Sunday, March 4, 2012

Know, Child, That You Are Loved!

It was the third Saturday of the month and time for the Genesis Leadership meeting. I pulled into the parking lot, found a spot, and parked. And just sat there. I could feel the tears well up in my eyes and I quickly tried to blink them away. Mama Viki and Papa Randy were just getting from their car and they stood waiting for me to join. I pulled the key from the ignition,opened the door and stepped out of the car locking it. I walked over to them. Mama Viki slipped her arm around me and asked
"Hi, how are you?" as we began to walk toward the building.
I glanced away as tears started to well up again and answered
"I don't really know how I am..."

She said "OH? Well how come?"

I answered:
"This building. This place has such a hold over me, it's just hard to be here..."

June 21,2008 I had a PTDS breakdown in that building. It didn't help that Feb 2012 I was in the throws of a relapse of it. When a relaspe happens all perception, judgment and communication is off kilter. There's really no filters in what I say or think because it's survival mode and I communicate the best I can, some times it coming across rude, brash, insensitive, emotional... you name it, it comes out how it comes out. Basically all bets are off.

The last time I was in the building was December 5th 2011 for the funeral of a young man I shared a lot of memories and moments with in that building. I was his youth leader for about 4 or 5 years.

Mama Viki was a victim of PTSD. It was her who recognized the hysterics of having the breakdown at the time it happened and was able to guide everyone on how to get me the immediate and after care help I needed.

She said:
"take the building back. Own it. Focus on the good times, You're in charge. Take back your power."

I know she's right. It's been almost 4 years and being in that builing for two long still makes me physically sick to my stomach.

I was blinking back tears as ee walked into the building and went into the meeting room.
I walked in and headed for a seat next to Papa D (President Darius Gray) He stood up put his arms around me, with a big hello. Then he pulled back, looked into my eyes as he always does and said..
"You look good!"
I smiled weakly at him.
In sure he felt a discomfort in me.
He said..

"Do you like to be rubbed on?" I fell silent and nodded..
"Take off that big ole coat sit your self down right here and lets fix you up!"
He faced the back of my chair toward him.... and gently began to massage my back and neck.

President Howell seated on the other side of me said...
"Give me your legs and feet..."

For the first 15 minutes of the meeting I let myself be gently taken care of and the tears I hid before turned into graditude, safety and security at least for that day.

I looked up and caught Mama Viki's eyes. She smiled and said...
"See? Focus on the good times!"

The whisperings in my mind said... "YES, Focus on the good times and know, Child, that you are loved."

My Message to you today is... Know, child, that even when you don't feel like it, you are loved. And let that knowledge flood your being until you feel you are loved.

Big Brother, Little Sister Moments

Big Brother, Little Sister Moments
Hand in Hand


I earned some temporary wings!