women tried to zip p the coat but couldn't grasp the zipper. I kneeled down and zipped her coat. My sister in law put on her hood and I took off my favorite scarf, wrapped it around her neck and face and asked her if there was anything else we can do for her.
She thanked us again, said she would be ok.
"Happy New Year" I told her as she hugged me.
"I hope it gets better for you" I said to her and shot Jerk-hole a "please say something so I can slap the crap outta you" look.

Jerk-hole again wrapped his arms around her and they walked toward the corner. Me and my family turned and walked back toward the parking lot quickly to clean off and jump in the car. When I get cold, I break out into hives, swell up and itch so I jumped in the car while the others cleaned it off. It was so cold the car windows were frosted over on the inside.
My heart went out to this woman. I was sad for her suffering and pissed off she was at the mercy of someone who all but left her in the snow to freeze. We were all quite a distance from any kind of warm building in this kind of cold and they were walking to their destination.
I hope she's truly ok and I hope she loses the jerk-hole!
To everyone out there remember this:
Have a Happy New year...But Don't make me slap you! We are NOT playin this game in 2011.

If this is a sign of what's to come this year then I'm ready.
C'mon 2011, no regrets BRING IT ON!

A SOUP BONE FO YO POT!

2010-12-07T15:02:00.000-08:00

When the LDS Genesis Branch has their annual Christmas party things can get a little crazy: www.ldsgenesisgroup.org if you've never checked out the webesite, go for it.

For YEARS I've found myself in the kitchen sometimes by assignment, sometimes by volunteering myself out of need. Last year and this year I ended up in the kitchen and have quit enjoyed it. By now, after 7 years being in the kitchen I have some things pretty much down to a science. Myself and 4 other people can prep food and get it moving in and out to feed the masses of between 300-upt to 700 people sometimes over the years.
When you come to a Genesis Christmas party, The Branch Provides the meat: Smoked Turkey and Smoked Ham ( We use some folks who who built their own smoker and it is a B.E.A.U.TIFUL thing. ) Last year the men who sliced the meat for us and was throwing away the ham bones. Do you know what happens when you in a black woman's kitchen and start messing around and throwing the wrong stuff away? They learned pretty quickly. One of the gentleman from last year had to educate his buddy from this year: Leave the skin on the turkey and don't throw away the Ham bones. There was much peace in the valley of the kitchen this year.

Why so much flack over the Ham bones you say? Let me tell ya what a ham bone means. For those who don't eat pork, you can preplace the word "ham" with soup.

Back in the day when you had dinner, times were such that you didn't throw anything away. You kept ,onions and potatoe skins, bones, leafs and root of your celery and carrots, meat fat, skin, bones, herbs and spices and create even more meals with it: soup, stock, stews and what not.

What people anxiously toss out today was life sustaining in the "olden" days.

There's a story about a Black LDS Pioneer woman by the name Jane Manning James that goes like this:

She and her family; Husband Issac, and son Sylvester left Nauvoo with the saints in 1846 to head west. During the trek she gave birth in Winter Quarters, Nebraska (yes thats a real place even today) to another son they named Silas. Winter Quarters was a temporary settlement or housing quarters for persecuted and pioneering LDS mbrs during the winter months.

In 1847 Jane and her family left Winter Quarters for What is now the SL Valley. During that time food, provisions and the very basic necesities of life were barely obtainable.

In her own words she Jane says:

"“Oh how I suffered of cold and hunger and keenest of all was to hear my little ones crying for bread, and I had none to give them.”

What she could share, she shared with her neigbors.

One of her friends Wrote the following in her behalf:

Eliza Partridge Lyman, whose husband had just left for a mission to California, wrote:
“April 13th [1849] … May the Lord bless and prosper them and return them in safety. He left us without anything from which to make bread, it not being in his power to get it. … Jane James, the colored woman, let me have two pounds of flour, it being half of what she had.”

Times are rough right now for many of us and hard.... THIS hard for others. Some of us don't feel the pinch of the times and some of us will never have to worry about saving scraps of food and bones to eat.

What does ALL THIS have to do with Soup bones you ask? Ima tell ya.

Back to the Genesis Christmas party. When we have this party is when most people are introduced to collard greens, black eye'd peas and some of the other Traditional African American foods: Sweet Potato Pie and such. We make plates for some of the Genesis family who can't make it or show up late. We make plates and give food away to area missionaries and other people we know who could use it.

One man, very special to me, Let's call him Papa D. ( AKA Darius Gray) Each year we make sure we make a plate for him.

Last year at the 2009 Christmas party when we were tutoring our Caucausion Brothers on saving the soup bones, Papa D not feeling well was unable to attend the whole Christmat party. So I made him a tray for him and his family. He came to pick it up and I showed him what we wrapped. He gave a greatly appreciated "Thank You" and huge hugs and a kiss on the cheek. As he was turning away, I grabbed one of the Ham bones wrapped in aluminum foil and said...

"WAIT! I almost forgot! A Soup bone for yo pot!"

He looked at me with that brilliant beautiful smile of his grinnin from ear to ear and said...'

"Now that... right there... IS LOVE!" And I felt "the love" as well.

Whether you are sharing a cup o sugar, lb of flour or a soup bown fo yo neigbors pot, That kinda love comes from no other place. A place where Xboxes, and Flat Screens and even Diamonds can't reach. That kind of love is Rib stickin, bone warming and life sustaining and Soul nourishing.

May we all learn to give love in a way that wants us to give AND RECEIVE a soup bone fo yo POT!

High School Lesson RELEARNED at the age of 42

2010-10-30T19:53:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I was with a couple of friends and we were looking for something to do to pass away the evening. There were many choices in the location we were in: Piano Bar, Karaoke, Disco, Movie, Stage show, Comedian. We went to the Piano bar and despite our efforts to liven things up, it was lame. So we went to the Karaoke bar. That was fun for a while until the same chick kept getting up with more of a desire to "show off" her talent then that got boring. The Comedy Show was going to be starting in a few minute. I had no desire and didn't even consider it an option because after a certain time the shows are listed as being Rated R. I assumed the others would feel the same way.
It was then suggest to go to the comedy show. I raised my eyebrow and said "Really?"
"Yeah, lets go check it out."
I hesitated and then agreed. We settled into our spots and the one who suggested it ran really quick to the rest room. The other friends said... "she does realize it's a Rated R show, doesn't she?"
I nodded "yeah, she knows."
I suggested she and I switch places "in case I want to leave the show early."
So we switched places.
I'm sad to say that was one of the only good judgement call I used in that situation.

After a few moments the show began. Within about 10 minutes I found myself starting to shake and tear up and it was starting to be difficult to catch my breath.
I recognized that I was going into a Post Traumatic Stress Relapse. For a few minutes I was paralyzed and couldn't move.

The explicitly sexual filth coming from this "comedian" was actually causing trauma to my mind. I'm not sure at what point but I did find myself getting up and walking out. I rushed to the bathroom wiped my tears washed my face and wondered around for an hour or so.
I was so angry with myself for "following the crowd" which is something I'm not used to doing. I knew better. I knew the potential subjects of these so called comedians.
At first I was upset at the person who suggested we go see this Rated R comedian. I assumed we all had the same taste in certain things because basically we're all LDS and it caused me to think of this person a little differently.

Then I realized this was all on me. I have agency and the ability to make choices for myself. I can't trust what I believe to be right or wrong is what someone else also believes to be right or wrong. I put myself in a situation that could potentially cause undue trauma and distress to myself.

I have to remember that I now live in situation where I become highly sensitive to certain subject matter that can and does cause physical, mental and emotional trauma to me. My world is totally different than it was 2.5 years ago. I just cannot tolerate certain things anymore. And the more I learn about myself, those things are vile and disgusting anyway and if more people didn't tolerate them the world would be a better place.

I allowed someone else to make a decision for me that even though I questioned, I went along with. There's no way I can blame that choice on anyone but me. I made a bad choice in judgement pertaining to what I believe and want to stand for. I can't put that on anyone else but me.
When I experience things like this I always think of my daughter and how I would want her to handle the situation.
I would hope that if my daughter were in the same situation she would make a better choice than I did.

I relearned a high school lesson at the age of 42: Going along with the crowd and allowing anyone else to make a decision for you that you know is a bad decision is NEVER EVER going to be a good thing.

Memorial Day 2010: No Words Needed

2010-05-31T20:08:00.000-07:00

THANK YOU!

MORMON BINGO & ROULETTE

2010-05-18T19:28:00.000-07:00

Yup it's true. We say we don't gamble but we do play Bingo and Roulette. To make matters worse we play it right in Church at least once a month. MMMMHHH das right! There is somewhat of a method behind our madness.
Have pity on us, we are blessed to worship 3 hours every Sunday. At least. If you are even more blessed to be a Bishop, Stake President or a member of the congregation leadership, you get to spend even more time at church on Sunday. But wait... there's more! And if you act now, you can get your visiting and home teaching done as well which is probably another couple hours depending on how many sisters or families you have are assigned to fellowship.
Really, it's not so bad. After all it is a day of rest right? The Bible says so...
" 2 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
3 And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.
Ok so if you wanna be "technical" about it, it says GOD rested on the seventh day.
But Exodus 20:10 does say
But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates:

I must admit I'm one of those Mormon's who would rather not go or be visit taught/home taught on Sunday. 3 hours of Church is a wonderful and beautiful thing. Much more than that... can be over kill. My brain can only retain so much! Don't get me wrong I LOVE the Visiting Teaching and Home Teaching program. But come during the week... like on a Tuesday, say when I've been cussed out by customers all day... or On a Thursday when I just don't think I can take another work day and wanna smack everyone I see. Them are some of the times when I need me some Jesus Reinforcements the most!

I'm not saying this to discourage going or accepting VT or HT on Sunday. This is just my animated opinion on the thing. Often because it is sometimes hard to have a "DAY OF REST" on Sunday if you are a Mormon. No matter. Idle hands are... blah blah blah.

So with 3 hours of church and a primary and nursery full of kids our Sacrament meetings get to be somewhat "lively." Ok since I'm bloggin about church I may as well be honest... Sacrament meetings get to be somewhat loud!

If Sacrament is the 3rd hour of church instead of the 1st... quite frankly some of these kids have just HAD IT! They fuss and fight. The babies/toddlers throw their cheerios and get away from their parents and run around from bench to bench with an older sibling chasing them down.

So why Not BINGO or Roulette? To tell you the truth it helps us pay attention. It does, True Story. And it's fun for the whole family! Yes, that's right most of the whole family can play. I dare say we adults play it more fervently than the teens or the kids.
Typically we play this game once a month, the first Sunday of each month. We call it FAST AND TESTIMONY Sunday. The first Sunday of each month we skip 2 meals and give the money we would have spent on those two meals to the church for the church welfare system. I think our church is really cool in this department. We are extremely great at feeding and clothing the poor and those in need. Not just in our communities but Word Wide. I'm pleased to be apart of giving such offerings.
This is also the Sunday where the congregation is invited to stand up and bear witness of God, Jesus Christ and any other Gospel truth or principle and to openly give praise and Thanks.
Unfortunately too many of us use this as an opportunity to declare love to family, update us on their family vacations, boast about accomplishments that no one else really cares about or disclose some hardship and gain some sympathy.
You will hear phrases like:
"with every fiber of my being"
"without a shadow of a doubt"
" I feel so unworthy to stand before you today"
"this morning as I was praying"
"I don't usually cry but..."
"The church is true"
"On my mission..."
"President (insert first, current or prophet that just passed name here) is a true prophet"
and various, various other phrases.
It's also on This Sunday that we got out our Bingo Cards! That's right Mormon Bingo cards. I've not only played this game. I've made cards and passed them out to many many people in sacrament. I must say I have been very VERY surprised at who takes one of my bingo cards: Relief Society Presidents, Ward Clerks, Missionaries, Newlyweds, Nearly-Deads and yes, Even Bishopric Members! (That's not always notes they're scribbling on up there ;)
There are Several Bingo Cards. You can make them yourself or get them from online.

Basically it's a regular Bingo Card. Instead of numbers the kid version contains pictures of:
Praying hands
Pictures of the temple
Pictures of Jesus
and various other pictures.
The Free space usually says "AMEN" on it because everything ends with an "Amen."
They listen very carefully to the speaker and mark off the photos of whatever is mentioned. If they get bingo they get a treat in the car on the way home or extra dessert at dinner or whatever mom/dad sees as reward for being precious and reverent and winner testimony bingo.

The Adult version of this are the previously mentioned phrases. Except when an adult gets bingo... they get to leave the meeting and hang out in the foyer! Trust me on some fast and testimony Sundays that IS a winning prize!

There are many of us Mormons who don't condone this type of thing. "BLASPHEMY!" You say! Well it could be. I can see how the appearance of evil might creep into your soul and you may have to make an appointment with the Bishop and confess your bingo habit.
To you I say.... Welcome to Testimony Roulette!
Roulette is much less obvious and basically between You and the Lord as it is an "on my honor" kind of game.
Yes, you pick someone in the congregation. If they get up and bear their Testimony, you have to get up and bear yours. This game is not for everyone. For the poor sport or lazy one's they will ALWAYS choose someone who NEVER get up. I say to you... "WHY BOTHER?? Take a bingo card...if you aren't going to really Roulette."
Roulette is not for everyone, only for the real Spiritual gamblers. If you wanna play it safe and you don't have any noisy kid to remove from the meeting... then Testimony Bingo is your best bet.

It's easy to spot The Bingo players and the Rouletters in the congregation. They throw back their sacrament drink with a little extra seriousness and they have a poker face. Like a cowboy throwing back a shot of Jack or Jim.

There is another kind of Bingo I have yet to discuss.
Twice a year we have our Annual and Semi Annual General Conference. That's basically a world wide broadcast from Salt Lake City with sermons from our church leaders. That's right, Mormons have Mega Church at least twice a year. It's broad- casted from the Supernacle Conference Center on Temple Square. There are 2 two hour session on Saturday (A 3rd for the Men of the church: Priesthood session) And 2 two hour session on Sunday. This might be more like how some of the Black Mega church conferences do it. Gather in HUGE congregations of thousands and listening to some preaching and music for a couple days at a convention center.

*Supernacle)

The beauty is you don't have to get dressed and go anywhere if you don't want. You can just rollover and turn it on... or hang out in your jammies and watch it on tv. For you Technical freaks you can turn it on you computer while chatting I/M or LDS Mingles, LDSSO or LDS LINKUP. You can turn it on the radio while out weeding the garden, watering the plants or yes, sunbathing. What a perfect way to keep the sabbath day Holy... Pack the kids up in the Expedition or whatever BMW (BIG MORMON WAGON) you may have and go for a Sunday drive in the mountains while listening to Conference! Take a Picnic! This kind of Sunday is like a free spot on your bingo card of life! So is Stake Conference.
For non member friends, stake conference is more like the a "regional" conference. All the congregations in a certain area go to one bigger Chapel in the neighborhood to hear sermons from their designated regional leadership. Stake Conference Sunday is bonus because it's 2 hours instead of 3 and usually held at another building other than your regular meeting house, unless you are blessed to have your regular meetings at the Stake Center. Many Members also consider this meeting to be a free spot on your bingo card of life.
In reality there really are a unique mechanism to help your family pay attention to the speakers and to know the people in your congregation better.
I'm trying to find a way to create Mormon Poker or Black Jack.
One way to really gamble for sure is to make score cards... and at the end of each speaker, hold up their score. This is highly effective on High Councilman Sunday or the Sunday they call a new Bishopric to the Congregation. Don't ask me how I know but I BET you get called to repentance for that game! ;)

When Hell Freezes over...Go Figure Skating!

2010-05-06T18:03:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday April 29 2010 was hell. I moved into a new apt. Most of the folks who were supposed to help were unable because of a family emergencies, or "whatever" else was going on. I woke up and sat in my living room surrounded by boxes, empty book shelves, and other various items needing to be moved. The thought that ran through my mind: THIS IS HELL!

I was already miserable, achy from the cold wet weather. I needed to get to the new place, do a final walk though, pay the rent, get the keys, do move in cleaning before I could even start to move in. I was up WAY too early and already so tired. The day was already doomed from the start.
Got myself dressed and ready to go took care of the "move in preliminaries" and headed back to start moving myself in. My car can only hold 6 boxes at a time and a hamper or two in the front seat. Good thing I took 2 days off work and had the weekend to get all moved in the new place and all moved out of the old place. I would need all that time at this rate.
I gotta tell ya, I was PISSED OFF! Recalled in my mind all the times I helped others move. All of the times I received some random call to come to this event or that event to give moral or visual support to a stranger or neighbor or ward member.
I got to thinking Wow, I'm the compassionate service person and not once have I been able to round up compassionate service for myself when needed. The more I thought about it... the more upset I got.
I turned that anger to energy. I started hauling boxes to my car. Drove the 1.7 miles to the new place, and one by one unloaded boxes and walked them up the 2nd floor to my new place. After unloading the boxes into the at, I would go back to the are, drive the 1.7 miles back to the old place and load up again. It was going to be a long day.
By 11:00 am I had only done 2 trips AND it was snowing like Christmas time. There was more than an inch of snow on the ground. HELL DONE FROZE OVER FOREAL.

Each snow flake reminded me of the flakey people in my life who show up when they need something and disappear in my time of need. Each time I lifted another box and tracked it out to the car I vowed I was done helping others. Done going that extra mile. Done rushing to the aide of everyone else. I was cold. Wet, tired, sore, miserable.
for the next 2 hours I loaded my car drove to the new place, unloaded boxes and hauled them up to the new place. The harder I worked the more it snowed. Talk about insult to injury.
Finally exasperated I gritted my teeth and seethed out "can it get any worse than this!!!!!???"
I heard a voice inside me say... "absolutely it can get worse!"
I remembered something I heard a few years ago and it becomes life altering each time I recall it: At any second in time you can start your day over. It's a choice that is completely within your power. You may not be able to change the events that will happen throughout the day. But maybe you can. You may not be able to change what others may do to you throughout the day. But maybe you can.
I thought for a few moments after remembering I can start my day over at anytime.

This would be a prime opportunity to stay angry and upset ESP at those "friends" who never give and always take. It would be a prime time to light into those who disappear when there's a need and then show up afterwards claiming they "didn't know" there was a need or "just got the message" when the hard part done or "feeling better" and can drop by tomorrow.
I could make a choice to stay angry and "wo is me." I'm don't know about you but "WO IS ME" makes for a long day and some bad company.
I loaded the last box from my car and to the 2nd floor and stepped outside into the snow headed to the old place to bring over some more boxes.
I decided... Doggone it since it looks and feels like Christmas, I'ma sing me some Carols.
The DJ in my head put on "Walkin in a Winter Wonderland." I smirked at "in the meadow we can build a snowman..." I had made the decision to start my day over.
I drove the 1.7 miles to the old place, walked the 18 paces from my car to the old apt still singing my Christmas Carols. I picked up a box stepped outside and the sun was shining for the first time that day, the snow had stopped.

I looked up at the sky...
"Really, Lord?? Really?" I smiled and said,
"I guess we're rolling in sunshine now, I can work wit dat!"
The DJ in my head changed the song to:

"We'll Sing in the Sunshine! We'll Laugh in the rain...."
I kept going until I was too tired to go up or down anymore stairs. So I began to unpack the boxes in the new place and put things away until I regained the energy to start moving again.
Finally @ about 3pm, I just couldn't do it anymore. Went back to the old place and just as I layed on my bed to have a rest the phone rang. It was my sister calling to see how things were going.
This provided me with the perfect opportunity to "wo is me!"
Meh, why bother? She asked questions, I answered them honestly.
"Who ya got helping you?"
"OH 3 people showed up, Me, Myself and I!"
"Where are all those who were going to help?"
" That's a great question!" I answered again.
"Seriously? just you? Are you kidding me? Did you let Genesis know?"
"yes I did."
"what happened to so and so?"
"don't know."
"I can be there about 6. I'll bring so and so... and so and so can't make it today but can make it Saturday."
" That's cool I said. Except I wont need any help Saturday, I'll be done by tomorrow."
I looked around and had ended up accomplishing so much that I really would be done a day earlier than expected.
I told her I needed to go "do what I do" and basically took a 2 hour nap.
A much needed, well deserved 2 hour nap.

When my sister and our friend arrived about 6:30pm We loaded my car and my sister's. made 2 trips and every thing except the couch, love seat, chair, my bedroom suite and the outside storage was done.
They thought me being done the next day was "a little ambitious" until they came and saw how much I had done through out the day.
When I had energy I lugged boxes. When I was tired I unloaded boxes or did check out cleaning. It was hard and tiring but it worked. And it worked better with a better attitude.
The anger and disappointment at my flaky friends melted away with the snow. They are who they are and I know who I can count on for what. To expect anything more that what I already know and have experienced about them really was my own fault. I know that for me, I must ALWAYS give them the opportunity to come through. It's always a disappointment and disheartening when they don't but I guess part of BEING a good friend is always giving them that chance. It's frustrating. But it's the right thing to do most of the time.
Ok, back to me!
I learned another very important lesson again. I like how we are given opportunities to re-learn values if we take those opportunities.
"DON'T LET WHAT YOU CAN'T DO STOP WHAT YOU CAN DO!"

I see this in so many people I know. There are the same people who ask...
"what more could I do?"
while sitting on their butts. I'd like to shake them and say..
"of all the things in the world you can do to get steps closer to what you want to do... you can't think of ONE MORE thing?" There's always ONE MORE THING you can do. ALWAYS!
These are the same people living in their glory days of high school and talking about "when I get this" or "when I do that..." not realizing that they really cold have had it already had they worked toward it.

I'm grateful I can start my day over at any second I decide to. I'm grateful I have it in me to NOT let what I can't do stop what I can do.
When hell freezes over what do you do? Go Figure Skating!

WHO WILL COME?

2010-04-18T12:42:00.000-07:00

I often find myself doing things I don't want to do. And then after words cussing myself and regretting it. Do ya hate that? You know those times when you replay all the events of the situation in your head? And then you start to tell yourself things like:
"I shoulda told that witch to mind her own business." OR
" I should have confronted him about lying to me."
And THEN you actually go into the bathroom and practice your script in the mirror. Then you tell yourself... "one more time... this time with ATTITUDE!" Yeah, I'm gonna do it like that next time! Pat yourself on the back and you're good to go. Right? Right.

What about those times you don't want to do a thing? And you do it anyway because it's the RIGHT thing to do. How does THAT make you feel? I can honestly say I've never had one regret about doing the right and proper thing. There's really something great about doing the right thing that embeds in your heart, sometimes even when it goes unappreciated.SOMETIMES.

One of my closest friends and I had a fight and we didn't talk to each other for over a year. I'll refer to her as "Tyra." Since we have the same friendship base we saw each other often and even worked on a project together. Outside of the project, there was no communication or interaction. During this time Tyra and her husband were expecting their 3rd child. I purchased a mother's day item and the closer it got to mother's day the more I had a feeling the item I purchased was for Tyra. I ignored this prompting as it would mean I would need to contact and speak to this person and I just didn't want to. I ignored this feeling for a couple of weeks.
My sister and a couple of other friends went to a get together of sorts the Saturday afternoon before Mother's Day. Our friend "Amrie" lived about 30 minutes a way and needed a ride home after the get together so my sister and I decided we would turn it into a small road trip.
The later it became in the evening the more pressed I felt to give Tyra her mother's day gift. Just as we were heading toward the Highway to take Amrie home I found myself yelling at my sister to
"STOP! I don't know why but I have to get this gift and give it to her TONIGHT. I don't know why but I have to"
My sister, who was driving, veers off the the street right of the highway entrance and heads toward my apt. I ran into my apt and grabbed the gift and we rushed over to Tyra's house.
I knocked on the door and her daughter answered.
"where's your mom" I asked her.
"Who is it?" I heard her from the back hallway.
I stepped in and saw her almost doubled over in pain and barely able to walk.
"what's wrong?" I asked.
She couldn't get a hold of her husband at work and someone was over an hour late picking her up, and taking her to the hospital. She was in active labor and waiting for someone to pick her up. We got her in the car and rushed her off the Hospital. Her son was born shortly after. Shortly after, our friendship was repaired again.

I wanted to be stubborn. I TRIED to be stubborn. And I tried not to give a CRAP about about her and that voice in my head telling me the right thing to do. Let's be clear. I DID NOT WANT TO DO THIS. I was O.K only dealing with her on an as needed basis.

I'm not sure how we would be towards each other had I decided to be stubborn. Today her kids call me "Aunty" and my kid calls her "Aunty" and WE ARE FAMILY.

Another time a young couple I knew was moving and needed help with the move. I Didn't really like them. They didn't too much care for me either. However they needed help. I rallied a few people and we went and helped them move in. It was a good thing because they really didn't have too many people helping them at all and would have spent all of the evening and most of the night moving. We aren't really CLOSE but I do enjoy their company when end up at the same place.

There have been times when I've helped those I don't really like too much and they've reminded them WHY I don't really like them, but I helped them anyway.
How could I be so naive and stupid you may ask? 2 reasons.
This just happened recently to a friend of mine who lives in Canada:

"I ran out of gas last Friday night on the Trans-Canada hwy. My guy knew something was wrong because I ALWAYS come right home and ALWAYS call him to tell him where I am. He called the police TWICE,gave my name and for 4 hrs no police no help. I started walking the 22KM in the rain,then the coyotes started getting close so I went back to the truck.Then 5 Phillipino men picked me up and took me home.I figured it was either them or coyotes going to kill me.So I took my chances with the men."
She rec'd help. It took her 4 hours but she rec'd help.

True in this case the men were police officers who were lax on their job responsibilities. Here is another situation that didn't turn out so well.

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/100417/national/sask_stranded_death
I have been stranded before or in situations like this before where I have needed help, called friends for help and they have actually responded

"well I'm in the middle of something right now, but call me back in a little while if you can't get someone else."
Actually, I get that a lot. In most cases these are also the people who call me on a regular basis when they need, NEED someone they can count on. Someone reliable. Someone they know will come. And I do come. I'm not going to lie, it gets old. It gets frustrating. Sometimes it pisses me off to the point I'm calling them everything but a child of God under my breath. I know I will get stood up, brushed off and ignored, and waiting in distress many, many more times. I will call on friends and they will be too busy or make up excuses because it's not convenient or they just don't want help and don't have the guts to just tell me.

But that's on them.

And at the end of MY day, I don't usually regret it so I'll most likely continue to as some would say "be taken advantage of" to a point. Because maybe it's good for the community or the universe. Maybe it puts a jetted tub or a fabulous granite counter top in my mansion in heaven. Or maybe it just saves a life. Maybe if I'm dissin' someone in need I'm dissin also God.
Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” (Matt. 25:37–40.)
So if I have the power to do so... I will come. Will you?

AT ONE MENT!

2010-04-02T02:17:00.000-07:00

This is the time of year for New Beginnings. Spring time, when Natures awakes from it's dormant slumber and new life sprinkles the landscapes around us. The are becomes warmer and more sweet, the days become longer and brighter and the hope of long days in the sun arise within us. Mother natures has awakened the earth.

Is it any wonder we Celebrate the the Resurrection of Jesus Christ in the spring?
Today around the world Christians are celebrating "Good Friday." 6pm last night, Thursday, our Jewish friends would have started their Passover celebration.
The Lord commanded his people to paint the blood of a Lamb on their doors after Pharaoh ordered death of each first-born. For those who did this death was passed over and did not strike that household. Waking up alive the next morning was a GOOD FRIDAY INDEED.

For Us Christians (YES, MORMONS ARE CHRISTIANS... we've BEEN through this before)It is the anniversary of Passover and the Last Supper. Jesus with crew gathered for the passover dinner, we call it the Last Supper also know it as the First Sacrament.
IN THIS UPPER ROOM:

The tables arranged in the shape of a "U." John, the one responsible for the meal would sit on the far right of the short table. Jesus, the host, in the center, and Judas, the guest of honor to the far left.
"JUDAS? The guest of honor?" you say. That's right I said Judas was the guest of honor.
Peter, who Jesus had chosen to lead the church after himself, was seated in the lowest station. He who would betray Jesus sat in the highest position. He who was named to lead in his place, sat in the lowest position.

Confusing? NOT SO MUCH! IN that Upper Room Jesus washed the feet of his disciples. The Holiest of them all knelt down and served even the lowliest of them all. Status was erased. The washed the feet of the most elect in that room (Peter) the same as he washed the one of the lowest station (Judas.) His love did not measure out more and less according to who was before him.
Did he give up his dignity to serve? Or did he magnify is dignity by serving?

Jesus broke bread with his disciples and told it was in remembrance of his flesh and to them to partake of it. After the meal he passed a cup and they drank in Remembrance of Him and the blood he would shed.

The blood of another lamb would be shed to save those who believe. Could it be the ancient passover law was now replaced with a new one?

Jesus and his crew sang hymns and sometime in the night went to Gethsemane. He was heart broken and grieved. asked his Crew,those closest to him to keep watch while he pray. He entered the garden exhausted, we are told he fell on his face. The crew being tired kept falling asleep. Thus truly leaving Jesus Christ alone to accomplish that which he needed to do.
He prayed to his father. You know those prayers we have when we don't really want to go through with something
"Daddy if at all possible... "

(Yeah, we know those kinds of prayers. Well I know them..) We have to sometimes say it and say it again... and again, until we find that place of surrender and submission, giving in to the father's will. He prayed the same prayer 3 times. He indicated the spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. Maybe it took 3 times for the flesh to get to the point of submission. And finally he spoke those words we should all be prepared to speak:

"Thy will be done..."
ON THIS GOOD FRIDAY Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior prayed more earnestly in his Agony. ON this Good Friday is when Jesus became our Savior by suffering the sins of the world:
Every person who lived before him, every person who lived with him, every person who would life after him. Every sorry, every heartache, every depression. Every betrayal, every stroke of the massa's whip, every beheading at the kings command, every poke, prod, scar, scrape. Every disappointment, embarrassment abuse, addiction, disease and discomfort known to mankind.

He felt it all and he took it on willingly. So much so that the "unwilling" flesh opened up and released his blood for OUR sake. We have been paid for. More than once we have been paid for. Thousands of years before we set foot on the earth, We have been paid for.
So when you sing songs like "OH HAPPY DAY... When Jesus Washed my sins away..." You recognized that he watered the garden of Gethsemane with his blood so that we may grow closer to him. It is called the ATONEMENT. He atoned for our sins. This is what makes us His and Him ours. This is the AT-ONE-MENT. This is the purpose for our weekly Sacrament.

As if Suffering the sins of the world were not enough, the mobs came and Jesus was Kissed and then taken by the mobs.
He was taken to Pilate who found no fault with him, And then Herod who send him back to Pilate. The people would rather have a known criminal amongst them than to allow Jesus to walk away free.
With a body all ready exhausted and having bled those great drops of blood in our behalf, they scourged him, tearing his flesh and beating him brutally and placing a crown of thorns on his head. Jesus,carrying his cross, was paraded down the road to Golgotha, physically, spiritually, emotionally spent. When he could walk no further, Simon a cyrenian was seized and commissioned by soldiers to carry the cross for him.
It was soon after that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ was nailed to the boards and hung to die.

I believe Jesus continued to live as long as he felt the presence of the Lord with him. And when the Lord withdrew from him, he stayed as long as he needed to fulfilled the journey and when it was done... "IT IS DONE..." He willingly gave up the ghost.

The earth and the elements responded in anger and sadness. The sun hid it's face in horror, grief and sorrow. The earth mourned in darkness.

On that glorious Sunday morning the tomb was empty. The Savior of all Mankind, so brutally humiliated, broken and abused had overcome all there would be to overcome.
The Sun then showed its face upon "THE SON." Is it any wonder that the Earth renews itself? Perhaps as a symbol of the ultimate rebirth?
Many Churches have the Cross as a symbol of the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Our Churches do not. It is not because we don't believe in Good Friday or the Crucifixion. We believe it. We honor it and Our Savior Jesus Christ who so willingly died for us. Our hope is in that of the Resurrection.The Good News that he is Risen

As a collective group we Mormons don't have Good Friday Services or traditions but believe we do Honor Good Friday, individually and in our own way. He had to die in order to rise.

This Easter with your bunnies and eggs, chocolates and peeps, Ham and Potatoes, brunch, hot crossed buns and whatever else you do to celebrate the anniversary of our greatest gift ,Spend sometime recognizing and really pondering the supper held in THIS ROOM
and the magnitude of love The Lord our God and his Son Jesus Christ have for you and yours. And know that is is never failing and ever strong.
"NAILS DIDN'T KEEP JESUS ON THE CROSS. LOVE KEPT JESUS ON THE CROSS!"

Leave Some Evidence!!!

2010-03-20T21:03:00.000-07:00

Growing up my father would sometimes walk into the living room where my siblings and I would be watching TV or playing a game or whatever and proceed to tell us what we had for lunch.
"How did you know?" we would ask.
"You left behind evidence and that's how criminals get caught" This was his subtle way of letting us know we didn't properly clean up behind ourselves. It was a great teaching tool. I'm not saying it worked with us all the time. I'm not even saying it worked with us MOST of the time. But I have put that theory to use in many other applications outside the home. That and never returning to the scene has made me the master prankster I am today :)

I wonder if my father's phrase "you left behind evidence and that's how criminals get caught" is what gives me my investigative mind. My first line of thinking is outside of the box. I have to be brought INTO the box normally to be on the same age as everyone else. It's kind of strange. When most people are changing the Paradigm, I'm already groovin to that "para-digum." Ya dig what I'm saying I think.

I got to thinking today that leaving evidence is not all bad. I have a friend who was an evidence professor at BYU Law school. The only one of my friends who I wouldn't mess with cuz she really does know how to hide the bodies and leave no evidence. I may be a little crazy myself but I know what friends to pick. She also happens to be the Relief Society President for the LDS Genesis Group. You want to keep people with that kind of Heavenly AND Earthly clout around and happy.
(No,that's NOT why I treated her and my sister to breakfast this morning either.)

I posted a question to the masses earlier today:
"At some point we will have have to stand before the Lord and take accountability for our lives: The Good, Bad and the Ugly. How do you want stand before him?"

I fully expect the typical Mormon Textbook answers: Thankful, Humble, intimidated, full of love,repentant... blah.. blah... blah! Don't get me wrong, those are all great "stay inside the box" answers and we all need to be having some of that when do come before the Lord.
I guess I'm a little bit different as I envision myself in front of the Lord.
I picture myself as a child having come in from playing:

Hair in a messed up pony tail with leaves or pieces of grass in it, overalls ripped at the knee and probably a skinned knee as well.
(yes this is really me last spring...)
Muddy Pioneer feet from running out in the rain w/o shoes because someone called for help, smudges on my face and t-shirt, hands calloused and rough. Looking as if I've had a hard day of chasing butterflies and making mud pies and helping my best friend put the chain on their bike.
I think of the different places I've been and the things I've done there:

Pinegar Apartments in Provo UT: when my daughter was 5 she was experimenting and decided to save her water melon seeds and plant them. It worked. A couple months later the whole apartment complex was enjoying water melon. It was such a great thing that the managers of the apartments ripped out the bushes in front and now each year plants Zucchini for the tenants to enjoy. These apartments were filled with single parents and newly weds and older couples with struggling incomes who now have 1 more source of having a few more meals they don't need to worry about.

Herriman, UT: My sister, daughter and I ran across 2 lonely grave sites with concrete slabs that simply read: "Indian woman" and "Afro-American Woman." 2 lone souls buried side by side, no name, no birth date, no family recognition. We decided to adopt them, decorate their sites. We gave them names and birth dates. So they no longer are two lonely graves next to each other.

Preston Idaho:

I have a friend buried in the Preston Idaho cemetery. HE WAS AN AMAZING MAN. Once a year we try to go up, light a candle, make sure his resting place is in order and just hang out and remember how much fun we had with him.

Ensenada Mexico:

Went on a cruise with some folks a 3 day Baja Mexico Cruise and we stopped in Ensenada. They have the typical souvenir that people are selling off the streets. There was a young woman painting gorgeous little scenery on small silver plated platters for about $5. She did it all by hand and it took her all of about 5 minutes. You giver her the name of a person and she personalized it.
"To_________ with love from Ensenada Mexico." I decided to purchase one. I watched her work speedily to create the scene and she turned to me and in broken English asked "who name you would like?" I told her to put her own name. She looked at me confused... " who would you like this to be for, whose name to give to?"
I said to her " I'm buying this for me. And since you are the artist, and you created it, I want YOUR name on it so I can remember who you are."
The look of shock on her face was priceless. "really?" she said. "I have never put my name on it, Oh I am so happy." And she began to have tears stream down her cheek as she autographed her beautiful artwork. She gave me my platter, wiped her eyes and then gave me a hug and said "Thank you,I really thank you!" and turned and went back to the line waiting for her.

Kailua, Hawaii where one of my best friends live. She's been raving to her family for years about my homemade macaroni and cheese. She flew me out to Hawaii for her wedding, and asked me to give a short story on how I introduced her to the man who is now her husband. For Sunday dinner Her mom (who made sure I had a cheese omelet and a flower for my hair everyday I was there)asked me to show her how to make this southern recipe she's been hearing about for 15 years. I made it for her so she could see how it was done and that's what we had for family dinner my last night in Hawaii. Her family was so touched by our friendship over the last 15 years. I left my heart In Kailua, Hawaii

Morristown, New Jersey: I went out east for a while. I remember the first time I went to church there and introduced myself. A Handsome young man stopped me as soon as he heard my name, came up to me and gave me a BIG HUG. I didn't complain but was very curious as to who he was and why his arms were around me and what the name of that cologne was he was wearing. (Polo...late 80's you know. ;) He told me he hand heard all about how much fun my family was and how we fed the missionaries every Thursday night and how I had the best Lasagna is best friend had ever had. His best friend was one of those missionaries we fed every Thursday night and being in that area on his best friends mission was the favorite time of that young man's mission.

Battle Creek, MI: I played softball in high school and loved it. One of the people I liked to hang out with the most was a white girl whose father didn't like black people. That didn't stop us from rolling. She and I were both on the softball team together. Often after the games he would tell me I played a great game and say how his daughter and I made a great team. He was always kind and very complimentary to me. One day my friend told me.. "you know, my dad doesn't like black people, but he loves you!" I never knew he didn't like black folks until she told me.

I guess I bring up these certain instances because when I leave this world, I want their to be evidence that I was here! I want to leave my footprints and finger prints and heart prints ALL OVER THE PLACE! I want to leave a trail of love and kindness and beauty behind.
I want there to be evidence that I was here and that I did some good:
I want the Lord to be able to look at South Carolina and say
"yeah, Karyn was here...I can tell by the way Susan is cooking up that Creamy Chicken Wild Rice Soup that she's been talking to Karyn."

I want him to look at Long Beach California and say: "WOW, She impacted Julie in that youth fireside, she's picked up her scriptures for the first time in a year..."

I want him to see where I hiked the Grand Wash and Camped at Bryce Canyon in southern Utah
and swam in Bear Lake in Garden City. I want him to know I ran through his canyons and played capture the flag and Jumped off the dock and into Payson lakes and Canoed down the Battle Creek River.

I also want him to know I stood in awe watching gorgeous Sunsets in Park City Utah and wrote my name in the sand on the North Shore in Hawaii and marveled at the beauty and power of the ocean.

I want him to know I built bonfires and sang camp songs at Camp Kitanniwa. And put on crazy hats while walking the isle at the store and made people (including myself) Laugh and smile.

I plan on leaving as much evidence as I can that I was here and I enjoyed the gifts and talents the Lord blessed me with and also enjoyed this beautiful earth he created for us. Sorry Daddy, but I fully intend on leaving behind all kinds of evidence.

There's a quote on this blog by Sister Marjory Pay Hinckley that summarized beautifully how I would like to be presented to the Lord:

“I don’t want to drive up to the pearly gates in a shiny sports car, wearing beautifully tailored clothes, my hair expertly coiffed, and with long, perfectly manicured fingernails. I want to drive up in a station wagon that has mud on the wheels from taking kids to scout camp. I want to be there with grass stains on my shoes from mowing Sister Schenk’s lawn. I want to be there with a smudge of peanut butter on my shirt from making sandwiches for a sick neighbor’s children. I want to be there with a little dirt under my fingernails from helping to weed someone’s garden. I want to be there with children’s sticky kisses on my cheeks and the tears of a friend on my shoulder. I want the Lord to know I was really here and that I really lived"

When I get to the other side, I'm going to be holding out my thumb hitch hiking, hoping that Sister Marjorie Picks me up on her way in so we can roll in together.

*LEAVE SOME EVIDENCE*

Don't Deserve To Pray? WHAAAAT????

2010-03-10T20:05:00.000-08:00

I was talking with my sista the other day.... Sista Beehive from the Sista's in Zion blog. And we got to talking about talking to God.
I have often heard from my friends who are down and out, depressed, off the straight and narrow, or whatever other undeserving feelings they might be dealing with day
"I can't pray, I don't deserve to pray!" It floors me that they think that way. I can't decide if it's pride talking or stupidity: "I dont deserve to pray.". I've been searching all my scriptures for that phrase that says... "I am the Lord your God! When you are in the deepest darkest places... DO NOT speak to me, you don't deserve it." I haven't found it yet. We ALWAYS have the right to pray. We have an obligation as his children to check in. Not just at meal time, on Sundays or times of trouble either. We are Heaven's Children so it stands to reason we need Heaven's help.
So why is it that when we are in the depths of dispair and need the Lord the most we turn our backs on him and try to dig ourselves out? If we could dig ourselves out would we be SO FAR in in the first place? There is no standard of worthiness to Speak to the Lord or pray. He does reserve the right to bless us and adminster to him as he sees fit. Maybe that's the key? Rejection. If we pray and dont' get what we want we tend to make excuses: The heavens are closed. He doesn't answer prayers. There is no God. I can't even fathem thinking the last one.
We often misunderstand that just because we call ourselves Christian that we should automatically receive the desires of our heart. We also misinterpret this to mean that the Lords is going to give us what we want, when we want it and on our terms. Do you know anyone like that? They often are waiting for jobs, houses, relationships to "fall in their lap" Just how THEY WANT and when it doesn't happen say... It's not of God. I can remember that kind of thinking about 20 years ago. Until I realized the REAL meaning of Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord and he will grant you the desires of your heart."
I had to come to grips with reality. In order for me to be delighted in the Lord I had to trust in him and his plan and fuse my will with his. I had to have on of them "come to Jesus" meetings with myself. You know the kind where you figure out that you need to leave your will behind and jump on board with his will.

Think of it like a Sail boat: You're on vacation on your sail boat is in the middle of the ocean or lake going slow or going nowhere.

The Lord just sailed on by at a steady speed.

You call out to him... "Hey Lord, how's it going?"
"Absolutely wonderful Child, how's it going with you?"
"well, not so great, Lord."
"No? Well why not?"
"Well, Lord, I want my boat to sail as awesomely as yours and it's just going very slowly and sometimes not at all."
"Is that right child?"
"Yeah, so.. well... Lord, I was wondering... Can you make my boat sail like yours."

"Hhmmm! I have a better Idea, why don't you jump on my boat and sail with me! I have plenty of room and we're having are really great time!"

"Well, Lord, I kinda of want THIS boat to sail. See I just put in a lot of money, time and effort in it so I can get it to sail..."

"I see. Well, are you sure you don't want to hop onboard? I have an awesome Chef down stairs cookin up some shrimp and chicken.You can have your own state room. And we're having this amazing triple layer peppermint torte cake for dessert. We'd love to have you on board, you can stay with me as long as you want!"

"Well, Lord. That does sound great. But I still wanna stay with my boat. I just need a little wind to make it sail.."

"you're sure then?" Says the Lord.

"yeah, I just think I'll be happier this way" We say.
"Well, ok... child. here's a little wind to get you started on your way."
"Thank you Lord, I appreciate it."

And off you go oblivious to the fact that your sail started to tear a week ago, there's a slow leak under the seat getting worse that you don't even know about AND your rudder is about to fall apart from internal water damage because you never sealed the outter cracks from when you grounded it 2 summers ago. Continueing on your course is giving you complete joy and satisfaction now and temporarily. You've extended your sailing trip another 2 weeks!
He gave you what you wanted and how you wanted it even though before hand he offered to you what you NEEDED. What you ULTIMATELY would have been happier with.
Delighting in in the Lord, it's not just praising him and going to Sunday services and sharing/preaching the word. We have a desire gain enough faith to match our will with his and in doing so our desires become righteous and grantable.
Most times we're trying to get the Lord to change HIS will to ours. So busy wanting to be "The Boss."

Back on the subject of feeling too unworthy to pray, it is Lucifer who teaches us these kinds of things. "you are too messed up to pray, he won't listen to you." "too far gone." "you have no right to speak to him after all you've done."
Well guess what? The Devil is a Liar. If Lucifer has the bold audacity to speak with him, what makes you think you cant?

Seriously, even the Devil spoke to God AND Jesus Christ AND he believes in them both. And if the Devil can approach them and talk to them then I know I can FO SHO speak with them.
So the next time, for whatever reason, you feel too unworthy, lost, tired, afraid and ashamed to pray, remember it is just not so. This is one time you can say... If the devil can do it, SO CAN I!

I Confess: I'm A Drag Queen....!

2010-03-04T18:30:00.000-08:00

"I've talked and given many talks to young adults and their parents about the different in kids today and how it relates to when I was a kid.
Each generation claims it's one style of parenting and discipline. While my grandparents ways have become outdated and old fashioned and
parents today have come somewhat new aged and liberal. Is it fair to say one style of parenting and disciplining as a whole is better than another style?
One might look at the word back in the day, and then look at it today wonder. Realistically subjects of all generations line the walls or prison. There are perpetrators in our schools, work places and churches of all ages. Children brought up in the same home with the same parents flourish AND fail. Even the most perfect of parents has lost children to the world. And some of those lost worldly children have found themselves. Some never will. Some were never lost.
I would be one of those who become lost from time to time. Sometimes I still have lost moments. What helps me is being a drag queen.
That's right I said " I AM A DRAG QUEEN. No offense to those who choose this as a profession or way of life, props to ya!
I was a different sort of a Drag Queen.
I was dragged to church on Sundays and during the week for various other activities. I was dragged to family gatherings even if there was family feuding and kissing Aunts and stuck up cousins.
I was dragged by the ear when back talking or being disrespectful to my elders. I was dragged to the "woodshed" when I told lies, got bad grades, disobeyed, shoplifted and disrupted class, then dragged back to the store, or to the teacher to apologize for such behavior.

I was dragged to the bathroom to suck on a bar of soap when profanity slipped out. I was dragged outside to "police" the yard by pulling weeds, picking up trash, cutting the grass and raking leaves, then dragged to various other places in the neighborhood or community to help the old, sick, poor, lonely and other who could benefit from my free time and good will. Had I taken money for this service I would have been dragged back to the "woodshed."
As children we rarely appreciate our parents efforts in trying to prepare us for the world. And teenagers we Definitely don't appreciate it and as a community we ignore the underlying problems of those who aren't fortunate to have parents who aren't able to or don't prepare them for whatever reason.
There was no guarantee that me, being a drag queen, was goin to solidify my place as a golden law abiding citizen in my community. At some point, knowing and recognizing right from wrong became an adult decision I had to make. Being a drag queen definetley helped. There were times when the queen layed dormant within me and other times when "The Queen" came out like a stark raving lunatic. I'm grateful for those experiences provided by my parents to give me the option of having the battles between my mind and "The Queen" to decide what kind of citizen I will be."

Lookin For Love In All The Wrong Places..? I Have

2010-02-26T17:41:00.001-08:00

When my daughter was about five years old I fell into a depression. I don't recall ever having a history of it. I know that sometimes we all have depressed moments or periods of time when we feel under a dark cloud. However this was so much more than that. I suffered bouts of darkness and sadness. Nothing usually horrible happened.

Times weren't any worse than that typical, but something within me caused a numbness. I would wake up in the morning and send my daughter off to HeadStart and spend the time she was gone crying. When I heard the bus pull up to drop her off I would turn off the water works and be business as usual. She'd be out side playing and I would be in the house with tears streaming down my face, frustrated with myself for not knowing what the hell was wrong. The phone would ring or someone would come visit and I would turn it off like a light switch.

I lost the desire to get on my knees each day and pray or to go to Sunday services. I lost the desire to go out and socialize. If it weren't for my sister that year there would have been no Christmas tree or decorations in the house at all. I didn't know what came over me and I couldn't shake it.

I remember waking up one Sunday thinking how tired I was. My thoughts urged me to get dressed and go to church.

"Naw, I don't feel like it," I told myself. "I just don't want to be bothered"
I began to do some housework, it had been days since I had vacuumed or mopped or did laundry. I began to catch up on house cleaning.

About an hour had passed and the stronger urge to get dressed and go to church came upon me. Again I shook it off and continued doing some other tasks that could certainly have waited for another time.
About 45 minutes after that as I was running dishwater I heard a voice in my house say "GO TO CHURCH, NOW!" It was so strong and so clear that I turned to see who was talking to me. I could not see the person speaking to me but the prompting was so clear and strong that I dropped what I was doing, Got dressed and walked over to the church. I would be getting there just in time for thenlast hour which was Relief Society.
I walked into the building in my "leave me the hell alone." armor When I got into the Relief Society room I sat in the 2nd to last row away from everyone sending a clear message that I DID NOT WANT TO BE BOTHERED. I crossed my legs, folded my arms and avoided eye contact with everyone. Even my choice of clothing reflected the fact that I didn't want to be there: University of Michigan Sweatshirt, Jean skirt, pair of Rebooks, hair pulled back in a ponytail. The Relief Society Sisters got the message loud and clear. Many thoughts raced in my mind: "Why am I here?" "What's the point?" I could be home doing dishes or laundry.

The sisters settled into their seats and the typical announcements were made.
The pianist began to play the opening song. I sat quietly and listened to the sisters around me sing:

"Our Savior’s love
Shines like the sun with perfect light,
As from above
It breaks thru clouds of strife.
Lighting our way,
It leads us back into his sight,
Where we may stay
To share eternal life...."

By the end of the first verse I felt tears rolling down my cheek.

The song continued:

"The Spirit, voice
Of goodness, whispers to our hearts
A better choice
Than evil’s anguished cries.
Loud may the sound
Of hope ring till all doubt departs,
And we are bound
To him by loving ties."

By the end of the second verse:

I was quietly sobbing and 2 sisters had moved to either side of me and a third sister behind me had draped their arms around me, literally holding me together(so I wouldn't fall apart) and without knowing what I was going through, they cried with me.

I had heard that hymn, sang the words so many times. Never before had the word penetrated so deeply into my soul then they did that day.

I knew my Heavenly Father loved me. I had heard it so many times and I believed it. I still believe it. My head knew it. In my heart I knew it too. On this day at that moment in time I felt it. I Felt it in my soul and the moment I did my heart overflowed with so much emotion I could not physically contain it. My body trembled as my Relief Society sisters held me together and sobbed with me.

Although my Heavenly Father could not physically wrapped his arms around me during that dark and depressing time he sent me to his house where
"Hope rang till all doubt departed."
And where I could feel that bond with him through the loving "ties" I have with the sisters in the congregation.

This was about 15 years ago and each time I recall the experience it feels as if it were just yesterday. I Still can't get through that song without choking up and blinking back tears.
It reminds of how important it is to be in places where the Lord can reach us. It is true that The Lord can and will reach us where we are. He has the ability to do that.
We have to remember to seek him. And even more importantly WHERE are we seeking him?

I had a friend once tell me she doesn't believe the Lord answers prayers. She prayed real hard one day about a problem she was having and then headed to the bar. Woke up the next day with a hangover and very ticked off that she didn't get an answer to her prayer. I suggested to her that sometimes where you look for answers has much to do with how you get them.
She angrily replied
"God has the ability to answer me no matter where I am and what I'm doing."

She's right. God DOES have the ability to answer us no matter where we are and what we're doing.
He also has the ability to stop world hunger, wars, tummy aches and poverty. If we were rescued by our carelessness and lack of desire to take responsibility we would never learn to be accountable for our choices.
We are encouraged to :"Stand Ye In Holy Places" And to humble ourselves, overcome the hardness of our hearts and our pride, and seek his help.

I'm willing to be wrong, but I would bet my tithing that very few prayers are answered down at "Cheers" over a brewski.

I'm not judging you. Say your prayers and have your beer. God speaks to us all in different ways. He just might show up, he DOES know how and where to find you. But do we know how and where to find HIM?

1 Kings 19:11-12
11 And he said, Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake:
12 And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice.
I'm so blessed that "still small voice" knows how to reach me and I'm not so tuned out that I can't hear it.

It makes since to me for the Lord to speak to us when we're still, tired, broken down, exhausted, depressed... and have had enough and can't take it. I think it is in this state that we are less defensive, more ready to listen to it instead of battling it. We can hear better in this state. It's sad that we have to be down and out,tired, the end of our rope and broken to finally pay attention to it.

God is not going to shout above the Big Screen TV at Mo's to get our attention. When asking him questions the polite thing to do would be to listen. We give each other this courtesy but not our Father in Heaven.
This is NOT a hard concept, you do it on a daily basis with people. But I guarantee you most people will mistake NO answer for the answer they don't want to hear.

I'm grateful that at a time when I needed to feel that loving bond with my Father in Heaven I was lead to the place where it could and did happen.
My Grandma said to me once
"the only hands God has are ours."
He does use or tries to use us all to bless each other. To be blessed by the hands of God it would make sense to hang out where his people would likely be.And that's not JUST in a church building.
I don't always go to the right places and hang with the right people when I need to feel our Saviors Love. But it's never really failed me when I have.
And it's always in the back of my mind when I go lookin for love in all the wrong places.

""Our feet cracked open and bled..."

2010-02-08T22:57:00.000-08:00

"Our feet cracked open and bled until you could see the whole prints of our feet with blood on the ground."
Jane Elizabeth Manning James bore this testimony as part of her life story.
IF there is one defining moment I have as a Black LDS woman it would be the moment I found out there were Black LDS Pioneers. For years growing up on Pioneer Day or the Sundays where Pioneer day was talked about I would listen to the stories of the great great grand children of those who had relatives who lost their lives or, suffered great hardships walking across the plains to "Zion." I would sit and listen to the stories of how great great Grandpa Hezekiyah or Dear Aunt Levondia Young lost a toe or commanded their half dead ox to "RISE AND BE WHOLE" so it would continue the journey from Nauvoo to SLC. In the back of my mind was that little voice of one of my great-great ancestors saying
"man, what I sho wouldn't give to be free to walk off this plantation and walk across the plains with some pioneers."
The way I saw it, Hell, at least they were free to walk. They were free to stop walking, turn around and walk someplace else too. No matter how hard the trials, they were free.
So Imagine my surprise when I learned there was black LDS pioneers who came across the plains! Black pioneers became almost an obsession with me: Who were they, where did they come from, did they remain faithful, and WHY is this not shared knowledge in the history of the church? I WAS HOPPING MAD when I found out too. Do you know what kind of example and strength this could have been to me while growing up? Well I was gonna make sure I told the story of these pioneers any chance I could.
The first one I ever learned about was a Free Black Woman Named Jane Manning. She joined the church about the age of 19 and shortly after she and her family ( brothers, sister and mama) Set out the join the LDS Saints in Nauvoo, IL. She and her family walked over 800 miles to get there. That's right I Said 800 miles on foot.

"We walked until our shoes were worn out, and our feet became sore and cracked open and bled until you could see the whole print of our feet with blood on the ground. We stopped and united in prayer to the Lord; we asked God the Eternal Father to heal our feet. Our prayers were answered and our feet were healed forthwith."

She arrived in Nauvoo with her family and after all in her family found homes and employment of their own, she stayed in the home of the Prophet Joseph Smith. They employed her and gave her a home later asking her if she wanted to be adopted/sealed to them as one of their children, part of their family, to which she declined.

Through out her years she met and married Issac James and then later traveled from Nauvoo to Salt lake city with her husband and 2 sons in a Pioneer company. Although the journey was long and hard she remained strong and steadfast. Sharing all she could along the way.

Excerpts from the journal of a fellow pioneer woman express the Christlike example Jane was to so many.

From the journal of Eliza Partridge Lyman:

"April 13: Brother Lyman [Eliza’s husband] started on a mission to California with O. P Rockwell and others. May the Lord bless and prosper them and return them in safety. He left us . . . without anything to make bread, it not being in his power to get any.
April 25: Jane James, a colored woman, let me have two pounds of flour, it being about half she had."

To understand the depth of such giving, There were pioneer companies who at some point had to ration meals to four ounces of flour a day.
And there was no "BIGGIE SIZING" it. So to receive 2 lbs of flour was a GREAT sacrifice and blessing. 2 lbs of flour probably saved the life of that family.

Jane Manning James was the first free black woman to live in the Utah Territory. Her daughter Mary Ann was the first black child born in Utah.

I stand amazed at the power and faith she had in knowing she would be blessed and taken care of through all of her trials. To suffer the trials of being a black woman during those times as well as the trial of being a Mormon during those times was a two fold double punch in the gut. However in part of her life story she states:
“Oh how I suffered of cold and hunger,and the keenest of all was to hear my little ones crying for bread, and I had none to give them; but in all, the Lord was with us and gave us grace and faith to stand at all.”
Each time she shared her life story, the trials and tribulations, she never EVER forgot to give props and thanks to the man upstairs for her many blessings.
Her husband left her and her children for 20 years and then returned to her not wanting to die alone. She welcomed him back and took care of him until he passed aways.
Later in life she was interviewed about her life and she shared these words:
“I have seen my husband and all my children but two (of eight) laid away in the silent tomb but the Lord protects me and takes good care of me in my helpless condition.”

The life story of Jane's courage, strength, endurance, and faith is an example to all who read about her.
She ends her life story with the following testimony:
"[My) faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ of Latter‑day Saints is as strong today–nay it is, if possible, stronger–than it was the day I was first baptized. I pay my tithes and offerings, keep the Word of Wisdom. I go to bed early and arise early. I try in my feeble way to set a good example to all."
May we all be so "feeble."

A Monument of Jane Elizabeth Manning James was dedicated on June 5, 1999 in the Salt lake cemetery. This work was commissioned by the LDS Genesis Branch. Not only was I front and center at this dedication, Imagine my amazement when I was honored to be the voice of Jane and asked to read her biography at the dedication. What a humble honor I will always hold dear to my heart.

I am nothing like the strength and dedication that Jane Elizabeth Manning James was. I've buckled under less circumstances.
I remember the first time I told my mama about the black Mormon pioneers and how much I hated pioneer day and the story of the pioneers. She let me in on a little secret informing me that I, too was a pioneer. Having been a black LDS member since She and my father were baptized in 1973. 5 1/2 years before my father would be blessed with the Priesthood. There are many who will always turn their back away from the church because of previously practiced traditions and beliefs. The time will come when those will come to me and my siblings and look for those examples of strength and testimony that I look to Jane and many others for. I, too am a pioneer and never new it until the moment my mother informed me of it.
It is important to remember that at some point our whole country was in turmoil over racial prejudices. And those leading the government, churches and many other areas of leadership were products of time and circumstances. The Lord will only allow men to get so far in their own planning before he puts his ultimate plan in place. Being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is proof positive to me that The Lord Has a plan and he is working it. He knows when the timing is right and he knows when the children of the Earth are ready for it. We must accept progress and move it forward. We must know where we are going BECAUSE we know where we've been. I feel for anyone still holding grudges to those passed mistakes that the Lord has stepped in and correct for I am CERTAIN he is telling us.
"I have righted your wrongs, don't let passed injustices stop your progression. Move forward and make it better for those who walk behind you"

Thank you, Jane, I hope someday you'll look at me and say... "that's my sista, keep on keepin on!"

Please Don't Stop The Music....!

2010-02-02T05:54:00.000-08:00

This post is mostly in Response to the recent comment left by one of my adoring fans ;)!
DezaRay States:
"I'm lost you say your LDS yet almost all the music in your player is from NONE LDS artists. They are Christian artist that will sing and believe in the trinity, sing about the cross and other things that the LDS faith does not. If you are so proud of your LDS faith why don't you have more LDS music on there? None of the music you have on your player would ever be played or sang in a LDS church."

Thanks for pointing out the music on my player. I'm not sure how many LDS church meetings or firesides (prayer meetings) you've been to but I, and many others have actually Sang some of those songs in or at LDS church meetings,programs, talent shows, funerals, etc.. It may not be what you might normally hear in a typical LDS Sunday Meeting however it's been done. I've personal done it. And because my singing is so bad I've had the pleasure of being with several other LDS Members who have done it with me. For me to try it solo would surely be a sin!

That being said, I don't have MOST of the spiritual music I enjoy on here. I'm very proud of the Grammy Award Winning Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the Grammy Award Winning Saints Unified Voices... The Mormon "Gospel" Choir so to speak. I get to hear them ALL THE TIME! :) And They've both covered different arrangements of some of the songs in the playlist.
But I love your comment,because it's 1 example how people think Mormons are.
Because I'm LDS so I should only listen to LDS music, right?
And we can only sing Songs featured in our LDS Hymn books, right?

WRONG! That's just as wrong as thinking If I'm so proud to be black I should only listen to black music because no other kind of music would ever be played or sang at a black Family reunion, right? Meh, not so much. (Remind of to tell ya bout the time we busted out with Billy Idol's Mony Mony about 20 years ago. That was awesome!)

I like music of all kinds. And I pointedly didn't put much of what you might call Typical LDS arrangements of music on here in my first shift of songs because I do hear it all the time and because I put on what I'm in the mood for at the time. Also because just all one type of music doesn't reflect MY personality and this is MY blog. So it's all about me and MY point of view. :)

In the meantime my playlist will eventually be full. I've got 1/4th of the music on it that I like. I have 150 more songs to go. Trust that there will be Mo'tab and SUV, Divine Heritage, Alex Boye, Jericho Road, Janice and Stephen Capp Perry music on it when it's complete. But there will also be some Winans, Al Green, Statler Brothers, and probably some Amy Grant, Point of Light, Anointed, Mary Mary and many others ss well. When I'm moved to add them to the playlist, I will add them.

PS... in our 13th Article of Faith, The Last sentence states: "if there is ANYTHING Virtuous, lovely, or of good report or PRAISEWORTHY, we seek after these things."

Thanks, DezaRay, for taking an interest in my music selection!

The Miracle that is MY daughter

2010-01-26T19:04:00.000-08:00

I originally wrote this blog 3 years ago for my Daughter's 17th Birthday. She will be 20 years old tomorrow, January 27th. This is a story worth telling again. ENJOY!

This is Alieshia Nikkole.

And this story is about how I became her mom 17 years ago.

Keep in mind, most of these events happened in the space of 7 days.

Well I won’t go through the good details of getting pregnant, as my story will be LONG and drawn out enough.

As sort of an Epilogue I’ll just mention: I had made a Dr's appointment to get an abortion. But received a telegram and a phone call from a friend in London England just as I was headed for the door to the appointment. The Telegram had been sent 3 days before. How it, and the phone call arrived at just the right moment, reminds me that I was NEVER in control of the events that would be taking place over the course of the next few months. By the time I remembered the appointment some 4 hours later, I also realized that 2 lives were saved.

I’ll start this way:

From the time I went into the bishop’s office and told him my situation, I decided keeping the child I was carrying was not an option. The church strongly suggests unwed mothers to give the gift of a 2 parent stable household and that’s what I was going to do, no questions asked. I think as part of the repentance process I disassociated my self with the child. Never felt it was mine, I always said "I’m carrying someone else’s child." I Didn’t want it, and was happy to be rid of this baby who was over taking my body. I worked with LDS social services about my options and choices. They never pushed me one way or another and emphasized the choice was mine to make. I had chosen adoption and had the adoptive family all picked out and waiting.

I was obviously in with the wrong crowd and doing things I shouldn't have been doing. I was introduced into the drug life and the thug life. Although I never touched the drugs or the guns and the other things that came along with that kind of lifestyle, I was trusted with some of the "in" type things that only a "homie" would be privy too.

By the time I decided I really didn't want to be apart of that lifestyle, it was almost too late. These people had labeled me as "one of their own" and were not inclined to let me just fade into the sunset. If they didn't see or hear from me 2 days in a row, they would come to my house... sometimes at 2 or 3:00 AM to make sure Me and their little cousin I was carrying was doing alright. We called that "good lookin' out." These day they call it "having your back."

Things got to a point where I realized I was in a little too deep with "the homies and was sort of stuck in a hole. My mother in her wisdom called my brother and sister-in-law in California and informed them of the situation. She got off the phone a couple hours later and announced there was a plane ticket in my name to San Diego, California. When my brother heard of the people I had been hanging with... which happened to be the ONLY people he wouldn't hang with in high school (and he hung with some pretty shady people back in the day) he insisted I needed to get out. So were sneaking me out of town so I could get my life back on track. I couldn't tell anyone I was leaving or the "homie posse and crew" would have retaliated.

I played them like a violin. Kept up the regular pretenses: "oh you know I'll be at the club this weekend and the after party!"
" No, I won't get into another fight...but if she shows up and starts some mess I won't hesitate to jump her again..." and so on.

Less than 1 week later, I hopped on a plane and was going to live in Oceanside, California.

In California I could spend the time I needed to make the important decisions that would soon change the course of my life and the life of this baby. My due date which was Jan 18th came and went. I was STILL preggo, would this child ever come? I had weekly appointments with LDS social services to make sure I was emotionally OK with my decisions. Boy was I ever. The decision I made 9 months ago had never changed.

Jan 22nd, a Monday, another Dr’s appointment.

Dr said we were :WAY off on the due date" I was no where near ready to deliver."

Tuesday Jan 23^th my LDS Social worker called and said she’d been called out of town for the weekend to a conference in Salt Lake City. Part of her job was to be at the hospital at the time of the birth as the baby would be discharged and placed with her to a foster care home until all the paper work for the adoption was finalized. Since I was no where near ready to have this baby, as the Dr informed me it would be another week or 2 before I was going to deliver. We couldn't see any immediate worry for her to go to the conference the upcoming weekend. She gave me the name & phone number of the colleague who should be called if I had the baby while she was gone.

The morning of Jan 27^th. It was a Saturday. I was getting ready to go watch my brother's marine battalion's all day long baseball tournament. I had become very good friends with a woman in my brother's office. Maureen Vipperman. We called her "Mo' or "Vipp." Vipp wasn't able to have any children of her own. So I had asked her weeks before if she would do the honors of being my labor coach and being with me at the time of the delivery. Something told me I wouldn’t make it game. As a matter of fact "Vipp" was the one picking me up for the game... (by way of the mall of course!)

I was having some annoying cramping that wouldn't go away. I didn't think anything of it because I has been having those types of cramps for almost a month. Suddenly about 10:45 am I got this power cramp that stopped me in my tracks! It's amazing how we can remember the exact moment of some things.
We called the Dr got his answering service, they said they’d call him and then call me right back. An hour later… we hadn’t heard back from him. So we called them again. They said to come on in because it sounded like it was time.

BOY WAS IT TIME. We got to the hospital and when the Dr, who had been on hole 6 of his 18 hole golf excursion said

“IT’S YOU???? Wow I wasn’t expecting it to be you, you were no where near ready when I saw you Monday!!!”

"well I wasn't expecting to be here either. It appears you'd make a better weather man because your forecast was totally off..."

My Dr was a nut case. I appreciated his humor and sensitivity during the prior weeks. It was like chatting with and old friend and He and the Nurses were aware this child was going to be adopted. They had instructions to take the baby from the room after birth. I didn’t want to see it or hold it or anything. I just wanted it out and gone.

People tell me I’m lucky I was only in labor for 3 ½ hours. Luck was not what I was experiencing I assure you.

It’s a blurry situation … the pain... ice chips... oxygen masks... breathing. OH, THE BREATHING THING! Lamaze? What is UP with that? When those pains hit your gonna get a breath the best way you can…. Lamaze goes out the window!

Finally... time to push. Push Number one: Everyone was was screaming in delight... the delivery room erupts with excitement!
“Look at all that curly dark hair!...”

Push two: I heard a couple of nurses gasping:

"Doctor!" one of them said in a panic.

Then they got serious on me... “Karyn, don’t push, be very still!”

Not what you wanna hear in while in pain. I told them I had to push... it hurt not to push.

My labor coach, "Vipp" doing her job, trying to calm me down, she came around bent down and got in my face and said...

“GIRL, don’t push, just breath!!!” She started breathing with me. That scared me but it had the required effect. I thought these people were CRAZY, but I stopped.

I felt this sharp PAIN, and wanted to scream:
“WHAT THE HELL ARE Y'ALL DOIN DOWN THERE???”

A few seconds later... (It felt like minutes, they later told me it was about 20 seconds) I was able to push again. Success!

IT WAS A GIRL!

I was tired and crying. She was crying. Everyone was saying how beautiful she was.

My crazy Dr said
“I'm not supposed to do this, but do you want to see her?”

I said
“no, no thank you”

He insisted I MUST

I said no.

He placed the crying baby on my tummy… the baby cried once… said “MAMA!” and quickly fell asleep.

The delivery room fell silent.

I hear it. The Dr, Nurses, and Vipp all heard it. They all burst out crying. It didn’t faze me one bit. So I pretty much ignored it. They took the baby away after that.

When I left for the hospital, my brother was instructed to call the LDS Social Service Offices before he left for his tournament to let them know so the social worker could meet us up there. My brother actually beat me and Vipp to the hospital and said he couldn’t get a hold of the social worker but would continue to try. He had called them all day and no one answered. Then next day was Sunday and the office would be closed. I was too tired to panic. I slept most of the day... I was frighteningly anemic yet they came and took my blood about every hours. Freaking vampires!

Sunday Jan 28th! Super Bowl Sunday! Discharge day. My Dr said if I was voting for the right football team I could go home today! He was serious too. If I chose the wrong team, I'd be staying. Back in the 90's was there anyone BUT Joe Montana and the 49ers?

We still couldn’t find the social worker. The hospital informed me that I had to take this baby home with me since there was no Social Service Representative to take the child. I was horrified. I had NOTHING, no diapers, no clothes, no food. Why would I since I didn’t expect to keep the child. I hadn't gone through the process of even thinking about names and I had paperwork, birth certificates and other records to sign. After I spent another hour trying to figure out a name and other options, I left the hospital... with a child and instructions to return in 2 or 3 days for babies check up. Luckily Social Services would opened the next day...... No, actually... they wouldn't.... for some strange reason... they were closed on Monday. *sigh* I did NOT like how this was working out.

Thank goodness my niece was only 10 months old so there were plenty of diapers and things like that at the house. Vipp picked me up and brought me home. I left her to handle the baby. I walked in the house and announced to my brother... "your niece is in the car" he jumped up and headed to the car and went to bed. I was still exhausted. (It was super bowl Sunday and the house was filled with my brother’s marine buddies in the midst of the bowl party).

I bolted out of bed about 4 hours later. I remember sitting straight up out of my sleep and saying... "There's a baby in the house.... and I'm supposed to be taking care of it!"

My sister in law pretty much took over the care of the baby and that was OK with me, I wanted nothing to do with her. We had noticed that when she breathed... she squeaked or gasped...like a little mouse trying to catch it's breath or something. It sounded like she was having trouble breathing and when she cried it got worse.

Tuesday Jan 30th. I took baby into her first check up. I informed her Doctor about her breaking and I'm sure he cold already hear. He felt her throat, said she was swollen around the larynx. Her weight had also come down a little she had lost some ounces. That meant she wasn’t eating right. He jumped right on the phone and called a specialist. The specialist was across town and said he wanted to see her right away. The office was closing in 10 minutes but they would keep it open until I got there. I was kind of scared for this child, what was wrong with her???

It took me 25 min to get to the other side of town. The baby was in the back seat crying the whole way.

When we got to the Dr’s office I needed to fill out more paper work. They kept asking me if I was the mother I kept saying she was being put up for adoption, the social workers were unavailable so I was forced to sign the waivers and all the other paper work. I didn’t want to sign any papers as being in charge of her care. I had to sign or they wouldn’t treat her. I did what was needed to get her taken care of.

They took us back into a room and explained they needed to feed a thin microscopic tube with a camera down her throat to look around. I needed to hold her in my lap while they did this. They assured me the baby would be OK but would actually be gagging and choking as they fed the tube down her throat. It was horrible! The baby was crying, I was crying, I was a mess. Afterwards, the Dr said it was really swollen and he couldn’t see much, but he wanted to schedule her for a Barium swallow and chest x-rays to make sure nothing more serious was going on. He set the appointment up for 3 days later, the next Friday.

Mean time. I still can't get through to the Social workers. And I was still pretty much ignoring the baby. I wanted “that child” away from me.

The next couple of days had come and gone and it was the night before I was to take baby to get x-rays. The instructions were the baby could not have any food or drink at least 12 hours before X ray time. I had decided since she couldn't eat, I wouldn't eat either. She had to be hungry enough to drink the Barium. New borns are fed every 2-4 hours, right? The x-ray was scheduled for 11 am the next morning. That night was the longest night of my life. I walked the floor all night sobbing. Trying to comfort a child who was crying from hunger and then would only stop when exhaustion over took the hunger…and would wake up crying again when hunger over took the exhaustion. I realized that I would never understand how people could be so cruel as to allow human suffering to prosper. It is hell to witness.

Next day February 2nd frazzled and worn I got baby to the Dr's Office. She was crying still and each inhale and exhale she took was like a gasp for air. I felt as if she had been put through the cruelest of things this last week I know she was as exhausted and confused as I was. They fed her the barium and took the x-ray. When they were finished, I pulled out a bottle and fed her. That was only the 2nd time I had personally fed her. I took baby home. We both slept most of the day and weekend.

Monday Jan 5th, Dr’s office called. They said the x-rays were clear but they wanted to put her under an anesthetic and do exploratory surgery and open up her chest to make sure. When I heard this a JOLT ran through me. * I had enough of this crap*

I declined, saying
“this child is not even 2 weeks old. I’m not doing this to her anymore”
and hung up.

I was peaked and felt as if I have been stripped raw mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. What the hell was going on with my world???

I called my mama. I don’t know about anyone else, but when I’m in turmoil…some thing about hearing mama’s voice breaks me down completely.

She answered the phone and all it took was hearing her voice say "hello..." and I lost it.

I became the baby girl who was hungry and tired and frustrated, confused and scared. Uncontrollably mess for about 5 minutes. No words, just tears and crying and fighting to breath.

Finally mama said... “Karyn take some deep breaths and hear me.”

I took some breaths and calmed down. She said...

“ In all of your counseling and doing what you've been instructed to do with your Bishop and case workers, when you asked heavenly father what to do with this child, did he confirm your decision?”

I said, “Huh??” What was she talking about? I could barley comprehend.

She repeated the question.
I told her

“well, the church says unwed mothers should consider giving their child up for adoption so that’s what I planned to do.”

She asked “so you prayed about that and if felt right?”

I responded “ummm.. No. I didn’t pray or fast or debate myself about it. I just decided that's what should be done so that's what I'm doing”

Mom said: “ you mean to tell me you made a decision this important that involves human lives and you never prayed about it.. At all in 9 months???” (Sounded stupid since she put it that way)

“um, Yeah I guess that's what I'm saying.” Why was she picking on me at a time like this?

All she said was... “When we are given instructions from our prophets and church leaders, there’s a reason we are taught to get a personal conformation and seek for personal revelation. There's a reason for everything your going through. You have some work to do regarding the life of this child and your own.”

I guess so, huh?

A couple of hours after hanging up with mom LDS Social Services called. As it turns out… they don’t know what happened to their phones Absolutely clueless there was even a problem until the last Friday. Their incoming lines had been out of Service for almost a week They were able to call within their own offices but outside called didn't come through. They're usually closed Mondays but now they were getting all of the message from the prior week and decided to open the office and play catch up. They were just getting all the messages left them. She asked how it was and how I was handling the baby. I told her not very well at all . We set up an appointment to meet in 2 days (Wednesday) to get things back on track.

I called the family and asked them to fast with me the next 24 hours. The thought of doing this as all was almost more than I could take. As I fasted I played out the last nine months and ESPECIALLY the events of the last week in my mind... cord around baby’s neck... Baby crying until laid on my tummy, then calling out "mama" before falling asleep... no social workers to take her home… all these freaky Doctor appointments forcing me to sign my name to her paper work as guardian/parent. Watching her suffer, crying, crying, and crying... why is it that what was planned perfectly to a “T” for 9 months was suddenly chaos, hell, and confusion. I was only 22 years old. No job. Living with my brother his wife and my niece. Why hadn’t I prayed about what to do? It was obvious I was in no condition to take on the welfare of another person. I had to find a way to take care of myself. It was obvious what to do wasn't it?

OR was it?

That night I got on my knees and wrestled with the angels. I cried first. All I could say was squelch out ‘father help me” and cry. I fell sleep on my knees. I dreamed of a little girl in a pink dress with a little afro puff pony tail walking alone and crying because she didn't know where to go. And her Savior Jesus Christ came to her side and comforted her letting her know all would be well. I Woke up 2 hours later, cried some more... and just listened and tried to feel... something in the stillness and quiet beside the ache I had in my side and knees from being on them. A total of 5 hours later. About 4:00 AM totally exhausted I jumped into bed. And slept. Still no decision as to what to do. I was silent and quiet most of the next day. Numb I guess. I had about 24 hours to figure this out. This was the longest week of my life. Different members of my family called during the day to check up. I got on my knees again that night. I figured I didn’t have much more to add to what I’d said already so I just basically asked heavenly father what is was he wanted me to know about this child and how would he have me decide how she could best serve him in this world. Then I got up and lay in bed, wide awake and listened. What I heard was so clear I had to look about the room to see who was actually speaking to me. Words of a blessing I'd recieved when I was 18 cam to mind. (My bishop had reminded me early in my pregnancy that the blessing was valid but totally up to me to keep it valid).

There was a reason the phones didn’t work at LDS Social Services for 5 days. Just as there was a reason I got a telegram from my best friend, a missionary in London, out of the blue, that made me miss a Dr. Appointment to have a possible abortion when I was 7 weeks pregnantnt. How come all this medical stuff was forcing me to try and bond with this child? Didn't they have things these days to detect when the cord was wrapped around babies in a dangersous way. Why hadn't they seen it? The only thing that WAS successful at was not bonding with this child and that suddenly became very spooky to me.

I found out later my brother had missed his baseball tournaments the day baby was born. He spent 3 hours looking at her in the window. She looked so much like his 10 month old daughter, all he could say was.”2 peas in a pod”. He had been inactive in church for years, now I recalled day my baby was born mentioned to me if I thought it was too late for him to have his daughter blessed at 10 months old. 2 days after my baby was born my brother also mentioned he wanted to go to church with me the next time I went.
Several Phrases of my blessing came to mind... but the main was... something to the effect that my missionary work would be gathering the family generations and be done through my children. It was already happening.

Things were becoming clear. OBVIOUSLY clear. Then next day I went to my meeting to Social Services and my social worker. She asked me what was going on. I gave her the details of the previous week. She asked me as she had so many times…if I was still firm in my decision to place for adoption. I told her for the first time in 9 months that I was not sure. It was weird… she gave almost a sigh of relief. I looked at her curiously. She asked me what my decisions were. I started to cry. She started to cry. I told her I never thought I would say this but I think I am going to be a mommy. She said she had strongly felt it should be this way but had to always support her client in whatever decision they were making, as did my family I found out a few days after.

2 hours later. I walked out of LDS Social Services with my daughter Alieshia Nikkole. I had never called her by a name, until that moment she was always "baby" or “the baby.” For the first time ever… I held her to my chest and closed my eyes taking it all in. What kind of mess was I getting us both into? I just held her. I looked at her, really looked at her for the first time. I kissed her, Her forehead, her tiny hands and fingers, her cheeks, her eyes. I smelled her hair and felt her little heart beat next to my own. I listened closely to her breath that little squeak she had. All it turned out to be was swollen larynx due to the cord being wrapped around her neck and it was gone within a couple of months. I carefully placed my daughter into her car seat and buckled her in carefully like some precious cargo Heaven had asked me to guard with my life. Little did I know she was just that... precious cargo. I jumped in the car and turned on the radio. My favorite song happened to be on… “Every little step I take... you will be there…” By Bobby Brown. I smiled at the song and wiped away a tear that escaped my lashes.
Ha, that song! Another coincidence in many that had happened that week? NOPE, NOT EVEN. Heavenly Father was giving me the thumbs up. I heard a voice that whispered... “You will have all the support you need.” And I always have.

(Sometimes people, laugh, scoff at me and roll their eye's when I tell them I can audibly hear a voice when I receive answers in situations such as these. Laugh all you want. The voice has not failed me yet.)

NOW....

It's 17 years later. Today at 1:50 pm Alieshia Nikkole will be 17. It's been the greatest experience of my life being her mother. It wasn't always easy. It wasn't always laugh and giggles as most of you see us. But every minute of it has been worth it and I can't imagine my life without her.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL, I LOVE YOU!

You Can't Hang Up On Jesus...But He'll HOLD For You

2010-01-17T06:00:00.000-08:00

This morning I'm waking up and hoping yesterday was just a bad dream. Guess what? Yesterday was real,no bad dream. It has been the best week. And the worse week. No one has died or gotten physically hurt or anything like that. Just a couple of little devastations. You get enough of the little one's hitting you all at once and it wears down a soul, know what I mean.

How we react to the devastations or upsets that invade our lives is really important.
I think the following reactions we should get passes on:
Silence.
I don't see anything wrong with shutting down for a few minutes, I'd rather shut down in silence, then lash out and say or do something I'll regret later.

Asking Questions.
If someone imposes some kind of pain or hurt or betrayal on you YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK QUESTIONS to help your healing being.

Cryings.
The other day my cousin posted some that said "Crying is just liquid prayers." I have to give my AMEN to that.

There comes a time (several times) in our lives where we have the opportunity to show ourselves who we really and truly are. Those moments also define who we may become and if we will further grow as a Child of God. When those choices come do we get frightened and revert back to the comfort of who we are, or do we take that step of faith toward the greater version of us. I dare say we typically revert back to the comfort.

When those choices come, sometimes the choice is automatic. Sometimes there is soul searchings. Often times you just aren't ready. It feels too soon, too hard, too whatever. Knowing yourself is knowing what governs those decisions, it could very well be too soon, too hard, too whatever. Knowing that is a good thing.

So Yesterday, January 16th was from hell. *cha-ching* (That was a quarter going into my cuss jar. Typically "hell" is the word I give myself a pass on, depending on how I use it. But to be fair I wanted y'all to know I'm not trying to justify it).I haven't had a day like that since I was in the shadows of my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder summer of 2008. So, Yes I had bit of a ptsd relapse yesterday. Noticed the symptoms, recognized the trigger, left the situation. Drove around for an hour before I Could remember what I wanted to do after I left the situation, then came home and crashed.
Bodies react differently to emotional/mental trauma. In my heightened state of over alertness and anxiety, my body requires sleep. anywhere from 2-12 hours. What happens in between is kind of like a dream. I remember parts and bits of it but am not sure if it's real.
So in my state of sleep I was having a text conversation with someone and got some devastating news. I guess in my state of mind I figured this is a dream so I don't have to worry too much about it now. (has anyone ever done that? recognize you're in a dream and just brush things off because it's not real anyway? You totally can control some things in your dreams, it's really cool when it happens).
I slept for HOURS I tell you!
Woke up about 5 this morning feeling drained.
Thinking yesterday was just a bad dream. Im laying quietly in bed and my cell phone alert goes off. I have a text! I pick up the phone... I have a lot of Texts. I turned in pretty early yesterday so thats not surprising. As Im rolling through them I have at least 100 TEXTS easily read and Unread. From about 1:30 Yesterday afternoon til about about 6 this morning with a break between 11:30pm and 4:30am. Don't you people ever sleep? HAHA~
Since texting is for entertainment purposes and quick communications for important conversations I will call or meet with someone face to face.
I guess in my state of mind yesterday I didn't clue into reality. I have the very long and very important 3 hour long conversation via text. So that bad dream I was hoping yesterday was...is indeed reality.

I'm needing to recover from one situation *ptsd* before starting to recover from the other situation. The other situation will take some soul searching. Some of that deep down in the basement, through the cobwebs in the dark corner soul searching.
In the meantime. What have we always been taught to do?
Now if you're hearing the theme song in my head right now... it sounds like
"When Dove's Cry" by Prince.
In reality it's "PRAY" by MC-Hammer: We got to pray just to make it today" Right?
I think for a few minutes.
Then I picked up the Prayer phone in my mind.
The operator answered... "Jesus on the main line...TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT!"

I lost my voice. Didn't know what to pray for. Mind went blank, heart went numb. What do I do... WHAT DO I DO????
Augh!
"well you can't hang up on Jesus!" I said to myself.

"Ummm... JESUS? Can I put you on hold until my head is clear...?"
I found myself saying.
"I am in SUCH trouble now!"
I said to myself.
To my surprise the answer was
"I'll be here waiting when you are ready, in the meantime I'll send down some of my crew to watch over you."
"uh..ok, thanks." And I hung up.

DID I JUST PUT JESUS ON HOLD???

I think I have Jesus on hold.
I have A LOT of nerve. But what a blessing to know that when I am ready, when I am clear, when I can come to him in better condition, I can pick that main line back up and talk to the Father. And he will listen. And although he may not give me what I want. He will give me what I need and that is the better blessing. What more can I ask for?
I better let y'all go. I'm headed to the cellar of my soul to do some searching. HEY? Is that YOUR main line ringing? Be blessed!

Deseret Books SHOULD sell CUSS JARS!

2010-01-12T05:58:00.000-08:00

"Flippin Fetchers!" "Fetchin Flippers?" "Kiss my bumm!" "BFE" "WTH?"
What the HELL?
Welcome to Mormon Cuss words folks. We've all said them. In our heads, out loud, under our breath. Some of us less shameful folks don't even bother with the Mormon words.
SHAMEFUL. I know I'm shamed but OMG, you have no idea how much better I am. That's
"Oh My Goodness" in my mind folks.
No matter how badly my profane tongue has gotten it will not and has not Exodus 20:7. LOOK IT UP!
Im sad to say I once went a whole year without cussing. OH, I'm sad because I can only remember 1 year in my adult life where I can remember not cussing. It was hard work. I had decided not to cuss for 365 days. It was an interesting year because I began to analyze under what circumstances one would choose profanity. The one thing I come to realize? Profanity is used in ALL Circumstances. But the saddest realization was when it came so Automatic that folks didn't realize it was part of their everyday language. When a sentence or paragraph couldn't be spoken w/o cussing.

We use profanity in place of nouns, verbs, adverbs, adjectives,interjections...even terms of endearment! Movies use it for dramatic effect. Music uses it for status. Comedians use it for a laugh. Our cars advertise it on bumper stickers: "it Happens" Profanity for whatever reason sells. It's a money maker.
Over the last couple years my language has gotten pretty weak. I could sit here and blame it on circumstances, situations and the world around me. Truth be told I just cared too little what words my mouth would speak in those moments of choice, I chose incorrectly.

20 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter I had a mouth on me. One day my brother, who was a U.S Marine at the time, came home and told me " My staff sergeant said you have a mouth on you worse than any Marine he's been around."
My first thought was "who the bleep* is she and why should I care what he thinks I'm not a marine so I don't give a "bleep" what your Staff sergeant thinks."

As I said that I caught my reflection in the mirror. What I saw.. wasn't pretty. My reflection held a true moment of reflection. I had a serious problem with cussing. You know when you put a $50 bill in the cuss jar on pay day for a Cuss Credit... you got problems

About a week later, I installed a cuss jar in the house. "A BUCK A CUSS!" I imposed this upon the whole household. Choice and Accountability folks...aka Paying for your sins. If you chose to cuss, it would cost you a dollar. You know what, it worked! Throughout the years it has worked every time I've installed it. I think my proudest moment was when my brother and sister in law held a gathering a couple months later and one of the marines cussed. Without a 2nd thought another marine stepped up and said
"PAY UP man! You can't be cussin in here!"
Then walked over to the jar, picked it up, and squared off with Pvt Foul mouth who promptly paid up and apologized. BOOYAH!

The cussing jar worked for months. And after about 2-3 month we racked up some cash!
I'll tell you what we did with it later.*

Through out the years I've installed and reinstalled the cuss jars. Some times the price is a buck. Sometimes it 5 bucks. Sometimes it's a quarter. What I've done various things with the money made paying for my sins.

Well folks Im ashamed to say... It's time for me to reinstall the cuss jar. Yes, I know, it's like verbal smoking without the Nicotine... I keep quitting. Just like everything else, trying to overcome is a process. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. I'm sure one of these days I'll get over it. But that will never happen if I just say forget it, I'm done trying.

I'll be looking for jars this week. Most any jar will do. My last jar is now a planter. (kinda funny, i threw a leaf in with some water and it sprouted roots and started growing other leaves. I wonder if the residue from verbal fertilizer helped?

I figure I can't be the ONLY Mormon out there needing a cuss jar. This is exactly why Deseret Books should sell them. Im sure it would be much like getting caught at the store on Sunday by your bishop:
"Opps... well see Bishop... our Ass was in the Mire and.. .well... we forgot dessert... and... you just can't have Apple pie without Ice Cream" You're so busy fessing up you don't realize he's at the store too, buying Jello!

I only say that to bring up the point. We are Latter Day Saints. We are Christians. AND WE ARE HUMAN! We are going to backslide... in ALL Areas. The important thing is that we don't get S.O.S: "Stuck On Stupid!" Believe me I have been S.O.S before but I'm learning to vacation there less and less.

So back to what happens with the $$ in the cuss jar. That first year, we used it as vacation money for a trip to Vegas! Did I pick up gambling in the mean time? *That's a WHOLE NOTHER BLOG*

Through the years I would use it for laundry money, or it would be my daughters spending cash (you would think she would do things to make me cuss more, but after a while she didn't even want spending money that came from profanity!)

I decided in the future paying for my sins would go to the church. Not under tythes but under "offerings"

I think the one thing that I manage to remember when trying to kick this habit is the following:
The mouth in which I choose to speak profanity, guile and malice with is also the same mouth I have the nerve to ask Father in Heaven for blessing and favors with. And some days I have A LOT OF NERVES!
Do you??
Check out One of my Favorite Conference talks By Jeffery R. Holland: "Speaking with the Tongue Of Angels" And then go get YOUR cuss jar:

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=662fb5658af22110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

Sometimes We Need to be Dropped On Our Butts!

2010-01-08T07:49:00.000-08:00

For 2010 we're keepin it REAL, Just like the Lord sometimes has to get real with us, we need to get real with ourselves:

We've all know about "Footprints" in the sand. Let's talk about those times we need to be dropped on our booties for a reality check!

Buttprints in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some strange prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?"
Those prints are large and round and neat,
"But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the san

Well I did it! I Facebooked my Blog!

2010-01-07T22:25:00.000-08:00

It was really bound to happen with so many friends and family on Facebook it would just be a matter of time before I needed to combine the two. So if you are on facebook and would like to keep up with me there I would love to have you become a fan of the page! I'll still be here blogging, unless someone can figure out a way for the blog and facebook page to become one or stream into each other. Im not THAT Computer Savvy, I know JUST ENOUGH to get into some trouble ;)

I think this will be an awesome thing for greater discussion and more detailed comments. I hope you'll join me on "THE FACE!" ;)

A Year With NO Regrets!

2010-01-01T21:50:00.000-08:00

A Year With No Regrets!
Years ago I started to create themes to live by instead of resolutions. The theme Theory has done me well. I find a theme that seems timely and work it. I create smaller goals to help me live by that theme so that at the end of the year I can stand in the mirror on New Year's Eve head held high and pronounce that I have lived it to the best of my ability.
In the year 2000 my theme was "NO REGRETS!" It turned out to be an Amazing year. I have decided to reinstate my "NO REGRETS" theme this year! On New Years Eve 2010 I will look at my self in the mirror and say " I did everything I should have and lived how I was supposed to, therefore I have NO Regrets"

My goals for a y ear of No Regrets:

I will become a personalize friend again.
I will pick up the phone and call so there is a warm voice to my communications. So others will "hear" the concern, love, anger, peace and friendship in my voice and not have to speculate how I feel. I will not leave anything open to misunderstanding. IT's happened too many times via Text, email, I/M etc.

I will find ME again.
I feel as if I were robbed 2008/2009. My memory is shot. My anxiety is still very heightened. And I've lost interest in most people and things. My home has become my hideout with a secret knock and all for me to open the door. Those who really know me, know who I used to be before June 2008 happened. That person may be gone forever, but I'm going to find some of her again, I MISS HER. And I miss me!

I will start to be social again. I'm only dealing with certain people for certain reasons. There people are my crutch, my safety net, and my comfort zone. It's been 18 months sense the crap hit the fan and it's time to reintroduce myself to the world and trust humans again.

I will create Pleasant memories and situations
. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder robs a person of alot of things. You don't really ever get over it, you learn to live better with it. I'm still learning to live better with it. I know I need to back track to some places I don't want to go and RECREATE pleasant memories to overpower the one's that keep me away from certain places and people. I am already and will create those joyful, happy memories to replace the one's that haunt me.

I will not hold any grudges or dwell on negative concerns. If i have a problem with someone or something I will give myself 2 weeks to confront the situation and resolve it or I will leave it alone, not dwell on it and bury it for good.

I will be a healthier person.
Becoming more active ESPECIALLY in the beautiful state of Utah. So much to explore and see here.
I will join a sport team. I will sit and watch tv less and get up and move more. I will cut down carbonated drinks. I will incorporate more Protein, fiber, fruits and vegetables and cut down on starch, carbs and refined sugars.

I will become more mentally healthy by reading more. I will read at least an hour of something each day before turning on a TV or computer screen for entertainment.

I will become more spiritually Healthy by Listening For Heavenly Father's Answers as much as asking to Heavenly Father for help. I will read and study words on a regular basis, speak more kindness to his children, and serve him and my community better.

I will take 1 day each month for myself: Road trip. Movie. Pedicure. Spa. Hike. Theater. Whatever I need to do to rejuvenate and enjoy who I am becoming.

I will stay in contact with as much family as I can. Aside from my Parents, Siblings and Daughter, I don't know my family as well as I should, nor do I keep up with them as I'd like. Today, it begins.. reconnecting with the family that is on Earth with me or who have passed and are still watching over me.

I will become better Educated. I might go back to school. But I will become more educated about Finances, Politics, Health, Environment, Social Situations. IM going to become familiar with my neighbors and community and be an active force in making where I am a better place to be.

R.A.K I'm reinstating doing Random Acts Of Kindness again. And no there's not a list you can be on. So don't be calling me each month asking if I've done my Random act of Kindness for the month and asking me to come clean your house if I haven't!

I'm going to learn how to say "NO!" No more letting the drama of others invade my space. PTSD has taught me how to stop the stress in the lives of others from invading my life. I NEED to continue to do this.

I will cultivate the relationships I want to enjoy more and not those that are pushed and pawned upon me.

I"m going to laugh more at myself. I have to. I forget so much and have done some really kooky things. It used to upset me, now I just shrug and say "oh well, that's the person I happen to be right now."

I will make YOU smile more! Haven't figured a goal for this one yet, but I'll make it up as we go along!

I'm going to Love and accept people AS/IS.
When I recognize who you really are, I will either accept it and keep you around or accept it and keep you at a distance. I WILL NOT try and change you, or point out your faults and mistakes because I know I am flawed. You have the right to be exactly who you are and want to be. I have the right to either keep you close in my life or at a distance. I only request the same respect from you. DEAL?

*when someone shows you who they truly are... BELIEVE THEM*

If I sway from my goals I will speedily get back on track and not just say "OH WELL, I BLEW IT" cuz that's a lazy cowards way out. To say "I messed up" and not get back on track is not who I want to be.

I Will Live 2010 with NO regrets. I invite you to do the same!

BRING ON THE HOLIDAY SEASON!!

2009-11-27T09:39:00.000-08:00

Well folks! The cloud called PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) that has been shadowing my mind over the last year and a half it started to part somewhat. I'm having streams of sunshine through the clouds begin to shine more and more lately. This is a good thing, I love when I have my "A-HA" Moments.

I've been robbed of 2 summers (this summer I had swine flu/pneumonia as I've addressed before)and what I remember of last summer are the pictures others have taken of me as well as bits and pieces of here and there.

My short term memory is kind of jacked up still. If I'm stressed or upset or even really busy...you can for get it. I appreciate my family and friends being patient with me asking things over and over and over. They've really been good sports about me and my issues. IT's kind of funny, finding Ice cream in the dish washer and my keys in the toothbrush holder. I still have no idea where the majority of my winter clothes and boots are. It'll be fun trying locate those things. Life is interesting with me lately. I like being a huge mystery!

I Am ready for this holiday season, are you? I don't mean the presents or gift wrapping or the cards. But I'm on a mission this year to create some AWESOME Memories this holiday season... I'M TIRED OF NOT REMEMBERING STUFF!
I declare Today, November 27th 2009 - January 1 2010: FUN AND FABULOUS HOLIDAY SEASON! I've got my digital camera ready with extra batteries. Got my snow boots! Still gotta find that winter coat.. haha! But I'm ready to go out this Holiday Season and have a good time. Im not soo sure what all the entails yet, I have a few things I want to check out around town that sound really cool. But for the most part, I'm just going to randomly head out and whatever happens is what it will be!
I like the idea of not getting so wrapped up in the commercialism and just bringing simple kindness, smiles and memories to people. I want to gage "just how much" it takes to bring a smile to someone's face or a laugh to their voice.

I'm ready to build snow people and snow forts and go tubing and sledding and watch hockey games and go caroling and collect for the food banks and drop off homemade candies, breads and cookies to the neighbors anonymously and steal kisses under strategically places mistletoe all with the sounds of the season as my soundtrack and the weather as my back drop.

I'm ready for this holiday season. I don't want to miss 1 thing about it. Not even the crazy weather. Im forcing myself out of the house and into the Holiday Season.

If you, too, are out to create some awesome memories, take your camera! And be sure to come back here and share some of them :)

Because I Have Been Given Much I, Too, Must Give!

2009-09-20T09:53:00.000-07:00

About 8:45 last night I decided I wanted to get a new "feelz good" movie to watch this evening. And you know, Saturday is that special day, its the day we get ready for SUNDAY! Deseret Books is about 1/2 mile where I now reside. Typically I would walk since it's so close but it was about to close do I drove. I parked the car and instead of grabbing my purse I just grabbed my bank card and headed for the store.

I rush into the place and I'm looking at the different movies... they some I already have, some I'll never touch, some that are stale and cheesy but make for good teaching moments, Biographies of the prophets and apostles and such. Anyway after browsing around for 15 minutes the voice over head on the speaker announced "DESERET BOOKS IS NOW CLOSED, PLEASE TAKE YOUR PURCHASES TO THE FRONT!"
I grabbed my DVD's and headed toward the cashier. There was a couple in front of me who needed this changed on their account and wanted to pay 1/2 with this payment and 1/2 with another payment, then they wanted to add their bonus reward points, and please bubble wrap this item so it doesn't break and OH she had to run back and get this thing she forgot and I'm sure you get the point.
(This is also one of those establishments where if you purchase so much you also stack that many points and 1 point is equal to the 1$ so if you purchase a 10$ item you get $10 in credit points to spend like cash. THey give double points sometimes and bonus points and so on.)
Being a professional Customer Service Agent, I stood patiently and kind of chuckled inside. I think my profession has made me more tolerant and patient than the average person about these things. I work with this kind of person ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Good thing because when it was my turn at the cash register, I had to go through some of the same things.
My Purchase came to about 44$ She asked if I were in the "rewards program" I told her I was. I gave her my ph# and she couldn't find me in the system. I gave her a new my cell # and it wasnt on that either. I gave her and old # and it was there. I asked her if she could change the ph# to my cell phone because I had requested it be connected with the cell # on a previous visit. She mentioned it takes a couple weeks for the change. I mentioned the change was requested over a year ago. She took down the info.
"Would you like to use your reward points?" She asked.
"How many do I have?" I asked.
"You have $41 in reward points. You can use them on this purchase or continue to build them up."
Since Im in a situation where I need to be saving $$ these next few months I told her I would like to use them. She recalculated my order and
"your purchase comes to $3.99"
"wow you all are breaking me!"
I smiled and reached in my pocket for my bank card.

I pulled it out and went to swipe it, only to recognize it was my aaa insurance card.
"AUGH! I am SO sorry, I'll need to run out to the parking lot and get my other card."

The guy waiting behind me said, "or you can just let me go first and use my rewards points toward your purchase."
I thanked him and allowed him to go first while I ran out to my car to get my bank card. When I returned they were still ringing up the Gentleman's purchase. He and his friends were in SLC visiting from the UK. As they rang up his purchase He and his friend began talking about what a wonderful time they had in SLC.
The Cashier gave the gentleman his total, and after paying for it, he said... "I'd like to give her (pointing to me) the balance of my reward points!" I smiled and thanked him. The guy behind me said... "now do you all know each other or did you just meet?"
I looked at him and said... "oh we've known each other for YEARS!" The gentleman
who gifted me the points winked at the guy behind us and said.. "But don't tell my wife!" and his friend commented "what happens in SLC stays in Salt Lake City." The 3 of us laughed and the guy behind us looked confused which made us laugh even more. I then explained to the guy behind us... " He's my brother. We're ALL brothers and sisters right?" He smiled nervously... but I think he was beginning to catch on.
I thanked the other Gentleman again as he and his friend walked out of the store and turned my attention back to the Cashier.

The cashier looks at me and said....
" Ok so you now have $59 in reward points and that means you own nothing. So here's your receipt and have a good night!" I looked at her a little shocked. Not only was my purchase "free" because I had been saving my credit, I had accumulated an extra $14 for my next purchase or to save until I wanted to spend them.
"AWESOME!"
I picked up my purchase, Smiled at the man behind me,looked back at the cashier and said... " I'd like to give the balance of my credit points... to my brother right here!" Patted the shoulder of the guy behind me, winked, and headed out of the store.
I turned around looked and the guy behind me who now had a look of confusion on his face yelled 'Have a great night!" and headed home.

I'm not sure about your all, but for whatever reason, I am gifted many things. I'm very blessed. Things like this happen to me on a regular basis. When I mean regular it's almost as if I expect the blessings. What I love MOST about receiving a blessing, is the look on the faces of those I am fortunate enough to pass blessings to. That show 20 minute exchange in the Store made my whole day. And it was already a great day anyway.
I love these examples of how simple acts of kindness and enrich the lives of others. This testifies to me that where much is given, much is required, and to share blessings with others brings more to yourself.
I believe the Lord continues to give to those who will share and give to others.

Think about that next time you are blessed. I must confess when the movie "Pay It Forward" came out and people were raving about it, I was one who was saying... "whats the big deal, my family does that kind of thing on a regular basis." Then it occurred to me that the majority of that the world doesn't think or act that way.
Love is Reciprocal. Love between ourselves and God, Love between ourselves and a family & friends, love of all mankind.
It's that love of all mankind we forget about. And if we look at what mankind has evolved to, we see the lack of love for one another.

What would you have done in my situation last night? Would you have kept the reward for yourself or shared it?

After all, we're ALL brothers and sisters, right?

MY THOUGHTS ON KANYE WEST...!

2009-09-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

***get the picture???***
(NOW! I've worthwhile things to think about)

An FYI To My Typical Mormon Brothers & Sisters:

2009-08-16T20:58:00.000-07:00

Now that I have your attention, let me just share a few things with you that you may not understand.
Black folks talk to God. Oh I know we all do, I believe, for the most part, we all call it prayer. We talk to him through prayer.

BUT... we also talk to him out loud. We have conversations with him. We express feelings to him. We please with him. And yes, sometimes we even debate with him. It's not weird to us to speak his name out loud and communicate with him as if he is right next to us. We do it while shopping, exercising, crying, laughing, doing laundry, cooking... you name it... we talk to him whenever we feel the need. Maybe it's a cultural thing?
Our mama's do it. Our Grandmama's and Great-grandmama's did it. They did it in the Cotton and tobacco fields. They did it in the Massa's house. They did it behind is back and under his roof and out loud and in their own homes. If I'm to believe he is with me always, why wouldn't I audibly burst out in conversation with someone who is with me?
I bring this up because it is not strange for me to start a conversation with "I was chatting with God the other day about so-and-so, and he told me...."

Or.... "I was about to do such-and-such, but God told me to close my mouth, sit down and be still instead..."

I have seen the raised eyebrows and questionable looks. I don't mind them because I know the heavens are opened. I know the Lord communicates through his Son, Jesus Christ, through his prophets and apostles, and through us, his children. I can feel his spirit with me so distinctly when that communication comes from the Lord. And it NEVER fails me. There have been times it has saved my life and the lives of those around me. I have learned not to question it and to obey it. Sometimes it is an Audible voice. So much so that I will turn and see who is speaking to me. Other times it is a thought, impression or feeling from within that leaves me no doubt or fear and an urgency to heed it's command.

What I have learned from talking to the Lord is that he wants me to communicate back. When I don't understand, I ask questions. Sometimes I joke and laugh. I figure he's given me my personality, he knows me, he expects me to be me. I also realized that my communication with him is for MY sake, not his. I have an obligation to come to him, confront him, ask for clerification and understanding. He knows when I am ready, willing and able to seek out his will. However how vain would it be for me to expect HIM to come to ME and grant me knowledge and understanding.

It disturbs me when I hear people say.... "Well God hasn't revealed to me any such things" My first response is.... "Well have you asked of him??" Someone once had the arrogance to say... "well he's revealed so many other things to me I'm SURE he would have let that be known if it were true." You go right on ahead and think that. We have an obligation to COME UNTO JESUS.
In past postings I've done this. I used to have a little sign on my bedroom door:

A.S.K
(Ask. Seek. Know)

How arrogant and selfish of us who expect knowledge to be dropped upon us without seeking out the answers for ourselves. The Lord knows us well. We do not speak to him for his benefit. We do not sit on our skimpy knowledge of him, the world and heaven and expect to know All there is to know of him just through reading the scriptures. Our journey as mortal beings is a life long education. The scriptures are our text book. I have been to many educational classes in which the textbook was given out for instruction. However, it is when I indulge in the lecture from the professors where I get the deepest understanding, those intricate details, and a deeper more clear meaning and knowledge.

I believe the Lord expects us to ask questions. I believe he expects us to speak to him formally and non-formally. If I am to believe he is my father, which he is, should I not be expected to speak to him as such. Just to be clear, I do believe in formal, proper prayer. I also believe there are times when the conversation comes out how it comes out and it is just as valid.
As I sat listening to my grandmother talking when I was in Michigan...it wasn't just jibberish. Everyone once again she would say... "Lord, have mercy on me." Some people would say this was using the Lord's name in vain. I have heard many times... " Oh, my God." I have seen the circumstances in which the phrase was used. Many times it was a plea for patience, help, security, strength. There may not have been a folding of arms or a kneeling but it was indeed a communication with the Lord.
There have been times when it's used as an expression and not a communication. This is what I believe to be in vain. I guess intent is how it's defined. And sometimes we are BAD at defining intent.

So if you see me walking down the street or sitting alone talking and you don't see anyone around me. TRUST ME, SOMEONE IS THERE!

Family Reunion II: The Time Spent Together is What Matters Most!

2009-08-09T15:27:00.001-07:00

You know that commercial we have.... "FAMILY. It's about...TIME!"
Family really is about making the time to be together. I think I mentioned in the earlier post that my Grandma is bed ridden. I think it's been of April. I couldn't believe it because when I was back home back in August she was up and about. She had some dementia and wasn't really sure who everyone was but health wise, she was strong and functioned ok. She did need supervision. So when I heard she was bed riddin I was shocked to say the least. My Uncle lives with her and takes care of her. He's with her pretty much 24/7. It must be hard on him because he gets very relief of getting out of the house.
My Grandma has 5 kids. all live within a 20 min radius. 3 live within a 3-5 mile radius. With too busy lives it appears she's not getting the loving care she could and should be getting from family. This breaks my heart. 1 mama can take care of 5 kids, yet 5 kids struggle to take care of 1 mama. Oh I have huge feelings of guilt living here in Utah while they're in Michigan. I have 2 cousins who go an visit and help now and then,when they can. For the most part...as a whole, WE the family could be doing better.
I feel for my Uncle. His life is basically keeping track of and making sure Grandma is taken care of. I think Grandma knows and recognizes him best. He's got health issues of his own but for the most part I think being cooped up and not having decent conversation is what puts a toll on him.

My sister and I sent alot of time with Grandma. While we were there we fed her, changed her, dressed her bed sores and just spent time talking to her and listening to her talk. Grandma still has alot to say. Some of it... is just talk. Alot of it....is on point. Most of it... HILARIOUS. I was able to get some video of her in her new state.
I appreciate the fact that she talks about the man standing in her room that the rest of us can't see. We're pretty sure it'a "Papa" her husband. He's been gone 35 years. A couple years ago she kept saying her Mama and Daddy were coming to get her. The next day her sister passed away. I have no doubts that she saw them coming. It just wasn't time for them to come and get her. I like that she knows her mama and daddy will be coming for her and she can see glimpses of them. There's been a couple times she would burst out in song. I've never heard my Grandma sing before. this summer and she filled the room with a rich soulful old school gospel melody. The hospital bed she's resigned to lifts and lowers and so do the head and feet. Each time they adjust the bed she's fearful she will fall out so she grabs onto the bars.
The ole girl is STRONG. S.T.R.O.N.G. Sometimes taking 2 of us to pry her hands loose from the bars so we can turn her over. And she is quick. Some of my favorite moments were her telling my sister to get out of her face, or threaten to break her arm or to leave her alone. AWESOME! My sister is a hospice care aide so she took care of alot of her hospice needs while we were there. It was very educational.

I relearned my education about how important it is to have family and be close to family. So much so that I'm seriously thinking of moving back home so I can enjoy them more than every other - every 5 or so years. I really enjoyed my time at home.
I think the most fun I had besides the reunion was hanging out with my Uncle. We really game him a bad rap back in the day. But he's turned out to be the man to step up. We took him with us all over so he could get out of the house. Sunday the night before we left he took my sister, cousin and myself to the cemetery so we can visit Papa's grave as well as some other family members. I think the best time I had was just before we were leaving for the night to head back to the hotel to get ready for our flight home... we did some last minute souvenir shopping. I had my sister go to the Local convenient gas station and stepped inside. I said a little prayer:

"Forgive me Lord for what I'm about to do."
And purchased $30 in instant lotto tickets! I took them back to the house and said... "Ok... we're all gonna split whatever we win." I knew my mom would not approve but being a grown woman she believes in agency. So I was shocked when she used her agency to play as well!
(Now Im not advocating gambling in the least bit. My immediate family are LDS so the cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents and so forth are not. This was something they did quite often. I don't intend on it being a habit it was just one last bonding moment with our uncle.)

So the 4 of us sat in Grandma's living room floor and scratched off 30 lotto tickets. I think we won about $51.00. So we split that 4 ways. Most of the fun was trying to figure them out. It's not so easy as just scratch and win, there are rules and directions and instructions and such. WE needed a lotto tutor. Figuring them out was more fun than winning. We split the $$ 4 ways!!!

I didn't realize how much I miss the family. I intend on staying in touch with as many of them as I can. And I plan on being at the New York reunion in 2 years and every reunion after.

Family! It IS about TIME.

Welcome to Soul Food Sunday!

2009-08-02T15:15:00.000-07:00

(This was from Soul Food Sunday back in April)

It's the first Sunday of the month. In Mormonville across the world it's known as fast Sunday. Fasting is where we sacrifice 2 meals, and don't eat for 24 hours. The money you would have spent on that meal is turned into the church to help those members of the church who are struggling. We also dedicate this time of sacrifice for fervent prayer and meditation to the Lord for special needs we are seeking to have resolved in our lives. It is the one time each month we are asked to have a personal sacrifice for a spiritual blessing. I like to think of it in terms of this....The Lord gives us 7 days. He asks us to put everything aside, worship and remember him and rejuvenate our spirits 1 day out of 7. We usually have 4 Sundays a month. 1 out of 4 of those we are asked to sacrifice and give to the poor. Those are not HUGE sacrifices asked of us. Imagine what the world would be like if it followed this pattern on a regular basis. It's not secret that our Church has one of the best Welfare systems in the world, it's why the Government is constantly taking our state leaders for their cabinets. And there is a stream of city and state governments in and out of Utah looking at how the church sets up it's welfare programs.... How can a church be shipping supplies, foods, clothes etc to disaster victims across the world within 24-48 hours where it takes Red Cross and other national organizations 5-7 days? The system works. It's not based on greed or getting what you can just because you can. It is based on need. You get what you need so others may do the same and you contribute back always.

Another reason Fast Sundays are a big deal is because we go to church for 3 hours.
That's right T H R E E H O U R S! So after fasting for 24 hours and then a 3 hour block of church... U. R HUNGRY!

I'm pretty sure most of Utah Mormonville is having a dinner of Roast beef, funeral potatoes, green be ens, rolls and jello... My house hold is having black food. Not burnt...although that happens sometimes... but soul food. Soul Food Sunday!
I listen to some of the messages from the Black Churches on B.E.T! I put on the Gospel Music XM station and invite The Winans, The Crouches, Mary Mary, Kirk Franklin, Mahalia Jackson and many others to enter and fellowship with Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Saints Voices Unified and a few other LDS Artist.

Dinner will typically be BBQ, Beans and Rice, Fried Chicken or Fish, Greens... NO NOT SALAD GREENS, but collards and mustards and turnip greens. Mac n Cheese or Cheesy grits are regular on the menu. And for sure Cornbread. And we can't forget the Red or Grape kool-ade with way too much sugar and a splash of lemon juice.
Totally makes starving for 24 hours and trying to stay awake for while members step up to the mic and testify of the Lord and the truthfulness of his Gospel that much more worth it!
Now I know some of you are thinking Soul food Sunday sounds like a heart attack on a plate! It certainly would be if this was an everyday menu. These are items I do have through out the month here and there, but not like the indulgence of Soul Food Sunday.
I live in a state where only 5-7% of it is Minority. The rest is pretty Homogenized. When my sister and I moved here we decided to be "pioneers." This place will never learn how to culturally diversify if people of culture and diversity keep leaving. I love that we stayed. I love that sometimes all eyes are on me, because then I can "do my thang." I like breaking the stereotypes and educating people about the black culture and the black history of the United States and even the black history of the church that SO MANY folks are oblivious to. Soul Food Sunday means more to me than Grandma's cooking and a full belly. It's an continuous educational experience for myself and my daughter and it keeps me connected to my family that I'm so far away from. Teaches her how to do the old school cooking and she gets a taste of how things would be if she visited Grandma's house or Aunty's house. I like when I came home from Church today that the house smelled like Grandma's house... Greens and Red beans... mmm mmm mmm! I highly recommend everyone encorporating on a regular basis some sort of cultural event with your family each month. Even if it is just cooking foods from your native origins.
PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE FOOD!

FAMILY REUNION: Seeing variations of your face on the body of others!

2009-07-30T06:45:00.000-07:00

A few days ago my sister I returned home from the family reunion on my Mother's side: Gamble/Bell/Tisdale Family reunion. We hold it every 2 years and the host city of the reunion changes. This year it was in Albion,MI. In 2011 it will be held in Rochester, NY. In the passed I've only attended when MI was the host state, because I grew up there and it was more convenient to just go home for it. My feelings of that pattern have changed. I am committed to go every 2 years where ever it is and will be setting up a Family reunion fund so I can better save up for it.

This year the family reunion was amazing. I connected with more folks and not just the cousin's aunts and uncles I grew up with. Maybe it's the realization that Ive only got one living grandparent who is waiting to "go home" as she puts it. Anyway the desire to connect has become overwhelmingly strong.
Our Religion stresses the importance of being connected as a family unit through genealogy so of course I've had a portion of the family tree already set up. There's the Family Search website to help us stay connected but that can be somewhat confusing.
At the reunion it was suggested we go to www.myheritage.com . I checked it out and it's a fairly simple program to set up and my mother's side of the family is pretty much established there. I like it.

One of the best parts of a family reunion is seeing so many variations of your own face on the bodies of others! My cousins claim I'm my Grandma's twin. I know I look somewhat like her but I don't think I realized how much until this reunion. Apparently there are VERY strong Resemblances between the "mamas" in my family.
I look exactly like my mom who looks like her mom who looks like her mom. Did you catch that? I also favor and was mistaken for a certain cousin of mine as well. I love it! I'm thinking of getting a tatoo: "If lost, please return to Albion, MI they will know exactly where and with whom I belong!" They might not remember my name but they know I'm Dolores' Daughter, Evelyn's Grand-daughter and Nora's cousin.
I like how the family reunion on this side of the family is set up: The first day is registration where you pay the family dues if you haven't already, and make sure your immediate family's tree is in order. Then you get your itinerary, maps, goodies and Family t-shirt. Then there's bbq with hot dogs, burgers for those who have traveled far. Afterwards folks check into their hotels and relax. In the evening there's the traditional fish fry & pool party.

We also hold the first family prayer:

Day 2 is when we wear our family t-shirts. We take a huge family picture with everyone:

*This is a small portion of the family lining up for the pic.
We hand another huge bbq and went to a park with paddle boats, Kayaking, putt putt golfing and other games. I think my favorite part was playing bing with 2 of my cousins. We each one at least once time.

That evening is the big banquet where we have a catered meal and a Family Unity program: There were words of inspiration, A couple of Unity ceremonies where the oldest members of our 3 family branches each light a separate candle. And after the Unity Prayer 3 different members of each branch take the separate candles and light the 1 big Unity/Family Candle.
There's also the family cake with the 3 family names on it. 1 member from each branch help cut the cake... sort of in the fashion of the wedding couple, except there being 3 people. I participated in both the candle and the cake ceremony.

There's also a talent show. This is also where the family takes a vote as to what city will host the Family reunion next. This year, Salt Lake City was added to the list of Host Cities. My sister and I are the only one's here but if family is willing to come we're willing to host. We are also now on the Hosting committee as reps for our family in this state, keeping everyone updated and making sure dues are being sent in on time. I'm excited. Hopefully in a few year the economy will be such that the family can afford to travel way out west. We're ready for them!

The final day we all gather together and go to church. All the different denominations we are gather in one play and praise the Lord as a family. I LOVE THIS PART OF IT. Because it really does bring home the meaning of family. Being able to put differences aside and gather together is what family... and the Love of God is all about.
I feel sorry for family members who aren't able to do that. Who hold such grudges and turn away. I feel for their inability to love unconditionally. I feel for those family members they missing out on each other. Who make excuses for not sharing in the caring of one another because of whatever justification. I love them. But sometimes attitudes make it hard to miss them. I hope one day they recognize what the Love of Family and God really mean and have a desire to participate.

After church services there was the closing luncheon where we all say our goodbyes to the family who traveled so far away. I met ALOT of new family this year and I'm excited to be in touch with them. I'm excited to be part of the generation who will be heading up the reunion and I'm excited to try and pass on that responsibility to younger members of my family.

After the out of town family left, my sister, uncle, and 2 cousins went to the cemetery to see our Papa! Papa would be my mother's father. He passed away when I was 7 years old. Don't make the mistake of thinking I don't remember him! I feel for the cousins who never had the chance to know him in this life. He and his brothers passed on a heritage that I am very proud to be part of. I gained a new respect for it this year and will always try to bring honor to his name.

I realize part of that honor comes with helping to taking care of his wife, my grandma. She is now bedridden. It's apparent that not too many family members spend much time with her. Her memory is shot and she sees people in the room we can't see and it's hard to understand her.... IF YOU DON'T LISTEN! Which is the key. Her moments of clarity are brilliant. I got some video footage of her and lots of pics.
Some of my family call me her twin.

I kicked my leg up and she said... "girl gimme that leg!" lol

It was a great time! I'm anxious for the next reunion. I'll leave you with more family pics!
In the mean time....love your family, forgive them, gather together often and BE FABULOUS!

Me!

My Mama's senior Picture

My Grandma

My Great-Grandma

That's 4 Generations of the same nose!

The Old Folk watching over the festivities!

Cousins of mine, siblings of each other!

Babies cousins born 2 weeks a part!

My handsome Cousin James Jr.

SISTERS! My mother and her sister with my sister and I behind them

Really Remembering Memorial Day

2009-05-25T06:53:00.000-07:00

In the Herriman,UT Cemetery there are 2 generic graves. One is labeled "Indian woman" and the other "Negro Woman." No name, No dates. Just a simply concrete slab depicting their gender and race. Just like every other resting place in that cemetery I don't know who they are, how they lived or how they died so why should I care. I wonder if they lived as anonymously as they died? Did they belong to someone? Servant? Slave? Mother? Sister? Wife? Niece? Obviously daughters. Were they victims of crime? War? Or did they slip out of this life peacefully... or alone?

I'm not sure why it has effected me so. I do have a friend who has a child buried in there, with name, date and usual information. When we visit that resting place we also visit the other two. I guess we've sort of Adopted them. Although today was an easy day to remember them... Today was NOT their day.
This may sound cold and mean hearted. There are 364 days to remember them. However today is Memorial Day.

There's a strange thing that goes on in Utah on Memorial Day. I've never seen it done in other states that I've lived so if it happens where you are let me know.

I recognized one memorial day my step mother getting loads and loads of flower bouquets. I was thinking "how many vet's does she know?" Well it turns out that she was getting bouquet for everyone in the family that passed way. So I guess memorial day for them is in memory of everyone.

I'm not sure if I like or agree with it. On the other hand I guess if you don't feel like paying respect on birthdays, special occasions, other holidays, anniversaries or just because... at least they're visited on 1 day of the year.

Growing up in Michigan Memorial Day was a military holiday. I think I like it that day. Was is not first recognized as a National Day of mourning for those who served our country and paid the ultimate cost for our freedom?

It feels as if this day is just an excuse to pay guilty respects to passed on family members who may be mostly neglected during the year, a free day off work, a reason to picnic and party and the kick off of the summer season. We do all these thing in the name of "tradition" however very few of us recognize how the tradition began.
A little History if you will:

The first memorial day was observed on May 1, 1865 by liberated slaves at the Washington Race Course (today the location of Hampton Park) in Charleston, South Carolina. The site had been used as a temporary Confederate prison camp as well as a mass grave for Union soldiers who died in captivity. The freed slaves disinterred the dead Union soldiers from the mass grave to be inhumed properly reposed with individual graves, built a fence around the graveyard with an entry arch, declaring it a Union graveyard. On May 30, 1868, the freed slaves returned to the graveyard with flowers they had picked from the countryside and decorated the individual gravesites, thereby creating the first Decoration Day. Thousands of freed blacks and Union soldiers paraded from the area, followed by much patriotic singing and a picnic.*

Memorial Day was first called Decoration day. Created by freed blacks & Union Soldiers. In honor of soldier who died for their freedom.

These slaves were set free and upon recognizing the soldiers in a mass grave, they extracted then one by one, respectfully & properly created individual graves for each soldier. Then build a fence around them and an entry arch and created a hollowed place of rest.

They were slaves who could have ran like the wind in fear of being recaptured, beaten or killed. They could have rejoiced in their freedom and been on their merry way. I am impressed at the act of service, love and care they had for those they probably didn't even know. I'm sure it took them a couple years to complete the task, putting their lives on hold to insure a final resting place for those who gave their own life.
This is one of many stories about the first Decoration/Memorial day. The South has their own version. The Government have their own version. Everyone has their own version. Is it any surprise I like this version?

I dare say we've gotten away from knowing the true meaning of Memorial day and I find I'm not alone in this. What I remember most about Memorial day growing up was it was always the first thing we really did as a family after the last day of school. We got dressed, went to the parade. There were lots of soldiers, tanks, military vehicles, flags and bands playing all the patriotic songs and themes of the military. And then we would head over to Bailey park with the family and have a picnic and hear the adults talk about their time in the military. For the most part, we were dressed in Red, white and blue. It think I enjoyed it more as a child. I can remember the park on Van Buren and Washington Ave where the Dairy Queen used to be was planted with red poppies, and some other red, white and blue flowers. I don't believe that poppies or the understanding of poppies are even observed anymore.

Red Poppies for Memorial Day:
"In 1915, inspired by the poem "In Flanders Fields," Moina Michael replied with her own poem:

We cherish too, the Poppy red
That grows on fields where valor led,
It seems to signal to the skies
That blood of heroes never dies.

She then conceived of an idea to wear red poppies on Memorial day in honor of those who died serving the nation during war. She was the first to wear one, and sold poppies to her friends and co-workers with the money going to benefit servicemen in need. Later a Madam Guerin from France was visiting the United States and learned of this new custom started by Ms.Michael and when she returned to France, made artificial red poppies to raise money for war orphaned children and widowed women. This tradition spread to other countries. In 1921, the Franco-American Children's League sold poppies nationally to benefit war orphans of France and Belgium. The League disbanded a year later and Madam Guerin approached the VFW for help. Shortly before Memorial Day in 1922 the VFW became the first veterans' organization to nationally sell poppies. Two years later their "Buddy" Poppy program was selling artificial poppies made by disabled veterans. In 1948 the US Post Office honored Ms Michael for her role in founding the National Poppy movement by issuing a red 3 cent postage stamp with her likeness on it."**

I remember the Poppy Postage stamps always used to surface around this time of year. Where are they now?

"Traditional observance of Memorial day has diminished over the years. Many Americans nowadays have forgotten the meaning and traditions of Memorial Day. At many cemeteries, the graves of the fallen are increasingly ignored, neglected. Most people no longer remember the proper flag etiquette for the day. While there are towns and cities that still hold Memorial Day parades, many have not held a parade in decades. Some people think the day is for honoring any and all dead, and not just those fallen in service to our country...To help re-educate and remind Americans of the true meaning of Memorial Day, the "National Moment of Remembrance" resolution was passed on Dec 2000 which asks that at 3 p.m. local time, for all Americans "To voluntarily and informally observe in their own way a Moment of remembrance and respect, pausing from whatever they are doing for a moment of silence or listening to 'Taps."

The Moment of Remembrance is a step in the right direction to returning the meaning back to the day. What is needed is a full return to the original day of observance. Set aside one day out of the year for the nation to get together to remember, reflect and honor those who have given their all in service to their country."***

I hope those who read this will take it upon themselves to reinstate and educate the true meaning of Memorial Day.

And to those how are still Confused, here is a little Reminder:

Memorial Day: The day you honor and pay respects to all of the fallen soldiers, who died in service of their country.

Armed Forces Day When U.S citizens to come together and thank our military members for their patriotic service in support of our country.

Flag Day The day you show respect and honor for the meaning of the stars and stripes by displaying it.

Independence Day The day we celebrate the history, government, and traditions of the United States.

National POW/MIA Recognition Day National Recognition and memorial for those who are and were Prisoners of war or missing in action.

Veterans Day Honoring American Veterans of all Wars.

Now there are a slew of less known uncelebrated holiday in between such at the birth dates of each military branches and days for military mothers and families.

For the record, were I in charge of this great nation, I would try and instate free medical, clothing, housing, food and education for life for anyone who honorably served in the military for a decent amount of time. I think one of the disgraces of this country is the degradation and dishonor our country has shown those who served in the military. For a people who served our country with their lives, how well are we serving their lives as a country? Many of our Vets are homeless, jobless, have mental health issues, can't provide for themselves or their families. We ought to do a better job at sustaining and more permanent decent way of life for them.

*that's just me* DO YOU HEAR ME OBAMA??? (this is not the opportunity to start baggin on our new president either... remember he's inherited this mess of a country and is already being blamed for it)

Let us always have the desire to look for the true meaning and learn of those things we are privileged to take part of.

(* resource: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorial_Day "history")

( **, *** resources: http://www.usmemorialday.org/backgrnd.html)

What A Friend I Have In....?

2009-04-30T20:45:00.000-07:00

If you know the worlds to the song, It's "What A Friend I Have I Jesus!"
I've been thinking about the meaning of friends and friendship. This last year I've dropped a lot of folks who were under the "friend" title that I really didn't care to have there any longer. At a very young age my siblings and I were taught how to be unselfish and learn to serve the community and others. The good part is we enjoy doing things for others. The bad part is, sometimes we do what we should for ourselves because we're do so much for others. I believe I have found the balance. I will no longer do more for someone than they're willing to do for themselves. When service becomes a "cumbered" service, I'm done serving. When I start to feel resentment and can no longer give with the spirit of Christ, I'm done. There are several things that bring about this personal balance.
Over the last 10 months I hit the emotional/mental rock bottom. I believe, had I not fulfilled my spiritual self I would have come out so strongly. I cannot stress how important it is to nourish your spirit and soul with the Words of God and the Gospel of Jesus Christ on a regular basis. You NEVER know when your testimony is all you have to keep you looking forward each day. I not only had to depend on my Heavenly Father heavily to know and provide for my needs, I have to rely heavily on family and friends to provide for my needs as well. I was put in a position where I had to forget about those around me and focus on my 100%.

Each of us are a bit selfish from time to time. However when I say I had to focus on me 100% I mean, in a way very few can possibly imagine, that I didn't know what day it was on a regular basis. Even now, when I start to stressed or overwhelmed, my memory and recall time will basically start to fail me. It's like speaking to someone with Dementia, they will ask the same questions over within a matter of 10 minutes. The other day I went to go to bed and my sister asked me if I was done looking in the fridge.
I asked her
"was I just in the fridge?"
"Yes" she said...
"Foreal?" I asked

"Uh-huh, you left the door open" she said.
"oh! what was I lookin for?" I asked?

" Ummm.... I don't know. But If you're done I'll close it."
"I think I'm done Since I don't even remember being in it."

Apparently I've left the front door open when I've gone Upstairs for a 2 hour nap
I paid the heating bill 3 times and forgot to pay the electric bill which almost got cut off.
I've double the payment on the phone bill.
I left the stove on for 2 hours, but forgot to cook what I turned it on for.

I welcomed my friend to my new home. He had been here before. It was about 4 days after i got blind sided with PTSD. Which was in June. I welcomed him in October.

I would cook huge meals in the middle of the night because when I get frustrated or anxious or upset, I cook. And then put all the food away.

There were days when my goal for the day was to get out of bed and get dressed.
or
Eat 2 meals for the day even if I weren't hungry
or
Answer the phone and doorbell when it rang.
or
remember which day of the week it is.

This last Saturday I lost 4 lbs of brown sugar. Bills I thought were paid off aren't. Some bills are caught up for the next 3 months. Not sure but I think there's a couple things in collection. I'm sure they'll be calling soon to remind me.

I've seen pictures of me from summer of 2008 and have no Idea where we were and what we did. But I looked like I was having a fabulous time in most of them.
I can remember about 5-7 days of my whole summer.
I can remember bursting out crying when I tried to explain the situation and hyper-ventilating into hysteria, and then falling asleep for 3-4 hours afterward simply by trauma exhaustion. I remember waking up in hysterics and crying.
I remember sleeping with all 7 of my raggedy ann and andy dolls and holding them close to me for comfort and protection.

I have a TON of self portrait from my cell phone. And I look like a different person in all of them. It was almost like you could see what my spirit and mind was purging me off.

Any Ideah what it's like to wake up in the middle of the night with a knee brace and forget why you even have the darn thing and what happened?? (slid down some stairs like I was sliding into a baseball base and landed with one leg in front and one folded behind in a "hurdle" position.)*ouch*

People wanted to me teach their lessons for them or pick up a child from school or make a dish for a funeral make phone calls for this or that. People wanted me to help chaperon this function or serve at that function or help set up and take down chairs and decorations.
I would turn them down. For the most part I didn't want ANYONE in my personal space. I didn't want anyone near me, or talking to me or even approaching me.
I have never known my self esteem to be this low as an adult.
I remember 1 day while visiting a friends in Michigan I put a couple of things in the wrong place after cleaning their kitchen and got scolded for "changing their life" or some weird thing.

What I remember most about my trip to Michigan was how I felt, not particularly what I did while there. I think we ended up on a cruise to Canada for a day. I remember feeling secluded from friends and family and in the way and unsupported most of the time. I"m not sure now, if it were wise for me to have gone in that condition. My self esteem was at it's lowest point and I felt it sinking lower. There were some fun things I remember about my trip there, but for the most part...i probably should not have gone.

Anyway my point is this: There were literally times when I didn't know what day it was, where I was at or what was truly going on around me. I was faced with letting people know I just couldn't do whatever they were or were going to ask of me. I just wasn't going to happen because I had to focus on me and getting better.

Throughout all this process I feel as if the Lord opened my eyes to a few things. I began to see in some of my friends what came across to me as extreme selfishness. I began to recognize who will take (even from a weak person) and who will give back to edify. I began to recognize drama... who causes and creates it and who keeps it going. I began to recognize friends who manipulate, lie, cheat, justify, hold double standards and have no desire to recognize their own shortcoming while pointing out yours. I recognized who asks for help or advise on how to make things better, and then get offended or defensive when that question is answered. I recognized who keeps their word and who only speaks their words.
I pretty much knew these things for the most part and overlooked much of it. During my journey through all of this, I gained a huge disliking for these things and those who practiced and lived their lives with these things included. I learned to take myself from the drama. I learned to tell people my needs while also helping them with their own.
As I gained knowledge about all these things the most wonderful started to happen: I lost a desire for the company of these people. Not having them around anymore made room for people who truly care. People who value friendship. People who know how to give as well as receive. People who are able to look inside themselves and see where they may have been wrong, and can evaluate the weight of it and make adjustments where needed. People who I now believe are more like myself and who I want to become.

As a child we are under the impression that a friend is someone who stands by us, supports us as and helps us no matter what. This is only partially true as adults.

Age and wisdom has taught me that I do not wish to have friends who support me and justify my wrong doings. I do not need people to be by my side in my desire to do the wrong things. This is what I would have expected in 6th grade, 8th grade 10th grade.

As I try to grow closer to my Father in Heaven, I don't NEED friends who are going to help me get in trouble, disrespect myself by disrespecting others. I can do bad all by myself. True friends... REAL friends will call you on your crap. Real friends are in your face letting you know when you are out of line. They're not afraid to speak their opinion because they know you truly value and respect it. And you would not be afraid to speak your to them because you value and respect what they have to say. They are slow to jump on the defensive. When someone is quick to jump on the defensive or justify, they have failed to take the info given to them evaluate, internalize and see where it can apply. I have learned that true friends are not reactive, they are proactive. There's not a need to run to and fro and take surveys from everyone around them to prove if your comment is true or untrue. We know ourselves better than anyone else knows us. And we know when we need reinforcements to Justify and we know when should go within ourselves... have that come to Jesus meeting and improve.

I've been running around and dealing with "Justifiers" for a while. Let me take this opportunity to say to them.... I really didn't believe you anyway so no need to try and explain. The fact that they try to explain in the first place is more proof of a guilty conscience to me. Normally I will stop and evaluate (try to discern) the true meaning or intent. If I need clarification I'll ask.

I feel I've been very blessed this last year to go through all that I have. In my days of laying on the couch wondering when I would get back to 100% I never once felt resigned to the condition I was in. I never felt as if I would be weak, forgetful, "loopy" and confused for the rest of my life. I never felt alone or abandoned. I never felt revenge or "why me." I felt since I gonna be going through it to just do what ever was needed to get better. I always felt.. "This too shall pass." Because "It came to pass" it doesn't come to stay. My memory may never be the way it was. I may always suffer nausea in certain situations that make me nervous. I might be another 5 years before I can comfortably go out in public and not feel anxious or nervous about certain social Situation or people too close into my personal space w/o being invited. But I know that I am surrounded by family and GOOD friends. I know that I am well taken care of and should anything more happen to me, I WILL be well taken care of. I am in good company of those who take AND give just as much. I am surrounded by those who do not and will not take advantage of what I have to offer selfishly. I know that those who I NOW call friends, I can come to them in any condition and be safe physically, mentally and spiritually. My name is safe in their mouths. My character is safe in their mouths. My life is safe in their hands. And theirs in mine.

This knowledge and peace makes my life fulfilling. I do not miss those who have been left behind. In doing so I have freed up extra time. I have less drama. No more emergencies that need my being taken care of. I have less stress. I have more time for me and my family. I am happier. I have never felt such peace and joy.

I am so grateful for My neighbors, family, neighborhood, old and new coworkers, former and current bishops, Michelle @ LDS Family Services who guided me and helped me work it all out.
I'm grateful for a Father In Heaven who knows EXACTLY what each of us need to go through to over come our weaknesses and gain strength and experience for each phase of life we will go through. I'm grateful for his timing in know WHEN we need to move forward instead of staying put and floating around w/o the progression we all need.

I'm Grateful for Jesus Christ. For his willingness to go through the pains of my last 10 months Long before I or even my parents and grandparents were born. I'm grateful he sent to me the comfort and protection I needed in my many many moments of weakness. WHAT A FRIEND I HAVE IN JESUS!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=And0988vdC4

For God So Loved The World...

2009-04-09T23:45:00.000-07:00

.

"The Resurrection is at the core of our beliefs as Christians. Without it, our faith is meaningless. The Apostle Paul said, "If Christ be not risen, then is our preaching vain, and [our] faith is also vain."

In all the history of the world there have been many great and wise souls, many of whom claimed special knowledge of God. But when the Savior rose from the tomb, He did something no one had ever done. He did something no one else could do. He broke the bonds of death, not only for Himself but for all who have ever lived—the just and the unjust.

When Christ rose from the grave, becoming the firstfruits of the Resurrection, He made that gift available to all. And with that sublime act, He softened the devastating, consuming sorrow that gnaws at the souls of those who have lost precious loved ones.

I think of how dark that Friday was when Christ was lifted up on the cross.

On that terrible Friday the earth shook and grew dark. Frightful storms lashed at the earth.

Those evil men who sought His life rejoiced. Now that Jesus was no more, surely those who followed Him would disperse. On that day they stood triumphant.

On that day the veil of the temple was rent in twain.

Mary Magdalene and Mary, the mother of Jesus, were both overcome with grief and despair. The superb man they had loved and honored hung lifeless upon the cross.

On that Friday the Apostles were devastated. Jesus, their Savior—the man who had walked on water and raised the dead—was Himself at the mercy of wicked men. They watched helplessly as He was overcome by His enemies.

On that Friday the Savior of mankind was humiliated and bruised, abused and reviled.

It was a Friday filled with devastating, consuming sorrow that gnawed at the souls of those who loved and honored the Son of God.

I think that of all the days since the beginning of this world's history, that Friday was the darkest.

But the doom of that day did not endure.

The despair did not linger because on Sunday, the resurrected Lord burst the bonds of death. He ascended from the grave and appeared gloriously triumphant as the Savior of all mankind.

And in an instant the eyes that had been filled with ever-flowing tears dried. The lips that had whispered prayers of distress and grief now filled the air with wondrous praise, for Jesus the Christ, the Son of the living God, stood before them as the firstfruits of the Resurrection, the proof that death is merely the beginning of a new and wondrous existence.

Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.

I testify to you that the Resurrection is not a fable. We have the personal testimonies of those who saw Him. Thousands in the Old and New Worlds witnessed the risen Savior. They felt the wounds in His hands, feet, and side. They shed tears of unrestrained joy as they embraced Him.

After the Resurrection, the disciples became renewed. They traveled throughout the world proclaiming the glorious news of the gospel.

Had they chosen, they could have disappeared and returned to their former lives and occupations. In time, their association with Him would have been forgotten.

They could have denied the divinity of Christ. Yet they did not. In the face of danger, ridicule, and threat of death, they entered palaces, temples, and synagogues boldly proclaiming Jesus the Christ, the resurrected Son of the living God.

Many of them offered as a final testimony their own precious lives. They died as martyrs, the testimony of the risen Christ on their lips as they perished.

The Resurrection transformed the lives of those who witnessed it. Should it not transform ours?"

The Resurrection transformed the lives of those who witnessed it. Should it not transform ours?

Should we believers of God and followers of Christ be the first to "Stand as Witnesses of God AT ALL TIMES and IN ALL THINGS and IN ALL places?"

Our belief and love of God our Father and in our Savior Jesus Christ should be reflected in our speech, actions and associations. There should not be one part of our lives that doesn't reflect our belief in them. Each thing we acquire should be humbly accepted with thanks and gratitude to them. We should seek to build up their kingdom and honor them each day and not only when it is convenient in times of trouble, sorrow and desolation.
And those who don' know them should feel as if they do BECAUSE they know us.

As we reflect upon the life...

....and Death of Jesus Christ let us know within the vast reaches of our hearts and minds that Jesus has suffered the betrayal, loneliness, deciet, manipulation,lies, heartache, and every other pain and injustice known to all mankind, such was the love he had for us. As we rise up on easter morning and face whatever our lives decisions have brought before us let us not remember the misconception that is was nails that held Jesus on the cross. For it was his LOVE FOR US and the WILL OF GOD his father, nothing more, that held Jesus on the cross.
HAPPY EASTER!

***The highlighted portion of this blog are the Words spoken by Elder Joseph B Wirthlin in the October 2006 General Conference Session. I couldn't think of a more suitable start for the next 3 days to begin to celebrate the Easter Holiday****

Permission to be FABULOUS!

2009-03-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

(A FABULOUS PHOTO OF ME!)

"Thank you for calling Consumer Choice! My name is Karyn, may I have your name and member ID# Please!" It is how I answer the phone 8 hours a day M-F. I happen to LOVE my new job and I love what I'm doing. So I answer the phone joyfully and enthusiastically.
"Hello Miss Karyn... My name is James Ross, how are you to day?"
"I'm FABULOUS, thank you! How about yourself?" was my response.
"FABULOUS?" he said?
"Yes, I am FABULOUS!"
"Really?" he responded? "HOW COME?" He sounded shocked and perplexed.
"Well, I woke up this morning, so that's a good start. And I had a job to come to."
He began to chuckle!
"And I have close on my back, a roof over my head..."
He interrupted... "and food in our fridge..AMEN?"
And I said... "AMEN!"
"WOW! Miss Karyn! Well talking to you has already made me feel good today"

"Then my job is partially done,"
I laughed

He said... "you ask most people how they doin and they say stuff like 'I'm a'ight' or 'good'. something like that. But are FABULOUS! And that just makes me feel soo good. Miss Karyn. I ain't never met anybody fabulous before, I like it!"

"Don't it feel good James?" I asked
"You know, it really really does! I think I'm gonna go out and be fabulous today too!" He laughed.

"You have permission to go be fabulous and make as many others as you possibly can fabulous too!" I told him with authority!

We never really did get down to the reason of why he called me that day and what he really wanted.
He SERIOUSLY could not get over the fact that I was fabulous and that he now felt fabulous. I mean he seriously could not get over. It was funny on my end I was seriously crackin up. I was laughing at the fact that he was so perplexed and then so over joyed about how good he was feeling about it.
He said it made his day. I know it made mine, my co-workers and I laughed about it all day.
It was FABULOUS!

That evening at dinner with my sister and some friends we were discussing our day. When it came my term I told them my days was FABULOUS! They wanted to know why so I told them my story and how my customer just couldn't get over the fact that he met someone fabulous today for the first time in his life and how he went on and on about it.

I kind of noticed the other tables looking at us because we were laughing and joking in our usual way.

Our waiter came buy to refill our water glasses, bumped into my shoulder and spilled a little on the table. It was no big deal. He apologized and then said... "I was trying to get some of that FABULOUS to rub off on me!" And we all started laughing.
Well the rest of dinner was absolutely Fabulous. Fabulous this and Fabulous that.

When the other members of the serving staff came to check on their tables you could hear "Fabulous" hear and there which would send everyone in the dining room into fits of laughter. I tell you... it was FABULOUS! I asked the waiter to box up the remainder of my dinner. He brought my left overs boxed and in a bag and we made sure and gave him a FABULOUS tip and we were on our way.

After dinner we went to a Grizzlies Ice hockey game. They lost but it was such a great time. Absolutely Fabulous!

At the end of the evening we all went home and put ourselves to rest from such a wonderful day. It's not that anything spectacular happened, just the typical everyday things. I simply woke up in a wonderful mood (as I seem to do daily) and for the most part decided to share my good mood with others. I WAS Fabulous!
And in doing so it gave everyone else around me to be FABULOUS!

If everyone decided to be Fabulous for the day, not matter what, think of what a day it would be? If folks decided not to let someone Else's bad mood or bad attitude effect how well we would do our jobs or decided our own mood, our days, jobs homes and all that is around us would be so much better. We would wake up excited to see what great things we could make happen out of another day the Lord has given us!

I've felt this way for about a month now and it really really works. I go to sleep excited to wake up and actually decide what kind of Fabulous I'll be for the day.
Sometimes I'm Ghetto Fabulous. Other times I'm Super Fabulous. Today was a fabulously funny day. This weekend I'm going to be redneckishly ghetto fabulous and check out a farmers auction. WHY? you may ask? Because I can and I've never been. Sounds like a fun thing to experience. Besides I got nothing else to do this weekend so why not?

I pulled out my leftovers from the restaurant the next day and smile at the thought of Mr James Ross literally trippin out because he'd never met anyone fabulous before.
As I pulled the box of food out of the restaurant bag Written on the top of the box were the following words: "Have a Wonderful night!" It was signed by "JAKE THE FABULOUS", our waiter. AWESOME!

Next week starting on March 30Th I'm starting a week of FAB-U-LUS! I'll be taking pics of what fabulous looks like as well. No matter what happens I'm going to react and respond FABULOUSLY! You have my permission to do the same. BE FABULOUS!

¿ןɐǝɹ ʇ,usı ʎʇıןɐǝɹ ǝןqıssod ʇı sı

2009-03-19T22:46:00.000-07:00

I'm reposting this from about 2 years ago because I've had many friends feel as if they are alone, lonely, without friends and neglected.

"IS IT POSSIBLE REALITY ISN'T REAL?"
Does EVERYONE feel like this at times?

You feel like your life is a series of failed 2ND chances and unanswered questions. You didn't even know you used up your first chance, and were never told you had a 2ND chance.

How often do you look to your right and see an empty seat just to look to your left and stare in the face of it's identical twin? No one understands your anger, sadness and fears. Your mind is searching for reasons, grasping at straws, coming up with possible conclusions to determine or justify. The reality is:
You are Angry
You are Sad
You are Afraid.
Is it the crackling in your lungs that makes the Dr say..."that doesn't sound good, we need to schedule further testing?"
Is it the lump in your breast?
The knots in your stomach that keep you from eating?
Is it the sharp pulsating pain in your chest that doubles you over every few days and has you sleeping sitting up or
the heartache reminding you that their "A & B" list are filled, you might have spot on their "C" list?

You look into your mind and search for hope in those friendships where you thought you could find comfort, rest, love. They mean the world to you and you realize it is possible that you don't mean the world to them. You feel like you don't even come close anymore and there is no one close that cares enough.

When is a good time for anyone to travel into your reality?

Is your reality just as important as hers? She has no food, she hasn't eaten for 2 days. She has a sick baby and no car.
Is your reality just as important as his? His family is ill, He's preparing for the worse. He lost his job and is having a hard time paying bills.

Your reality IS as important as hers and his, just not to her or him. OR, maybe it is just as important to her and him, but you're strong, you've always been able to handle things well. What could they possibly do to help you?
It's not a competition. So you push your reality aside.

What's it to you to travel a couple of hours and stock her shelves with food? Or make a Dr appointment for her baby and take her to that appointment?

What's it to you to try and be a listening ear or voice of support no matter what time of day or night? Or give him job leads?

You laugh when they laugh, you cry when they cry, not only that you cry for them and about them. You are even there when you don't know what to say or they don't know if they need you to be there.
You can't help it, it's your "calling" to be "that" friend:

You always travel outside of your own and venture into those realities around you, picking up hammers to help build. Laying down blankets to cover the cold. Going above and beyond what is expected and doing what you know and feel to do just to hear a laugh or bring a smile. You do this because the one thing worse than your own sadness is to witness the sadness of those you care about. Seeing them that way breaks your heart. You can't take it. You HAVE to do something to try and make it better....it's as if your own soul depends on it.

You feel good, because God said move and you moved. You feel hurt because you know you're going down a one way street. You feel guilty and hope the latter doesn't cancel out the former. The blessing and hurt and guilt mingle together, intertwined like the perfect mixture of sweet and sour with a grain of salt.

Reluctantly You enter back into your reality:
Your lungs
Your breast
your stomach
Your heart
your heartache.
It hasn't moved. They're the one's calling and waiting for you like old friends ready to hang out!

You sit in stillness and silence for answers, comfort and security. The quiet becomes so loud you cannot stand it so you force your thoughts to venture outside your own realm and back into the reality of others:

Did she eat? How's the baby?
Does he feel better? Did he find a job?

The great beyond sends you a reality postcard:

She not only ate, she threw a dinner party in your honor! She didn't mean to forget your invitation. Her baby is now well but had she waited a much longer it would have been much worse, even life threatening. They meant to let you know. But she and her know you are just happy to help. You know they mean their thanks.
(you are mentally strong and emotionally stable and glad to help. Thank you is enough! Your heart calls you "liar.")

He not only feels better he went out with some friends the other night and had a wonderful time! And his calling on your job lead went great and started a month ago. He and him intended to express their gratitude and thanks. But you know they meant to share their thanks so you'll be ok they didn't let you know.
(you are mentally strong, emotionally stable and glad to help. Thank you, when it comes, will be enough! Your heart calls you "liar")

Does it matter what led you to do those things? Your heart told you it should be done and you stepped up and answered the call. Why doesn't a simple thank you feel like it's enough? If it was of no great importance to them, then why did it feel so urgent for you to ease their discomfort?
They didn't ask or imply your help. Why do you keep doing that?

Because for some reason you feel you are supposed to.

Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends (John 15:13).

You turn quickly and peek back into your reality and sigh. You see yourself looking to your right, at no one, and to your left staring at it's identical twin.

You feel yourself slowly fading out of their reality, at least until they need again. Thats when you know you'll be remembered by them.

Your reality slings you back to your world. You lay down and curl into a ball blinking back tears of loneliness which turn into tears of selfishness, which turns into tears of anger for feeling lonely and selfish. You can't breath, because of the pain in your lungs and heart. You can't even cry without reality's reminder of the physical hurting. The irony makes you smile through the pain and tears. Again... the perfect mingling of sweet and sour with a grain of salt.

Reality reminds you.... hey look... A real smile! You are grateful and sad for it. Grateful because you still have it in you so, you grab it tight and hold onto it. Sad, because you know in your mind that sharing your reality and fears.... wouldn't change a thing.
Invitations will always be forgotten. Intentions will always not come. And you will always be "that" kind of friend to say "hey, that's what friends do, I'm glad I could help."
Inside your heart will again be screaming.... "LIAR! you tell them that you are afraid and you need them and you tell them how you need them! Tell them!"

YOU JUST CAN'T DO IT.
You will always ignore the screams.

In your fear, the words you want to say come out wrong. They attack, blame and accuse. They distort your vision and clarity. They chase people away like a pit bull protecting it's owner at all cost.
You can't ask for what you need because, when you do ask, the need doesn't come. You don't have it in you anymore to ask. It just reconfirms what your reality tells you every time: "They don't really care. If they cared you would somehow feel it, and they would somehow show it. It they cared they would make sure you KNEW IT!"

Will you always look to your right and your left and find yourself sitting in between the twins named "forgotten" and "unappreciated?" And will you always wonder if someone will hear and answer when you call? It feels like it.
At least until the shes and hes in your world check in with sadness or sorrow in need of a friend or with excitement and happiness and tell you how fabulous their reality is... without you.

Are some of us just meant to face things alone not by choice, but because others just don't come? Are some of us meant to face things alone simply because the lesson is in being able to face them alone?
The Lesson is : We are never really alone. There is ALWAYS God even if "she" and "he" never venture into your reality to hear the call.

****Repost*****

Into each life a little darkness must fall.
When life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness
who will you choose to face it with?
Will it be someone you trust?
Will they be wise?
Will their love for you help them to guide you into the light
or will they lose their way in the darkness
Will they make Noble choices
or will that person be someone untested,
someone new?
Life comes rushing at you from out of the darkness
When it does is there someone in your life you can count on?
someone who will watch over you when you stumble and fall?
And in that moment give you the strength to face your fears alone?
~unknown~ (at least to me)

7 Women + 3 Boyz = MEN (This is not a Polygamy Math Question)

2009-03-08T20:57:00.000-07:00

Ok So my last post was a little emotionally high strung. So this should be a nice fun one!
This is a story about 7 women: A Relief Society President,1st and 2nd councelors, A Relief Society Teacher & Gospel Doctrine Teacher, Primary Leader and Compassionate Service Leader.
ENJOY!

Sorry it's also what's on my other blog, but it was too much fun I had to repost

One fine evening 7 Women from Utah went out to Play.

Then ended up in Nevada in a place called Wendover

There was a Concert...

But the concert was all sold out. "Hmmmm!" Thought 7 women in Wendover! "How do we get to see this concert? It is sold out and we do not have tickets"

7 Women in Wendover met a Lady from South Jordan Utah

She had 3 extra tickets so we bought them.

7 Women in Wendover found another lady who had 4 extra tickets. So we bought them too.

2 seats were together on the floor. 1 seat was in the middle of strangers on the floor

4 seats were all together on the next level up. None of the seats were bad. All of the women were happy.

7 Women in Wendover went into a Concert

And this is what happened:

AND...

They kissed and held my hand (yes... all 3 of them)
They gave me a rose
AND they told me to call my mama and put her on the phone. Then they took my blackberry told my mama who they were, that I was at a concert having a good time and that a song was dedicated to her ... then and sang to my Mama in Michigan while onstage in the middle of the concert."Mama...Mama You Know I love you! You know I love you Mama!"

AND THEN after the show... this happened:

V.I.P Passes(Autographed)to the V.I.P Lounge

My Daughter with the Menz

Myself with the Menz

My Womenz with the Menz

This is our story and we're sticking to it!

THE END!~

PS: Anything can happen with 7 women from Utah in a Friday or Saturday night!